20 years ago in The Onion, Bush was already bored with the Iraq war
20 years ago in The Onion, Bush was already bored with the Iraq war
Jackie Harvey reviews the 75th Oscars and maybe the most vapid reality TV show ever. Plus topical references to Nelly and Celine Dion.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit April 2, 2003.
Last week, we saw how The Onion revamped its website to make a special issue about the Iraq war. This week, the website is back to normal, but there’s plenty to talk about regarding the early days of the Iraq invasion.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 12, the 140th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today.
The front-page headlines “NBC Moves War To Thursdays After Friends” and “Grandfather Clocked” are no longer online. Solid one-liners, if a bit obvious.
Also, the April 2, 2003, horoscopes are no longer online. This is the 1st time I can remember that happening in 140+ issues. I’ve linked below to an Internet Archive copy.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I’ve been eager to dig into “Bush Thought War Would Be Over By Now.” My memory from 20 years ago is that there was media and/or blog impatience with the war’s progress — like, if Baghdad didn’t fall within 72 hours, something was wrong.
There’s some truth to this — Time magazine almost immediately had a story worrying the U.S. needing a battlefield Plan B, for example. But I suspect my memory is not flawless — the New York Times and CNN archives, for example, suggest a hyperfocus on U.S. casualties, but not any real worry about the Iraqi army.
The idea of President George W. Bush becoming immediately bored with the war does have comic potential, and that’s what The Onion embraces here:
"The first couple days were really exciting," Bush said. "I was having all sorts of cool strategy meetings with these high-level military men I don't usually talk to, and it all felt very historic. But now, it's gotten to be kind of a monotonous grind. It's always, 'The line has advanced this much.' 'We need to wait for backup here.' 'We're making good progress, but it's been complicated by blah blah blah.' It's all these tedious, same-sounding details. Can I hear something new for a change, like 'They surrender,' or 'Saddam's dead'? Something—anything but more stupid reports of sandstorms."
The sandstorm comment references the storms that slowed the U.S. advance in the early days of the war.
Bush also thinks his dad is disappointed in how slow the war is going.
This is a paint-by-numbers article. But I like how it’s more realistic after last week’s wonderful superhero soldier piece. I also like this paragraph:
"I haven't gotten more than seven hours of sleep a night since I gave Saddam the 48 hours," Bush said. "I thought I'd get to play a few games of golf when we went to Camp David two weekends ago, but we worked the entire time."
(Getting sleep is good! But I get that’s not the point of the joke.)
There’s a lot of Iraq coverage, but the other truly important article is “I Should Not Be Allowed To Say The Following Things About America,” which reminds me of the modern Onion tendency to be blunt and critical in its political coverage.
The Onion — always a free speech advocate — is clearly mocking the idea that, because of the war on terror, that we can’t speak our minds. As you’d expect, there are references to the Dixie Chicks and the Patriot Act. All of that comes through clearly and holds up today.
Some of the secondary points are less prophetic. The Onion correctly notes how the U.S. had already lost focus on Afghanistan, but the wording makes it sound like we evacuated 20 years ago instead of just recently:
And I certainly will not point out our rapid loss of interest in the establishment of democracy in Afghanistan once our fighting in that country was over. We sure got out of that place in a hurry once it became clear that the problems were too complex to solve with cruise missiles.
And there’s a rather vague reference to long-ago U.S. ambassador to Iraq April Glaspie, who many readers probably didn’t remember in 2003, much less now.
Then again, The Onion wasn’t trying to be placate anyone:
We shame the memory of Thomas Jefferson by daring to mention Bush's outright lies about satellite photos that supposedly prove Iraq is developing nuclear weapons.
The Onion sneaks in one more joke about suppressing speech in service of power, and that’s in the Scorpio horoscope:
You will continue to honor the great American democratic tradition of blindly trusting and obeying those you deem superior to yourself.
Even more Iraq coverage
Maybe you’ve forgotten how big a deal Nelly was. His 2000 debut sold 10 million copies, and 2002’s “Nellyville” sold over 6 million. That song’s signature hit, “Hot in Herre,” leads the article “Saddam Speech Suspiciously Mentions Nelly Song From Last Summer.”
The CIA suspects Saddam Hussein is releasing old videos to pretend he’s still in charge despite the invasion. Surprisingly, merely referencing “Hot in Herre” isn’t conclusive evidence:
"The 'hot in here' line has definitely raised some eyebrows," CIA director George Tenet said. "However, this may not prove anything: Even though that song is nine months old, you still hear people referencing its chorus all the time. It's even in the new Chris Rock movie
."
