20 years ago, The Onion featured a talking squirrel who loves the nuts
Plus, Bill Clinton returns! So does Jean Teasdale! 2 people awkwardly flirt with each other. And The Onion runs a story about all the rubble in Palestine.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 19, 2003.
Today, we’re revisiting one of my all-time talking animal stories in The Onion. We’ll also be talking about Israel and Hamas — and I feel much more prepared for the former than the latter.
If you’re new here, welcome! Please sign up below. We publish most Sundays — but not next week, because The Onion didn’t publish new articles on Nov. 26, 2003, although you can view the print front page (of old stories) here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 45, the 171st new Onion issue of the 2000s. There is no 2003 website archive yet again. Here’s the website from 2013 and today.
The front-page headlines “Porn DVD’s Commentary Track Just More Moaning” and “Pre-Nup Skimmed” are no longer online.
As far as adult-themed Onion headlines lost to history, 2002’s “Southerner Either Looking For 'Pawn Shop' Or 'Porn Shop'" is better.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Palestine Appoints New Minister Of Rubble And Urban Development” might feel like a tremendously familiar story in November 2023. It is and it isn’t.
This 2003 article is set not in Gaza but in the West Bank, where the Palestinian National Authority was based. Palestine was led by Prime Minister Ahmed Qureia, whose post existed in part to create an official leader who wasn’t Yasser Arafat, who was still alive.
Hamas existed 20 years ago but didn’t have official power — it’s not even mentioned in this article. And while bloodshed involving Hamas or Israel was plentiful in 2003, it wasn’t on the scale of recent weeks.
What else feels different in 2023? U.S. public opinion clearly has shifted, at least in segments, toward Palestine in the past 20 years (and less in favor of U.S. support of overseas conflict of any kind, for sure). Are we more polarized in supporting only Israel or Palestine? Some pre-Oct. 7 polling says maybe, although conflating “Palestinians” and “Hamas” in that polling seems fraught. Social media polarizes, of course, and it didn’t exist 20 years ago.
All that said, this article feels familiar and cyclical — Israel-Palestine is as close to a perpetually repeating historical cycle as we have. But it’s not a mirror image of today’s conflict or American views, just as a 2003 Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck article in The Onion rings familiar but couldn’t be reprinted wholesale in 2023.
Another difference — in my limited view — is that The Onion’s coverage of Israel and Palestine is scrutinized and criticized more today than 20 years ago.1 Some of this, again, is social media — I’m astounded by how people scrolling on Instagram, for example, don’t seem to “get” The Onion’s humor.
So what do I think about this article, and is it funny? This article reminds me less of today’s conflict than of The Onion’s early-2000s coverage of Africa, which frequently reduced its many countries to the theme “some hapless backwater failing!” — “Tanzania Loses Name To Tanning-Salon Chain” and “Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef’” among the prime offenders.
In those stories — and here — I sense that The Onion is trying to show sympathy for the Palestinians, Tanzanians and Burundians. But it comes off more like mockery, even if it’s well-written .
This is a good joke, but it feels more like a generic urban development joke that treats “Palestine” like a Mad Libs word — rather than a skewering of either Israel’s conduct, the Palestinian government’s oversight, or both:
"Having worked in the private sector as a rubble developer and organizer, Mr. Al-Katif understands Palestine's rubble situation," Arafat said. "He has a strong plan that charts a path to capitalization on our vast and ever-increasing supply of rock fragments and crumbled masonry."
This next excerpt feels like it’s calling out Israeli attacks, but it also sounds like it’s mocking Palestine for being inept and corrupt (both could be true!):
Al-Katif responded to a reporter who suggested that his plan focused more on rubble than on urban development.
"These are two sides of the same coin," Al-Katif said. "Today's development is tomorrow's pile of rubble, and today's pile of rubble is tomorrow's makeshift shelter for a displaced family. It is all part of the same cycle."
