20 years ago in The Onion, Bush decorated the Oval Office
20 years ago in The Onion, Bush decorated the Oval Office
Remember Gov. Jim McGreevey? That Metallica documentary/therapy session? "Pimp My Ride"? All these cultural touchstones are here this week
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Aug. 18, 2004.
The Onion redesigned its website this week and is bringing back print! Being The Onion, it made fun of this news with “Nation Wary Of Suddenly Usable Website.”
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 33, the 205th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004 and 2014. Unfortunately, the website redesign broke the existing archive pages for each issue — although those were very incomplete, often missing multiple articles.
The front page photo above is from the 2005 book “Embedded in America,”1 showcasing The Onion’s print work from late 2003 to late 2004.
No longer online are the excellent front-page headlines “Cat Taught Not To Sleep In Wok” and “Drywall Worker Plastered.”
The website redesign has some quirks — there are no captions on many of the old photos, and the horoscopes pages don’t have the signs listed. Website redesigns are tough! There’s always cleanup, and I expect they’ll fix these and other issues relatively soon.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Homosexual Tearfully Admits To Being Governor Of New Jersey” is about Jim McGreevey, who was elected in 2001 after narrowly losing 4 years prior. On Aug. 12, 2004, he held a press conference to announce that he was gay, had had an affair with a former (male) aide, and would resign the governorship.
That’s already a lot to absorb. But it’s much weirder — McGreevey had multiple scandals, including hiring that aide to what seemed like a fake job. The alleged paramour denied sleeping with McGreevey, instead saying he was sexually harassed! Since then, McGreevey has gotten divorced, tried and failed to become an Episcopalian priest, and plans to run for mayor of Jersey City, N.J., in 2025!
The word choice of “homosexual” feels increasingly behind the times in 2004 than, say, 1999 or 2000. The New York Times and CNN used “gay,” as did NJ.com. McGreevey himself said he was “a gay American.”
Obviously, gay marriage was a hot-button issue in 2004, including in the presidential election. The Onion asked people on the street about “Gay Marriage In San Francisco” after the state Supreme Court invalidated 4,000 gay marriages in the city.
I like this comment:
“I had five weddings to attend in October, but now it’s only three. That doesn’t seem like much less, but believe me, it really helps.”
Jan Gorman • Choreographer
The actual top story is also political, but a sillier, almost pre-9/11 vibe: “Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just The Way He Wants It.”
Bush has secured only the best products from Jennifer Convertibles, the Baseball Hall of Fame, Crutchfield, Successories and more. There’s a game-used Sammy Sosa bat, a minbar and a bearskin rug (a gift from Vice President Dick Cheney).
Bush made the Oval Office more of a man cave than a solemn workplace:
“When we first got here, Laura had the office done in peach sage, and putty or something,” Bush said, moving a large Texas-shaped ashtray from the glass coffee table and putting his feet up. “She had all this old-lady furniture all over the place. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice, but it looked like an Ethan Allen showroom or a waiting room or something. It wasn’t a room that made you want to relax.”
The Onion quotes real-life White House curator William Allman, who notes that Bush threw out the famous “Resolute” desk.
The Onion largely moved away from these “Bush is goofy” stories after 9/11 and the Iraq War, which is understandable. But they’re often the ones I prefer to read 20 years later because they’re less topical and more ridiculous.
The Onion commented less on the Patriot Act and other post-9/11 security measures than you might remember. But occasionally you got something like “Local Sheriff Suspects Al-Qaeda Or Teens,”2 which manages to mock security theater, small towns and local crime in a manner akin to that “Parks and Rec” episode “Greg Pikitis.”
One notable twist here: Virgil “Butch” Steinhorst really was the sheriff of Sauk County, Wis., from 1988-98 — and he was still alive in 2004.
The Onion’s version of Steinhorst notes that “goth kids” and Al-Qaeda lack “any respect for the law”:
“We believe the yield signs were removed in order to disrupt traffic patterns, most likely to cause an accident,” Steinhorst said. “The party responsible for the crime could be anyone from suspected terrorist Ahmad Ibrahim Al-Mughassil, who is on the FBI’s most-wanted list, to that Fairman kid and his buddies. It could be the work of one or the other. Possibly both, though I have to say I doubt that.”
The Onion notes that Steinhorst gets regular intel on these 2 crime organizations — one from the Department of Homeland Security, the other from the local principal. He’s also working shorthanded because 2 of his deputies are indisposed.3
Thankfully, he’s ruled out terrorism for someone burning “2005 Rules” into the football field’s grass.
Other political items in this newsletter include:
“Republicans Outraged By Inaccuracies In Metallica Documentary”: The “Some Kind of Monster” documentary came out in July 2004 and was made from 715(!) days of footage. House Speaker Dennis Hastert is mad that “they have given the general public a false impression that Metallica still kicks ass.”
“State Bird Reconsidered After Latest Wren Attack”: Hey, it’s Gov. Mark Sanford before his own gubernatorial scandal! I love the attention to detail:
“Sanford advised anyone hearing the wren’s cries of “tea-kettle, tea-kettle” to run for cover immediately.”
Area People doing Area Things
“Naughty Baker's Diminished Sex Drive Starting To Affect His Work” is a truly inspired headline. Erotic baker Kevin Nageli owns the store Naughty Bites in, surprisingly, Grand Forks, N.D., where apparently there’s enough demand for erotic cake writing to run a successful shop.
However, Nageli is in a rut, in part because he is now a father of 2 whose mother-in-law moved in with him. The Onion talks to a former erotic baker who had similar issues with “classic burnout.”
I like how this article is a straightforward tale of the stress that comes with running a small business while trying to raise a family. Except that in this case, most of the story is so explicit that I don’t dare quote it in an email.