If you’re wondering, the actual hit song of 2003, 50 Cent’s “In Da Club,” was in the middle of its 9-week run at No. 1.
Saddam’s Achilles’ heel is his overreliance on American pop culture:
"In one section, Saddam vowed that he would crush Bush 'like Kelly Clarkson crushing the inferior Nikki McKibbin,'" Tenet said. "He then went on to praise his elite Republican Guard, saying that they 'will leave the Americans as bewildered as Ozzy Osbourne trying to operate a television remote control.'"
Saddam also mentions the infamous 2002 baseball all-star game, which ended in a tie.
This is silly, but I like it. And in this pre-YouTube era, these video releases from Saddam and Osama Bin Laden got a lot of attention.
Other Iraq stories include:
“Dolphins And The Military”: The U.S. Navy used dolphins to find underwater mines. I’m not surprised dolphins are good at this, ethical dilemmas aside. Also, I like this quote from a concerned citizen:
"I gave up canned tuna for the dolphins, and now they're just blowing them to shit?"
Melvin Adams • Electrician
“Network News Satellites Collide Over Iraq”: Space is huge, I know, but I guess I am surprised collisions don’t happen more frequently? Anyways, I like how one of the satellite accidents is MTV News and Oxygen. I guess everyone was reporting from the front lines.
“Government No Longer Even Bothering To Hide Halliburton Favors”: The Onion essentially wrote a sequel to this just 2 weeks ago, with Dick Cheney’s “What I Got Right About the Iraq War.”
“NBC Moves War To Thursdays After Friends”: Remember when NBC was a ratings leader but couldn’t find a show that could succeed in the post-”Friends” timeslot? Turns out we all had better things to do than watch “The Single Guy.”
Area People doing Area Things
“Soup-Kitchen Volunteers Hate College-Application-Padding Brat” might be the headline that has aged best. The college application process has only gotten more intense as students aim to show how much they’ve accomplished in their childhood.
The Onion is somewhat mean to this fictional student, but it captures the essence of that person who loves doing good but especially loves getting credit for doing good.
"This experience will be invaluable when I have to write my personal essay, which counts for a lot with Stanford," Malveaux said. "It's the kind of real-world growth experience that goes over huge with the admissions people. And, if I ever need a recommendation, there are several people here who I think I've bonded with enough to ask."
Naturally, the regular staff hate this guy, and even if that’s unfair, they recognize they’re being used. It doesn’t help that Malveaux mistook a staffer for a homeless person.
He’s also that type of “efficiency” obsessive who’s probably writing viral #productivity LinkedIn posts and laying off a lot of people:
"He's finally stopped asking me where I see myself in five years," Perkins said. "I honestly think he thought he was challenging me to ask myself questions I wouldn't ordinarily ask. Like people in my social strata aren't capable of introspection without the help of somebody better-educated."
I enjoyed “Former Employee Disappointed By Return-Visit Reception” for a few reasons. One, The Onion’s workplace satire is underrated —especially the early 2000s articles that show how Midwest industrial companies have just as much workplace drama as any big-city office tower.
I empathize with former Penn Packaging marketing analyst Len Neuwirth. You like to think your work friends are real friends. And they can be! But not always:
Neuwirth said he carefully planned his visit to be a surprise, hoping to maximize the impact of his triumphant return. Upon arriving at the office, Neuwirth asked new receptionist Darlene Cho, whom he had never met, to buzz Ted Arrington, one of his closest former coworkers. Neuwirth called Arrington's reaction "somewhat of a letdown."
Poor Neuwirth can’t even get lunch with his old co-workers because they’re all trying to complete a project. Another favorite co-worker is out sick.
This article continues to feel relevant today, as we spend so much time at work, and if you don’t have kids or an extended family, they might be the closest friends you have.
Other Area People stories include:
“Blind Date Pronounces Every Syllable Of Word 'Comfortable’”: This is great. The man also says “veg-e-ta-bles,” which is more egregious than sounding out “comfortable.”
“Hellmann's Heir's Conduct Unbefitting A Mayonnaise Magnate”: I wish this were a longer article, even if it’s just a reference to the Hilton sisters. Sadly, there’s no Hellmann’s heir, as the founder sold the brand in 1927.
“Second-Grade Class Has No Questions For Visiting Local Historian”: I love history, and especially did as a kid. However, asking questions about “immigrant-farmstead life in the 19th century” seems difficult for 7-year-olds.
“Football Fan Wears Off-Season Body Paint”: I love this joke and the (blurry) photo.