Maybe I’m being too harsh. After all, the closing paragraph is more poignant, especially today, as the population of Gaza remains incredibly young:
"In spite of tough economic times, more and more young people are becoming rubble-owners. Take, for example, 16-year-old Dinuk Wijurnai, who recently returned to his neighborhood and found himself sole owner of the pile of rubble that was once his family home," Al-Katif said. "The future of this country is in the hands, and under the feet, of children like Dinuk."
This article is a good reminder that we all can read these old articles and find our own likes and dislikes. This article doesn’t quite land with me, but maybe you’ll see something in it that I don’t.
Other political news
“African Leaders Still Treating Clinton As President”: This article feels dated in many ways. For one thing, we have long moved past the idea that Bill Clinton "is our 1st Black president.”2 Still, it’s nice to see Bill here. (A reminder that I’ve cataloged all The Onion’s Clinton presidency articles available online.)
“House Of Representatives Magically Switches Bodies With Senate”: The most unrealistic part of this article is the closing sentence: “Members of both congressional bodies proceeded to learn valuable lessons about one another's perspectives on the legislative process.”
“Speeding Up Iraqi Self-Rule”: The Onion asked people on the street about the Bush administration’s rush to hand over control. I wish this quote had been a real slogan:
"This is simply the natural evolution of our policy from Iraquisition to Iraqupation, to Iraqunification."
Christine Winn • Receptionist
Area People doing Area Things
I don’t really remember the text of “Sorta-Attractive Girl Half-Heartedly Hit On,” but I absolutely remember these photos. God bless whoever this woman was (please tell me in the comments if you have a backstory!).
The details are what make Onion stories great, and this one is no exception. Our protagonist is Peter Elsing, who is 24 and a paint-store employee. Theresa Scobel is a graduate student at Vanderbilt University.
They are at a rather dull party thrown by Elsing’s friend, with Scobel the only single woman in close proximity. Elsing admits he might have hit on Scobel’s friend “Kate or Kim or something” had she not kept stepping outside.
I love the awkwardness:
About 20 minutes into the halting exchange, Elsing embarked on a tentative flirt, and told Scobel that the gray top she was wearing was "nice."
"She thanked me and told me that my eyes were very intense," Elsing said. "That was kind of cool. But I was also like, whoa, that was a pretty big leap she made—from clothes to body parts. It's not like I pointed out a physical feature of hers. Hopefully, I haven't released the floodgates here."
I’m probably too old to go to many house parties these days, much less be in these sorts of conversations.
Elsing asked for Scobel’s number but hasn’t called or texted. Neither seems too excited about it:
"Peter was nice, but I wish I hadn't given him my number," she said. "I just did it because…I don't know. I honestly didn't mean to send him mixed signals. I just made that remark about his eyes to get him to relax a little."
This reminds me of the less-successful Date Labs (RIP), the long-running Washington Post feature.
This issue also featured a rare Onion sports story, although it’s arguably a classic Onion teardown of the media. “Media Criticized For Biased Hometown Sports Reporting” calls out all the homers in your hometown paper’s (RIP) sports section.
And, yes, hometown news coverage is biased in favor of the local team:
"Photos almost always featured the home team, usually in a moment of victory," Wilborough said. "When the players and coaches of the opposing team were discussed, it was usually in the context of how they were 'destroyed' or 'stomped.'"3
The Onion cites a real-life media watchdog, Fairness and Accuracy In Reporting, which has this warning for all of us in the future:
"Let's face it, sports news is the only news most people read," Wilborough said. "That's reason enough to clean it up. Otherwise, the media may start seeing bias and sensationalism as a formula for success. I don't think anyone wants to live in a country where that happens."
Other Area People items include:
“Donut Shop's Mission Statement Awfully Ambitious”: I love the aspiration of “At Dotty's, our goal is to reinvent the morning.”
“22-Year-Old Fuck Complains Of Age Discrimination”: This financial services employee sued because someone with 20 years’ experience got the promotion. This feels more like a helicopter parent.
