The Onion attacked Social Security 20 years ago

Let's revisit 2005's political flashpoints, including Social Security reform, torture, the morning-after pill ... and "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 30, 2005.

Welcome to readers who found me through the “Hammurderer” issue from 2022! I have no idea why Substack suddenly boosted that, but I’m grateful!

This week’s issue illustrates the adage that “History doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes,” a quote (incorrectly) attributed to Mark Twain.

Also, this week features a rare Onion dip into popular music — remember Conor Oberst?

ICYMI:

• The Onion is hiring, including editors for sports and entertainment.

• The Onion restored the columnist archive pages, such as Jim Anchower's.

• Last week was the anniversary of “Hamster Thrown From Remote-Control Monster Truck,” one of the Onion jokes that inspired this newsletter. I reshared (and slightly updated) my 2001 review.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 13, the 235th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005 and today. There’s no Internet Archive record of the 2015 Issue 13 page, which redirected to this by July 2015.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

These front-page headlines are no longer online:

• “Animal Comes In Fun Animal Shape”

• “History Sighs, Repeats Itself”

Both are classics in different ways. The Onion currently sells “History Sighs, Repeats Itself” as a T-shirt.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Conan O’Brien recently received the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, with his acceptance speech highlighting why people believe Twain said things like, “History doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes,” even if he didn’t.

Nobody is doing Mark Twain’s exact humor in 2025 — and probably not in 1925, for that matter. But many people are echoing, rhyming and remixing his style, approach and perspective. As O’Brien said:

“Twain is funny and important today because his comedy is a hilarious celebration of our fears, our ineptitude, and the glorious mess of being human.”

This is an optimistic, even joyful, take on the human condition. And The Onion has done the same for nearly 40 years, as seen in its slogan “Tu stultus es,” or “You are dumb.”

Bush warns the audience about Social Security.

“History rhymes” can feel like a real thing when revisiting the March 30, 2005, issue. Let’s start with the top political story, “Bush Launches Preemptive Attack On Social Security.”

This was a simple satire in 2005. The Onion is mocking President George W. Bush’s signature focuses during this time: The war in Iraq and his desire to reform Social Security, including partial privatization.

Of course, Social Security is getting reformed in a different way in 2025. If you saw the headline “DOGE Launches Preemptive Attack On Social Security,” you might not know whether it was parody or reality — and weirder still, whether it was pro-DOGE or anti-DOGE.

One of Bush’s other real-life tics was finding a way to mention 9/11 at every turn. The Onion embraces this here:

“September 11 taught us that, in our unstable world, we must take bold, decisive action to protect our citizens from threats both foreign and domestic,” Bush said. “We must free citizens everywhere from the threat of financial dependence on the government.”

The Onion enlists a U.S. Army War College professor to explain the insurgency that is Social Security:

“The Social Security system is complex and resilient, with a network of cooperative agents across the country and an entrenched relationship with many of the nation’s most desperate elements,” Reed said. “Luckily, a well-funded coalition of pro-business forces has already begun striking selected targets of legislative importance in order to stop the cells that provide assistance to people on the extreme end of the age spectrum.”

Another example of history rhyming is the infographic “Information Thieves.” Someone is always trying to steal your identity, even if the methods evolve.

I’ve mentioned how bank robberies have plummeted, but there was enough nostalgia(?) in 2005 for this joke: “Robbing a bank requires a gun, which you have to wait 2-3 days to receive.”

Also, it’s disturbing that spam comments about “working from home” have been around for over 20 years: “It's an actual way to work from home, part-time, earning millions of dollars per week using only a home computer.”

Finally, “The Morning-After Pill” reflects the decades-old war over abortion, contraception, etc. In 2005, the pendulum was swinging toward expanded access, with The Onion asking people about the FDA considering over-the-counter Plan B sales.² Today, of course, the pendulum is swinging in the opposite direction.

My favorite response mentions a 1970s IUD that was not very safe:

“Not for me, thanks. I’ve had a Dalkon Shield IUD in me for 30 years, and in me it’s gonna stay.”

Ana Huff • Musician

A caveat

Timing is everything when saying, “The Onion predicted this!” In 2024, I would have reviewed the Bush story as just another “Hey, it’s the mid-2000s” nostalgia piece.

For example, 2003’s “Canada, India Sheepishly Resolve Border Dispute” has only been newsworthy once in the past 22 years — and that happened to be the week I reviewed that issue in 2023.

And some headlines are never newsworthy again, like 1996’s “Umabomber Captured” — well, unless Uma Thurman starts mailing explosives to people.

Even more politics

“What Did Woodrow Wilson Do On This Very Spot?” is a random choice, but that’s OK!

I especially like “Danced a jig, spun a yarn—something old-timey.” Less remarkable is “Made out with Austrian ambassador,” which is a typical 2000s “tee-hee, gay people!” joke.

Also, I didn’t notice the illustrated urination until I was proofing this newsletter.

Other political items include:

• “American Torturing Jobs Increasingly Outsourced”: This is a classic Onion cynicism — anti-Bush while imagining the most provincial liberal response. Says the AFL-CIO:

  • “And specialists within the field—corrosive-material chemists, ocular surgeons, and testicular electricians—are lucky to find any jobs at all. How are they supposed to feed their families?”

