20 years ago, The Onion shut down Maryland
20 years ago, The Onion shut down Maryland
We also discuss a 3rd Olsen (not Elizabeth), U.S. troops staying in Iraq, a man going to Taco Bell, household chores and much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit July 23, 2003.
This is a strong issue of solid jokes from 20 years ago. We also get an inside look at American pop culture from summer 2003.1
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 28, the 155th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today.
The front-page headline “Schwarzenegger To U.S. Troops: 'You Guys Are The Real Genocidal Killer Robots From The Future’” is no longer online — and hasn’t been since the 2013 website redesign.
The Schwarzenegger joke is a throwaway line, but it’s strange to me. I’m guessing The Onion meant to reference “Terminator 3” while making fun of the Bush administration, but it feels like it’s (inadvertently) making fun of the troops themselves.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet” is a story written in the style of 2 lurid media fascinations: Horrific child abuse and the Olsen twins.
Was there something specific sparking this story? I’m not sure. Vanity Fair’s July 2003 issue2 did feature Ashley and Mary-Kate in a teen-themed spread.
Regardless, this is an era where millions of people were weirdly excited about the Olsens (and Lindsay Lohan) turning 18. Combine that with the media’s eagerness to exploit disappearances (Elizabeth Smart in 2002 and Natalee Holloway in 2005 are just 2 examples), and I understand why this story exists.
But wow, The Onion goes the extra mile in making it graphic. Like, imagine the worst conditions a child could endure while locked in a basement. Then add all the details. That’s this article. It’s brilliant work but unpleasant.
Some notes:
The Onion misspells the name of the Olsen twins’ mother as “Janette” instead of “Jarnette.”
The article mentions a few Mary-Kate and Ashley ventures, such as their Wal-Mart clothing line, the movie “Holiday in the Sun” and the song “I Am The Cute One.”
“Ethel” is a fine name, but The Onion deliberately picks it as an old-fashioned, less fun name (Archie Comics and “Riverdale” do this, too).
No explanation is given for why a prehensile claw and scales are involved.
The LAPD correctly arrests the Olsen parents but are also weirdly sympathetic. Says Lt. Ron Mudd:
"My daughter loves Mary-Kate and Ashley, and this is going to be hard to explain to her," Mudd said. "In a way, I wish we'd never found Ethel. As a cop, I see a lot of ugliness every day, but this devastates me. How could something so hideous be connected to something so pure and wholesome?"
The Olsen parents are eager to develop a TV and movie career around Ethel, showing they’ve learned nothing.
More Media Coverage
“The New New York Times” explores the newspaper after the Jayson Blair scandal, including the elevation of Bill Keller to executive editor.3 2003 wasn’t a great year for the Times’ credibility, and this was before Judith Miller’s Iraq reporting was challenged.
As a college student looking to get into newspapers, I followed this saga closely. 20 years later, even though I’ve seen how bureaucracies of all kinds are vulnerable to poor decisions, the Times’ mistakes are still disappointing to look back on.
Anyways, how did The Onion do here? I still enjoy these jokes. You’ve got classic “newspaper cynic” jokes, like the ones about “special ‘fact checkers’ to ‘check’ paper's ‘facts” and “Addition of new Car Crash section.”
My favorite, as longtime readers might suspect, is the goofy “Big button that can stop presses to replace crude, inefficient practice of yelling, ‘Stop the presses!’”
Also, the Metropolitan Diary section still exists.
The other media story, “Man Trapped Under Boulder Braces For Possible Good Morning America Interview,” plays off of the April 2003 incident involving Aron Ralston. Remember the James Franco movie “127 Hours” where he cuts off his arm? That’s the guy.
While the headline says “Good Morning America,” the hiker also mentions the “Today” show — “Katie Couric and that chubby weatherman with the wisecracks” (Al Roker).
The Onion covers the government
The national debt was skyrocketing during the Bush administration, and some states were also struggling — one factor in 2003’s California gubernatorial recall was a projected $38 billion budget deficit.
“Deficit-Wracked Maryland Calls It Quits” imagines that a U.S. state can declare bankruptcy (they can’t) and cease to exist like a retailer closing its stores. From Maryland Gov. Robert L. Ehrlich Jr.:
"I would like to sincerely thank everyone who has ever lived in or visited the great state of Maryland," Ehrlich said at a press conference held on the steps of a boarded-up Capitol Building. "You are the people who have made this such a wonderful place. Maryland will live on in the fond memories of each of you, even as we liquidate the state's assets."
