20 years ago, The Onion predicted PlayStation 5
We close out 2002 with prescient stories about PS5, Iraq, the Bill of Rights and the war on Christmas. Also, thank you for 3 years of this newsletter!
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 18, 2002.
This was the final new issue of 2002 for The Onion, which wouldn’t return with new jokes until Jan. 15, 2003. We’ll be taking a break, too.
I started this newsletter in January 2020 because I wanted a hobby. My idea of a “hobby” is apparently 4-5 hours each week (and ~100,000 words a year). But it’s fun, and I hope it’s entertaining for you, too. Looking forward to another year in 2023!
If you want to see where this all started, I first wrote about The Onion’s evolution 9 years ago — right before The Onion stopped printing its newspaper.
If you’re new here, we won’t publish for a few weeks, but please sign up anyways.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 47, the 129th new Onion issue of the 2000s. The 2002 website isn’t preserved, but here’s the website in 2012 and today.
The front-page headlines that are no longer online are:
“Cindy Lou Who Asks Why We're Invading Iraq” (she’s a character in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” if you’re like me and forgot)
“8-Year-Old Carefully Invests Dreidel Winnings”
The story “Man Always Insists You Toss Him Keys Rather Than Just Hand Them To Him” did publish in 2002, according to archived website pages. Today’s website mistakenly claims it’s from Dec. 29, 2004.
Looking back at The Onion’s conjuring of PlayStation 5
“Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5” has been on my mind for months. This is a great article on its own, and it holds up 20 years later.
Longtime readers might remember The Onion’s obsession with PlayStation 2. This article is the pinnacle of that obsession.
Today, I'm focusing on comparing The Onion’s predictions with the real PlayStation 5.1 I'm fascinated by how relevant this story feels today, especially considering it took 18 years for Sony to put out the real PS5.
PlayStation 5’s look and feel
Look, you can’t predict everything. The 2002 design above is clunky by today’s design standards. However, they do appear similar in size.
PlayStation 5’s features
I’m surprised how well The Onion did here. In a few instances, it’s actually too optimistic about PlayStation technology.
Specs
The Onion’s description is mostly nonsense words, but “360-degree online-immersion play” sounds like virtual reality, right?
a 2,048-bit console featuring a 45-Ghz trinary processor, CineReal graphics booster with 2-gig biotexturing, and an RSP connector for 360-degree online-immersion play.
Compare that with PlayStation’s actual description of its VR:
360-degree vision
Watch as a living, breathing game world comes alive all around you, with a seamless field of view wherever you turn.
The Onion predicts 2016’s hot TV would be “the 4'x8' Hi-Def Sony Titania.” You can buy a 96-inch TV in 2022, although I’m not sure you could in 2016.
Games
The Onion does a great job here, especially in predicting online gaming’s dominance. The games sound plausible, too.
Even the exaggeration is well-placed. I’m laughing at the last line in this paragraph:
"They always ask if you can play it on the Internet—it's so cute how they still call it 'the Internet'—and I tell them, 'Hey, you can play this against 63 other PS5 owners simultaneously. At least you can in 14 years,'" the Ghost said. "And you should see their jaws hit the floor when they learn about the add-on accessories that enable users to actually fly around the room during gameplay."
I love all the fictional games:
“Toteki Aluminum,” a fighting game
“Zonic Fugue,” about Sonic the Hedgehog’s son
“Airsledz,” a 4D online sled-racing game
“Back To Werewolf Island,” a game featuring the “skagcore” of Frances Cobain2
“Star Wars—Episode IX: Jedi Destiny”: Who know there really would be an Episode IX of Star Wars! The Onion is 3 years ahead of real life here.
And, of course, “DC vs. Marvel.” The Onion accidentally predicts Hollywood becoming little more than an assembly line of Marvel and DC (and Fast & Furious) movies:
The Ghost said he shows the children a brief clip of DC vs. Marvel, in which cinema-realistic figures of Spider-Man and the Joker dash across impossibly detailed city streets, attacking each other with dozens of different offensive maneuvers while leaping, somersaulting, and throwing objects.
