20 years ago, The Onion shared Pope John Paul II's death

Once again, The Onion updates its website between issues! Also, satires of Robert Redford, terror alerts, the Encyclopedia Britannica and much more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit April 6, 2005.

It’s been a long couple of weeks, as I had some family medical stuff going on. Hopefully, last week’s issue made sense. And thanks for the comments pointing out what I omitted or overlooked.

This week, The Onion reacted to the April 2, 2005, death of Pope John Paul II by updating its website after the print issue published — much like with President Ronald Reagan’s death.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 14, the 236th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005 and today. There’s no Internet Archive record of the 2015 Issue 14 page, which redirected to this by June 2015.

Above is the print front page from April 6, which is also seen in “Homeland Insecurity: The Onion Complete News Archives, Volume 17,”¹ the final book-length anthology of The Onion’s print coverage.

Not only is “Drummer Forced To Retrieve Sticks From Crowd For Encore” no longer online, it didn’t even survive for 1 day on The Onion website!

Here’s The Onion’s website homepage on April 6, 2005, and we’ll talk about the differences in a moment.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

The Onion published on April 6, but the newspaper content was finalized and printed days earlier. While Pope John Paul II’s death occurred 4 days earlier, fitting it into the print production process didn’t make sense.

This wasn’t unprecedented. The Onion’s print schedule also prevented timely coverage of 9/11, the start of the Iraq War, and Saddam Hussein’s capture. In the latter case, the staff added the online-only headline “Saddam Hussein Found Hiding In Mother Of All Holes In The Dirt,”

The Onion covered Pope John Paul II’s death much like it did Reagan’s — a few short jokes on the website, with longer jokes in the following week’s print issue.

To learn more about The Onion’s creative process after John Paul II’s death, I highly recommend this St. Petersburg Times article by Bill Adair²:

Kolb reads headlines of her own and several suggested by other contributors:

"Pope Wearing Jeans, Polo Shirt in Heaven."

Silence.

"Pope Wearing Sweat Suit In Heaven."

Schneider suggests "track suit" would be funnier. Everyone agrees.

Kolb offers another that hits pay dirt: "Heaven Not As Opulent As Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope."

“Heaven Less Opulent As Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope” eventually became the lead headline of the April 13, 2005, issue.

So what did The Onion do on April 6 to cover the pope’s death?

• “Pope's Renal System Proves Fallible” refers to the concept of papal infallibility.

• “John Paul II's Last Words: ‘Pope Sled’”: A reference to “Rosebud” in “Citizen Kane.” This headline is no longer online.

• “Catholic Church Quietly Re-condemns Galileo”: In 1992, a Vatican investigation initiated by John Paul II acknowledged the Church’s error in condemning the astronomer centuries earlier. This headline is no longer online.

Later in 2005, The Onion began updating the website between print issues. And while this means more work/stress for your friendly newsletter writer, I think it was the right move. These “breaking news” updates are nice, but they contributed to numerous lost or deleted jokes.

So what was the top story?

The WMFB TerrorFirst! van.

“Local Fox Affiliate Debuts Terror-Alert Van” reflects the 2000s hoopla over terror alerts³ and The Onion’s increasing comfort with criticizing Fox News.

The Onion gives us a ton of rich detail, including:

• The van’s decals, including several American flags, the terror-alert color chart on the inside of the passenger side door, and a “Honk If You See Terror Happening” decal.

• The name of the van — TerrorFirst! — is almost too ridiculous, but it reflects the combination of patriotism, paranoia and marketing that local TV news stations are known for.

• TerroFirst! can give a weather report, thanks to TerrorDoppler.

• WMFB-TV Channel 11 is a fictional station in Murfreesboro, Tenn., allowing The Onion to go big without worrying about matching every detail.

The TerrorFirst! van patrols the streets.

I love the description of the van’s equipment, including a fax machine and an anthrax-detection kit:

According to Bogert, the TerrorFirst! van features a rooftop satellite dish, a diesel-powered generator in case terrorists take down the Tennessee power grid, emergency snow chains for use in the event of a nuclear winter, a supply of promotional “Fox 11 News…Looking Out For You” T-shirts and bumper stickers, and a gun rack. The van is outfitted with several state-of-the-art monitoring systems, as well.

