20 years ago, The Onion reported on the Iraq war
The Onion returns from a week off to catch up on the war. Plus, a famous column by a expecting father. And remember Maxim magazine?
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 26, 2003.
The Onion returned from a week off to find the Iraq war in full swing. This is an important issue in The Onion’s history, even if not as iconic as the post-9/11 issue.
Great to have some new subscribers! The Onion’s Iraq war coverage will be fun to revisit. There’s also a big archive of issues to revisit if you’re curious about The Onion from 2000, 2001 and 2002.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 11, the 139th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today.
I’m sad that the Internet Archive snapshot from 2003 is missing so many images. Note the special layout for the big war issue (desktop-only, because it’s pre-smartphones!).
The front-page headline “U.S. Draws Up Plan For Post-War Transitional Dictatorship In Iraq” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Not since right after 9/11 had The Onion dedicated so much print real estate to one topic — there are 14 items entirely about Iraq, along with 1 horoscope entry.
This is a strong issue — focused and funny. And some jokes feel like predictions of how the war would go wrong. Before we get into, here’s how I plan to cover The Onion and Iraq.
I generally ask myself a few questions:
Was this funny 20 years ago? And what about now?
Is this funny because of the writing? Or is it funny now because The Onion predicted something about President George W. Bush or the war?
Would this still be funny if the U.S. decided not to invade Iraq, or if the war had gone exactly as advertised?
Why might someone else find this funny/unfunny?
To use a non-Iraq example, I fondly recalled “Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5” at the end of 2022, but what if Sony had never produced a PlayStation 3, much less 4 and 5? This article would be funny but much less relevant. And if you’ve never played video games, you might not care.
The other caveat: What I like about The Onion isn’t the same as everyone else! I gravitate toward The Onion’s absurdist bent, its fictional universes and “local” personalities. I love the stories featuring talking animals.
That affects my Iraq coverage — 1996’s “U.S. 'Sends Message' to Iraq With Massive Display of Beefcake” is probably my favorite Iraq story ever.
You might appreciate The Onion for different reasons, and that’s OK!
Anyways, “Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle” is in my wheelhouse. The Onion satirizes political leaders who talk tough about war while sending young soldiers to do their bidding. But that’s only half the joke. After all, many comedians could do bits about “Why doesn’t Bush go over there and fight?”
The Onion’s President George W. Bush isn’t just a soldier; he’s the best and bravest soldier:
"The president carried me through an enemy minefield after my arm had been blown off by a mortar shell, blazing away with his pistol as he delivered me to safety," Pvt. Chris Adair said.
"Then, after he'd gotten me to a medic, he went all the way back through that same minefield—carrying a 40-pound bag of ice the whole way—to retrieve my severed arm so the doctors could sew it back on. Now, thanks to President Bush, I'll still be able to play piano for the church choir back home in Appleton, just like I promised Grandma. He is truly an American hero."
The Onion also reveals that the Pentagon wanted an air war, but Bush insisted that real wars are won with infantry.
I also love the little details: Soldiers nicknaming Bush “Big Tex,” a 19-year-old private saying that Bush is the opposite of politicians who are born with a silver spoon.
“No, that ain't Bush," Elkins said. "He ain't no fortunate son."
Why does this story hold up for me? A few reasons. One, my personal bias for this type of Onion silliness. Two, even if the Iraq war had gone perfectly and every country in the Middle East was a democracy today, it still makes sense to satirize the president (any president) ordering troops into combat while sitting safely at home.
Third, this article illustrates one of The Onion’s most underrated approaches to satire: Praise.
Sure, The Onion could write about Bush making bad decisions or the Pentagon being unprepared for nation-building (and it did, many times). But many people were making that point -- including “The Daily Show.”1
Instead, The Onion uses simple logic: We are a satirical publication, so by praising something effusively, ergo, there’s something deeply wrong with it. Making Bush the modern Sgt. Alvin York is a rather unusual way to deliver the joke, but it’s what makes The Onion great.
On the ground in Iraq
The Onion had many jokes about the invasion itself. Let’s start with the most simple, the front-page headlines:
“U.S. Takes Out Key Iraqi Bases In Midnight Raid” is a delightful nod to the Atari video game “Missile Command.” Did I have to look this up to confirm? Yes, because I was not alive when this game debuted.