"They usually start trembling at that point," the Ghost said. "That's when I go in for the kill by casually mentioning that the game comes packaged with the 2016 feature film of the same name—not on DVD, of course, but on SCAP. Ten times better."
No idea what SCAP is supposed to mean, but half-credit to The Onion for realizing DVDs would be displaced.
PlayStation 5’s timing and price
The Onion’s Ghost of Christmas Future predicts the PS5 would be available for Christmas 2016. The PS5 actually debuted Nov. 12, 2020.
The Ghost of Christmas Future says the PS5 will cost “Δ399 New Dollars ($199 Canadian),” implying the U.S. dollar has collapsed. Sadly, the real PS5 cost $500 Canadian!
Overall, I am impressed at how well this article holds up. It’s a great example of The Onion’s detailed writing creating a universe we can understand and explore. And it’s pretty funny, too!
What was the government doing?
President George W. Bush returns in“Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six,” which features Attorney General John Ashcroft. Congress has passed legislation affecting 9 of the 10 amendments in the Bill of Rights — only the 2nd Amendment is untouched.
The Onion’s doing a lot here: Criticizing the Patriot Act and other post-9/11 measures, mocking the Democrats’ ineptitude (the new law is unopposed by Dems) and feeding into people’s fear (real or otherwise) of a tyrannical government.
If you like doublespeak from your government officials, this article is for you:
"We're not taking away personal rights; we're increasing personal security," Ashcroft said. "By allowing for greater government control over the particulars of individual liberties, the Bill of Rights will now offer expanded personal freedoms whenever they are deemed appropriate and unobtrusive to the activities necessary to effective operation of the federal government."
The 3rd, 4th, 6th and 9th Amendments are effectively gone, while Amendments V, VI and VII are combined into Super-Amendment V: The One About Trials, which is a topical reference to how “Friends” episodes were titled.
Bush is also excited to have Congress return in January for “a new round of counterterrorism legislation."
How did a simple act of Congress wipe out constitutional amendments? That’s not important here, apparently.
I like this article — it’s sardonic, laser-focused and taps into many Americans’ worries about government overreach (or, at least, the bad party’s overreach). Plus that ridiculous Photoshop of Bush using Wite-Out and a Sharpie on the Bill of Rights makes me laugh.
We haven’t talked about the War on Terror in a while! And maybe The Onion’s writers also noticed, because we have the infographic “How Are We Fighting The War On Terror?”
“Tactical shopping sprees” is one of my favorite one-liners of the year. I can’t explain it. It’s just so good in this context. The Atlantic Monthly joke is a classic Onion dig at the media, too.
We also get a look at the Bush administration’s continuing buildup to war in Iraq.
“Iraq And The Nuclear Option” is The Onion talking to people on the street. In real life, Bush had apparently said he wouldn’t rule out nukes against enemies with WMDs.
This is a tricky Onion story to review in 2022. After all, Vladimir Putin has been talking about possibly using nukes against Ukraine! And I don’t want to blithely draw a parallel, especially because I struggled to track down Bush’s statement.
I think The Onion is referencing a Bush administration policy paper that’s mostly an “all options are available” statement. So, not a direct threat, but apparently a change in posture from the Clinton administration.
Anyways, people are concerned about this, but one guy has bigger problems:
"It's like the late '80s all over again: A Bush threatening war, nuclear paranoia, me involved in a protracted legal battle over an alleged sex crime…"
Larry Golub • Gardener
Speaking of Putin, he’s in the very silly front-page headline “Putin Will Try The, How You Say, Fried Chicken.” Remember when we didn’t take him seriously?
Finally, FBI Director Robert Mueller makes another appearance with “FBI: Six Dead Not Really 'Mass' Murder.” This is a crass joke about a fictional school shooting that seems at odds with The Onion’s current approach. And the FBI actually does define mass murder as 4+ deaths, although I’m not sure whether this definition existed in 2002.
Area People doing Area Things
That was an unpleasant bunch of stories. Unfortunately, I’ve got one more for you: “Coworker Suicide Fails To Shatter Office.”
