20 years ago, The Onion mocked Dolph Lundgren
Plus, the 2004 presidential race, a visit to T.G.I. Friday's, frat problems at online universities and a column by Jackie Harvey.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Aug. 25, 2004.
A few housekeeping notes:
Welcome to everyone who came from my old colleague and friend Sean McMahon’s While You Were Working newsletter! I’m grateful to him, and to you. A heads-up: This is a very long newsletter! You don’t need to read every word. I provide links to all the articles and infographics, as my primary goal is to ensure you can access The Onion’s work.
If you don’t know about the While You Were Working newsletter, it’s a great p.m. digest for the end of your workday. Check out the most recent issue and sign up!
The Onion will publish monthly print issues and is discounting subscription delivery through Aug. 31.
I reacted to The Verge’s in-depth interview with 2 Onion executives.
This week, we’re revisiting The Onion’s mocking of Dolph Lundgren, checking in on the 2004 presidential campaign, getting a new column by Jackie Harvey and much, much more.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 34, the 206th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004 and 2014. Unfortunately, the website redesign has (temporarily?) broken the archive pages for old print issues.1
The front-page image is from the 2005 book “Embedded in America,”2 showcasing The Onion’s print work from late 2003 to late 2004.
There are 2 front-page headlines that are no longer online.3 These both delight me:
“Wife Embarrasses Husband In Front Of Prostitute”
“Photoshop Actually Bought”
Google has no record of the prostitute joke today, but the Photoshop one pops up occasionally — forum discussions in 2004 and 2010, as well as a 2008 essay on pirating Microsoft products.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
In 2004, The Onion published a print newspaper and posted those jokes on the website. There was no “online-only” content until Ronald Reagan’s death, which I chronicled in June.
In mid-August 2004, The Onion made a 2nd exception, publishing a “2004 Election Guide.” Almost everything on this page is previously published material, with the exception of this illustration:
The Onion’s website made this feature look like an ad (see below), which is why I missed it last week.
My challenge in the coming years will increasingly be figuring out what articles are web-only or print-only, as The Onion expanded its coverage (not to mention video starting around 2007). That’s OK! It’s part of the job.
In the print edition, The Onion’s political coverage started with “Kerry's Face Droops With Joy Over Latest Polls,” acknowledging Sen. John Kerry’s polling advantage in key swing states like Florida, Nevada, Iowa, Tennessee and Missouri (all of which he lost in November).
The Onion also covered the upcoming “Republican National Convention.” These jokes are perfectly fine but offer no surprises. “Massive, well-choreographed effort to make Republican politicians look like normal Americans” might get published in 2024.4
Other political jokes in this issue include:
“Swing States Roughed Up By Bush, Kerry Operatives”: I love this headline, even if the jokes are basic mob references. The article says there were 22 swing states in 2004, versus only 10 this year.
“The Widening Income Gap”: The Onion talked to people about 2003’s increase in income inequality. This ages surprisingly well — consider the jokes about violent wealth redistribution and not trusting government data. Unfortunately, the 4th response is missing a few words on today’s website. Here’s the full quote:
“If this keeps up, I might finally be able to hire myself a white maid.”
Gary Wundrow • Systems Analyst
OK, let’s talk about the actual top story
God bless The Onion for ignoring all the real-life news in late August 2004 to focus on anthropomorphizing fish.
If you ever wondered how fish react to bait, “Shiny, Wriggling Object Attracting Interest Among Fish Community” is the article for you:
“The luminous, gray-dappled exterior of this dipping and jogging object is so captivating that trout, bass, bluegill, and even members of the normally indifferent carp population are drawn to its undulant movement,” said a 67-day-old yellow perch who has lived in the Brule all his life.
The perch added: “No one’s sure what it is, but it certainly has our attention.”
The setting is the real-life Brule River in Wisconsin, known for its fishing. In The Onion’s telling, the shiny object is 3 adult crickets. The buzz started with the “coarse” bass and spread to the “cautious” trout. Now, the walleyed pike and the black crappie are fascinated, according to interviews they gave to The Onion.
It’s important to remember that The Onion is essentially Watership Down-ing these fish.
The fish don’t recognize bait but somehow have folklore warning them of danger:
“No one will soon forget the example set by that perch a couple years ago. Why, they say he brashly ignored the elders’ repeated warnings about suspiciously colored worms, and he hasn’t been seen since.”
Read the whole thing. Delightfully stupid yet clever all at once.
Real-life people and places
Online universities have become a normal part of American higher education, but in 2004 they were closer to “what the hell is this?” “Online University Cracks Down On Rowdy Online Fraternity” focuses on Capella University, which was relatively well-established yet only started offering bachelor’s degrees 4 years earlier.