I like when The Onion lets its imagination run wild. Like, this is a nonsense scenario, but that’s the point.
This isn’t just bankruptcy or default that results in lawsuits and financial maneuvering. No, it’s a full-scale surrender: All Marylanders must move out, and all assets of value will be sold at auction, including the original first draft of "The Star-Spangled Banner" and the rights to the state flag, bird and motto:
"Secret [brand antiperspirant] has put in a substantial bid for our motto, Fatti maschii, parole femine, which means 'Manly Deeds, Womanly Words,'" Ehrlich said. "I also think that Nevada might buy the rights to our state sport, jousting. When we sell the rights to our state song, 'Maryland, My Maryland,' that's when it's going to hit me that it's finally over."
Maryland’s not even the 1st state to go bankrupt — Oregon is an abandoned landscape “infested with raccoons." (In real life, Maryland had a budget surplus in fiscal 2003.)
Other government stories in this issue include:
“FDA Approves New Drug For Treatment Of Social Anxiety”: A simple joke, but fine. Credit for Photoshopping the prescription label.
“Bush Not Heard From For Over A Month”: This article was published before President George W. Bush announced a full month of vacation at his Texas ranch. But I don’t think it represents any real-life event.
“Hot New Secretary Of Transportation To 'Shake Up' U.S. Highways”: This is a very silly article. The “shake up” includes getting rid of the Federal Highway Administration.
“Troops To Stay In Iraq”: The Onion asks people about the war in Iraq not really being over. At least one respondent is a modern-day doomer:
"At least democracy's flowering over there. They could be here, where it's nearly fucking dead."
Arthur Rucker • Professor
Area People doing Area Things
“Man Going To Taco Bell 'With Or Without You’” is about a guy who wants to be in control but struggles to exert it. Josh Brooks4 sends the entire article threatening to leave his apartment but can’t quite make it out the door.
“Tone, you don’t need the jacket,” Brooks told Solomon, who had begun to search the floor around the couch for clothing. “Let’s just go. It’s 10 minutes away. We’ll be in the car the whole time. Round trip’ll take 30 minutes, tops. C’mon.”
“You don’t need your warm-ups, Beckham,” Brooks added, sighing. “Listen, I’m out of here in two minutes whether you guys are with me or not.”
Gathering his wallet and keys, Brooks relocated to the area by the front door.
Brooks also claps his hands at one point and says, “It’s TB time.”
I like that Brooks is bad at bossing around his roommates. The Onion asks a psychiatrist from nearby Bowling Green University to diagnose Brooks. Apparently, he’s an “altruistic dominant male”:
“[Brooks] sees himself as the lighthouse, and his less-motivated friends as ill-fated ships, cruising toward the rocks,” Shoreham said. “If he doesn’t lead them to safety, or in this case a delicious Seven Layer Burrito, he feels he has let them down.”
Taco Bell is bigger than ever, so this story feels relevant on that alone.
Our other major “local” story is “Goofy Guy Named Gary Enlivens Otherwise Intolerable Wedding Reception,” which is a feel-good article that predates the movie “Wedding Crashers.”
Gary delights everyone from the groom’s father to the best man to the flower girl to the bride herself. Here’s just one anecdote:
"There was this funny-looking guy [Gary] at the table next to mine," said Jeanie Schroeder, Elaine's cousin. "He was cracking people up by making a tie out of one of the streamers hanging from the ceiling. Meanwhile, at my table, everyone was just gossiping about how Kevin made so much less money than Elaine's first fiancé. I kept thinking, 'I wish I was sitting at the goofy guy's table.'"
This guy sounds a bit much, honestly. But at a tense wedding where everyone is looking for a release valve, he seems like the perfect guest — especially when no one knows who he is or who invited him.
I also love that Gary wears a University of Wisconsin windbreaker over his shirt and tie. God bless The Onion for finding new ways to mention their home state.
Other Area People stories include:
“Widower Misses Sex With Dead Wife Terribly”: The Onion does a nice job taking a sad, sympathetic moment and making the guy seem creepy. The phrase “a one-hour masturbation vigil by candlelight” is one I never expected to read.
“Area Man Overly Proud Of Never Wearing Underwear”: I love this headline and premise. However, telling all your co-workers about it seems a bit much, even for a record store.
“Gazebo Underutilized”: Checks out. I feel like you rarely see a gazebo in use.
Were the infographics good?
Before writing this column, I was doing some chores around my apartment. Anyways, “Least Favorite Household Chores” amused me. It’s a timeless topic. Also, as someone who’s grown out his hair, that illustration isn’t entirely wrong.
