20 years ago, The Onion published my favorite article

"Stabble Stabble Stabble!" enters the lexicon, plus generational conflict, a war criminal, Bono and a dog.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 6, 2002.

I’ve been exhausted lately, but what gave me some energy in writing this newsletter was discussing my favorite Onion article ever (I told Substack this, so it’s canon now). I’ll try to explain why that is — or at least why this article is so well-written.

Plus, one addendum to last week’s issue, which talked about the 2002 story “Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Benefits At Shopper.”

I didn’t realize that last month (Feb. 25), The Onion ran the similar “Monsanto Investor Removes Wedding Ring Before Taking Meeting With Tall, Busty Celery.” Big thank-you to commenter EmilyPigeon for spotting that coincidence and sharing it.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 38, Issue 08, the 94th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 93rd issue of new content. There’s no record of the 2002 website on Internet Archive. We do have the website from 2012 and today.

Standard disclaimer: The old photos/images are mostly gone. I reproduce as many as I can each week.

The front-page headlines “Bicep Felt On Demand” and “Cloned Cat Neutered” are no longer online. The other 2 headlines don’t have photos today, but I’ve rescued them via Internet Archive:

“Shopper Takes Bizarre Journey Beyond Bed, Bath”

I love the wordplay, but Photoshopping standards were much lower 20 years ago.

“Pope Asks To Be Taken Off List Of World's 100 Richest People”

The pope here is John Paul II.

What’s this favorite story of yours?

Why do I love “McDonald's Drops 'Hammurderer' Character From Advertising” so much? Yes, I was 18 when this article published. But I still laughed hard when re-reading it for the newsletter.

If you’re not familiar, this story is about the McDonald’s advertising character The Hammurderer, “a mischievous, homicidal imp who kills McDonaldland characters and takes their sandwiches” and who has the signature catchphrase of “Stabble Stabble Stabble.”

Here are a few things I love about it, and hopefully these reasons also shine a light on The Onion’s genius:

The realistic feel covering up the absurdity underneath

It’s beautifully written like a real article from a newspaper or Advertising Age. DDB Needham was a real agency that worked with McDonald’s for decades, and most of the McDonaldland characters are real¹.

Even the fake McDonald’s executives who defend the early advertisements sound like bad corporate PR — you could see someone actually saying, “Well, Mayor McCheese does have an edible head, so …”

The article almost convinces you, “Wait, the Hamburglar is kind of a criminal, so maybe the Hammurderer isn’t that much of a leap.” I mean, I forgot that Captain Crook was a real McDonald’s character²!

The dichotomy of a character for children committing heinous, graphic crimes.

Sure, if there had been actual commercials during Saturday morning cartoons showing the Hammurderer garroting Birdie The Early Bird, that would be unconscionable. Likewise, we would be outraged if Happy Meals came with coloring books titled “Shivved In The McRibs.”

But for this article, good God. The horrific nature of this character is in perfect contrast to how we normally think of characters like Ronald McDonald or the Hamburglar. The Onion’s use of extremes extends to the McDonald’s executives, who are blasé about the whole thing:

"Whether we will remove him from commercials without explanation or write him out of the spots with a bloody police standoff, we have yet to decide. But we're confident the Hammurderer will be off the national radar by April."

The true nature of McDonald’s evil gets worse by the paragraph

The beginning of the story suggests the Hammurderer is “only” a killer. But we learn he’s a prison escapee, he eats multiple McDonaldland characters (is that cannibalism?) and his murders seem less about burgers and more about sociopathic violence.

Maybe you’re thinking, well, at least this is the worst (fictional) ad campaign McDonald’s ever had!

The Onion wisely waits until the last 2 paragraphs to up the ante. Only then it is revealed that McDonalds, in the 1980s, had even less redeemable characters — Shakes McJunkie and his replacement, The Machead. Both are addicted, one to shakes and the other to burgers, and will do anything to get a fix.

An entire article about these characters would be less funny — and probably really cruel. But as a “but wait, there’s more!” gimmick? Perfectly placed.

And the very last paragraph. It still jolts me, evoking a combination of laughter and horror:

The Hammurderer is quickly becoming regarded as the worst-received advertising mascot since Kool-Aid's 1989 discontinuation of "The Grapist," a huge purple monster who sodomizes thirsty children.

Politics, war and peace

Four shittily employed members of the American workforce.

“Bush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Shitty Jobs By 2003” requires a different skill set than the “Hammurderer” story. Both are written like news articles with twisted details, yes. But while the “Hammurderer” story is relatively timeless, stories like this must stick closer to the real-life news cycle.

