20 years ago, The Onion's Jean Teasdale mailed a care package to Iraq
The Onion covers Week 3 of the Iraq war and speculates about Mars and ghosts. Plus, Larry Groznic brags about his knowledge of Elvish.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit April 9, 2003.
The Onion went to the printers before Baghdad fell to U.S.-led forces on April 9, so that’s why you don’t see that news included here.
Welcome to new subscribers! This newsletter’s free because, well, I have enough jobs. This is a space to have fun and revisit The Onion’s glory days. If you’re new here, please sign up for the weekly email!
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 13, the 141st new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today. The image above is from the book “The Onion Ad Nauseam: Fanfare for the Area Man,” a compendium of print issues from late 2002 through late 2003.
The front-page headline “Saddam Misinterprets Anti-War Protest As Pro-Saddam” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
We’re in week three of the U.S. invasion of Iraq. The Onion did strong work, first with a nearly all-Iraq issue and the strong follow-up we covered last week. The only problem is timing — The Onion was a full week behind the invasion and Baghdad’s fall.
This week’s lead story is less about Iraq and more about the next invasion: “Bush Subconsciously Sizes Up Spain For Invasion.” It’s based on a real-life summit in the Azores between President George W. Bush and the leaders of the U.K., Spain and Portugal.
Bush is curious about Spain’s military strength and internal disputes, but he’s not well-informed. For example, while Bush knows about the Catalan and the Basque cultures, he doesn’t realize Spain’s king has limited powers and seems to think Spain is an oil power, not an olive oil power.
Bush’s line of questioning also worries Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar:
"There was something strange about his questions, although I cannot put my finger on it," Aznar said. "And he seemed very excited about the anti-government protests in Madrid a few days ago, until I told him they were protesting our involvement in the Iraq war."
I also like the bit about Bush doodling European invasion routes on a document.
This story is OK but falls into the “pretty good in 2003, forgettable 20 years later” category for me. That’s not an insult — we all can think of legendary Bush and Iraq stories, and even an average Onion story is still funny.
It doesn’t help that the Spanish government’s support for the war (against public opposition) led to the 2004 Madrid train bombings. Maybe if this story were about France or Germany, I’d find it funnier?
One thing I’ve liked about The Onion’s Iraq war coverage, starting in 2002, is how The Onion has so many kinds of jokes and story formats. Sometimes the stories are pure fantasy, like Bush on the front lines. The Onion isn’t afraid to make fun of the media, anti-war celebrities and Saddam himself.
And, of course, there are the direct attacks on the Bush administration — like calling out Bush’s invasion plans a year before they occurred.
“137 More Oil Wells Liberated For Democracy” is deeply political. The Onion calls bullshit on the U.S. government’s claim that oil isn’t a motivation for the war. Some humorists would be content with mere mockery. The Onion goes further by having Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld combine the public reason (democracy) with the private reason (oil) — and making oil wells sentient:
“It is crass and cynical to view this operation as being motivated by greed, profit, or the second-largest oil reserves in the Middle East. This war is motivated by one thing: democracy. Our military action is meant to provide all of Iraq's oil wells — be they big or small, staggeringly lucrative or merely very lucrative — with their God-given right to pump under a democratic system of self-governance."
Gen. Tommy Franks echoes the language of the Iraqi people choosing their own government, except by “people,” he means “oil wells”:
“They, like any other free oil well, have the basic, inalienable right to independent representational government and self-determination under their own rule. Every oil well deserves to choose how and when it wishes to produce oil, and for whose economic benefit."
So much of the article is real-life rhetoric, just with one or two words swapped out. That’s classic Onion joke-telling. I only wish the oil wells had been quoted.
It’s easy to make these jokes today. But I imagine this article was more difficult to write as the invasion happened in real time.
The Onion also comments on the war’s home front through beloved columnist Jean Teasdale.
“Jean Sings Of Chocolate And Cat Calendars At War” is classic Jean. You won’t be surprised that Jean is mailing the worst care package imaginable to her nephew (“an Army private first-class stationed in one of the Arabian countries”):
“After that, I added a bouquet of silk flowers. All right, all right, I know what you're thinking: "How could you do that to your nephew? When he pulls those flowers out of the box, his platoon will give him no end of grief!" That's where you're wrong. They're out in the desert where there's scarcely any vegetation. I'll bet you dollars to donuts that after all these weeks on the sand, those he-men in uniform are dying to see a flower right now.”