• “‘Missed Connection' Ad Obviously Cheney”: This is near the height of Craiglist’s cultural cache.

Remember Bright Eyes?

Even as a college student, I always thought the band Bright Eyes (e.g., Conor Oberst) was depressing and a bit much. The mid-2000s was a very twee/emo era, what with The Postal Service, Death Cab for Cutie, et al. And still, Bright Eyes was in its feelings.

Anyways, that’s the backstory for “Nation Planning Surprise Party To Cheer Up Conor Oberst.” The Onion is reacting to Spin’s February 2005 cover story on Oberst. And as a Spoon fan, I love this ending line:

“Britt Daniel from Spoon will lure Oberst to Omaha by asking him to overdub some vocals.”

Area People doing Area Things

Bergeron, who is still searching for the ultimate home video.

“America Still Searching For Funniest Home Video” is another simple but effective satire with this premise: What if “America’s Funniest Home Videos” was designed to find the singular, ultimate funniest video?

“AFV” host Tom Bergeron was on the cusp of becoming a big-time TV star, as “Dancing With The Stars” premiered on June 1, 2005.

In this universe, Bergeron and real-life executive producer Vin Di Bona can’t believe finding the funniest video has taken so long!

“We’ve come close,” Di Bona said. “Parallel-Parking Grandma was almost there. If only she’d knocked over two more lawn ornaments. Or if we’d just nailed the sound effect. We knew the ’boing’ wasn’t enough, but we felt the ’ker-boinnng, waaaah’ was too much.””

"Table Tennis, Anyone?" is one of many home videos that failed to earn the title of "funniest."

Somewhat like Captain Ahab, original host Bob Saget (whose version I loved as a kid) was driven mad by his quest to find the white whale. Says Di Bona:

“After working on Full House, Bob was really excited to do a show with a purpose. But the 80-hour weeks started to wear him down. One late night during season six, Bob flipped. He started cursing, throwing things, and screaming that we were no closer to finding America’s funniest home video than we were when we started. In 1997, when he heard the news that Germany had found their nation’s funniest video, he quit. He couldn’t take the pressure anymore.”

I love this premise — the thought of them identifying that all-time funniest video, and then Bergeron saying, “OK, good night!” and the show never airing again.

Shaker, Dillon, and Merle in the home they now share.

“Live-In Boyfriend Like The Deadbeat Dad Kids Never Had” is a great role reversal. Instead of May Anne Wyatt’s 4 children having no man in the house or a criminal dad, Earl “Trey” Shaker is merely shiftless.

Wyatt is very positive about Shaker, although his parental skills are limited. He can teach the kids how to steal cable, buy propane randomly, hog the PlayStation and “reach a box of taco shells on the top shelf.”

Also, parenting styles have shifted in recent decades. This comment was more innocuous in 2005 (and especially in the 20th century):

Although members of Wyatt’s extended family have complained that Shaker doesn’t have a steady source of income and doesn’t provide the children with much-needed discipline, Wyatt was quick to disagree.

“Oh no, Trey can be real strict, especially after he’s been drinking,” Wyatt said. “If the kids draw on the wall with crayon, play with his gas cans, or spill his beer, he’ll get after them with the belt.”

Shaker supervises Wyatt's boys.

Admittedly, this is similar to 2004’s “Cool Dad A Terrible Father,” which I was lukewarm on in my review, but I like the changes The Onion’s made here. That article felt too permissive of the father’s failings. That’s not the case here.

Sure, everyone is turning a blind eye to Shaker’s faults while setting a low bar — one kid notes how Shaker never hits his mom. But I like The Onion sells you on the “glass half-full” mindset, if only to avoid the darker truth.

A non-chewing bargoer sits next to a tobacco chewer in Wilmington, DE.

“Anti-Chewing-Tobacco Activists Speak Out Against Secondhand Spit” is fascinating for me to revisit 20 years later for 2 reasons:

1. Later in 2005, I started working at a newspaper with multiple prolific dippers. I felt like I was in a 1980s baseball dugout!

2. There’s a parallel today to Zyn and similar products, but it’s hard to see because these articles are based on 20th-century perceptions of tobacco products, the 1990s lawsuits and the subsequent secondhand-smoke movement.³

Look, this article is disgusting, just like the photo. But I love how The Onion commits to the bit. That said, it helps if you’re old enough to remember the decadeslong push to eliminate indoor smoking and other secondhand smoke risks. The Onion does a fine job repurposing the rhetoric around this issue:

“This isn’t the ’50s, when you would see TV commercials with lab-coat-wearing doctors spitting chewing tobacco right on the examination-room floor,” said activist Helen Pertwee of The Great American Tobacco Backwash, a citizens’ group dedicated to fighting the rising tide of secondhand tobacco spit in public places. “In this day and age, we are much more informed about the consequences of secondhand spit, and non-chewers are refusing to expose ourselves to it.”

The Great American Tobacco Backwash is a fantastic name for an advocacy group — or a band.