This passage beautifully describes low-end production values and local news promos:

The images of the van are juxtaposed with grainy, black-and-white footage of a terrorist—actually WMFB production assistant Fred Fromme clad in a towel and bathrobe—lingering in doorways and back alleys.

The commercial ends with a message from Fox 11 anchor Bob Herlihy: “When terror strikes, don’t get left behind. Stay ahead of the game with Fox 11.”

20 years later, this article feels dated, if only because the terror-alert system was a Bush-era phenomenon. The conflation of Fox News with local Fox Television affiliates is a bit sloppy, too (for example, Sinclair’s affiliates span every broadcast network).

But overall, it’s a fun, silly story highlighting post-9/11 fears. It might be the best “local security theater” article since 2001’s “Security Beefed Up At Cedar Rapids Public Library.”

More real-life people and events

Members of Congress applaud their decision to award themselves the Congressional Medals of Honor.

The Onion loved mocking Congress’ inflated egos, and “Congress Awards Itself Congressional Medal Of Honor” is firmly in that tradition.

Today’s website omits the subheadline “‘We've Done A Very Good Job,' Says Congress.” Appearing in the Photoshpped image, clockwise from top-left: Sens. Bob Graham (I think), Hillary Clinton, Jon Corzine, Joe Lieberman and Mary Landrieu, all wearing Medals of Honor.

The Onion also quotes Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, Sen. Harry Reid, D-Nev., and Sen. Wayne Allard, R-Colo., (seen in 2003’s “Sophomore Senator Eager To Move Out Of Congressional Housing”). They praise themselves for passing a law making themselves eligible for this award alongside heroic soldiers.

As the article notes, real-life Sgt. First Class Paul R. Smith posthumously received the Medal of Honor in early April 2005. I’m guessing an Onion writer saw this upcoming event and recognized the opportunity.

This closing quote is a deeply cynical and cutting view of our elected officials’ self-interest:

Many members of Congress reported it was difficult to choose between the Army, Navy, and Air Force medals of honor.

“It was a time of solemn reflection and careful choosing,” DeLay said. “Personally, I would’ve loved to have a Marine medal of honor, because my favorite uncle was a Marine, but there’s no such thing. Oh well.”⁴

DeLay would soon find himself in real-life trouble — in the very next issue of The Onion, no less!

A stack of Sanborne's unopened mail.

“Actual Urgent Message From Robert Redford Goes Unheeded” is about the legendary actor and director Robert Redford’s 2nd career as an advocate for the National Resources Defense Council.⁵

The Onion mocks these mailers with the worst-case scenario: What if Robert Redford were actually in trouble and could only communicate via NRDC letterhead? Sadly, Idaho resident Michael Sanborne doesn’t open the envelope until it’s too late:

The Marsing resident justified his delay, explaining that he did not initially notice that the envelope was rumpled as if by careless handling, and was scrawled over with the words “HELP ME,” “DANGER,” and “PLS CALL PLICE [sic].”

I love The Onion’s attention to detail, including calling Redford’s letter a message “of Redfordian preservation.”

Above: The letter Redford sent to Sanborne.

Redford’s urgent, unheeded letter ended: “If we let them plunder Robert Redford’s home for the sake of profits, then no piece of our natural heritage is safe from destruction. Please—it will take you only a minute—go to 12 Ocean View Drive in Malibu and untie Robert Redford from his bonds, MICHAEL. Only through your efforts can we keep Robert Redford wild and free.”

In 2005, the climate website Grist praised the joke but couldn’t resist making a serious environmental appeal, perhaps proving The Onion’s point.

Other real-life people and events include:

• “Cheney Offspring Bursts From Bush's Chest”: This is silly humor in the vein of old-school headlines like 1995’s “Tiger Attacks Bill Clinton” or 1996’s “Clinton Bleeds To Death.”

• “Terri Schiavo Dies Of Embarrassment”: Schiavo died March 31, 2005.