Jean also included a kitten calendar, water wings and hand puppets from the just-closed Zainy Brainy. Plus, she bakes brownies with these ingredients:
“chocolate, butter, eggs, flour, cream cheese, Karo syrup, molasses, peanut butter, coffee, orange-juice concentrate, Heath bars, and crushed peppermint candy.”
God bless Jean Teasdale. I wish we had a reaction from Nate and his fellow soldiers.
Other Iraq coverage included:
“Dow Up 300 After Deaths Of 400”: The stock market really did rally after the invasion, at least for a while.
“Wall Street And The War”: Weirdly, The Onion had items about the stock rally and about the stock market not rallying. Because it’s 2003, there’s also a mention of indoor smoking bans:
"Those jitters on Wall Street probably have more to do with New York's smoking ban than with the war."1
Melissa Arcero • Florist
“Geraldo Gets The Boot” reminded me that Geraldo Rivera was on the ground in Iraq 20 years ago, which I’d completely forgotten about and/or ignored.
I have no time for Geraldo, but I love these jokes. Who wouldn’t want to see a reporter wearing a War of 1812-style uniform? I also like that Geraldo drinks Tommy Franks’ coffee and promotes Fresca on air.
Of course, what Geraldo feature would be complete without mentioning his TV special with a vault?
Area People doing Area Things
“Mean Scientists Dash Hopes Of Life On Mars” was published a couple of months before NASA sent 2 rovers to Mars.
This is a very silly story, and that’s OK. The silliness is not so much about the scientists themselves (they seem very grounded) but what ordinary citizens seem to believe Mars is like:
The scientists' misanthropic announcement was made at an 11 a.m. press conference, which many in attendance thought was going to be about something exciting, such as the discovery of fossilized organisms on Mars or maybe even Martian cities, complete with Martian ranch houses, Martian hamburgers, and Martian sewer systems. Instead, the crotchety scientists cynically announced that radiation levels on the Red Planet's surface are too high to make possible the survival of living organisms.
This is just the latest gripe Americans have with NASA:
"They could be doing such exciting stuff, but they won't," Brooks said. "Rather than using the Hubble Space Telescope to prove the existence of black holes, we should be piloting a fusion-powered spacecraft straight into the heart of them, coming out the other side into a parallel universe populated by our evil, goatee-wearing doubles."
Again, very silly. But it’s a fun read.
Maybe The Onion wanted to be silly to offset the bummer of the Iraq war, as the other big article is “Suburban Home Haunted By Really Boring Ghosts.”
John and Beth Secora aren’t so much haunted by these ghosts — likely the previous occupants, who died of radon poisoning — as annoyed by them. The spirits like to mess with the thermostat, clip coupons, leave the fridge door ajar and leave notes about household chores — “cryptic messages left on the steamed-up bathroom mirror, including, ‘We're almost out of toilet paper.’”
Beth and John brought in a psychic, who successfully contacted the ghosts but failed to get rid of them.
"Something has to be done," Beth said. "It's like having a party guest that shows up too early and stays too late but doesn't drink and doesn't have anything to say. If we have to be haunted, the least they could do is toss some plates around or do something to liven things up."
This issue has a lot of underappreciated stories. Or, maybe more accurately, stories that I didn’t remember. This tale of boring ghosts is one of my favorites.
Finally, the front-page headline “Real Toy Used As Sex Toy” is an easy joke, but when you pair it with this photo, wow.
Other Area People stories include:
“Can The American Idol 2 Winner End Kelly Clarkson's Pop-Chart Dominance?”: Season 2 was ongoing and eventually won by Ruben Studdard, who defeated Clay Aiken.
“Office Manager Still Undecided About Sharpie Redesign”: Office managers are probably less common nowadays, but I miss the days when you could obsess over the finer points, pun intended, of the Twin Tip permanent marker.2
“Side Effects Sound Awesome”: The Onion picks a fictional drug, Nasonol, and pairs it with this quote:
"Dizziness, drowsiness, excitability, loss of motor function, irregular heartbeat, tingling sensations in the chest and sinuses—man, Nasonol's got it all," Henderson said.
“Girl From Coffee Shop Seen At Bar With Guy From Record Store”: Great headline. I only wish this were a longer article.
“Man Not Sure What To Do About Vet's Request For Dog-Urine Sample”: Dog owners, do you have this problem? Also, I like that the dog’s name is Sneakers.
Were the infographics good?
“Recent Product Recalls” is an uneven collection of random jokes. My favorite is the one in the illustration — “My Last Chemistry Set” is a great name, plus the shocked looks on those kids’ faces.
Maybe it’s just me, but I’m always amused when The Onion adds the ™ symbol to random phrases, as it does here with “Everfail” and "Perforated For Her Pleasure.”