“DVD Contains 87 Minutes Of Previously Unseen Movie”: The photo is so blurry on today’s website that I can’t tell what film this is. Alas.
Were the infographics good?
“Celine In Las Vegas” was a big deal back then. The New York Times profiled the debut of her residency, in which someone lost her shoes between costume changes.
Are the jokes good? I mean, it’s not horrible. But notice how the jokes are mostly about her body and personal life rather than the Vegas residency (or Vegas itself).
Insult comedy is fine, but it’s not why The Onion is beloved.
As a longtime copy editor, I like the hyphenation of “Least-Visited Memorials.” The jokes are silly but pretty good. Poor forgotten Dodi Al Fayed.
Also, Orville Redenbacher has a statue as of 2012!
What columnists ran?
I love Hollywood columnist Jackie Harvey, and there are good moments in “I've Got Oscar (And War) Fever!” even if it’s not his best work.
Usually, Harvey gets names and facts wrong, but he’s mostly accurate here. He correctly names the Best Picture and Best Actress winners and the movie Julianne Moore was nominated for. Plus, he name-checks an actress I’d never heard of:
Out of respect for our troops, the dresses and tuxedos were a little more sedate, which was actually kind of nice. It reminded me of the glory days of the '40s and '50s, when you could see the likes of Agnes Moorehead and Kirk Douglas sitting in the crowd.
Agnes Moorehead received 4 Oscar nominations and was Endora on “Bewitched.” So … good job by The Onion in digging up historical facts?
Two things I want to leave you with. One is this incredibly deep one-liner:
That Jon Cusack is the thinking man's Matthew Broderick.
Two is the horrible reality show “Are You Hot?” — a real-life ABC show (clip here) that Jackie Harvey is surprisingly happy about:
Item! I'm not a big fan of reality TV, but I am simply head-over-heels for Are You Hot Enough To Be Chosen By America? This is gripping and sexy television. If you haven't seen it, it's like a beauty contest with laser pointers and frank commentary on body fat. By getting right to the nitty-gritty, judge Lorenzo Llamas is helping these women find ways to improve themselves. Now there's a real American hero.
Let’s move on.
“Prom-Planning Tips” is unsurprisingly crass and provocative. I did laugh at this joke:
Next to a bridesmaid dress, a prom dress is the most important dress you will ever wear.
Do 2023’s teens find this funny? Probably not, but it doesn’t help that they apparently don’t drink or have sex like previous generations.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope is Cancer, just because I’m always looking out for zombie jokes:
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your weekly visit to the cemetery goes bad when you tell your problems to your mom's grave just as the sarcastic zombies begin to rise.
What holds up best?
I love “Former Employee Disappointed By Return-Visit Reception,” but I could see arguments for other stories, including “Bush Thought War Would Be Over By Now.”
What holds up worst?
This horoscope is not that interesting and has a very old-fashioned gay joke.
Gemini | May 21 to June 21
You know those guys in Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert? The stars think those guys must be, like, gay.
What would be done differently today?
The Onion still has a lot of great political humor — some of it is very silly, like March 2023’s “Biden, Trump Die 2 Minutes Apart Holding Hands” and “D.C. Lobbyists Pay Senators 5 Bucks To Fight Each Other.” Other stories are serious and explicitly poltiical, like the Dick Cheney column I linked to above.
Unfortunately, The Onion has to churn out more content than 20 years ago. And so that means a lot of bland slideshows and lists like “Fox News Anchors Respond To Claims About Workplace’s Toxic Culture” and “Conservatives Define What ‘Woke’ Means To Them.”
These slideshows and lists might have good individual jokes, but they’re designed to rack up pageviews and confirm your ideological priors. I sympathize — online media is a tough business!
Thank you
Grateful to have y’all here. Let me know what you remember about the Iraq war and/or how The Onion covered it.
Next week, we’ll revisit more Iraq coverage, the famous Onion columnists Larry Groznic and Jean Teasdale, and much more.
I believe this film is “Head of State,” as “Hot in Herre” is on the soundtrack.
The Onion wasn’t alone — late-night monologues from the 1990s or 2000s mostly roasted people based on their age, body type and other personal attributes. At least at a Comedy Central roast, everyone agrees to be insulted like that!
The DVD is of the 2002 Dana Carvey bomb "Master of Disguise", in which Carvey disguises himself as a turtle, and likely other things, but no living soul remembers the film well enough to say.
I actually think the best joke (at least the one that made me laugh) is the “Senor Wences Intermittent Flame.”