In 2002, the US was just emerging from a recession, and the midterm elections were coming up. President George W. Bush, like many politicians, pledges to improve the lives of Americans and create jobs — except the jobs, the pay and the benefits are intentionally lousy.

"We have too many talented people wasting away on our unemployment rolls," Bush said. "And I say, if a broom-factory owner can give a man the opportunity to dunk handfuls of brittle, flammable straw into rank, filthy vats of molten tar for $6.15 an hour, then that broom-factory owner deserves a major tax break."

Bush’s plan is praised by Republicans, as well as business leaders in industrial waste removal and a “toxic-adhesive rat-trap division.” Sen. Russ Feingold, D-Wis., is against the plan, but even he offers a substandard alternative:

"Under this plan, we cannot guarantee people that their crap jobs will always provide them with healthcare from some shitty HMO."

20 years ago, The Onion focused on multiple international stories involving war, peace and prosecution. A few weeks ago, we saw The Onion make fun of Bono in this NSFW infographic. This time, Bono merits a whole infographic.

I really like the joke about an “earnest-off” with Bruce Springsteen,³ as well as the sarcastic jokes depicting Bono as Jesus.

And yes, that’s a real TIME magazine cover in which the murder of Daniel Pearl is not as important as a giant photo of Bono posing.

Other international stories:

• “U.N. Tribunal Swayed By Thousands Of Children's Letters To Milosevic” is a play on the famous scene from “Miracle On 34th Street” where all the letters to Santa are brought into court. Former Yugoslavia leader Slobodan Milosevic, being held for war crimes, is freed by the court, much like Kris Kringle was in the movie.

• The Onion also asked people on the street about “The Saudi Peace Plan” offered for Israel and Palestine. I do not remember this news story, and these jokes are mostly forgettable, too. I’m also confused by this joke, even after reviewing 2002’s Grammy winners. If anyone gets the reference, shout out in the comments, please:

"Wow, the Grammys and a Middle East peace plan, all in one week."

Bryan Brecht • Carpet Installer

Area People doing Area Things

Liman with a 1985 Corolla he is considering buying.

“Area Man Perpetually In Process Of Buying Or Selling Car” is a curious story about a guy who, between 1989 and March 2002, spent nearly $20,000 to buy and sell 11 used cars.

This feels an Onion writer knew someone who did this? If not, what a great imagination! This isn’t a laugh-out-loud article, but it’s a great slice of local life.

Old-time references here include Volvos that run on diesel, the Mercury car brand and station wagons. Plus, you might remember when newspaper classified ads and print coupon publications — “circulars” — were a big deal:

"Every six months or so, Don will spend a couple consecutive Thursdays in the office when the new ads come in, poring over every one of them," said Presser, who in 1999 purchased a car from Liman, a "squirrely" 1991 Volkswagen Golf that his wife drove for two years before selling it back to Liman last April.

Optometrist and gay icon Gene Podrewski.

“Denver Optometrist Not Sure Why He Has Gay Cult Following” is yet another quirky story in this week’s issue. The premise is that optometrist Gene Podrewski — who is not a performer, not famous and apparently not gay — has a national following of gay men.

This includes memorabilia sold with his likeness, performing impersonators, his face on album covers, cardboard cutouts of him in bars and multiple unauthorized biographies.

Two Podrewski impersonators pay tribute to their idol at a club in Provincetown, MA.

The other goofy part of this article is making it seem like Podrewski had lots of heartache and struggle. Here are some of his dark secrets:

“In 1992, less than a year after the birth of Lauren, he was hit with a devastating series of misfortunes: a prized heirloom mirror broken during a crosstown move, an ankle sprained while playing softball at a picnic, and a pet salamander dead before its time.”

I don’t really get this article, but that’s probably my failing. As a fun read without thinking too hard about any of it, it’s enjoyable. The Onion also does a great job showing how bewildered Podrewski is by the attention, including from celebrities.⁴

Other Area People stories this week:

• “Book-Club Meeting Degenerates Into Discussion Of Oscars” is a good high-brow/low-brow joke. The book is “A Bend In The Road” by Nicholas Sparks. This is about 6 weeks after “A Walk To Remember” opened in theaters but 2 years before “The Notebook,” both made from Sparks books.

• “Dog Chastised For Acting Like Dog” is a straightforward tale. This story would get more attention today considering every dog has multiple social media channels.

• “Area Man Plays 'Imagine' Every Time He Sees A Piano” feels, like the used-car story, as if The Onion knew someone who does this. I really like the last line: “Friends say the habit has persisted since Moreland was in the fifth grade, when he switched to ‘Imagine’ from the Jaws theme.”