This article is a standard frat article, but with everything moved online. It’s also a time capsule of late 1990s/early 2000s internet. The fictional fraternity Alpha Sigma Sigma is blamed for:
webcam-based hazing
Illegal purchases from Wine.com
Making QuickTime videos and Windows Media Video files (such as “LadiesOfCapella.wmv”)
Damaging the school’s Epinions rating
Sending around a video of (fictional) college President Sandra McIntyre falling into a swimming pool
Wasting thousands of dollars in bandwidth fees
“illicit co-ed chatroom parties” (see below)
The University of Phoenix makes an appearance:
Then, in the spring of 2003, fraternity members hacked into the web site of rival University of Phoenix Online, erased its mascot, and placed a downloaded version on their own web site. Although no one was ever charged with the theft of the copyrighted clip art, the online fraternity was warned that further misbehavior would result in serious disciplinary action.
I’ve written about The Onion’s occasional Luddite tendencies, but this isn’t one of them. I love how The Onion takes a reasonable premise (online schooling is just like in-person schooling) and takes it to an absurd place.
There’s almost certainly some “Animal House” in here, such as the character of Peter "Mosaic" Hoyle, who’s been a Capella student since 1994.
“T.G.I. Friday's Given One Last Shot” is the customer version of 2000’s “Welcome To T.G.I. Fridays! May I Annoy The Living Shit Out Of You?”
Nate Greisberg is so disappointed by T.G.I. Friday’s that he considers Applebee’s a clearly superior option:5
“It’s always something,” Greisberg said, sighing heavily. “Sometimes, the waitress rubs me the wrong way. Then another time, the service is great, but I’m stuck next to a table full of frat guys. I’d never choose the place if I was picking. I’d either go to the diner near my house or Applebee’s.”
Greisberg’s worst experiences with the restaurant have included sitting near a bachelorette party, and waiting more than an hour for his food during a dinner rush.
I love the brainpower he’s wasting on T.G.I. Friday’s. Greisberg has polled his friends about the restaurant, shares multiple stories of past visits and even weighs in on the T.G.I. Friday’s bar (acceptable) versus the dining room (bad).
Ultimately, this article’s greatest achievement is that none of it matters. Greisberg will go to T.G.I. Friday’s, and he will like it, according to friend Tom Hazen:
“Nate’s always saying stupid shit like this,” Hazen said.
…
“Well, Friday’s is where we hang out,” Hazen added. “He’s going to have a much lighter social calendar if he refuses to come with. I would recommend that he think his decision through very seriously.”
I love the headline and premise “Dolph Lundgren Wins Long, Courageous Battle Against Fame,”6 but I was briefly worried. Was The Onion going to be unnecessarily cruel to Lundgren?
Turns out, nope. He’s mocked for losing his celebrity status, rather than for something serious or meaningful. And it’s doubly funny considering his 2010s revival, which is likely over after the poor performances of “Expend4bles” and “Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom.”
Here’s the wild part: This article is written as if Lundgren bravely fought cancer. As “fellow fame survivor” Chazz Palminteri says:
“Dolph thought he had it under control,” longtime friend and fellow fame survivor Chazz Palminteri said. “Maybe it was because so many people close to him were similarly afflicted—his girlfriend Grace Jones… fellow non-native English speaker Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
…
“But even at the height of it, Lundgren refused to stop fighting,” Palminteri said. “Finally, he made some very important choices about his life, and as a direct result, things began to turn around.”
Palminteri was likely referring to the rumors of Lundgren’s mid-’90s participation in a controversial Hollywood treatment—it is said that, in the hope of preventing the further spread of fame, Lundgren took massive doses of B-movies.
I did not realize Chazz Palminteri was the Dolph Lundgren-whisperer.
Area People doing Area Things
Every week, The Onion featured “Area Man” headlines in the style of a local newspaper. This week’s includes “Child Buried In Backyard Under Popsicle-Stick Cross,” one of the darkest jokes in all of 2004.
Other Area People jokes include:
“Customer Service Operator Safely In Remote Location”: This is almost as dark, with The Onion predicting the U-Haul rep’s imminent murder.
“CEO Spends 30 Percent Of Earnings Staying Out Of Jail”: I like the last line: “In addition to losing 30 percent off the top each year, Burdick spends 5 percent of his income on taxes.”
“Salad Rendered Unhealthy In Three Steps”: This person adds “ranch dressing, grated cheese, and four crumbled strips of bacon.” (I don’t love a lot of stuff on my food, but this sound pretty good!)
“Prizes On Price Is Right Looking Better As Man Ages”: What feels outdated is what this 35-year-old envies — namely, “a dinette set and a china cabinet.” I know multiple older people who have recently complained that no one will take — much less buy — this type of furniture.
Were the infographics good?
The front-page infographic on Aug. 25, 2004, was “What Are We Spending Our Disaster Relief On?” Making fun of hurricane relief feels very much like a pre-Katrina premise.
I like the illustration of the Florida lottery game “Hurricane Jumbo Bucks.” The joke “Private eye to track down kitchen” is very stupid, but it’s funny to imagine.
What columnists ran?
In the 2000s, many of The Onion’s columns were essentially one long joke. That was the point — bludgeoning you with the premise in ever-creative and evolving ways.
