20 years ago, The Onion mocked Matchbox Twenty
I listened to Matchbox Twenty to prepare for this newsletter. Plus, The Onion skewers terrorism fears, interventions, office lunches, Russell Crowe, The Ramones and more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Sept. 22, 2004.
Thanks for indulging my thoughts on The Onion’s special print issue for the Democratic National Convention, which I finally got in the mail this past week.
This week, we’re looking back at The Onion’s brutal attack on Matchbox Twenty, plus political commentary about Al-Qaeda and what passes for a political scandal.1
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 38, the 210th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page image is from the 2005 book “Embedded in America,”2 showcasing The Onion’s print work from late 2003 to late 2004.
The front-page headlines “Ramones Reunion Nearly Complete” and “Self Medicated” are no longer online. The Ramones headline reflects Johnny Ramone’s death on Sept. 16, 2004, and is similar to 2001’s “Ringo’s Next,” which published after George Harrison died.
“Self Medicated” continues The Onion’s tradition of 2-word headlines that act as complete sentences. Recent ones we’ve covered in this newsletter include “Understudy Overacting” (Oct. 29, 2003), “Pre-Nup Skimmed” (Nov. 19, 2023) and “Apology Screamed” (July 14, 2004).
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Matchbox Twenty Finally Finishes Watering Down Long-Awaited New Album” is the most interesting article to revisit 20 years later. It’s a beautiful skewering of Matchbox Twenty’s “unhip” status, yes, but also of an era of rock bands that were one-hit wonders or one-album wonders.3
IMO, the difference with Matchbox Twenty is that Rob Thomas is an unusually talented singer and songwriter. I read this article as The Onion mocking Thomas and Matchbox Twenty for funsies, but also for not maximizing their talent.
In this fictional universe, the album “Beige” is a deliberate choice:
“Our goal was to follow in the tradition of great multi-platinum artists like Elton John, Phil Collins, and the Dave Matthews Band—sales powerhouses who relied on the musical ignorance of their fans,” Thomas told reporters following Monday’s announcement.
…
“We wanted to give our fans exactly what they’ve come to expect: music so inoffensive and indistinct that it could be played virtually anywhere—a bank lobby, an SUV stuck in traffic, a party full of aging stockbrokers and their girlfriends.
This article is even better if you know that Matchbox Twenty felt their 2002 album was “the most rockin' record we've ever done”:4
“Some were disappointed with the relatively limited reception to Matchbox Twenty’s 2002 release More Than You Think You Are,” Rolling Stone contributing editor Nathan Brackett5 said. “That album proved what record executives have known for years: It’s actually very difficult to record a rock record that has no rock in it at all. But with this new release, Matchbox Twenty has really delivered on its signature non-sound.”
A few fun facts:
Matchbox Twenty went on hiatus in mid-2004 and has only released 2 albums since (2012 and 2023).
The Onion occasionally joked about “Smooth,” including 2009’s “1999 Collaboration Between Carlos Santana, Rob Thomas Somehow Standing Test Of Time”6 and the 2013 video “Santana And Rob Thomas' 'Smooth' Sweeps Grammy Awards For 13th Year In A Row.”
Thomas loves The Onion! From a 2017 interview:
“The Onion has skewered me, but they're so good at it, you've just gotta love it. They had a great one on Matchbox Twenty one year, where they said, 'Matchbox Twenty has just finished watering down their new album, Beige.'"
Good for Rob Thomas!
The actual top story was “Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks On Upcoming Al-Qaeda Convention,” which is a very 2000s story about Al-Qaeda, the recent nominating conventions and the already politicized discourse around terror alerts.
The al-Qaeda International Convention in Afghanistan might be a gathering of “freedom-haters who have always stood for the disruption and overthrow of the West.” Still, they share the same security concerns as American leaders:
“We’ll be employing some of the best and newest technology available,” al-Hamada said. “This includes hundreds of top-of-the-line closed-circuit cameras, Lifeguard handheld metal detectors, and armored plates to line VIP sections of the caves. We’ve also kidnapped some of the top minds in security and counter-terrorism, and our clerics are currently grilling them for tips.”
Added al-Hamada: “In addition, we will not allow women at the convention, as they are deceivers who cannot be trusted.”
This article relies heavily on stereotypes, although it’s well-written, and I like seeing the logic of terrorism-dependent philosophies turned against them.
If you thought Sen. Zell Miller betrayed Democrats by endorsing Bush, well:
The al-Qaeda International Convention will open Friday with a keynote speech from Zell Miller, the Democratic senator from Georgia who raised hackles by throwing his support behind al-Qaeda during this year’s election.
The Onion and politics
“The Bush Family Biography” is about the Kitty Kelley tell-all book. This book was a big deal at the time, but it’s largely forgotten. The line about President George W. Bush doing cocaine at Camp David is based on the book (and other jokes probably are, too).
My favorite joke 20 years later is this:7
“George Sr.’s real favorite philosopher is Thales, but he knew the pre-Socratics wouldn’t fly in the swing states.”