“Enraged Man Unable To Break TV”: Such an alpha/beta line years before every 3rd Twitter account became a faux-philosopher. The man in this story saw his ex-wife in a local commercial, although we learn no other details.
Finally, the 2 front-page photos still feel relevant — although barely parody:
“David Blaine Starves Self Of Attention For 33 Days”: This was not long after he spent 44 days in a Plexiglass box.
“Domino's Introduces Thanksgiving Feast Pizza”: I’m shocked Domino’s hasn’t done this. Or have they and I missed it???
Was an animal quoted?
My favorite genre of Onion stories is when animals talk like people. I can’t explain why. This love is not universally shared — a good friend once said she hated these stories.
I even included “Was an animal quoted?” as a weekly feature when I began this newsletter, but sadly, The Onion doesn’t anthropomorphize animals nearly as much as I would like.
Thankfully, 20 years ago today, we were blessed with Danny the Squirrel in “I Have To Admit: I Love The Nuts.”
First of all, I love the headshot.
Danny acknowledges the stereotype that squirrels love nuts, but he can’t help himself — he really does love them! He’s honestly obsessed, can’t get enough, won’t share them, and will go nuts if he can’t find his nuts.
You might say, "Danny, what's the deal with the nuts? Don't you ever want to break out of the mold? Do something a little less expected? Blaze a trail? Why do you just live by the old squirrel standards?"
Well, I've got an answer. It's simple. Ready? Here it is: I love nuts. Acorns in particular.
But I love chestnuts, walnuts, and peanuts, too. I'm a nut nut! That's an old joke my dad told me when I was a little kid, and it's funny because it's true.
“My dad told me when I was a little kid” — this is a classic small-town newspaper column about some banal personal interest, except it’s a squirrel writing about his personal interest. And his name is Danny.
Life is short if you're a squirrel. What do I have? Two, three years? I have to live life to the fullest. I don't want people saying that I didn't take advantage of every opportunity that I had while I skittered around this green earth. If, when I'm gone, you hear someone say, "That Danny, he was a good guy, but he didn't eat many nuts," I insist you set them straight. You tell them that I loved nuts more than anything.
He’s already imagining the self-improvement cliche of “What do you want people to say at your funeral?”!!
Look, if you dislike this article, I understand. Please don’t unsubscribe! Just know you’re going to hate it any time I talk about a talking animal :)
Danny the Squirrel would return in 2009’s “You Follow One Kid Home, Rip Out His Eyes And All The Sudden You're A 'Killer' Squirrel.”
(Coincidentally, squirrels are in the news, or “squirles,” rather, thanks to Travis Kelce)
Were the infographics good?
“Immigrant Workers Vs. Wal-Mart” is about a 2003 lawsuit filed by immigrant employees. This case took 7+ years to resolve, and only a handful of plaintiffs received monetary relief.4
Do these jokes hold up? I don’t know. The sharpest barbs might be the direct criticism of Wal-Mart’s existence — the jokes about working under fluorescent lighting and easy-listening music and about “being forced to destroy small-town economics against their will.”
“What's Under Our Leaf Pile?” is a tremendous question.
The Christo joke is about his “Wrapped Reichstag.” The illustration does a good job of illustrating a wriggling hand poking out from the leaf pile.
What columnists ran?
This is a busy, busy issue, so much so that I almost forgot about Jean Teasdale. She returns in “Ghosts Of Situations Past,” and much like Onion columnist Jim Anchower, she starts with employment updates:
If you Jeanketeers think I sit on a chaise lounge eating bonbons all day, you'll be surprised to learn that I applied for, and got, a part-time job at Kinko's. See, I thought working at Kinko's would be easy. The only other time I'd been there, to photocopy a disintegrating old column by Ann Landers (R.I.P.), it was late at night, and the clerk on duty was reading a skateboarding magazine. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening! That place gets swamped!
