The Onion made the Iraq War into a movie 20 years ago
The Onion made the Iraq War into a movie 20 years ago
We also have early Botox, Winona Ryder's infamous shoplifting, Sean Connery and home-brewing beer
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 13, 2002.
Thank you for indulging me last week in a lengthy discussion of “McDonald's Drops 'Hammurderer' Character From Advertising,” and a big thanks to Tyler Pounds in the comments for sharing the video clip of the Onion pitch meeting where the Hammurderer originated!
The video’s a great inside look at The Onion’s process, including talking about potential legal issues with mentioning McDonald’s.
You’ll also see short segments on The Onion’s approach to sensitive topics and the Onion’s considering of whether something “is actually offensive, or whether you’re making a point and having something to say.”
I also noticed a headline pitch for “Cool Dad Negligent In Funny Way,” and I wonder whether that eventually became 2004’s “Cool Dad A Terrible Father.”
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 09, the 95th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 94th issue of new content. There’s no record of the 2002 website on Internet Archive. We do have the website from 2012 and today.
The front-page headlines “Afro Secretly Poked” and “Appetite Rises Up Against Suppressant” are no longer online. The 2 headlines below are no longer accompanied by photos. The popcorn one is a clever observational joke; the Robin Williams one is less clever, but it’s always nice to see him.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
20 years ago, we were about 1 year away from the start of the war in Iraq, but the idea was already percolating.1
“Military Promises 'Huge Numbers' For Gulf War II: The Vengeance” is The Onion weighing in on the national discussion in a big way. It’s a return to the late 2001 issues, which focused extensively on the post-9/11 world.
This article is premised on warfare being a movie, which makes sense considering that the Persian Gulf War was the CNN war. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld says that the original production’s villain, Saddam Hussein, won’t be allowed to escape this time. The special effects will also be better, Rumsfeld says, and this could turn into a long-running franchise.
"The budget for Gulf War II: The Vengeance is somewhere in the neighborhood of $85 billion," Rumsfeld continued. "And every penny of it is up there on your screen."
Joint Chief of Staff leader Gen. Richard Myers2 makes vague “Star Wars” allusions while discussing the plot and the “pre-shooting” already occurring:
"I don't want to give away too much, but let's just say you're likely to see a few familiar faces pop up," Myers said. "I will say that the son of one of the key characters in the first one, back then just a boy, is now all grown up and ready to take his rightful place at the head of the alliance."
Like any good Hollywood production, there’s merchandising, with Topps already signed to an exclusive deal with the Pentagon. “The Pentagon has also signed Dan Rather to a two-cry deal,” The Onion reports.
In real-life 2022, there’s been some discussion about why Ukrainians are getting so much sympathy when war-torn peoples from other countries have not. The Onion touches on this idea, again from the perspective of Hollywood marketing:
"We were disappointed by our numbers in Bosnia," Rumsfeld said. "That particular conflict played primarily to an art-house crowd. Your mainstream audiences didn't connect with the complexities of the centuries-old ethnic clash you had going there. But this time, we feel we've got something very accessible that will play in Peoria. I mean, how can you go wrong with an 'Axis of Evil'?"
These stories can be tricky to review 20 years later because we know what happened, and that influences our judgment.
Here, The Onion is correctly predicting the Iraq War of 2003, but if the writing were bad, it wouldn’t be much of an accomplishment. Likewise, if The Onion 20 years ago was mocking people for thinking President George W. Bush would invade Iraq, even the best joke-writing would read poorly today.
That said, this is a strong article construction — the Hollywood movie and foreign policy elements are mixed seamlessly.
Other real-life news
“Scotland More Relaxed When Sean Connery Is Away” really made me laugh. Connery is off to Morocco for a film, which was almost certainly “The League of Extraordinary Gentleman” — the film that drove Connery to retirement.
“The Andrea Yates Trial” is about the mother who drowned her 5 children3. The jokes are not bad, but why make jokes at all?
“New U.S. Currency Expires If Not Spent In Two Weeks” highlights the Treasury Department for the 2nd time in 3 weeks. Secretary Paul O’Neill was absent last time but is quoted here about “QuikCash.”
