20 years ago, The Onion mocked Bill Maher
The Onion discusses obesity, the serial killer serial killer, The Hulk asking for a sequel and ringtones. Plus, random references to James Comey and Neil Gaiman.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit July 14, 2004.
Few Onion stories stick in my head as much as “Bill Maher Spends All Night Arguing With Republican Hooker.” But so much has changed since 2004 about Maher’s reputation and what’s considered edgy in politics and comedy. So, we’ll see how this holds up!
Plus, I’ve apparently reviewed 200(!) issues of The Onion! I’m thrilled and slightly terrified to hit this milestone. Thanks for being here with me.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 28, the 200th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headlines “Nation’s Highways Completed”1 and “Apology Screamed” are no longer online. Both are good jokes!
“Apology Screamed” would be a great T-shirt, if any Onion commerce employees are reading. (Editor’s note: Somehow I missed this shirt is for sale!)
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Series Of Serial-Killer Killings Rocks Serial-Killer Community” is a fascinating article because it fits in so well with today’s societal obsession with true crime2 and murder in particular.
But you don’t have to be a murder aficionado to understand that The Onion is satirizing the media’s portrayal of serial killers, among other tropes. For example, almost all of these killers-turned-victims have a nickname, whether it’s the simple "Crazy" Leo Krafchek or the elaborate Henry "The Wrigleyville Stabber" Fisk. You might even have 2 nicknames if you’re "Mad" Morris Lauch, The Butcher Of Bakersfield.
And if you don’t have a nickname? Well, obviously, you must be referred to by your first, middle and last name, i.e. Otis Glen Ankrim.
These serial killers are finally feeling the fear usually reserved for their victims:
"I can't bear this tension," said Joseph Cash Mason, dubbed "Pickaxe Pete" by the media. "I can't leave the house to kidnap a hitchhiker without wondering if I'm next. When I chain someone to the wall in my backwoods shack and torture him, I feel no pleasure, only fear for my own life. When will this madness end?"
I love this police chalk outline. Krafchek's specialty was “nun killing,” according to Chainsaw Chuck.
The surviving serial killers are becoming suspicious of each other. And the FBI’s only lead is the killer’s terrible spelling:
"Sereal [sic] killers beware," the note read in part. "The time of judgment is upon you, so make your peace and prepare for your horror. Your [sic] going to die. The lies have to end now."
The Onion does a great job describing these serial killers, their calling cards (such as “stabbing elderly people”) and their fraternity, the Knights Of Serial Killing.
I also like how these serial killers suddenly care about victim advocacy. As Slaughtering Gary says:
Where's the outcry now that I'm the target? Who's watching out for me?"
One final note: The top photo shows 6 killers, with some racial diversity and one woman to five men. This is a relatively accurate spread, according to a 2014 book excerpt!
Um, this Bill Maher story
This is the rare Onion issue that doesn’t directly cover the 2004 election or the Iraq War. Instead, The Onion gave us “Bill Maher Spends All Night Arguing With Republican Hooker,” a shockingly accessible story 20 years later.
There are several things to address here. Let’s start with the context of July 2004:
Maher was reasonably sympathetic as a free-speech champion, as ABC canceled the 1st iteration of his show in 2002, largely because of his post-9/11 remarks.
The Onion did some … interesting Photoshopping on this image. On the left is The Onion’s version. On the right is the original photo from 2003 featuring Coco Johnson, a soon-to-be ex-girlfriend who unsuccessfully sued him in November 2004:
I’m curious what folks think (especially photographers/designers). Is there an ethical issue here?3 This is the perfect photo of Maher being smarmy as hell. But I didn’t expect The Onion to use Photoshop to change races — nor did I think they were good enough at Photoshop in 2004 to do this.
In 2024, we also know a few other things about Bill Maher, whether you love or hate him:
Maher seems like he’s an asshole, and definitely smarmy. Just look at his smirk in the photo! As Conan O’Brien recently (jokingly?) described him, he’s a sociopath who made the leap to psychopath.
Maher has a public history involving sex workers — and people (including Wayne Brady?!?) use that against him.
Finally, it’s worth noting I haven’t watched or listened to Maher in a long time. Probably 20 years! My sole interaction is the online discourse whenever he says something controversial.
All that said, I still enjoy this article decades later. The Onion is vicious, which is good if you dislike Maher. But importantly, The Onion gets Maher’s tone and voice. This sounds enough like him that you believe his only 2 interests are sex with prostitutes and arguing about politics!
This is a very NSFW article, so I’ll share one excerpt, lest this newsletter get spam-filtered to hell:
"Two weeks ago, Kerry said that preventing nuclear terrorism would be his highest priority as president," Maher said, a rivulet of semen trickling down his right leg. "Given that statement, you'd expect Kerry to have a broad, ambitious agenda on nuclear non-proliferation, wouldn't you? Well, I'm sorry, Carolyn, but you'd be 100 percent wrong."
Added Maher: "Interesting, isn't it, that not one American president has made the halt of our nuclear-weapons program a priority?"