You might also remember “smoking” and “non-smoking” sections in restaurants. The Onion mocks those here, too:

“The spit affects the taste of the food,” MacGruder said. “The hazy, brown mist hanging in the air doesn’t stay in the chewing section—common sense can tell you that. Despite the image the old phrase conjures up, it’s not romantic to eat a meal in a ’spit-filled room.’”

Finally, The Onion quotes a dissenter who calls these anti-secondhand-spit activists a bunch of “PC Nazis.”

Other Area People items in this issue include:

• “Scientists Isolate Gene Simmons”: I’ve never understood his fame, but good for him?

• “Briefcase Full Of Porn”: The Onion’s porn jokes never imagined a digital future for the genre. I do like the photo. What a busy businessman!

• “Five Minutes Of Watching Indian Channel Leads To Five Hours Of Watching Indian Channel”: Zee TV still exists, although the soap opera “Tum Bin Jaaoon Kahaan” actually stopped airing March 3, 2005.⁴

• “Oysters Have No Discernible Effect On Date”: Another simple yet effective satire that most people can connect with, even superficially.

Were the infographics good?

Our 3rd infographic is “Being A Considerate Houseguest,” which is really more of a list of tips. I’ve often said that I appreciate these lists because even if you don’t like a few jokes, you’re bound to laugh at something.

My favorites here sound like badly translated hotel etiquette tips:

• “Don’t just act like a guest in someone’s house. Be a guest in someone’s house.”

• “It’s considered good form to replace any cats you drown.”

• “It’s customary to take a souvenir from your host’s home as a reminder of your wonderful stay.”

Also, I love how even in 2005, with iPods everywhere, The Onion fell back on “Say Anything”-style boomboxes:

Playing your host’s stereo at top volume after midnight is rude. Bring your own boombox.

What columnists ran?

“Getting Our Jollies” sees the return of Jean Teasdale, who recently ran into her father, saw him move into her house, and now is helping him launch his new business, Off-Season Santa. But despite this, Teasdale doesn’t consider herself one of “the working stiffs and stiffettes of the world.”

After all, what would you rather do: read legal briefs all day, or dress up in an elf costume and wave a colorful sign? Of course, you’d rather do the latter—me too! (Well, not that I was ever in danger of becoming a lawyer, but I still know which job I’d pick.)

It wouldn’t be a Jean Teasdale column without complications, including her dad’s inability to get a business loan (he’s floating the business with credit cards and Social Security!) and a “friend” of Jean’s who seems to be negging her like everyone else does:

“Girl, you look absolutely insane!” Fulgencio screamed. “And Santa in a little wheelchair! This is like the lowest ring of some kind of Christmas hell! It looks like a Christmas special jumped out of a television and vomited its guts out all over a tiny commercial space! Could I love it any more?” (Fulgencio has the weirdest way of giving compliments!)

Business is slow, although I’m rooting for Teasdale and her dad solely because hubby Rick is dismissive of the idea:

If I could make money playing Grand Theft Auto all day, I would. But face it, folks like us can’t make a living havin’ fun.”

Rick, just you wait till a thing called Twitch comes out!

Our other columnist is “You Won't Believe This, But I'm Actually On A Crowded Elevator Right Now,” which joins “Briefcase Full Of Porn” as jokes featuring a confident man on his cellphone!

There are so many little details, like Brad Harrison having “Ice, Ice Baby” as his ringtone or the way he starts this conversation:

Oh, hey David. No, it’s a fine time. Always got time for you, my man. Dave. How’s that lady I saw you with on Saturday? No shit. You’re something else, my friend. Really something.

Anyways, we learn Dave’s having lady troubles with pantsuit-wearing Tiffany, that he hates the lawyers who work in the building and crowd the elevators, and that he has a pastrami sandwich.

Read the whole thing. You’ll either laugh or be infuriated.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Pisces. What a cat!

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Despite its willingness to eat anything, sleep anywhere, and carry 200 pounds of equipment on its back, you have to admit there's something weird about your cat.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“History Sighs, Repeats Itself” is pretty timeless and can be used by almost anyone, anywhere.

What holds up worst?

Look, I’ve laughed every time I’ve glanced at “Briefcase Full Of Porn,” but maybe that’s because of how dated the premise is!

What would be done differently today?

The “Indian Channel” joke feels dated, although the joke construction is solid — you could swap out the descriptors for another channel, a YouTuber or Twitch streamer, etc.

There’s a lot of modern feel to this issue — politics, pop culture, commentary on trends, plus some Area People.

Thank you

Again, welcome to anyone who’s new, and thank you all for supporting this little hobby. Please like, comment or share! It helps me know whether I’m hitting the mark — and it helps Substack push this to new folks, too.

Next week, we’ll revisit terror alerts, Robert Redford, the final days of Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul II, and much more. See you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. The FDA approved nonprescription sales in 2006.

3. Which The Onion covered in 2002’s “The NYC Smoking Ban.”

4. Someone at The Onion consumed a lot of Bollywood-related content back then? I noted this also with December 2004’s “Bollywood Remake Of Fahrenheit 9/11 Criticizes Bush Administration Through Show-Stopping Musical Numbers.”