20 years ago, The Onion updated its website for Ronald Reagan

Plus, John Kerry invents a time machine, another raccoon causes mischief in The Onion, and appearances by "The Simpsons," Jim Anchower, Jay Leno and Medicare Part D.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit June 9, 2004.

Today, we’re revisiting what might be the very 1st instance of The Onion publishing online-only content.

Former President Ronald Reagan died June 5, 2004. With a print publication date of June 9, it’s likely (although I’m not 100% sure) that the paper was already at the press.¹ As you can see in these links (and below), the print issue’s front page from June 9, 2004, and the website from June 10, 2004,² have major differences.

This is significant! I’m not sure why The Onion decided Reagan’s death was the moment to break precedent and update its website. But it’s the 1st instance I can recall of The Onion publishing content online that wasn’t in print.

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What issue is this?

This was Vol. 40, Issue 23, the 196th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

One goal for this newsletter is to chronicle not only how The Onion shaped society, but also how society shaped The Onion. The June 9, 2004, issue illustrates the latter.

In hindsight, this issue reflects how the U.S. was shifting from print to a Web-first world. No longer could The Onion take a week or more to react to real-life news. People demanded immediate reactions — even if that meant occasional slips in joke-writing quality.

How did The Onion maintain its values while speeding up its production cycle? That’ll be a big theme for this newsletter in the coming years.

Let’s get into the Reagan jokes. All the Reagan jokes were online-only, with a few print jokes never making it to the website.

Print-only

• “Michael Moore Kicking Self For Not Filming Last 600 Trips To McDonald's,” which references “Super Size Me,” the Morgan Spurlock documentary.³

• “Shop Marks Two Years Without Car Through Storefront”: As I’ve probably mentioned, my grandmother’s only car accident in almost 80 years of driving was running through a Dunkin’ Donuts storefront. Cars crash through storefronts all the time!

Online-only

• “Reagan's Body Dies”: Probably the safest way to make fun of someone for having Alzheimer’s, especially with such a patriotic photo.

  

• “Nancy Reagan Available At 82”: I’ve always loved this one. It’s rude, but technically accurate.

• “Grieving Rush Limbaugh Hurls Self Into Reagan's Grave”: A decent joke, but anyone could make it.

• “Reconstruction Begins On Berlin Wall”: Easily the nicest thing The Onion says about Reagan.

• “Reagan To Be Honored With $5,000-A-Head Funeral”: Honestly, a dinner at the Washington National Cathedral with “baby arugula, roast beef, and herbed red potatoes” doesn’t sound far-fetched!

Are these jokes funny? I think they’re OK, especially considering The Onion having to rush them. Plus, criticism of Reagan was unusually fraught in this era (see the CBS miniseries controversy from 2003 and The Onion’s coverage).

The top story was “Kerry Names 1969 Version Of Himself As Running Mate,” which published 1 month before Sen. John Kerry picked fellow Sen. John Edwards as his running mate.

Boy, this article brought back a lot of 2004 campaign tropes I hadn’t thought about in many years. Kerry’s military service was a powerful talking point that became a liability. (And, of course, Bush’s lesser military service somehow helped him because of the Dan Rather saga.)

This article reads like standard political journalism, except for the simultaneous presence of 2004 Kerry and 1969 Kerry, which The Onion doesn’t question. I love how today’s Kerry found his past self:

"I was paging through Time and I came across a picture of a very proud, and, might I add, handsome 25-year-old man in full military uniform, just returning from the conflict in Vietnam," Kerry said. "He was strong, fit, and in the flower of youth. I couldn't look away. It was as if there was a light shining from within him. I knew that this man was destined for the White House."

That prose is almost erotic. Anyways, I love how 2004 Kerry describes his younger self as if it’s not his biography, too. There’s also this dig:

"To tell you the truth, sometimes I wish I were more like him," Kerry added.

The Onion quotes the usual political advisors, including John Podesta of the Center for American Progress; Mary Beth Cahill, Kerry’s campaign manager; and Jim Johnson, who led the VP search for Kerry.

The Onion isn’t exactly lambasting Kerry. But, to me, it does highlight Kerry’s public-facing weaknesses: his stiffness and his ego. Every presidential candidate has excessive self-confidence, but some hide it better.

Other political items in this issue include:

• “The New Medicare Drug Card” was a big deal in the early 2000s, especially in the pre-Obamacare era. These jokes are solid — Medicare Part D was probably too complex and boring to explain, so The Onion mocks the broader health care system. I especially like “Each generic drug purchase earns points toward a Medicatre windbreaker or canoe.”

• “Texas Environmentalists Lobby For Solar-Powered Electric Chair”: Texas has become a major producer of solar energy, which makes this joke even better. I also love the call for hemp restraints instead of leather, as well as this quote:

  • "Texas wastes more than 500,000 watts of electricity on every criminal it executes," Durning told reporters Monday. "We live in the 21st century, and it's high time we acted like it.”

• “Congress Launches National Congress-Awareness Week”: Very silly, but it makes me laugh as a longtime D.C. resident. Speaker Dennis Hastert is quoted.