• “Many Cancer Deaths Preventable”: The Onion asks people about an American Cancer Society report saying healthier lifestyles could prevent most cancer deaths. My favorite response is this incredibly 2000s-era Ricky Martin reference:

  “Boy, I’d hate to get a disease and die at 60 instead of enjoying those extra three decades of livin’ la vida nursing home.”

  Bennie Lloyd • Unemployed

The 1st answer is cut off on today’s website, but the 2005 archive displays it in full.

Area People doing Area Things

Knutson (left) delights her new German friends while Bohm shuffles down a SPHS hallway.

“U.S. High School Gets Raw End Of Student Exchange” isn’t as political as it sounds. It’s simply a parody of feel-good news stories about foreign exchange students.

These photos are a stark contrast. On the left, we have normal high-schooler Molly Knutson. On the right, we have Uwe Bohm, who looks much older and might be a serial killer.

Bohm is withdrawn and “spends most periods taking his watch apart and putting it back together.” Fellow students are unsympathetic — and mean — although this complaint seems valid:

According to freshman entomology enthusiast Ty Crandall, Bohm knows very little about his homeland.

“I was stuck being Uwe’s lab partner once, so I said, ’You must know a lot about bark beetles,’” Crandall said. “He said, ’Nein, I do not know about bark beetles.’ I was like, ’What? Bark beetles are a huge problem in the Bavarian Forest!’⁶ God, where did they get this guy?”

My favorite passage is this email from Molly, who writes in mid-2000s internetspeak and sends this message from an internet cafe:⁷

“Not only do a lot [of the German students] speak great English, but they know way more about USA history than I do!!!” Knutson wrote from a Freiburg Internet cafe. “If Uwe is as excited about USA as his old friends, he should B having a blast!! BTW, tell Uwe that Klaus and Lukas say hi and sorry they haven’t e-mailed U lately! P.S. Fryberg has a McDonalds!!!!!”

People fooled by this article include users of the Ford Escort Owners Association forum(!) and commenters on The Onion’s Facebook page.

Other Area People jokes include:

• “Slowly Rotating Pie A Metaphor For Trucker's Failing Marriage”: I love this joke, which was bumped from the 2005 website by pope jokes.

• “1998 Powerball Winner Returns To Food-Service Job”: Many lottery winners have their fortunes, although this might be inspired by the travails of 2002 Powerball winner Jack Whittaker.

• “‘He's A Stockbroker,' Says Woman Who Finds That Exciting”: The stockbroker works at Piper Jaffray, now Piper Sandler. The Onion periodically mocks stockbrokers, including 2013’s “Dolphin Spends Amazing Vacation Swimming With Stockbroker.”

• “Colombian Teen Going Through Anti-Government Guerilla Phase”: This is typical “Mad Libs”-style humor, where The Onion swaps out a couple adjectives to make a new joke. The father is quoted as such:

  • “When I was his age, I was kidnapping state officials and car-bombing nightclubs in the name of Communism myself.”

• “Nation's Tall Asked To Stand In Back”: A simple joke made sillier by inventing a Secretary of the U.S. Department of Height.

Were the infographics good?

“Rising Oil Prices” is an evergreen topic, so much so that The Onion ran this exact headline in 2006’s “Rising Oil Prices.”

Anyways, this infographic is fine. I like “More people driving only when absolutely convenient” is funny, while “Value of U.S. soldiers has decreased proportionally” darkly takes the “blood for oil” claims seriously.

Prince Bandar bin Sultan was the Saudi ambassador to the U.S. from 1983 to 2005.

The most prescient joke might be “Shale-collecting now only for the very rich,” as shale drilling helped the U.S. become the world’s top oil producer.

“What Are We Writing Off?” reminds me that I need to finish my taxes.

Another week, another boom box joke! The most boomer trait of the 2005 Onion, pun intended.

What columnists ran?

“Being The Mayor Of Sucktown Isn't All I Thought It Would Be” showcases Vincent Tremanski as mayor of a world imagined from a juvenile insult. To wit:

I believe it was after I attended my third meeting about putting a yield sign on the corner of Dorkus Boulevard and Dipwad Street that I said, “Note to self: City government isn’t all shits and giggles.” Since then, I’ve come to learn that being a public servant is both an honor and a curse. It’s not as easy as being King Of Everyone. I have a lot of people’s welfare to consider. After all, it’s not like I’m not the star of The Vincent Tremanski Show.