We also have “New Bomb Capable Of Creating 1,500 New Terrorists In Single Blast” and “U.S. Draws Up Plan For Post-War Transitional Dictatorship In Iraq,” both solid Day 1 jokes that aged well.
“Dead Iraqi Would Have Loved Democracy” is a Day 1 article that could have easily become the Iraq version of “‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens” if The Onion had wanted to.
An errant U.S. missile killed Taha Sabri, a shoemaker and father of five. There aren’t really jokes here — just realistic quotes from Taha’s widow, Sawssan:
"My husband was no fan of Saddam," Sawssan said. "He felt he was a terrible despot. If the Americans do drive him from power, it will be that much more of a shame that they killed Taha."
Any war has civilian casualties, and it makes sense for The Onion to comment.
The war at home
“Local Mom Whips Up Some Of Her Famous War Pie” tries to be the Iraq war equivalent of “Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake” from the 9/11 issue. And while nothing tops that 9/11 story, this is quite a tale!
I love how many generations of this family have made war pies, going back to at least the Truman administration. Iowa resident Janet Sensenbrenner first saw her mom make it in the 1960s, and she taught her daughter during the Persian Gulf war.
The main change since the 1950s is vegetable shortening instead of lard.2 And butter is a must -- no margarine.
She doesn’t limit herself to pies, either:
"I made Skirmish Custard when we invaded Grenada and Police Action Potato Chip Casserole when we went into Panama for General Noriega," Sensenbrenner said. "Even [husband] Doug got into the act with his Air Strikes Against Libya Waffles."
Her co-workers at the Cedar County clerk’s office enjoy these pies whenever the U.S. bombs a country. But Sensenbrenner’s son, Chris, is too enthusiastic:
"Obviously, no one in the family wants to see young American soldiers die in battle, but we sure do love Mom's war pie," Chris said. "I walked in the house after basketball practice, and I could smell it in the oven. Mmm, mmm, it's too bad we don't go to war more often!"
“U.S. Forms Own U.N.” is a rather obvious joke. The U.S. U.N. is based in Houston, with English and Christianity enshrined as the official language and faith. It’s unclear whether any Democrats are included, much less other countries.
The U.S. U.N. is similarly structured, with a secretary-general (Colin Powell) and a Security Council. The five members with vetoes are Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld and Tom Ridge.
The Onion also asked people on the street what they thought of “Media Coverage Of The War.” The 1st item is a Fox News joke, with The Onion belatedly recognizing the network’s rising influence.
The most interesting joke is this one. I was too young to remember people talking about hot reporters(?!) during the Persian Gulf war.
"One week into the conflict, it's still unclear who will emerge as this war's Arthur 'Scud Stud' Kent."
Amanda Criss • Nutritionist
The Onion predicted the future! About 2 weeks the New York Post wrote about Arthur Kent. Also, Wikipedia says that BBC reporter Rageh Omaar was nicknamed the “Scud Stud” of the Iraq war.
Other “war at home” Iraq stories include:
“Sheryl Crow Unsuccessful; War On Iraq Begins”: Bush’s press secretary, Ari Fleischer, apologized to Crow for this, as well as Martin Sheen, Janeane Garofalo, and Nelly.
“Vital Info On Iraqi Chemical Weapons Provided By U.S. Company That Made Them”: Alcolac International is a real company that illegally exported mustard gas in the 1980s and defeated lawsuits by U.S. servicemembers accusing it of conspiring with Saddam Hussein in the Persian Gulf war. What a company.
“U.S. Continues Proud Tradition Of Diversity On Front Lines”: A fairly standard joke, with very 1990s/early 2000s terms like “multiculturalism” and “colorblind.”
Area People doing Area Things
There were a few stories not about Iraq, notably “Maxim Reader Eager To Put Newly Acquired Knowledge Of Women To Use,” which is quite the time capsule of marketing to American men.
Maxim, wow. This is the real cover from March 2003.3 So aggressive. And at the top, I get promoting "beer" and "sports," but "bones"?
Anyways, the article is about 23-year-old Kevin Blynn, and this feels like real proto-Tucker Max shit:
"Until I found out about Maxim, I really didn't understand girls," Blynn said. "Now, I've got an edge. One article suggested I pretend to be gay to get women to let their defenses down. I mean, it's risky and could easily backfire, but if it works, I'll be swimming in it."
It goes from there — “terror sex” is particularly ingenious/disturbing.
