20 years ago, The Onion mocked "Gigli" and John Kerry
20 years ago, The Onion mocked "Gigli" and John Kerry
We also revisit Gorzo the Mighty, keyboard shortcuts, the "Law & Order" theme song, the death of Saddam Hussein's sons and much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit July 30, 2003.
This issue is fantastic. Great jokes about real-life news stories, good “Area Man” humor, 2 excellent columns. There’s so much to discuss, and I encourage you to check out the links.
If you’re new here, please sign up!
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 29, the 156th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today.
Sadly, the iconic “Friend Who Can Play Law & Order Theme On Bass Asked To Do So” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Some of my readers might be too young to remember “Gigli” or don’t remember it. Here’s how bad “Gigli” was:
The Onion is mocking this movie even before its Aug. 1 release date.
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez postponed their wedding a month after this and were broken up by January 2004.1
Affleck’s career was so damaged that he went into directing — which ultimately was the best thing to happen to him.
Director Martin Brest was 51 years old when this film was released. He hasn’t worked since.
“Gigli Focus Groups Demand New Ending In Which Both Affleck And Lopez Die” plays off the film’s already troubled production and poor test screenings. Ironically, the “Gigli” reshoots resulted from audiences hating the original ending where Affleck’s character dies!
The Onion’s approach is simple: The movie sucks, Bennifer suck, and everyone hates their love story now.
Of the 3,000 people who screened “Gigli,” 98.83% want Affleck and Lopez’s characters to die brutally, with many preferring gunfire. Additionally:
According to the exit cards, other popular methods of achieving Lopez and Affleck's on-screen demise included car bombs, multiple stab wounds, acid baths, rabid wolf attacks, lightning strikes, and, in one case, a "hammer party."
The Onion goes to great lengths to document this bloodlust, including the comment card below (this link is another option if it’s hard to read).
The Onion implies that director Martin Brest is all too happy to kill off Bennifer. His worry is "what people in the business call 'option paralysis'—being caught with so many good ideas that you're not sure which one to use.”
Finally, in case you forgot, “Gigli” wasn’t even the only Bennifer movie in production in summer 2003!
In light of the results, however, director Kevin Smith has said he will consider adding a gruesome double homicide to his Affleck-Lopez comedy Jersey Girl, due in theaters next year.
This article is wonderfully spiteful, although I wonder if we’d remember it as fondly if Affleck and Lopez had fallen off the radar.
“Adorable Democratic Candidate Actually Believes He Has A Chance” isn’t necessarily a bad prediction by The Onion. President George W. Bush’s approval rating was still near 60% in July 2003, and it was difficult to imagine anyone beating him.
Indeed, Bush not only won in 2004, he was also the 1st candidate to clear 50% of the popular vote since his father in 1988.
The part that has aged badly is the idea that Kerry is a hilarious long shot, even among Democrats.
I do like the article structure. It’s a classic candidate profile, interspersed with Kerry quotes criticizing the Bush administration and outlining his proposals.
The satire is in how everyone reacts to Kerry — Dan Rather and Tim Russert mock his enthusiasm, while random voters praise anything but his electoral chances:
"He looks so handsome," 68-year-old onlooker Iris Weum said. "It's so nice that he's trying to be president."
Kerry, looking very presidential in his nice new suit and clean white shirt, also criticized Bush's strategy for the war in Iraq.
The Onion acknowledges that Kerry led all Democrats in fundraising in mid-July 2003 but resumes the mockery:
Lowman added: "Well, you know, though, as the White House scrambles to answer questions about disputed intelligence on Iraq's nuclear-weapons programs, at least one of those Democratic candidates might have a shot. Stranger things have happened. Aw, who am I kidding?"
Other government news
“Congress Establishes Bill Suggestion Hotline” lives in a world where people call 1-900 numbers. While I like the idea of 1-900-NEW-BILL, it’s deeply unfortunate that the person pitching this number is then-House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert, now an admitted child sex abuser.
Last week, I talked about The Onion going to print before the deaths of Saddam Hussein’s sons. This week, “Uday And Qusay On Display” asks people about the public display of the bodies (purportedly to prove they weren’t fakes).
The jokes aren’t bad, including the one calling for a celebratory Toby Keith song. Ny favorite is this quote:
"My heart goes out to Saddam. I can't imagine what it's like to lose even one, much less two evil henchmen."
