20 years ago, The Onion had opinions on female athletes

The Onion reinvents Dick Cheney as Jason Voorhees, calls shotgun, talks about college sex columnists, dogs in purses, Cinemax and much more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Sept. 15, 2004.

I got an email from The Onion saying the latest print issue should arrive in my mailbox any day. I never imagined this possibility when I started this newsletter, but I’m very happy about it.

Also, a reminder that you can join me in preordering Christine Wenc’s “Funny Because It's True: How The Onion Created Modern American News Satire” ahead of its March 2025 release (Amazon | Bookshop).¹ In this new era for The Onion, there’s no better time to revisit its beginnings.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 40, Issue 37, the 209th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.

The front-page image is from the 2005 book “Embedded in America,” showcasing The Onion’s print work from late 2003 to late 2004.

The front-page headlines “Spokesperson Wearing Lab Coat For Some Reason” and “Juice Enjoyed By SEPT22” are no longer online. I prefer to read the juice headline as September 2022 rather than Sept. 22, 2004.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Camp Crystal Lake, the site of many recent as-yet-unsolved murders.

During President George W. Bush’s 1st term, The Onion invented an alternate reality for top officials that resembled Universal’s doomed Dark Universe:

• Attorney General John Ashcroft became a werewolf and Frankenstein’s monster on separate occasions.

• “Giant Girl Forces Playthings Cheney And Rumsfeld To Wed” imagined a little girl as a gigantic puppetmaster.

On Sept. 15, 2004, “Cheney Returns To Camp Crystal Lake” embraces the “Friday the 13th” film series and the fictional camp that’s appeared in at least 11 official films. The difference? Jason Vorhees has been replaced with Vice President Dick Cheney.

I’m not a horror person, and I’ve never seen these movies. So tell me in the comments what The Onion got wrong (or what they really got right).

Left: Cheney's glasses, as found in the woods near Camp Crystal Lake. Right: Cheney.

A few notes:

• Cheney committed numerous murders on a cruise ship off of Manhattan Island, a la “Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan.”

• “More recently, Cheney’s mother slaughtered nine people under the guise of her son before she was finally slain” references the 1st movie, in which Jason’s mother is the killer.

• There’s a reference to a copycat killer angered at the death of his brother. This is a play on “Friday the 13th: A New Beginning,” where Roy Burns turns to murder after the death of his son.²

The Onion interviews Camp Crystal Lake staffers and local law enforcement, all of whom are found dead shortly after.

Anderson Cooper also weighs in:

“Cheney is an unstoppable killing machine,” CNN’s Anderson Cooper said via telephone. “He has been burned, stabbed, slashed, hacked, bludgeoned, and shot, only to get back up and continue his rampage. But when the town’s self-absorbed teens try to explain that something is wrong, very wrong, their calls for help fall on deaf ears. There needs to be some accountability on the part of—oh, God! He’s here!”

Cooper, who then dropped the telephone, has not been heard from since.

In defending Cheney, Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan references 2003’s “Freddy vs. Jason,” in which Donald Rumsfeld is Freddy Krueger:

He also denied rumors that Cheney has turned on Donald Rumsfeld after assisting him with a string of murders on Elm Street, and he strenuously insisted that the two high-ranking government officials will not fight to the death.

I’m always impressed at how easy The Onion makes this type of satire look.

Meanwhile, The Onion continued to cover the 2004 presidential campaign, notably via a short article titled “Kerry Vows To Raise Wife's Taxes” that reminds us of Teresa Heinz Kerry’s billionaire status:

"My spouse has benefited long enough from tax cuts," Kerry said. "If Congress increased her taxes by 15 percent, this country would have millions of dollars to use to create new jobs and explore alternative energy sources."

“Alternative energy sources” was a common Kerry phrase in the 2004 campaign, including this May 2004 speech.