I feel like jokes about suicides were more common 20 years ago, and that Robin Williams’ death was a tipping point that made those jokes less palatable. And while I don’t think comedians today would say, “Never joke about suicide,” I suspect they try to be more clever about it. That’s just my perception, so perhaps I’m wrong.
Anyways, The Onion tries to avoid this minefield by talking about a fictional person at a fictional company — and by focusing on how uncaring and callous his co-workers are. I don’t think the joke 100% works, but I’ll let y’all decide.
The secondary joke — the banality of corporate offices — does work really well. This email from corporate has all the hallmarks of HR: politeness that borders on robotic, an obsession with compliance and an auto-generated line about this inbox not being monitored:
"Employees who wish to attend Tom Blundell's 5 p.m. memorial service may do so without punching out, but the office holiday party will still start at 6 p.m. sharp," the e-mail read. "Sentinel Management Solutions: providing effective, affordable management consultation for businesses large and small since 1984. Do not reply to this message."
“Frequent Flyer Knows Out-Of-The-Way Airport Bar That's Never Crowded” is a great slice-of-life story — in this case, of those business travelers who are on the road half the year or more.
Motorola project manager Donald Meyers not only has preferences for airport bars, but he’s singled out the specific terminal in Chicago’s O’Hare airport with his favorite bar — one of his top 10 nationally:
“I don’t say this often, but visiting this little bar is actually worth extending your time between flights,” Meyers said. “It’s never crowded, the chairs are incredibly comfortable, and it’s set back a bit from the terminal walkways, so it’s not nearly as loud as your average airport bar. I’d have to put it up there with the Cheers bar at Detroit Metro and the one they used to have at the end of the United terminal at Denver’s old Stapleton International.3”
Sadly, and this is the twist I love, Meyers talks way too much about the secrets of air travel and airport bars. Multiple passengers who’ve sat next to him complain about his long-winded discussions of SkyMall neck pillows, the Newark Airport Westin, kosher meals and more.
“I’d shoot myself if I ever knew that much about airport hotels and bars,” Appel added. “Thank God I don’t have to fly as much as that poor loser.”
I promise, you will not hear me talk about The Onion that much if we’re ever in a conversation. I’m probably not promoting this newsletter enough, honestly.
Other Area People stories include:
“Fact Repeated As Urban Legend”: This story feels designed for our modern era, where it’s so difficult to know what’s real and what’s not. The fake urban legends are “Brady Bunch” star Robert Reed dying of AIDS and Lorena Bobbitt cutting off her husband’s penis.
“Man Always Insists You Toss Him Keys Rather Than Just Hand Them To Him”: Oh, I love this joke. I just wish it was a longer article. This one ends with: “Green said Squirek also insists on hopping into convertibles whenever possible rather than using the door.”
“Woman Who Visited Kenya Once Struts Confidently Into African Store”: This feels exaggerated, but it’s not hard to imagine an American college student going to a resort in Kenya and feeling like an expert on all things Africa.
“Barnes & Noble Staffers Mock Orson Scott Card Crowd From Back Of Room”: The Onion is only making fun of itself, I suspect, when it makes fun of nerd culture.
“How Was Local Man To Know Carol Channing's Niece Was Around?” This is another story that The Onion could have made into a full-length article. Was this local man’s joke funny? Probably not, but still, that’s some bad luck.
Were the infographics good?
Sometimes I wonder whether I should watch “Harry Potter” and “Lord of the Rings” just so I can understand these 20-year-old references.
Anyways, I don’t love this “Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers” infographics. The jokes about Klingon and only boys liking LOTR feel kind of lazy.
But I do like “Are Neil Peart [of Rush]; need new lyrical inspiration” if only because any Rush reference is also a nerd reference. (RIP to Peart, BTW)
What columnists ran?
I’m thrilled we’re closing out 2002 with Onion columnist Jim Anchower, the voice of the people. And he’s right: “Secret Santas Are For Shit.”