The other big political controversy in September 2004 was around Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry’s Vietnam service. You had the “Swift Boat” attack ads, debates over Kerry’s 1971 congressional testimony and much more. But unfortunately, “Congressional Candidate Forced To Explain Controversial 1971 'Fuck Everything' Remark” feels pretty tame today, even though I like the headline.
In 2024, our political scandals have evolved so far beyond cursing. Just this week, there were 3(!) different scandals involving politicians’ sexual proclivities, all of which were weirder than this Onion story.
But even for 2004, this article confuses me. Rather than a nationally known politician, it focuses on an obscure real-life congressman— Rep. Vic Snyder (D-Ark.). Maybe I’m overthinking it and should just enjoy the headline.
Other political items include:
“Bush Introduces New Timmy Blanchard Left Behind Act”: This joke hit a lot harder during the early years of No Child Left Behind.
“Antidepressant Use In Children”: The FDA in September 2004 warned about an increased risk of suicide in children taking antidepressants. Unfortunately, some of these responses are truncated on today’s website — this 2014 archive has the full version. My favorite response:
“As a despised father, I believe suicide is just a smokescreen for America’s real problem—patricide.”
Russell Bigelow • Broker
Area People doing Area Things
“Intervention Wrapped Up Before Kickoff” is surprisingly positive — these friends do actually confront Drew Sorenson about his drinking problem (including on-the-job drinking) and get to watch the big game between the St. Louis Rams and Atlanta Falcons.
I’m not saying Sorenson’s friends stage a model intervention, but they try. They pick a neutral space, pick up Sorenson early so he can’t drink beforehand, and try to make the environment seem ordinary so he isn’t spooked. They even sacrifice homemade dip:
“I suggested that maybe we should pick Drew up a little later, so he’d have enough time to make his onion dip, but Chris said we had to be strong,” Pitts said. “At first, I argued, but then Chris pointed out that we didn’t have any time to waste if we were going to confront Drew, give him time to open up to us, and work out a tenable plan for his recovery before the coin toss.”
“So I bought some dip,” Pitts added.
The intervention is heartfelt, even if they’re trying to watch the pregame show simultaneously. It’s touch and go for a while:
“At one point, Drew accused Chris of abusing painkillers and said I cheated in last year’s Super Bowl pool,” Baker said. “It got really tense. Everyone realized kickoff was only 25 minutes away and there was no resolution in sight.”
Eventually, however, Sorenson agrees to get help. Should they have waited until after the game to get him to a rehab facility? Maybe not.
A couple of notes:
The Rams did play the Falcons on Sept. 19, 2004, losing 34-17. The Falcons also defeated the Rams in the playoffs.
The photo of kicker Jeff Wilkins is from a 2002 game against the San Diego Chargers.
Sorenson mentions checking in to Lakeside Center. That’s a semi-fictional reference — there was a since-closed youth residential treatment center near St. Louis by that name.
“Money Thrown At Lunch Problem” is a classic Onion tactic of changing 1-2 words and completely reorienting a story. “Throwing money at the problem” is a well-known business cliche. Except, the “problem” is usually bigger than ordering lunch!
These guys are really overthinking it:
“Even though a seriously reasoned approach could have yielded huge dividends in both efficiency and deliciousness, everyone settled on a quick fix to the need for a midday meal,” Leverenz said. “If the team had really put their heads together, I have no doubt that they could have developed an approach that more effectively addressed each individual’s specific needs. Is it really commercially viable to order delivery of 20 subs with cheese for 19 staffers, three of whom are lactose-intolerant?”
The subs took too long to arrive and were soggy.
This article has so many great corporate phrases, each twisted to focus on this lunch problem:
“a laissez faire lunch attitude.”
“Corporate dining is spectacularly inefficient, and sharks feed on inefficiency.”
“If the fresh market is not involved, people have no incentive to participate.”
The Onion’s workplace stories are tremendously underrated. So much has changed about work in the past 20 years, but this one still feels relevant.
The Sept. 22, 2004, issue had several clever Area People jokes. These include:
“Apparently Fire Marshal Wasn't Just Being A Dick”: Such a good joke, especially since it’s a fictional tragedy.
“Plastic Surgeon Has Leathery Wife”: Another good one-liner, and funnier without an entire article, I think.
“Ducks Only Interested In Man's Bread”: I love this. A great kicker, too:
Wilson said he has not felt so rejected since the “squirrel and peanuts incident” last year.
“New Homeowner Suddenly Fascinated By Molding”: I’m a renter who’s never thought about molding. In this article, a friend wishes “he’d shut up about wall niches and go back to Stargate.”
“Crush Lasts Entire Bus Ride”: The crush is reading Fyodor Dostoevsky’s “The Idiot.” This is a happier version of 2003’s “Change In Bus Seats Taken Personally.”
Were the infographics good?