While there was no Iraq War coverage, there was one other geopolitical item, the “What Do You Think?” feature, “Does Iran Pose A Threat?” I have no recollection of this June 2004 international incident where Iran seized British sailors for a few days.4
The Onion asks Americans about the Iranian threat; these are all pretty funny answers. This one’s my favorite, although Flock Of Seagulls must really be struggling if this guy’s also a cook!
"As the manager of the long-forgotten '80s sensation A Flock Of Seagulls, this can only be good for me."
Alfredo Mireles • Cook
The Onion criticizes big institutions
In 2024, The Onion, running full-length stories criticizing scientists and higher education, would probably be viewed as an ideological betrayal. But in 2004, I suspect this was just business as usual.
“Report: Scientists Still Seeking Cure For Obesity” has been made obsolete by Ozempic, I guess? Consider this passage, which is basically about GLP-1s:
"It would be wonderful if we could find some way to prevent individuals from getting this horrible condition in the first place, perhaps with something akin to a vaccine or a flu shot," Kim said. "We've pursued every avenue—pills, topical creams, nutritional shakes, even holistic cures like vitamin regimens and massage—but nothing has worked."
The weird thing with this story is seeing The Onion pull its punches. It’s sort of mocking fat people for not exercising and eating better. It’s sort of mocking Big Pharma and scientists for … researching the issue? But I don’t sense the commitment to the bit in either direction.
The science critique makes some sense. This article was published only a few years after the scandals with fen-phen and other weight-loss drugs.
Maybe I’m just not getting the joke. Paragraphs like this don’t feel like satire at all:
"Even when individuals find success with a certain drug or plan, it often fails to work in the long term," Kim said. "Sometimes, a treatment plan that works for a handful of people will fail to help anyone else. It's very frustrating. As evinced by the widespread nature of the problem, scientists aren't doing enough for these poor overweight people."
Please correct me in the comments! Or read the superior “6,000 Runners Fail To Discover Cure For Breast Cancer” from 2001.
“University Implicated In Checks-For-Degrees Scheme” sees the Department of Justice investigate the University of Michigan’s alleged bribery scheme, i.e., charging students to earn semi-useless degrees.
And hey, our old friend James Comey is back after dying in May 2004’s “Lone Wolf Ashcroft Given Rookie Partner”:
"We have strong evidence that the University of Michigan granted academic degrees to students in exchange for hefty payments, often totaling tens of thousands of dollars," Deputy Attorney General James B. Comey said. "In the process, thousands of graduates have emerged with degrees, but few or no skills applicable to everyday life. And many are as unprepared to enter the job market as they were when they first enrolled."
This Comey passage is basically a real-life critique from people who want home economics classes restored:
Students can graduate with majors in creative writing, Latin, women's studies, and history, yet still not know how to fix a sink, sew on a button, or even properly feed themselves.
I love the last line, in which a college graduate exposes the myth that mathematics is taught in college:5
Trumbull, who owes more than $40,000 in student loans, added that he must use a calculator to perform even simple math.
Area People doing Area Things
“Copies of Da Vinci Code Litter Crash Site”: The book was No. 1 on the New York Times bestseller list for most of 2004. The photo here is adapted from a 2002 Air China plane crash.
“Alpha-Bits Now Available In Serif Font”: Love this joke. Sadly, Alpha-Bits was discontinued in 2021.
“Sheepish Secret Service Agent Can't Explain How Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Got Into Oval Office”: This joke was more innocuous when I wrote the 1st draft of this newsletter Saturday morning!
“Girl Slept With For Her Sake”: This is a more laborious version of March 2004’s “British Girl Exotic Enough.”
“Noisy Upstairs Neighbors Wake Man At 3 P.M.”: Solid joke!
“Child 'Very Sorry' For Slapping Teddy Bear”: Apparently, Arthur Hollis, 8, is already gaslighting:
"I don't know why I do it, Raymond," Hollis said to the stuffed bear as he cradled it in his arms. "I'm very sorry. I'll never do it again, I promise."
“Nerd Has Most Obscure Crush Ever”: I’d never heard of Peter Tuddenham or “Blake's 7,” but someone on The Onion’s staff is very familiar! The episode referenced is 1981’s “Headhunter.”
Also mentioned in this article? Neil Gaiman and his real-life assistant, Lorraine. Gaiman acknowledged The Onion’s article in July 2004.
Were the infographics good?
“Ringtones” is such a 2004 topic. Fast forward 20 years, and it’s rare for people to have their phones make any sound!
I love these jokes, even the stupid ones like “Can pretend that 50 Cent is calling with a song” and “iPod only stores 10,000 songs, need to carry 10,003.”
The most honest joke here is probably “Hate everyone else’s cheesy, obnoxious ringtone; want to show them how it’s done.”
“What's Our Real National Pastime?” makes me sad, because I feel like baseball’s barely hanging on as a Big 3 sport these days.
“Fast-forwarding” is a good answer, even if it’s kind of quaint these days.
What columnists ran?
The 2003 “Hulk” movie was financially successful, but no one seemed happy with it, and instead of a 2005 sequel, it was rebooted in 2008 with a new cast and director.