Anchower’s having a tough time with what we’d now call seasonal affective disorder, though thankfully he has a GameCube (no PlayStation for Jim!). And yet again, he has a new job at, essentially, a popup store called Holiday Land. He’s working in the tree department. As usual, Jim hates his boss, but I think he has a point this time:
He thinks he's being funny when he calls me Jim Clamchowder, like I didn't hear enough of that in eighth grade.
The genuine surprise here is that Anchower and his boss get into a Bill O’Reilly-style debate over “Merry Christmas.” Anchower isn’t exactly defending the faith, however
Last Friday, Smalley totally dressed me down for wishing someone a Merry Christmas. I told him I thought we were supposed to say that, and he was like, "You're supposed to say 'Happy Holidays.' It fosters an environment of religious inclusion." I got a news flash for you, Smalley: It don't make no difference if you tell them "Happy Ass Day." They're there to get a Christmas tree, not a holiday tree.
But back to the title of this column. Anchower doesn’t like the forced camaraderie of Secret Santa, and I agree. Let’s just do our work and go home — and if people want to do stuff together on their own, that’s great!
I won’t spoil it, but the Secret Santa doesn’t go well for anyone.
Our other column, “What This Town Needs Is A Really Shitty Community Newspaper,” feels like it’s from a long-ago era. And I started my career at a rural daily newspaper that was the big fish in a little pond. So I totally get this columnist’s misconception that the Duluth News-Tribune is a massive paper that needs a small-town rival:
Each week, the Beacon will offer the good people of Park Hills grammatically shaky, factual-error-packed articles on traffic problems, local taxpayer issues, and proposed public works projects. There will also be reports on the few trivial incidents of crime that occur in our neighborhood, but above all, we wish to highlight positive aspects of our community, no matter how grindingly dull they may be.
This newspaper will also include features like random movie reviews, a column by the author’s daughter and lots of error-filled events listings.
There’s also a great inside-newspaper joke, as the Beacon also promises “trivia quizzes, soap-opera updates, and other such syndicated filler from King Features. Oh, and clip art. Plenty of clip art.”
King Features. Good lord. If you’ve ever read the comics in the local paper, they probably came from King Features.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Cancer. “So many” is a perfect addition to that sentence.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Don't take next week's failures too hard: No one could have foreseen the sudden appearance of so many ax-wielding monkeys.
What holds up best?
The PlayStation 5 story. Now, hindsight is 20/20. If PlayStation no longer existed, this story would be — at best — an oddity. But PlayStation is still thriving, and so The Onion looks like Nostradamus (or at least Weekly World News’ version of Nostradamus)
What holds up worst?
“FBI: Six Dead Not Really 'Mass' Murder” doesn’t match The Onion’s vibe anymore, and it’s not all that funny. Maybe a longer article could have built out the joke?
What would be done differently today?
This issue feels modern — lots of politics and current events, fun Area Man stories and a goofy look at the future of technology.
Nowadays, The Onion spends a lot of December doing “year in review” content, including on social media. I don’t know whether The Onion did anything like this with its print newspaper. We certainly don’t see it in the issues I’m reviewing.
Finally, “Successories Poster Shoplifted” is delightful, but it’s a very old joke that doesn’t work as well in 2022.
Thank you
I can’t believe I’ve been writing this for 3 years. Thanks for coming along on the journey. I hope this gives you some laughs and provides some context. I’m not someone who wants to dwell in the past, but I do find I learn a lot from looking back and seeing, “OK, what was going on then? And how does it compare with today?” This newsletter lets me do that in a fun way.
I might send a quick note in the next few weeks. But at the very least, we’ll see you Jan. 15, 2003, for The Onion’s 1st new issue of 2003.
As always, leave a comment with your thoughts, or reply to the email (if you get it in your inbox).
PlayStation’s the only video game system I’ve owned in the past 20+ years, starting with the original PlayStation in high school. Since then, I’ve gotten PS2, PS3 and PS4 from my brother a few years after they came out. So, no PS5 for me (yet).
Frances is the daughter of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love and is actually kind of famous, but not for music.
This Denver airport closed in 1995.
I don’t have too many thoughts beyond: I love this newsletter and enjoy every issue! Extremely fun to revisit this all, and not a bad way to feel how America’s vibe drifts and changes!