Tremanski takes the job seriously, having succeeded “former mayor Mr. Hot Shot,” who retired rather than run for governor of Jerkachusetts against Gov. Heywood Jablowmi.

The column proceeds along those lines. I like the commitment to the bit, even though I’ll probably forget it tomorrow.

Our other column is “Who Are You Going To Believe—Me, Or That Encyclopedia Britannica 2005 Almanac?” which probably felt dated then, even as the almanac remained in print for another decade.⁸

Then again, that’s part of the joke. Our columnist is a very misinformed person who dislikes being fact-checked by authorities — and that is very modern:

Is it the CD-ROM? Is that what this is about? Well, I have a CD, too. In fact, I have about 200 of them. So do you still insist that Allen County in Kansas has a population of 13,907?

I don’t care what it says on page 673. You can’t believe everything you read. That’s what I’ve been saying this whole time. Jesus.

Am I talking to a brick wall? Did some alien inhabit your body and eat your brain for food? I’m telling you, the population is 13,237. My source? Well, it wasn’t some book I picked up off the street, I’ll tell you that much.

For what it’s worth, Page 673 of the real Almanac discusses the world’s religions, not Allen County.

The parallels to today’s society, where no one trusts anyone (rightly or wrongly), are depressing:

I mean, come on. You’ve known me for years. You’ve never even met editor Susana Darwin. Did you ever stop and wonder about her motivations? Did it even cross your mind that Susie D was paid to edit that book? I mean, put two and two together. Oh, is it ridiculous? I guess you read that in your precious almanac.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Aries, for this depiction of how humans care more about things when they’re personally affected:

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Your stance on the health-care crisis tends to be rather conservative, but for the next few months, it will be heavily influenced by the steel bar protruding from your ribs.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

This is a funny issue, but it’s some of the unheralded headlines that are near-timeliness, including:

• “Nation's Tall Asked To Stand In Back”

• “Slowly Rotating Pie A Metaphor For Trucker's Failing Marriage”

“Terri Schiavo Dies Of Embarrassment” was also pretty good then and now.

What holds up worst?

This is nit-picking, but I would have removed the year from “1998 Powerball Winner Returns To Food-Service Job.”

What would be done differently today?

When Pope Francis dies, The Onion won’t need to choose between its print issue and website for jokes. That’s the most obvious difference.

The jokes about the Fox terror-alert van and Congress are fun. Still, I’d expect today’s The Onion to be even more specific, perhaps calling out a real company like Sinclair or making the Congress article about, say, Speaker Mike Johnson or Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer.

Consider these headlines on The Onion’s homepage in early April 2025:

• “Musk Announces All 340 Million Americans Must Strip And Take Turn Pushing The Wheel Of Pain”

• “Megan Fox Confirms She And New Baby Will Co-Parent Machine Gun Kelly”

• “CNBC Hosts Sit In Stunned Silence For 19th Consecutive Hour”

These are all precise and direct. That’s neither better nor worse, but it’s a deliberate approach.

Thank you

I appreciate all of you who subscribe, read, and/or like, comment or share! Your support makes this little hobby more fun — and helps Substack push this to new audiences.

Next week, more coverage of Pope John Paul II, French’s mustard, the 2000s border-control group The Minutemen, a Jim Anchower column and much more. See you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. Adair later founded PolitiFact.

3. Examples include December 2004’s “Iraq Adopts Terror Alert System” and February 2003’s “Orange Alert Sirens To Blow 24 Hours A Day In Major Cities.”

4. Despite DeLay’s complaint, nearly 300 Marines have received this commendation.

5. His missives are sincere enough to have fooled some 90-year-olds.

6. As seen in this 2004 article!

7. When I spent the summer of 2003 in a small Italian town, one of the perks of my apartment was its proximity to the computer store/internet cafe.

8. I guess basing the column on Microsoft Encarta would have been even more dated.