Other political topics include:

• “Recreational-Abortion Enthusiasts Applaud Repeal Of Partial-Birth Ban”: The rare headline with 2 hyphenated phrases!³ Federal courts in 2004 had nullified the 2003 law, but the Supreme Court upheld it a few years later.

• “Assault-Weapons Ban Expires”: Another law with big consequences for the country. The Onion asked people on the street for their opinions. Here’s my favorite — an early version of the “Boomers ruined everything” theory:

  “When we enacted this ban in 1994, it was an important step to protect our children. Now that our children are grown up and off at college, it’s not such a pressing issue.”

  Liza Redding • Secretary

Area People doing Area Things

Rescuers attempt to free Rybicki (inset).

“Trapped Miner Wishes He Could See The Coverage” published during 2004, which ironically was a record low for U.S. coal mining deaths. Obviously, 51 deaths is not an insignificant number!

Kevin Rybicki is a Pennsylvania coal miner trapped 340 feet below ground, and the only one of 32 miners who wasn’t quickly rescued. This is a harrowing tale: Rybicki can hear the rescuers working, apparently without success.

Meanwhile, The Onion intersperses Rybicki’s self-talk about media coverage with reports of the actual media coverage:

Shortly thereafter, MSNBC aired an interview with a Western Pennsylvania spokesman who described the friable, shifting rock under which Rybicki was trapped. The story marked Rybicki’s national-television debut and included a group photo of Rybicki and several other miners.

“You know what I hope?” Rybicki said Sunday afternoon, angling his face toward the 20-inch pocket of air at the top of the nearly flooded four-foot-high tunnel in which he was trapped. “I hope they use that picture of me hitting that two-run homer in the softball game last year. Or better yet, one of me and my kids. Clay and Becky would love to see their faces on television.”

Added Rybicki: “I’d love to see their faces again, too. Or hear their voices.”

Rybicki is the 3rd generation in his family to be involved in a mining accident, according to “Good Morning America.”

The article ends without a resolution, although it’s hard to imagine Rybicki surviving.

A couple notes:

• The story is set in McIntyre, Pa., which is both an unincorporated community and a township where a coal-mining company operated from 1870-86.

• The fictional coal company (Western Pennsylvania Mining Corporation) and the local newspaper (Western Pennsylvania News-Leader) are surprisingly generic.

Maria Sharapova.

“Female Athletes Making Great Strides In Attractiveness” feels dated today, even as we’re still grappling as a culture with how we discuss female athletes. Being dated isn’t bad, however; it’s a natural consequence of societal changes and the growth of women’s sports.

The late 1990s through mid-2000s brought a new awareness and appreciation of women’s sports, both at the Olympic level and in the birth of numerous women’s professional leagues. But this was also the heyday of Maxim and FHM, the rise of internet sites like WWTDD and the mainstream revival of Playboy (including the reality show “The Girls Next Door”).

The Onion recognized this dichotomy, quoting ESPN the Magazine editor-in-chief/co-founder Gary Hoenig:

“Female players are finally being recognized by a larger audience—they’re getting larger photos in the newspapers, appearing on talk shows, and taking the covers of magazines like Maxim and Playboy,” Hoenig said. “As these ladies get prettier, that exposure will only grow.”

Koenig also comments on the physical attractiveness and fashion sense of Serena Williams, softball pitcher Jennie Finch, pole vaulter Mary Sauer and swimmer Haley Cope.

(One thing I haven’t figured out is how The Onion decided whether to quote a real person or invent someone. Koenig comes off like an asshole here, which feels unfair unless he said or did something I’m not aware of.)

Anyways, the photos here are important to the joke. First is 2004 Wimbledon champion Maria Sharapova. In 2004, she was billed as an improved version of Anna Kournikova, as she had the same model looks but was taller and actually won tournaments.⁴

On the other hand, Sharapova turned 17 years old in April 2004.

U.S. Olympic high jumper Amy Acuff.