• “Paleontology Class Winces Whenever Fundamentalist Kid Raises Hand” was a throwaway joke in 2002 but is prime culture-war stuff in 2022.

Were the infographics good?

Besides Bono, we have “Least-Appropriate Baby-Shower Games,” which has excellent hyphenation but not much else to recommend it.

What columnists ran?

Both columns this week are good “area life” commentary.

First, “Are You Coming To My Show Tonight?” is a long-winded, aggressive pitch by a guitarist trying to get his buddy to see his band at an out-of-the-way bar. I recently went to see a friend’s band and will do so again, but he did not sell me on the show like this.

This column has a consistent tone, and there’s lots of detail about these fictional bands. A few observations:

1. It’s very Wisconsin-focused, including the mention of Huber beer — one of America’s oldest brewers but perhaps not well-known everywhere.

2. The band’s name is … well, it’s a play on a certain word beginning with an R. I’ve written how this word was widely used in 2002, even by the biggest newspapers. This does not age well, even if the other band names are good.

3. This paragraph got a laugh from a source close to the newsletter:

“So, you gonna show up? I guarantee a good time. We've been working on this flash pot to go off during our cover of ‘Der Kommissar.’ It'll be awesome. We have a friend who was supposed to breathe fire, but he broke his leg trying to fix his bookcase, so he can't go. It'll still be great even without that, though.”

Our other column is a Point/Counterpoint, which is about generational rivalry. “Youth Is Wasted On The Young vs. Medication Is Wasted On The Old” starts off with an old person lamenting what they didn’t accomplish and not wanting the youth to repeat those mistakes. He’s also especially mad about his grandson spending money outfitting his car and otherwise wasting his time:

Just look at my grandson, Daniel. All he does is drive around in circles with his friends and listen to his bleep-bleep music. Doesn't he realize that while he wastes his time talking on the phone or sitting in front of the TV, his salad days are quickly slipping away?

The counterpoint is not from his grandson, but from a young woman named Brandi (the 2022 website doesn’t have the names, but you can see them here). All she wants is “a drug-soaked, hedonistic orgy,” not old people having their suffering slightly reduced by cool drugs.

The Onion is cavalier about some of these medications, in hindsight?

Just thinking about all the OxyContin that's wasted on old folks makes me weep. You think the elderly are crushing it up to get heroin-like highs the way me and my friends would? No way. They're taking it in pussy, doctor-recommended doses like the scared little babies they are.

What was the best horoscope?

In this week’s horoscopes, Libra has an extremely 2002 reference:

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Though you never intended to do so, you will soon trade your dignity for the guitar tablature to several Creed songs.

What holds up best?

I’m biased, but “McDonald's Drops 'Hammurderer' Character From Advertising” is a national treasure. It’s well-written, it mimics real news while being absurd, there’s a narrative and even a couple of surprises. Plus, that drawing of the Hammurderer is in the sweet spot of good, but not too good.

Condolences to the headline “Shopper Takes Bizarre Journey Beyond Bed, Bath,” which really deserved a full article.

What holds up worst?

“Least-Appropriate Baby-Shower Games” isn’t that funny, and it feels cruel now. There are a few phrasings and word choices scattered across a few articles that don’t age well, also.

What would be done differently today?

“Paleontology Class Winces Whenever Fundamentalist Kid Raises Hand” would exist but probably in a much different form. I don’t know what would happen with “Denver Optometrist Not Sure Why He Has Gay Cult Following.”

I hope the silliness of this week’s stories would find a place in 2022. After all, The Onion’s homepage today features “Historians Trace Catholic Practice Of Eating Fish On Fridays Back To Third-Century Long John Silver’s Promotion,” which would have fit in well 20 years ago.

The Milosevic joke’s descendant is The Onion’s coverage of Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, whose archive includes this: “Bruce Springsteen On Fence About Playing Assad’s Birthday Gig.”

Thank you

This was a long, long week, but writing this is a joy, and I hope you enjoy it as a respite from your week, too.

Next week, we get another preview of the Iraq War, a Bob Crane murder mystery and The Onion discovering the wonders of Botox. See you then!

1

McDonaldland was largely discontinued the year after this article published.

2

If that link is to be believed, Captain Crook was phased out by about 1990 and was only called “The Captain” from 1984 onward. Real-life McDonald’s was a little savvier.

3

Springsteen’s very earnest “The Rising” album came out in July 2002.

4

Including the mention of designer John Galliano, who years later not only faced criticism for anti-Semitic comments, but was convicted in French court.