Marty Felder • Bus Driver
Area People doing Area Things
“Area Man Knows All The Shortcut Keys” makes me laugh because I know a lot of shortcuts. Most of this is job-related — I worked on a newspaper copy desk and had to edit many articles and design 7-10 pages every night. Without keyboard shortcuts, you weren’t getting that work done on time.
My next job, where I spent 12+ years, also favored people who knew shortcuts. So, I’m clearly on board for this.2
Catalog copywriter Roger Turlock is the workplace expert in keyboard shortcuts, especially for Apple computers. He’s struggling to teach his co-workers, however:
"Command-F for find," Turlock told human-resources secretary June Blise today after 1.5 seconds of scrolling had failed to produce his name on her screen. "Then just type 'Turlock' and hit return. Really, you could just type 'T-U-R' to find it even faster."
"What's 'Command'?" Blise asked.
"Sorry," Turlock said. "Same as Open Apple. Microsoft isn't going to want to say that dirty word, though, so on MS products it's called the Command key."
"What's 'Open Apple'?" Blise asked.
This is the Command key, if you need a refresher. I’m also thrilled that this article mentions Quark XPress, which I used at that 1st newspaper job. Anyways, I sympathize with Turlock, but most people don’t need to know shortcuts, much less the Function keys:
Turlock said he is "shocked" by how many people do not know about Command-Z, the shortcut to "undo typing," or cancel the last action performed.
"Absolutely unbelievable," Turlock said. "Command-Z has saved my butt so many times."
“Dominatrix Seems Preoccupied” makes me laugh immediately because of the photo of Jack Traden. I also love the premise — even the best professionals have off-days. Every reader can identify with that, even if they know nothing about the dominatrix lifestyle.
We learn a lot about Traden’s relationship with Mistress Varla, as well as how her work is slipping:
“When I walk into her dungeon, Mistress Varla is usually the very image of sleek menace,” Traden said. “Lately, though, her boots are all scuffed and there are runs in her black stockings. Last week, I noticed she’d even incorrectly tied her leather corset. I would’ve mentioned it, but Mistress demands that I put in my ball gag before I arrive.”
Traden is a loyal customer, but he might stop going for a bit, as he “can’t keep paying top dollar for second-rate domination.”
Moving on: The front page had 2 interesting headlines with photos: 1st is “Genetically Modified Chicken Lays Its Own Dipping Sauce.” The Onion heavily covered the GMO phenomenon of the early 2000s,3 reflecting the public’s continued fascination. Admittedly, this is a lazy joke — the dipping sauce is already packaged!
We also have “Yearbook Committee Forced To Print Mug Shot,” which isn’t that funny but does have a good photo.
Other Area People stories included:
“Playground Treated To Hot Pug-On-Pug Action”: This story is set in the “Waldo Street Tot Lot” in Providence, R.I., which appears to be a real place. I love this eyewitness account:
"First the one doggy got behind the other doggy," said Andy Haupert, 6. "Then the first doggy tried to get on top of the other doggy while the other doggy tried to run away. It was really funny.”
“Man Thinks Receptionist Is Hitting On Him”: The Onion excels at showing how bad people are in romantic situations. In case you think this guy is correct, The Onion has that covered:
“Earlier that day, Walters also caught the eye of an Applebee's waitress, a Goodyear service-center employee, and two different bank tellers.”
“That Knife Guy From High School Arrested In Knife-Related Incident”: Not nearly as harrowing as most Onion stories about weapons in schools.
“NPR Listener Acquires Kick-Ass Tote Bag”: NPR loves its tote bags. Also, KCRW-FM is still an NPR station in California.
Were the infographics good?
“Digital Music Piracy” reminds me of when I began this newsletter. Napster was a big story then (including May 2000’s “Kid Rock Starves to Death”).
I’d forgotten that the music industry didn’t stop with Napster, going on to sue individual people, including students and mothers. 4
These jokes are better than I expected! I haven’t thought of Stained or Capitol Records in a while. I thoroughly enjoyed “Donning black cape and rakishly twirling mustache whenever using Kazaa.” I actually used Kazaa on and off until maybe 2010, although mostly for TV shows I didn’t get to watch or record.
Also, “Hiding music in Swiss download account” is stupid but enjoyable.
“Least Favorite U.S. Highways” is really good Onion humor. It’s hard for me to say exactly why. I think it’s because these jokes are all distinct and rich in detail despite being only 1 sentence.
I had to Google M. Emmet Walsh, who I’ve seen in many movies, most recently “Knives Out.”