The other photo is of Amy Acuff, a 5-time Olympian who competed at the highest levels for 20 years and was not a teenager. She modeled regularly, including the September 2004 Playboy cover above.

My favorite part of the Playboy cover is the callouts of Arthur Schlesinger Jr. and “the Google guys.”

The Onion mocks American culture for sexualizing female athletes, but it’s not exactly trying to solve the problem. After all, when’s the last time I’ve covered women’s sports in this newsletter?

The 2nd half of the article quotes a fictional author, Frank Borne, who has some … interesting marketing ideas:

“A lot of athletes find themselves hamstrung by the rules of their own teams,” Borne said. “It wouldn’t hurt the WNBA to come up with sexier team outfits. Do you realize how much their audience would broaden if more of these girls were allowed some time off to model on the side? Tastefully done semi-nude photo shoots bring a lot of attention to the players and the sports they play.”

Added Borne: “Isn’t that what any athlete really wants—to bring her sport and team more glory? I think it is.”

Gilchrist on the campus she feels could benefit from her wisdom.

“College Sophomore Thinks She Would Make A Good Sex Columnist” has its basis in the most important quality of a sex columnist: The self-confidence to believe you’re such a sex expert that your peers should seek your advice.

The Onion is parodying the discourse around sex columns as much as the columns themselves. A quick Google search reveals ruminations on college sex-column writing from 2022 (Cornell), 2014 (University of North Florida) and 2010 (Dan Savage and the CEO of Technical.ly).

In The Onion’s universe, Lisbet “Lizzie” Gilchrist is a Penn State sophomore who’s merely thinking of being a sex columnist:

“Whenever I read a sex column in a magazine or newspaper, I always think, ’I could totally write this,’” said Gilchrist, a 19-year-old undeclared major. “I’m always giving advice to my friends about what kind of condoms to get, or whether you should use lube or not. I’m not afraid to discuss things other people are too embarrassed to talk about.”

Although she isn’t old enough to drink alcohol, Gilchrist can identify the major kinds of sex toys, knows what “frottage” is, and understands the subtleties of bringing herself to climax.

Gilchrist disses Penn State’s current sex columnist and brags about her own exploits, such as making out once with another woman at a college party. My favorite part, then and now, is how Gilchrist’s friends find her to be annoying and pushy with her sex talk.

I was in college when this published and didn’t feel like it quite nailed the tone. But I still found it funny.

Other Area People items include:

• “Experimental Band Theoretically Good”: I’ve seen this type of band!

• “Tiny Dog Suffocates In Louis Vuitton Bag”: I love that you have to imagine the dog.

• “Cinemax Director Wins Award For Skinematography”: Hopefully, today’s young people don’t understand this reference.⁵ Most of the names are fictional, except for Zalman King.

• “Petulant 12-Year-Old Refuses To Brown The Ground Chuck”: Incredible use of vocabulary here.

• “Letter Of Recommendation Reused For Eighth Intern”: The cruel twist is that the lawyer mistyped her phone number in every recommendation letter.

Were the infographics good?

“Hurricane Preparedness” is a timeless topic, and the jokes are fine. My favorite is “Listen to your local radio station for weather updates and potential REO Speedwagon broadcasts.” It sounds like a Jim Anchower line that was cut because, well, Wisconsin doesn’t get hurricanes.

I also liked the mention of “Grade 15 stormscreen.”

“Least Popular Appetizers” is a solid front-page infographic, cramming many jokes into a small space.

“Schenectady wings” cracks me up, especially as I used to visit family there as a kid.⁶ “Carrot sticks,” meanwhile, is accurate.

What columnists ran?

“I Feel I Have Earned The Right To Not Have To Call 'Shotgun’” features Dan Viesel confronting his friend Jeff, who has called “shotgun.” Dan is offended and affronted:

Each of us has a role in Rick’s car. Rick is the driver. What he says goes. However, as he is occupied with the top duty—getting us safely to our destination—he leaves me to handle certain details, such as the radio station and garbage control. I am Rick’s second man, his cardinal advisor, if you will. I can’t even guess the number of times I have alerted him to the presence of bacon on the side.