“Man Can't Get Police To Care About His Bob Crane Murder Theory” is a foreshadowing of America’s obsession with weird murder. Bob Crane is admittedly, a fascinating example of living different public and private lives.
Area People doing Area Things
“Sociology 101 Assignment Stretched To Incorporate '70s Punk Rock” combines The Onion’s excellent writing on college with its staffers’ love of 1970s rock music — and apparently one staffer’s deep knowledge of Émile Durkheim.
Our protagonist, University of Missouri freshman Justin Hoyer, has written a paper titled “No Future: U.K. Punk And The Philosophy Of Émile Durkheim.” Durkheim is a French sociologist who died in 1917 and coined terms like “collective consciousness.”
Hoyer loves to write about his interests rather than follow assignments, according to roommate Andy Avallone:
"Any assignment he gets, he finds a way to turn it into a discussion of whatever he's into at the time. Snowboarding, old black-and-white horror movies, The Simpsons, the legalization of marijuana—you name it, he's fit it into a paper."
According to teaching assistant Craig Basile, this is better than most rock-related essays but doesn’t really talk about Durkheim, even when it could be relevant:
"Look here on page 6. This long section on the anti-societal statements punks made by wearing torn clothing and dyed hair is an obvious place to work in something about Durkheim's distinction between societies maintaining mechanical versus organic solidarity," Basile said. "But instead, he just keeps hammering home the same point about Malcolm McClaren's 'Sex' shop."
(That quote includes a typo — it’s “McLaren.”)
“Item Found In Garbage To Be Turned Into Lamp Someday” is about a 24-year-old college dropout. Joe Lennek is deep on enthusiasm but short on actual knowledge. For instance, “he has never made a lamp before and lacks electrical-wiring experience.”
He also has an alarming number of off-the-street possessions:
"He drags useless crap home all the time," housemate Jeffrey Worthen said. "There's an entire box of doll limbs and torsos under the kitchen table. He kept saying he was gonna glue them all to his chair and make some kind of Texas Chainsaw Massacre throne, but that still hasn't happened. Neither has the chair made out of wooden wine cases that he was so excited about last summer."
This is a great use of The Onion’s “reporting” on mundane things. The complaints from housemates are funny (and justified), and Lennek’s excuses are elaborate.
“Study Finds Sexism Rampant In Nature” is meant to be silly, although it’s easy to imagine how this provoke angry responses. I’ve combined the 2 photos above, but the captions are The Onion’s.
Many animals’ sexist hierarchies are discussed, including ring-neck pheasants, moose, Galapagos tortoise, foxes, spiders, tigers and chickens.
"The sexist attitude that child-rearing is 'women's work' is prevalent throughout nature and has been for generations, probably since reptiles first developed mammalian characteristics in the Triassic period," Tannen said. "Sadly, most creatures never pause to challenge these woefully outdated gender roles."
The Onion goes after many targets here, including academics and American culture warriors. The commonality throughout is that everybody believes that animals think exactly like humans:
The UCSD study is not without its detractors. Glen Otis Brown, author of Forced To Strut: Reverse Sexism In The Animal World, countered that male animals are victims of "the beauty myth" as much as females.
The story also highlights female-rights advocate Annie Secunda, who built lighted walkways in the dense Amazon and distributed informational pamphlets to female animals. Surprisingly, neither of these tactics worked.
Other “Area People” stories this week:
“Home-Brewing Phase Comes To Long-Overdue Conclusion” is still funny today, but there are also way more people brewing beer — and doing it well.
“Olympic Skier Stares Down Icy, Forbidding Slope Of Rest Of Life” is about a fictional Olympian but accurately describes the deflation of going from international acclaim to being a rando.
Were the infographics good?
It’s easy to forget Botox was initially promoted as a medical benefit, which is the angle “Botox And Beyond” takes by naming fictional and real medical conditions, including trending topics like mad cow and Ebola.
I was genuinely surprised that this wasn’t a bunch of jokes about celebrities.
“What Will We Eventually Get Around To Bringing In From The Car?” is a grab-bag of jokes, and I laughed at most of them, even though I had to Google the musical act Yaz. The station wagon is a nice touch.