• “Tenet's Resignation”: I forgot that CIA Director George Tenet existed. Anyways, The Onion asked people on the street for reactions — and they are all very funny. Here’s my favorite:

  • "He put in seven years, and for what? A brass plaque that's actually a camera, and a gold watch that kills people."

    Mary Myers • Teacher Assistant

Area People (and Animals) doing Area Things

Left: The pesky raccoon that has turned the ISS upside down. Right: The International Space Station.

The Onion is very good at raccoon-related stories, notably — “Raccoon Leaders Call For Loosening Of Garbage-Can Lids” from May 2000.

“Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station” doesn’t feature a talking raccoon, but it does highlight the love-hate relationship humanity has with the trouble-making animal.

Russian mission control monitors the actions of the furry little devil.

In real life, Expedition 9 aboard the International Space Station was relatively calm. But in The Onion, the raccoon is causing havoc for the astronauts — but also delight.

While capturing the animal remains a top priority, Expedition 9 crewmembers are determined not to harm the sneaky little guy.

"Heck, if we announced we were going to exterminate him, mission control would go berserk," Fincke said. "They can't get enough of his antics."

"He is devious, this one," Padalka said, chuckling.

According to Padalka, the little critter's mischief does provide the crew with much-needed entertainment.

When Padalka opened his locker last week and found an orbiting thundercloud of rumpled wrappers in place of his private supply of Snickers bars, Fincke laughed so hard he spit out the pouch of water he'd been drinking. However, Fincke was not the one laughing when he spotted the playful creature running off wearing his spare Orlan-M spacesuit helmet. But both astronauts could enjoy seeing the bewildered raccoon scrambling to keep up with the zero-gravity treadmill, after having apparently triggered its "quick-start" switch.

The raccoon is likely the same one that plagued Expedition 7, where Commander Yuri Malenchenko nicknamed the animal “Kosmo-Rascal,” after the 1960s children’s book.

I love this story. The hook is a real-life event (the latest ISS expedition), but that’s immediately abandoned for a quirky, fantastical tale. My only quibble? “Mischievous” is redundant when you’re talking about a raccoon.

Bennett appears happy in a March photo taken in his bedroom.

I’m happy The Onion wrote about “The Simpsons,” even if “Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References” feels a bit iffy today with the cavalier approach to college student Aaron Bennett’s suicide.

Weirdly, I’ve watched relatively little of “The Simpsons.” My mom bought me the Season 4 DVD many years ago, so I know that year, along with small parts of the first 10 seasons. I also watched a lot of Seasons 17-20 while visiting friends back home.

A police photo shows Bennett's suicide letter, exactly as found on top of his desk.

This article is full of “Simpsons” references that will delight old-school fans. I had to Google almost all of them, such as “No banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide” (Season 7, Episode 4)

"It will take some time to fully understand Aaron's letter," [Detective Roger] Mann said. "For example, he talks about banishing himself to the land of wind and ghosts, a remark that struck me as particularly haunting and despairing. But later, someone told me the line comes from a Simpsons lampoon of a Japanese TV commercial."

Bennett’s friends are shocked by the news and by the depth of his “Simpsons” knowledge. For instance, childhood friend Magnus Whittaker was emailing with Bennett until communication ceased about 4 months before his death:

"Aaron likened himself to Frank Grimes," Whittaker said, referring to the hard-working Springfield Nuclear Power Plant employee. "He resented that no one paid attention to him, and he complained that no one seemed to appreciate his hard work. Once, when we were IM-ing each other, he said he sometimes wished he would electrocute himself, like Frank Grimes did. I was like, 'Holy flurking schnit.'"

Love the mention of AOL Instant Messenger, a mainstay for college students (like me) back then. You won’t be surprised that most of my away messages were Onion headlines.

The most surprising thing about “List Of Friends Revised After Birthday Party” is that the birthday girl is 22, not 12. Angela Linton keeps tabs on everyone, with a literal list:

Linton said she had roughly 75 friends last week, but the figure plummeted to less than 60 following her birthday party. The list of friends has not seen such a dramatic revision since her modern-dance performance at the Grace Unitarian Church in November 2003.

Party attendance alone did not guarantee continued inclusion on the friend list. Ex-boyfriend Jack Freedman was excised for bringing an inappropriate guest to Linton's party.

I love the pettiness of this judgmental person. Linton downgrades a longtime friend for talking too much to other guests, while a co-worker soared 15 spots for buying her an amaretto sour without asking. Another ex-friend is permanently unfriended for failing to pay her share of the cab ride.

Another fun note is The Onion consulting a sociologist who wrote the fictional book “More Than Grades: Keeping Score In Social Schools.”

I’m barely commenting on this article, but consider how good The Onion was in 2004 that this detailed, funny article is maybe the 4th- or 5th-best thing in the issue.

Other Area People (and Animal) items include:

• “Oil Prices Soar Like Noble Eagle”: One of my favorite one-liners from this era. Probably was one of my AIM away messages.

• “Leno's Voicemail Message Pauses For Laughter”: Feels all too real. Also, a semi-topical Martha Stewart reference.