In “Well, Those White House Security Guards Certainly Were Rude,” tour guest Marjorie Lamot can’t imagine that any Secret Service rule would apply to her. And she’s happy to share her infractions.
For example, Lamot assumes she can go upstarts and find a bathroom:
Before I got halfway up the stairs, five men had surrounded me. They wouldn’t even let me go do my business before they led me into some little side room and asked me a bunch of questions. When I reached into my pocket for a Kleenex, a guard grabbed my arm like I was a common criminal. Grabbed my arm right there! Can you imagine being treated like that? I told him, “I am a taxpayer, so this is my house, too!”
She’s also astonished that she can’t move freely around Lincoln’s bedroom, run her fingers over presidential portraits or take flash photography despite an explicit prohibition.
I’ll agree with one of her complaints: My West Wing tour years ago couldn’t go inside the Oval Office, either. That was a bummer.
Lamot is so mad that she’s willing to change her vote in November!
You know, I was going to vote for President Bush again, but after this, I might think twice.
Our other columnist is Jackie Harvey, who covers entertainment in the style of Larry King’s old USA Today columns, only with many typos and factual errors.
Harvey’s columns are always a window into pop culture. In “What's Hot Besides The Weather? Find Out Here!” Harvey is declaring the “hot” items of 2004 — perhaps intentionally invoking Paris Hilton’s “That’s hot” catchphrase from this era.
Harvey’s “hot” items include the Olympics, video games, surprise parties, Tom Cruise, Entourage and “Dave Sharpelle.” Amazingly, many of these are relevant in summer 2024!
Do you know what the hot new entertainment thing is? Video games. According to my research, the little quarter-munchers are really hot again, and they’re making as much money as movies. But I don’t know if I buy that—no computer can replace a good old-fashioned movie.
I’m always astonished when Harvey gets something right, like correctly identifying American javelin thrower Breaux Greer. But what’s more fun is examining what he gets wrong. My 2 personal favorites? Mixing Lindsay Lohan and Willy Loman in “Lindsay Loman,” and this entire paragraph:
Hot Toiletry! As soon as I’m done with my stick of Arid XX, I’m going to break into the five-pack of Mitchum Gel I bought at the Price Club, on sale for $7. Who can pass up a deal like that? Plus, I love supporting Robert Mitchum and his wife Lady Mitchum. I hope it works, since I’m going to be using it for the next year.
Read the whole thing for even more slightly incorrect gossip.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Capricorn, for accurately predicting the NHL lockout that canceled the 2004-05 season.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
There may not even be an NHL season this year, so it won’t make a ripple when you nearly kill a guy with a hockey stick.
What holds up best?
This is always subjective, but “Dolph Lundgren Wins Long, Courageous Battle Against Fame” is brilliantly executed. Like, it’s really hard to start with a “person dies of cancer” article, but then change enough words to make it a satire of washed-up actors.
“Salad Rendered Unhealthy In Three Steps” also feels very relevant.
What holds up worst?
“Republican National Convention” is fine, but who cares about this 20 years later?
What would be done differently today?
With The Onion’s new ownership and all the changes, this section has become difficult to write. A few months ago, I would have said more political jokes, less “Area Man” humor and many unfunny slideshows. But the slideshows have been banished! And there’s a new energy about the publication.
I’m very curious how the print edition will look. It’ll be monthly, not weekly, so I hope that means more old-style jokes and less trying to riff on yesterday’s news.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others! Writing this newsletter takes time, but it’s some of the best hours of my week.
We’ll be back next week with more RNC coverage, Al-Jazeera, Michael Jackson’s upcoming trial, and a father who refuses to accept clinical depression as an excuse. See you then!
The redesign has accidentally deleted captions from all the photos. On the plus side, The Onion has fixed a display issue with the horoscopes that I highlighted last week.
I may get commissions for purchases made through links in this post, including that one.
The Onion has redesigned its website many, many times. A 2013 revamp got rid of headlines that didn’t have a permanent URL — namely, front-page headlines that didn’t contain a photo or additional text. For Vol. 40, Issue 34, you can see those headlines at the bottom of the November 2012 archive, but not in the June 2013 archive.
I don’t love these chain restaurants, but they’re fine. Anthony Bourdain defended Marilyn Hagerty, the old woman who reviewed Olive Garden (and is still writing at 98!), and that’s good enough for me.
The woman with Lundgren is Dale Bozzio, with this photo purportedly from the 1986 premiere of Disney’s “Captain EO” at Epcot Center.
OK, new reader here - love this, all of it.
This is not anyone's job to track down, but I swear to God that a couple of decades ago, the Onion had a throwaway joke about Celine Dion. It might have been in an infographic. But it included a phrase similar to "her leathery mongoose-like appeal". Now, I have nothing against Dion - her voice is great, I sympathize with her recent health troubles. But the line stuck with me, and I've used it so many times for so many things for so many years, and now I cannot find it online. It may be lost to history. I may be misremembering a particular of it. But anyway.
I sure wish I had kept some of the print copies I got in the mail back in the late 90s or early aughts.