My favorite? “437 Wendy’s Big Bacon Classic wrappers” is a great example of a joke in which every single word serves a purpose.
What columnists ran?
I’ve spent thousands of words on Hollywood columnist Jackie Harvey, who has enthusiasm but not a lot of accuracy. “Shame On You, Wynonna Rider” offers both qualities just in the headline.
Amazingly, Harvey correctly names two obscure Winona Rider movies but puts her in the wrong “Alien” movie.
He also spends time talking about such 2002 pop culture moments as Australia’s dominance of Hollywood, Rosie O’Donnell coming out of the closet, Lance Bass preparing to fly into outer space, Russia fixing the 2002 Olympic figure skating finals and the Colin Hanks-Jack Black movie “Orange County.” (Black is called “Blackjack”)
My favorite part about Jackie Harvey is how many details he gets wrong. Here are just a few:
Misspells Baz Luhrmann’s name and calls his film not “Moulin Rouge” but “Lady Marmalade.”
“The Lord of The Rings” is “The Fellow's Ring,” which is a slight improvement from January 2002’s “Episode One: The Ring's Fellows.”
Misnames Dick Clark’s “The Other Half” competitor to “The View,” as well as getting Danny Bonaduce’s name wrong and confusing Mario Lopez for Dustin Diamond.
Ryan Phillippe and “Legally Blonde” star Reese Witherspoon are Ryan Fillapay, “The Blonde Lawyer” and Mason Reese, respectively.
Harvey writes: “I used to be a huge figure-skating fan, but that love was wounded when Nancy Harding got her legs broken by that other lady in 1992.”
Harvey also offers a trivia question, although we never get the answer:
“What do Cybil Shepperd, Martin Landau, and a macaroon have in common?”
Our other column is “It Was The Eighth Subscription Card That Convinced Me,” which is immediately recognizable to anyone who’s picked up a magazine and had those cards fall out of the pages.
Our columnist shares that the 1st 4 subscription cards were ignored, but the 5th card sparked initial interest that only grew with the 6th, 7th and 8th cards. This reader also comments on the various ways “54% OFF!” is displayed on each card.
The 8th card was securely attached to the magazine, not loose. But that wasn’t the only difference:
The opportunity to save 54 percent off the newsstand cover price was still there. So was the exciting free-video offer. Only this time, the card was bright yellow, not orange, and the words "Subscribe Now And Save!" were emblazoned across the top in red.
This is a deep dive into something really mundane, and it’s exactly the sort of thing The Onion’s great at writing.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Aries, mostly because it’s such a movie plot.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Though everything seems to be going fine between you and your love interest, you will be stricken with cancer to create dramatic tension in the third act.
What holds up best?
“Military Promises 'Huge Numbers' For Gulf War II: The Vengeance” feels almost prescient now, but it’s also tough to tell whether it’s a classic or just accidentally correct. It’s a good article, but the best?
“Olympic Skier Stares Down Icy, Forbidding Slope Of Rest Of Life” holds up well in describing how difficult retirement for athletes can be, but it’s not especially funny.
I think I’ll go with “Item Found In Garbage To Be Turned Into Lamp Someday,” which is funny, well-written and very descriptive. Plus this guy’s lack of follow-through can make me feel better about not using COVID to develop new hobbies (other than this newsletter?).
What holds up worst?
Making jokes about the Andrea Yates tragedy feels ghoulish today.
What would be done differently today?
The Onion’s willingness to question government narratives lives on with this week’s “U.S. Condemns Russian Bombing Of Hospital As Horrific Act That Any World Power Could Theoretically Commit.”
There’s no Jackie Harvey equivalent today, which is a shame, but all those columnists are from a different era. If there’s one thing the internet doesn’t lack, it’s commentary.
Thank you
I’m eternally grateful to have y’all here reading all of these many, many words.
Next week, we go way back into time — Al and Tipper Gore being married, Slobodan Milosevic, the Symbionese Liberation Army and Gene Shalit. Plus, we have a rare treat — my favorite columnist, Smoove B. See you next week.
Thanks for the shoutout but that was actually Tim Herrod
"... but why make jokes at all?" It's how people deal with adversity. Those who are dismayed by humor are wound too tight, and would benefit from higher doses.