• “Guys' Night Out To Include Several Key Non-Guys”: A pretty good headline to describe guys lying to their significant others about buying drinks for college girls and going to a strip club.

• “Boss' Threats Hilarious”: A fun look at the horrors of working in telemarketing call centers.

Were the infographics good?

“Who's Number 1?” has always made me laugh, starting with God holding a foam finger and the obligatory “USA! USA! USA!”

“Are you kidding? Zep.” is also good, reminding me of 2001’s “Teen Who Just Discovered Led Zeppelin Starting To Piss Off Friends.”

What columnists ran?

“Jim Anchower's All About Living Life To The Fullest” is the latest from our favorite local burnout, the semi-employed, ‘70s rock- and videogame-loving Jim Anchower.

I love how many columns open with some version of “Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya.”

Every few columns, Anchower quits or gets fired from a job. This time, he was fired from the airport shuttle company, where he was recently suspended for getting into a fight (documented in “Here’s My Road Map To Road Trips”). Another Anchower trope is car trouble; this time, he has to spend $400 replacing his gas tank.

The real surprise of this column is the story of a previously unmentioned friend Dan, who just died. How? Well, the local radio station will give you $500 if the “rock block” gets interrupted — and it was, by a tornado warning. Dan is sitting on his front steps and hears this on the radio. As he’s trying to call the radio station, he’s killed by the tornado flinging a car axle at him.⁴

Leave it to Anchower to find the irony:

Know what the funny thing is? When I saw Dan a couple months ago, he was talking about needing to get rid of all those axles. He was sick of his neighbors hassling him and the city threatening to fine him. If only he'd cleaned his yard, instead of just talking about it. Ain't life fucked up?

…

Well, after hearing about Dan, I decided that Jim Anchower is gonna live every day like it's his last. No more wishing I'd drank that MGD, smoked that bowl, or punched that guy. It's all gonna be balls-out from now on.

“Balls-out” for Anchower involves marijuana, road trips, going to movie theaters and not taking people’s shit.

I love Anchower, but woof, this was dark.

Our other columnist is Justin March, who offers dating advice in “I'm Not Sure If I Know How To Treat A Lady.” It amounts to little more than “don’t be awful,” except with a million caveats and no confidence. For example:

If I were you, I'd take the stuff I said above and see if it works, then add your own personal touches. Treating a lady right should be doable, as long as you keep your eye on the lady. I mean, don't stare, but keep aware of how she's reacting. Unless she's one of those ladies who secretly likes to be ignored, which probably sums up a lot of them.

20 years later, I’m not sure we’ve solved this problem, judging from millions of people’s dating stories.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Capricorn, where The Onion accidentally predicts the 21st century revival of this Stoic by (mostly) online bros.⁵

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Marcus Aurelius said to always honor the human faculty which produces opinions, proving once and for all that he never met you.

What holds up best?

There are many good options. Weirdly, “Texas Environmentalists Lobby For Solar-Powered Electric Chair” feels the most relevant — if not the funniest or most memorable — because of Texas’ continued leadership in executions and solar power.

Also, I love the poetry and motion of “Oil Prices Soar Like Noble Eagle.”

What holds up worst?

“Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References” has so much good stuff, but the premise feels too jokey to me. This is but a mild rebuke, as I think this entire issue is very good.

What would be done differently today?

Maybe I’m too squeamish about “Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References”?

The Onion literally just published “Study Finds Suicide Rate Higher Among Noose Owners”! (The thinking behind the headline is clever, IMO, as it mocks modern “study” articles and is also a commentary on gun ownership and household deaths, but the execution is pretty dull).

I find it interesting that in 2004, you could still base a story about a college kid being obsessed with “The Simpsons,” which had been on the air for 15 years. But I doubt you’d be able to do that today, when the show is in Season 35. The Onion would have to find a cultural touchstone that appeals to today’s 20-year-olds.

While I’m not sure there’s a political icon like Reagan who’s currently alive, I expect The Onion to drop everything when, say, Bill Clinton or George W. Bush die.

Thank you

Grateful for all of you who read this, share your thoughts and share the newsletter with others!

Next week, we’ll revisit the 9/11 Commission, J.K. Rowling, Jimmy Fallon, torture, MP3 players and the return of columnist Dept. Head Rawlings.

1. Similarly, print deadlines made The Onion late in covering 9/11 and Saddam Hussein’s capture, among other events. The Onion was also a week late on the Iraq War, but that was because they took a week’s vacation at exactly the wrong time.

2. The Onion’s website on June 9 still had the June 2 issue’s stories, at least from Internet Archive’s records.

3. RIP Spurlock. Many questions have been raised about the accuracy of his documentary. Even the impact of “Super Size Me” is overstated — the documentary came out May 7, 2004, but McDonald’s had already decided to discontinue supersizing.

4. The tornado angle was possibly inspired by a storm in late May 2004 across Wisconsin and other states.

5. I read “Meditations” around this era (mid-2000s). I thought it was valuable as part of the wider philosophy major I was undertaking. But I didn’t become a quasi-modern Stoic.