“Why No One Want Make Hulk 2?” sees Hulk address this injustice, especially after the X-Men and Spider-Man got sequels. Hulk clearly has studied the business side of Hollywood with this strong argument:
Hulk know what people say. Original movie no good, people say. Hulk movie Hulk-sized bomb, people say. That not true! Hulk more successful than people think. Make $132 million in U.S. alone, only cost $120 million.6 That not small potatoes. Add international box-office receipts and DVD sales and it add up to big money. Big! Oh, and did Hulk forget merchandising tie-ins? First Hulk movie really forge Hulk brand identity. Make people aware of Hulk. Hulk now poised to build on success of first Hulk movie. Hulk 2 smash box-office records!
Hulk also has ideas for attracting different demographics, including “fanboys” and “women ages 24 to 40. "He praises Ang Lee while noting Lee is “working on gay western right now.”
I also love The Onion having Hulk come up with merchandising ideas:
But Hulk not just limit branding to toys. Make Hulk Shampoo and Hulk Shampoo For Kids, in special no-tears formula. It sound like bad idea, but it good idea! You squirt it right in eye, and it not make you mad! Hulk very concerned with hygiene and comfort. Know how hard it is to make puny human child take bath. Hulk Shampoo make bath-time fun!
That joke is a great precursor to 2008’s “Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns.”
Our other columnist is “Man, That Mourning Really Did The Trick!” or The Onion doing a version of the “Men will literally do X instead of going to therapy” meme.
This is a very sad story about Kevin Ingrams, who lost his brother in a car crash. The twist is that he’s discovered the healing powers of mourning!
I mean, I was as horrified as anyone to hear that Ben lingered for hours in a semi-conscious state with his legs pinned under the car, only to die on his way to the hospital. But, hey, I mourned. Now, it's like, "See ya later, emotionally crippling pain and loss!" Seriously, try it. It doesn't cost a cent!
Kevin’s become an apostle for the mourning movement, telling friends and family all about it. He’s also gotten a lot of sympathy hugs from women in his building, plus:
I even got the number of that total hottie in apartment 7B, because she lost her mother when she was 8 and knows what I'm going through.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Scorpio, with apologies to Virgo’s “Vibrary of Congress” wordplay:
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You're starting to think that traveling the country looking for crooks is a little silly, but really, there's little other place in society for a talking dog.
What holds up best?
I absolutely love “Why No One Want Make Hulk 2?” I didn’t remember this column, but it’s so fun. Almost anything is funnier in the Hulk’s voice, as 2010s Twitter users know, but this is also smart and witty.
I also love “Apology Screamed” and “Alpha-Bits Now Available In Serif Font.”
What holds up worst?
Current events have overtaken the obesity story, while having to re-review the Secret Service story is just bad timing.
What would be done differently today?
It’s fascinating that The Onion would ignore the presidential race outside of Bill Maher’s commentary. This is doubly surprising because Democratic nominee John Kerry selected Sen. John Edwards as his running mate the week prior!
As much as I enjoyed the Maher teardown, that’s a lot of effort to focus on a B-list talk show host.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others!
Next week, we’ll revisit the classic Onion story “Divorced Branding Exec Generates Buzz Before Getting Back Out There,” plus examine how every American is out of touch. There’s also a joke about DSL internet service. See you then!
The U.S. interstate highway system was declared complete in 1992, for what it’s worth.
Crime-focused media goes back much further, of course. Think Edgar Allan Poe or Police Gazette, both active in the 1840s.
Context matters: The Onion is clearly parodying Maher rather than these women, and I suspect they didn’t want to mock the real-life woman, who was a flight attendant, not a celebrity. The modern equivalent of this Photoshopping I’m aware of is the NBA on TNT, where the crew constantly puts the guys’ heads on people of all races to make jokes.
I took one (1) math class in college, a statistics course, and mostly remember it for the time like 12 of us got stuck in the elevator leaving class.
Box Office Mojo says the movie actually cost $137 million, undermining Hulk’s argument somewhat.
The joke in the "no cure of obesity" article is the early 2000s argument about whether obesity is a disease, like diabetes or the flu. For example, this 2002 NYT article has a headline asking if obesity is symptom or a disease:
https://www.nytimes.com/2002/04/16/health/asking-if-obesity-is-a-disease-or-just-a-symptom.html
There was a similar debate about classifying things like addiction as a disease that got a lot of cultural commentary, like a 2005 South Park episode that had a miracle "cure" alcoholism. Like in the onion article, the joke is that the obesity/alcoholism is a "disease" that can be cured.
People tend to feel strongly about disease nomenclature, but my view is that it's just about money, and all the cultural commentary about agency misses the point. In July of 2004, Medicare allowed "obesity" to be considered as an illness which meant that people could get coverage for things like weight-loss surgery. Before that update, Medicare would only cover people that were diagnosed with something like hypertension, but not for people that were obese but had no other conditions. The issue is that this bureaucratic definition of disease (something that needs to be covered by insurance) is different from the colloquial definition of disease (a condition caused by an external factor, often completely outside one's control).
Apparently "Apology Screamed" IS in the store! https://store.theonion.com/collections/unisex-t-shirts-from-the-onion/products/apology-screamed-t-shirt