What columnists ran?
One of my favorite parts of this newsletter is learning new things. I’d never heard of Gorzo the Mighty, possibly because he hadn’t published since 1999!5
(The only previous mention in this newsletter was from astute reader LiveEye57 in June 2020, who spotted an Easter egg mention of Gorzo’s enemy Crash Comet.)
Anyways, “You Shall Make An Excellent Queen” sees Gorzo in the aftermath of battle, demanding a report on survivors from “that most vaunted and foul Space-Yacht, the Star of Freedom III.” The only survivor is Crash Comet’s companion, April Van August.
Gorzo is thrilled to have killed his enemy and taken his lover. He immediately orders a wedding. But, as you might suspect, things take a turn:
And now, my dear, as I place this Magmazantium ring on your finger, you shall be bound by cosmic law as my mate for all eternity! So, I'll just place it right now—GAH!
What is this? Who has broken from the fly-over formation? Who dares disrupt my wedding with shenanigans?!
Why, that Valkyrie War-Jet strafing the courtyard! It dips and weaves in the trademark flying style of… CRASH COMET, SPACE COMMANDER FROM THE YEAR 2000? Curses!
This is delightful. I love how he narrates everything that’s happening. I also love his biography, which includes this line: “He is represented by Janine Freiberg at CAA.”
I’m sure Gorzo is based on some characters I’m not familiar with. Please let me know in the comments what I’ve missed!
“They're Ruining My Favorite Soap!” is classic Jean Teasdale, even if soaps are nearly extinct in 2023.
Jean is already reeling from the revelation that Richard Chamberlain, her favorite “Thorn Birds” character, is gay. Now, her favorite (fictional) soap, “Brink of Destiny,” has gone off the rails. This sounds like a soap plot:
The last straw came for me on Friday, when it was revealed that Krista was Helena's daughter. Never mind that Krista is a teenager and Helena's character graduated from high school only seven years ago! (I even remember the graduation-day episode—Helena finally lost her virginity to leather-jacketed bad boy Cutter, even though her father, Dr. Ted, despised him because he suspected him of making whoopee with his much-younger second wife Trish!)
There’s also a cloned woman in this show?!?
Anyways, Jean has been a loyal fan for 25 years, never missing an episode, even when it resulted in downsides like, you know, repeating 10th grade!
Sadly for Jean, “Brink of Destiny” is more popular than ever, as the viewing public doesn’t agree with her assessment. Poor Jean. Even her trivial pursuits go badly.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Capricorn, mostly because I’m intrigued by the theft:
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
What holds up best?
“NPR Listener Acquires Kick-Ass Tote Bag” is far from the funniest joke in this issue, but it’s easily the most relevant. I also love “Friend Who Can Play Law & Order Theme On Bass Asked To Do So.”
There’s really no wrong answer with this issue.
What holds up worst?
I liked just about everything. I suppose “Congress Establishes Bill Suggestion Hotline” makes no sense in 2023, but The Onion could rework this joke for modern technology.
What would be done differently today?
This feels like a modern Onion approach: Commentary on pop culture and the presidential race, some Area Man jokes and a few funny photos.
Sadly, The Onion no longer has columnists, even if Jean Teasdale did make a surprise appearance this year.
Thank you
I felt like last week’s newsletter was only OK. Hopefully, y’all enjoyed it despite me feeling off. I think this one is better!
Next week, The Onion talks about Jimmy Carter, Kobe Bryant, Gray Davis and a column about the danger of dating.
J.Lo married Marc Anthony in June 2004(!). Also, I discussed J.Lo in 2021 because of her famous — and still relevant — March 2001 cover story.
I only recently learned that the Windows key + V opens up a list of the past 20 text blocks you’ve copied or cut. What a discovery (for me)!
2002’s “Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Benefits At Shopper” is one of the best (and weirdest).
One suit lasted 6 years and 3 trials!
Some Onion columnists had a dedicated archives page 20 years ago, like Jean Teasdale and Smoove B. But Larry Groznic didn’t, nor did Gorzo the Mighty. Also, this 2007 forum thread has an interesting discussion of the “best” Onion columnist.
I love Gorzo the Mighty! He's a sendup of Ming the Merciless from Flash Gordon. You'll see one of my favorite columns from him later, titled "SIEZE HIM, YOU FOOLS!"
That's Onion writer Todd Hanson's handwriting all over the *Gigli* comment card.