“Programming robot to dust” is a Roomba joke, as y’all probably noticed. The Roomba came on the market in 2002.
What columnists ran?
“Sitting Through This Boring Murder Trial Should Be Punishment Enough” is a column by a defendant who feels that the slow-moving wheels of justice are the real bad guy:
It's cruel and unusual the way prosecution goes on…and on…and on. I knew it wasn't going to be like it is on TV, or in my juvenile animal-cruelty busts.5 But I had no idea it was going to take this long. Is there no such thing as mercy? I thought I had committed my crime in a state without capital punishment, but I swear this trial has been designed to bore me to death.
Donald Glenn Ehrman’s real regret is not his brutal crimes, but pleading “not guilty” and subjecting himself to procedural torture. He even objects to his own lawyer’s efforts, including an attempt to dismiss testimony because of Miranda violations.
I enjoy this column. It’s a testament to how good The Onion is that I probably won’t remember this 2 weeks from now, yet it’s a better-written satire than most of our best efforts would be.
Our other columnist is yet another sales-related article: “In Sex Sales, What You're Really Selling Is Yourself.” The joke is obvious: It’s sales cliches and advice, but it’s a sex worker telling you all this:
The younger women come to me nearly every day and ask, "Traci, what is your secret? How are you so successful, while I struggle every day just to make ends meet?" I smile, because I used to be like them: insecure and afraid. That was before I developed my patented Three-Point Plan™, the only sure-fire path to spectacular success. It starts with one simple lesson: In sex sales, what you're really selling is yourself.
I mean, it’s a great parody of a sales seminar. Here’s some of the key advice:
“You are offering a service, but you are also offering yourself. What is really ‘up for sale’ is you.”
“If you're serious about success, you have to be focused on your prospect's needs at all times.”
“Remember this: Being sensitive to a client's needs sometimes means telling him what his needs are.”
“Remember: A satisfied customer is a repeat customer.”
“The best way to be financially secure is to rely on your personal contacts and connections.”
“[Y]ou need to learn how to take rejection professionally, not personally.”
All good advice!
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Gemini for its advice on better communication:
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Although you honestly believe you do a better job of it than they could, finishing other people's sentences for them is still a real dick move.
Honorable mention to Scorpio’s description of a dramatic colonoscopy.
What holds up best?
“Area Man Overly Proud Of Never Wearing Underwear” delights me. It also feels like some viral Twitter thread or Reddit post — a guy is way too invested in discussing his anti-underwear stance, and then thousands of replies take up the fight in either direction.
What holds up worst?
I don’t love the Olsen twins story, but it’s well-written and macabre. “Hot New Secretary Of Transportation To 'Shake Up' U.S. Highways” is just stupid. Harmless, but stupid.
What would be done differently today?
The Kobe Bryant rape investigation began in mid-July 2003 but wasn’t mentioned until Aug. 6, 2003, with “Kobe Bryant's Fantasy-Team Coach 'Saddened' By Allegations.”
2003 began with many Onion stories about North Korea and Iraq, but that coverage dwindled in July despite both being in the news. Some of that is probably public fatigue, but I suspect today’s Onion would cover these topics more frequently.
And while The Onion didn’t mention the July 22 deaths of Uday and Qusay Hussein, that’s mostly because this issue would have already been printed. The following issue mentioned them.
Thank you
Appreciate y’all for opening this newsletter each week.
Next week, we’ll examine one of The Onion’s worst political predictions! Plus, coverage of digital music piracy, “Gigli” and Jean Teasdale’s favorite soap opera.
Not mentioned, but noteworthy: The Ryan Murphy show “Nip/Tuck” debuted 20 years ago this week. If any show reflected American narcissism and insecurity, it’s that one.
Mary-Kate tells Vanity Fair that Heath Ledger is her favorite “pretty-boy actor,” which feels weird considering how she was roped into his death.
When I Googled “Bill Keller 2003,” the top results were the NYT announcing his promotion and a February 2003 column where he discusses all the liberal hawks — including himself — making the Iraq war possible. Sen. Joe Biden is quoted! Make of that what you will.
This issue has so many news media mentions! Brooks is a distribution manager for the Bowling Green Sentinel-Tribune in Ohio, which means he was almost certainly laid off years later as print circulation declined.
Note the mention of animal cruelty — law enforcement has been interested in the link between crimes against animals and subsequent crimes against humans since at least the 1990s.