I do enjoy this reference to “missed connections” — a staple of pre-internet classifieds and very much the alt-weekly vibe that The Onion’s print issue cultivated:
“If this Maxim stuff is building up his confidence, more power to him. It couldn't be any worse than when he used to run stuff in the 'Missed Connections' section of the personals, hoping to hook up with some girl he'd stared at in some coffee shop for hours. That was just sad."
The other Area People articles feel like offshoots of the Maxim tree:
“Casual Sex Surprisingly Formal”: A classic spring break tale?
“Kidnapped Hilton Sisters Appalled By Captor's Basement” is a product of the early 2000s kidnappings era (Elizabeth Smart, et al.). I hate reality TV and everyone associated, but even I think this is a cruel depiction of the Hiltons.
Were the infographics good?
Both infographics are about the Iraq war. “New Military Technology” previews changes since the 1st Iraq war.
I like these stupid jokes, especially: “Motivational Chomping Cigar”; “six-pocket ‘Mother of All Pants’”; and “Hummer reconfigured for military use.”
“Top Anti-War Slogans” has solid one-liners that represent the times. Certainly more voter apathy and fewer out-and-about socialists back then. Che Guevara is always lurking, I guess.
Finally, “Prescription-Drug Safety” is a list of jokes. They’re decent. My favorite might be the last one:
If you are ever in doubt about the safety of a particular medication, consult a qualified physician. He will be happy to pooh-pooh your concerns.
What columnists ran?
“This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won't” is one of the most famous Point/Counterpoint columns. And it’s good, but it also is a great example of “This reads better because of how future events unfolded.”
The column is as straightforward as the headline. The 1st writer says the Iraq war “will be an unmitigated disaster” that will spawn far more terrorists than exist now. The 2nd writer says, “Nope”:
Trust me, it’s all going to work out perfect. Nothing bad is going to happen. It’s all under control.
Why do you keep saying these things? I can tell when there’s trouble looming, and I really don’t sense that right now. We’re in control of this situation, and we know what we’re doing. So stop being so pessimistic.
This column holds up, mostly because it perfectly satirizes a vein of the pre-war debate. But if you’re looking for a laugh-out-loud Point/Counterpoint, this isn’t it.
Our other column is also a classic Onion headline with a decent article. “You And Me And Baby Minus Me Makes Two” does that Onion thing of repeating a joke over and over in slightly different ways. Here’s an example:
Watching our child's birth, seeing it grow, hearing its first word and seeing its first step—I'm going to burst with joy over not seeing a single one of these things. I can hardly wait for the blessed event of me moving far away, someplace where all this baby business is just a memory, and a short-lived one at that.
The headline might be better than the column, but it’s still a good example of the genre.
What was the best horoscope?
So many good horoscopes this week, including jokes about Gen. George Patton and the river Styx. But my favorite is Cancer:
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Rocket skates, giant magnets, and anvils are all well and good, but as the new president of Acme, you're expected to come up with the next Swiffer.
What holds up best?
There are several good choices. I favor “Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle,” but I won’t begrudge you for choosing something else.
What holds up worst?
“Kidnapped Hilton Sisters Appalled By Captor's Basement” is a clumsy attempt to make light of kidnappings and the Hiltons’ superficiality.
What would be done differently today?
The Onion would not run this joke in the “Prescription-Drug Safety” story. This is a weird, throwaway joke that’s, well, more political these days:
Stay away from that Lipitor shit. It's like hosting a Filipino drag-queen knife fight in your skull.
I’m hopeful we don’t have to see The Onion pull out all the stops for a U.S.-started conflict anytime soon. I guess you could look at how The Onion covered Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in February 2022 as a modern proxy.
Thank you
See you next week, where we get some very 2000s references to Nelly, DVDs, Halliburton, “Friends” and Celine Dion’s Las Vegas residency. Plus, Jackie Harvey’s annual Oscars column!
I have no idea whether The Onion and “The Daily Show” paid attention to each other’s humor, jokes or stances. And I hesitate to lump them together in any circumstance. Plus, if The Onion or “The Daily Show” were too similar, neither would be as remembered today.
There’s a TikTok guy (and author), B. Dylan Hollis, who bakes old-time recipes that frequently feature lard, condensed milk and similar old-timey ingredients.
Here’s a Maxim recap of that issue, if you want to know what was warping Americans’ minds.