“Spring-Cleaning Tips” has quite the photo above. These old lists are common in The Onion in 2023, except they’re annoying slideshows.
As someone who used to work with users of chewing tobacco, I enjoyed this one:
To eliminate hours of needless scrubbing, spit your chew into an old beer can rather than directly onto the floor.
There’s also this Martha Stewart joke, which is very 2003:
“You can pay inflated supermarket prices for bleach, or be like Martha Stewart and synthesize your own from chlorine particles extracted from sea water.”
Finally, this joke feels like a reality show waiting to happen:
Don't ever stop cleaning. Don't ever do anything else. Make it the basis for your entire identity. If someone criticizes either your cleaning or your cleaning-based lifestyle, yell "Oh, this house!" and run off crying.
What columnists ran?
“Don't Come Crying To Me When You Need Someone Who Speaks Elvish” is the latest column by Larry Groznic, who many readers have praised.
I didn’t really know about him before I started this newsletter. It’s been a delight to learn more about Larry, whose knowledge of arcane nerd culture is only surpassed by his snobbery. Here, he’s aghast that his friend doesn’t think J.R.R. Tolkien’s fictional Elvish language is worth learning.
Not learning Elvish isn’t just a choice for Larry. No, it’s a moral failing that extends to other fictional universes:
Frankly, Steven, given your current level of engagement, I'd be surprised if you could be bothered to study a crude, simple language like Klingon, with its guttural consonants and inelegant constructions.
You might think this harsh, but need I mention which of us once ran out into a freezing parking lot to obtain the autograph of John de Lancie? I know I'd promised to not bring it up again, but you seem to need reminding.
If it seems like I’m not offering much commentary in this issue, it’s for good reason. I’ve never watched “American Idol,” read Tolkien or seen the movies based on his books (except maybe one of the middle “Lord of the Rings” movies in college).
Anyways, I want to leave you with this passage, both because of the message board mention and because of a third fictional universe where Larry Groznic claims to be the expert:
Oh, and one other thing. As disappointed as I am, I would be crestfallen if I were to find out that the ProtoBaggins77 who's been posting lately on the Final Fantasy X board at GameFAQs3 is you. If you absolutely must go down that road, my former companion, I wish you would have at least chosen the superior FFVII, if not IV. At least then, I would know you were not beyond all hope.
What was the best horoscope?
I have 2 favorite horoscopes this week. I chose Taurus because every reference here was modern in 2003 but ancient in 2023:
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be requested by the President's Special Commission For The Study Of Television to hold the rabbit ears just like that until Guiding Light is over.
In 2011, I remember a younger co-worker being asked if she knew what “rabbit ears” were — as in the TV antennas. Instead, that co-worker replied, “You mean the dirty kind?”4
I also want to mention Gemini because of this delightful mix of highbrow and lowbrow cultural references:
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Most of the people who told you to "just believe in yourself" didn't realize that you think you're the illegitimate son of Osiris and the Michelin Man.
What holds up best?
“137 More Oil Wells Liberated For Democracy” is well-written, unafraid to mock authority and somewhat prescient.
I particularly like how The Onion took real-life government messaging about the invasion and twisted it to show the oil wells being liberated rather than the Iraqi people.
If you’re looking for a non-political Onion story, I’d recommend “Suburban Home Haunted By Really Boring Ghosts.” It feels like an “SNL” sketch but with better-written jokes.
What holds up worst?
“Side Effects Sound Awesome” is perfectly fine in isolation, but it feels out of touch in this era, given the opioid and fentanyl crises.
What would be done differently today?
The Onion covers politics and news so much these days. If the war were happening in 2023, I suspect there’d be even more Iraq coverage.
I also think we’d have more sports coverage in 2023. Just in the past couple of weeks, we’ve had the NCAA basketball tournaments, the Masters and the start of the baseball season, plus the end of the NBA regular season.
Thank you
I remain grateful to have y’all here.
Next week, The Onion digs into the nuances of the Iraq war, like supporting the troops unless they’re your old high-school classmates and Saddam’s weird flex about civilian casualties.
Plus, just in time for ChatGPT, we get a story about automation taking American jobs!
This wonderful story from 2003 talks to many affected New York City smokers, one who calls it “Stalinesque” and another who decides she’ll quit smoking, but not boys.
A 2003 blog post in real life also criticizes this Sharpie product.
GameFAQs is still going strong in 2023!
We did not follow up to learn exactly what “the dirty kind” was, but it can’t be safe for work.