“What Role Is Russell Crowe Considering?” has had a misspelled text headline since at least 2014, but the infographic itself spells “Russell” correctly.
Crowe appeared in no movies in 2004. However, he was in the news that August for fighting his bodyguard.
I would watch him play “Hero scientist Louis Pasteur” or take over for Vin Diesel in the “Fast & Furious” franchise. “Screaming man, any” is also good.
What columnists ran?
“I Was Almost Back In The Saddle Again” revisits local columnist Jim Anchower, who we last saw loving life on worker’s comp. This bliss is interrupted when Anchower runs out of food and can’t get his friends to help.
What do you do when you’re on crutches and need food? Well, if you’re Anchower, you load up on Miller Genuine Draft and microwaveable burritos. But, as is typical of Anchower, something goes wrong:
It was harder than I thought, using crutches with a backpack on my shoulders. Halfway home, I had to stop a while and rest. I guess sitting around waiting for a broken leg to heal takes a lot out of you. When I was just about a block away from home, the zipper on my backpack broke. The 12-pack hit the ground, and cans went rolling everywhere. One of them busted and took off like a racecar, spraying beer all over the damn place.
It gets worse. Anchower loses a handful of beers and burritos to local kids, then gets a skin infection and tries to rip off the cast himself. Fortunately, he gets proper medical attention, although it drains all his cash.
Earlier, we talked about interventions that went well. “Well, That's The Last Heart-To-Heart I'm Ever Having With Janet” is about one that didn’t go well.
I understand why Ellen Henderson of the Ladies Lutheran League Auxiliary is frustrated. Her relationship is one-sided, with Janet constantly complaining about her broken family, illnesses, bills, etc. But Henderson become rather callous:
That first time, I listened and gave her whatever comfort I could. But now, after the umpteenth time, I’m through with Janet and her constant soul-baring. So, your ex-husband’s an alcoholic who still calls to threaten you in the middle of the night? Sooner or later, you’ve got to stop living in the past. I’ve heard the “getting chased down with the station wagon” story enough times I can recite it. I got the point, thank you very much. I got it a long time ago.
Janet needs a wider support circle. Especially because Henderson is bad-mouthing her to other church ladies — and edging into sacrilegious territory:
This whole Christian duty of being lovingly openhearted and unconditionally available to someone’s desperate emotional vulnerability is really boring.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Aries because I want to know more about this “cardboard cubist” movement.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You're getting tired of living out of boxes, but if you stop now, you'll damage your reputation as the patron saint of the cardboard cubist lifestyle.
Once again, the 2024 website doesn’t label which horoscope is which, but this 2005 archive does.
What holds up best?
“Matchbox Twenty Finally Finishes Watering Down Long-Awaited New Album” has never been disproven. And Rob Thomas appreciates it, so who are we to complain?
I am delighted to rediscover timeless headlines like “Ducks Only Interested In Man's Bread” and “Crush Lasts Entire Bus Ride.”
What holds up worst?
The Bush infographic is interesting as a look at American political gossip in September 2004, but less so as satire.
What would be done differently today?
There are 2 horoscopes that intrigue me because I wonder how The Onion would play them today:
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
You'll soon learn the important legal and semantic differences between the phrases "folksingers should just die" and "it'd sure be nice if someone slaughtered all the folksingers."
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Hey, it's not your fault if the others around the office don't find your horrifyingly racist sense of humor funny.
Both dance around free speech limits, which is an evergreen topic. But I think social media has greatly changed the debate. In 2004, these arguments could often be theoretical or overly focused on things like flag burning or questioning the War on Terror. In 2024, The Onion could certainly do something different and modern with these topics.
Also, I think The Onion should just re-run that Russell Crowe infographic. It still works!
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others! It’s a long read, but I hope it’s helping y’all reconnect with some favorite jokes and discover new joys.
See you next week!
In the last issue, I previewed the Sept. 29, 2004, issue by mistake! Apologies, and I’ve updated the archive.
I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.
I’d include such acts as Hootie & the Blowfish, Live, Fastball and Semisonic in this list. The YouTuber Todd In The Shadows offers the definitive skewering of Hootie’s album “Fairweather Johnson.”
I listened to “More Than You Think You Are” while writing this — it’s professional but forgettable, although “Unwell” is a very good pop-rock radio single.
A real-life music critic whose name also appears in 1997’s “U.S. Techno-Industrial Base Eroding Due To Foreign Competition.”
The 20th anniversary of “Smooth” brought some excellent recollections, including this Esquire oral history in which Santana says, in all seriousness, that “Smooth” is as important for human life as “air, water and sex.”
It’s in the vein of 2001’s “Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works,” an article with its own backstory that I covered in 2021.
We occasionally cited Rolling Stone's Nathan Brackett because many of us worked with him when he was arts editor at UW-Madison's Daily Cardinal in the early ’90s. Any excuse to shout out an old pal!
The intervention article is well observed, especially muting the pregame show & concern about inferior tv screen size. Glad it didn’t have a grim twist.