Jean is not good at this job, even for a trainee. And her “aw, shucks” attitude probably doesn’t help, even if she’s trying her best.
In response, Jean calls out sick and drives by the Fashion Bug where she used to work (it was closed down, as recounted in 2002’s “Career Separates”). Then she confronts her 3 ghosts:
Past: Jean visits the comic book store that occupies 50% of the old Fashion Bug space and sees an employee who reminds her of his stupid husband, Rick. Of course, the encounter goes poorly, but she walks away believing “we old fogies can be just as smart-alecky as the young whippersnappers! “
Present: She goes to the park, where most of the trees have been cut down due to blight. The Mr. Pibb people probably don’t want Jean marketing what it’s like to consume their beverage.
Future: She meets Sean, the “friend” who mocked Jean in a ‘zine in 2001’s “With Friends Like These…” He’s moving away, but gives Jean a nice present. Of course, he might write about this, even though Jean asks him not to.
So many good callbacks here. Also, Jean decides to quit Kinko’s, truly making this a Jim Anchower column.
What was the best horoscope?
This week’s horoscopes have clever references to “Moneyball,” “Atlas Shrugged,” and either anti-gay-marriage advocacy or something like it. That said, my favorite horoscope this week is Taurus with this reference to Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery”:
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll win the lottery, but it's not one of those cool lotteries that decides who lives and who dies.
What holds up best?
“Media Criticized For Biased Hometown Sports Reporting” is timeless, even if the focus on newspapers is somewhat dated.
It’s possible some of you have been victimized by a “22-Year-Old Fuck [Who] Complains Of Age Discrimination,” but I hope not.
What holds up worst?"
The Jean Teasdale line “(What can I say? I can barely tell a PC from a teepee.)” feels like something she’d say in 2003, but not in a 2023 column.
Also, as much as I enjoyed “African Leaders Still Treating Clinton As President” 20 years ago, it became obsolete on many levels over time.
What would be done differently today?
Read what The Onion has written about Israel, Hamas and Gaza over the past 6 weeks. Not only has the tenor changed, but so has the pace. It’s always worth remembering that The Onion in 2003 was published once a week — in print. The website is just a copy of the print issue. If The Onion didn’t comment on real-life events or got unlucky with timing, you’d have to wait more than a week to try again.
This change matters in both directions: How would The Onion have coped in, say, March 2003 if it had to report on the Iraq war in near real time? What if The Onion had to post about 9/11 the next day instead of in print 2+ weeks later?
Similarly, what would The Onion change about its Israel-Gaza coverage, U.S. political coverage or countless other topics if it could take days to craft the best possible joke or jokes? And if it didn’t have to worry about filling social feeds.
Thank you
Thank you for being here — and for reading this far!
We are not publishing next week. See you in December!
As I’ve been saying recently, The Onion today feels too obvious in its political jokes, which to me makes them more predictable and less fun, much less funny. (You might feel different, and you might be correct!) That said, “The Onion’ Stands With Israel Because It Seems Like You Get In Less Trouble For That” felt like a throwback in mocking the media and elite opinion.
The quote is not more nuanced and less complimentary in the full context of Toni Morrison’s New Yorker article.
This reminds me of a 1991 Dave Barry profile of the Miami Heat, specifically player Grant Long. From Barry’s article, quoting Miami Herald sports reporter Shaun Powell:
"Every city we go to, you see the same headlines in the sports pages," Powell said. LOCAL TEAM COOLS HEAT. Or LOCAL TEAM CHILLS HEAT. Or ICES HEAT. Or FREEZES HEAT. In the stories, they're always the 'Hapless Heat.' The Hapless Heat did this, the Hapless Heat did that. It's like they're from Hapless, Florida."
Notably, the U.S. government in late 2003 investigated Wal-Mart for hiring those immigrants and others — that suit was settled in 2005 for $11 million.