Dan mocks Jeff, Justin and Will for being too busy quoting “Aqua Teen Hunger Force,” among other activities that leave them unqualified for shotgun responsibilities.

Dan is way too worked up about this and seems like a jerk. But I love how detailed and personal his insults are:

That funny, Will, you pussy? You heard me. You are a pussy with the radio dial. This is you: “Guys, what’s a good station?” It takes a man to decide what his friends are going to listen to—a man of action, and you have shown, several times, that you’re not a man of action. No pussy will ride wing for Rick as long as I’m saving for my brother’s Honda.

Damn.

Our other column is a Point/Counterpoint titled “I Wish My Life Was Better vs. Do You Wish Your Life Was Better?” which was titled “Personal Fulfillment” on The Onion’s 2004 homepage.

Carl Schmidt laments the state of his life — he’s in a rut, unhappy with his furniture and apartment, unfulfilled by being a 42-year-old taxi dispatcher, and knows he’s bad at personal relationships but unsure how to change.

Thankfully, infomercial whiz/possible scam artist Paul Bernoglio is here to help with his “patented Total Forward Thinking program”!

Total Forward Thinking completely changed my life. I still use the exercises outlined in my book, even though I have a successful career, a supermodel wife, and beautiful twin baby girls. I won’t stop ’til the day I die, because Total Forward Thinking is a lifelong process. Things keep getting better, and they will for you, too—just as soon as you order Total Forward Thinking: The Plan. The book has everything you need to send your life in a wonderful new direction. You have my guarantee.

This is a simple joke, but very well done. And unfortunately, self-help gurus remain a predatory force in our society.

Also, great job by The Onion restoring the headshots and names for these columns. This website redesign looks great, and that takes a ton of work. I appreciate the effort and diligence.

What was the best horoscope?

With apologies to chef Gerard Pangaud and a football joke, my favorite horoscope this week is Taurus:

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)

It'll be months before you're allowed to show your face at the club again, after you get into a fistfight with the steward over the greatest living coloratura.

The horoscopes aren’t labeled on the current website, but you can see them on the 2004 version.

What holds up best?

The front-page headline “Tiny Dog Suffocates In Louis Vuitton Bag” holds up, even if the bag is probably a knockoff.

What holds up worst?

I’m reluctantly giving this to “Cinemax Director Wins Award For Skinematography,” not because the joke didn’t work in 2004 but because there’s been seismic shifts in TV, premium cable and whatever would be considered softcore pornography. I mean, “50 Shades of Grey” disrupted Cinemax over a decade ago!

What would be done differently today?

The Onion breezes through the 2004 presidential campaign, the court fight over partial-birth abortion and the expiration of the assault-rifle ban — all of which had monumental impacts on our society. I suspect they’d approach these issues differently today.

“Female Athletes Making Great Strides In Attractiveness” is a great example of an article that would be different today but where the core idea remains relevant. The April 2024 piece “Female Athletes React To Nike’s Revealing Olympic Uniforms” is a relevant example.

Thank you

Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others! Y’all are helping this newsletter grow and reach new fans, and it helps me on those weeks where writing is more of a struggle.

See you next week!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including these.

2. The franchise allegedly inspired at least one real-life murder during the 1980s.

3. A Republican candidate in a Georgia congressional primary used the phrase “recreational abortion” this spring. He did not win the nomination.

4. Kournikova famously never won a professional singles tournament, although she won grand slams in doubles.

5. So many Cinemax/Skinemax references in the 1990s and 2000s. Bill Simmons was notorious for this a go-to joke.

6. A blog actually reviewed the wings at several Schenectady, N.Y., restaurants in 2016.