I also love how, in this universe, he has no awareness of regular cake writing:
“I realize most of my customers would prefer cakes that said ’Eat Me’ instead of ’Maybe Later, Baby,’” Nageli said. “But maybe there’s a hidden, untapped novelty pastry market for people just like me.”
“America's Sweetheart Dumps U.S. For Some Douchebag” seems to be kind of a response to Kirsten Dunst following up “Spider-Man 2” with the British film “Wimbledon”?
Above, The Onion did some atrocious Photoshopping of this image from the UK premiere of “Spider-Man 2.” The article, in an extremely early-2000s fashion, is eager to make gay jokes about Dunst’s new boyfriend:
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Americans gathered Monday to discuss their feelings of heartbreak, anger, and resentment toward America’s sweetheart Kirsten Dunst, after the film star broke up with the U.S. to be with some douchebag that everyone thought was gay.
In this story, Dunst’s new boyfriend isn’t American or British; he’s fictional Portuguese shipbuilding magnate Gilberto Nunes:
“I never would’ve thought she’d be fooled by some Eurotrash pretty-boy gaylord with six-pack abs and a 100-foot yacht,” Nashua, NH resident James Westerly said. “If we’d known that was what she wanted, we would have dyed our hair and bought her a bunch of expensive presents. But I always assumed our relationship was deeper than that. I really thought the U.S. and Kirsten Dunst were soulmates.”
The Onion talks to Americans all over the country who are devastated, seeking closure and even angry about Dunst’s Aug. 11 betrayal. Dunst defends herself, noting that the title of America’s Sweetheart can be fleeting:
Continued Dunst: “It’s not like America has never changed its mind. Do I need to mention a certain woman named Julia Roberts? Or Meg Ryan, while I’m at it? If you ask me, America doesn’t know what it wants.”
Other Area People items include:
“Ride Mis-Pimped”: I remember “Pimp My Ride” well, but I didn’t remember it starting in 2004. I would have sworn this was like from 2000 or 2001. I like that this car has kind of a Hot Wheels and McDonald’s look.
“Personal Life A Total Waste Of Time”: Unsurprisingly, a stockbroker devalues any time not spent stockbroking.
“Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant”: This is a very silly joke, but I enjoy that the boyfriend thinks getting her a puppy will help.
“Waiting-Room Copy Of People Brings Area Man Up To Speed On Paris Hilton”: What a time in America! Yes, we were giving attention to the wrong people, but if you avoided magazines, you could largely be unaware! I do like the last line:
“An article about Jessica Simpson also cleared up Slocum’s previous assumption that Hilton starred in the MTV reality show Newlyweds.”
Were the infographics good?
“Summer Olympics Programming” comes nearly a week into the 2004 Summer Games in Athens.
These jokes are fine, but they aren’t terribly memorable. The one about China executing a ping-pong player during the Cultural Revolution is a rather cutting joke. Also, I was not familiar with the 1977 program “Scooby's All-Star Laff-A-Lympics.”
I did laugh at “If there is a God, some primetime judo.”
“Why Did We Commit Murder” feels even more relevant in the true-crime era. I especially like “Was necessary to further the plot,” as well as the illustration of the guy walking off with an Xbox.
What columnists ran?
“Who Do You Think You Are—Former New Orleans Saints Linebacker Pat Swilling?” is a great title. I vaguely remember Pat Swilling and his role in the New Orleans Saints’ “Dome Patrol.”
This column is about a manager at Mercury Insurance dressing down a salesman — albeit using one very specific reference point over and over again:
Listen to me, Gerald. I’m not the only one who’s had it with your Pat Swilling bullshit. People are talking—you know how many people want to work with someone who acts like he’s a record-holder for career sacks? Zero.
Do you think posting above-average sales numbers for two months means you are a versatile, savvy defensive player with excellent lateral motion? It’s a rhetorical question, Swilling—you don’t need to answer it.
I knew about Swilling’s defensive prowess, largely with the New Orleans Saints, but I didn’t know he became a state legislator after his career! (The Onion omits that he lost his seat in 2003)
The conversation doesn’t go well, with the manager dismissing his employee at the end with this swipe at another NFL player:
Fine. Be that way, Mr. 14th on the all-time quarterback sack list. Just don’t do it in my office. Get out, and don’t come back until you can act a little more like former Buffalo Bills defensive end Bryce Paup.4
While the Swilling column is precise, “Education Is Our Passport To The Something Or Other” is a blundered recitation of the famous Malcom X quote.
This column reminds me of The Onion’s entertainment columnist, Jackie Harvey, who is seemingly obsessed with Hollywood yet gets all the details wrong. This guy is struggling through a presentation where he spent lots of work on PowerPoints and music cues, but not much time on the words:
With an education comes the ability to articulate oneself. With that ability comes Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. Cavemen. Stonehenge. The Earl of Northumberland. Mr. Barnes and Mr. Noble. The Mayans, Beethoven’s hearing, Dr. Mengele. Education is the keystone to these worlds; it’s the arch that spans the doorway between the future and the past. Without education, a child cannot pass beneath that doorway. Such a child is left outside, in the present, for he does not have the tithe.
The progression from “Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. Cavemen. Stonehenge.” delights me to no end.
The other mind-boggling passage is the end, where Gen. George Armstrong Custer is invoked:
As that great general—Custer—said on the eve of that important evening, his final stand, he sat, warming his hands around a cocoa, and said, you know, “Everyone should have an education.”
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope is Virgo, for this shockingly imaginative scenario:
Your inability to keep a recent fascination with the rock group Kansas to yourself will result in the first recorded use of a ducking stool since 1848.
You can view the 2004 version of the horoscopes so you know which joke belongs to which sign. I forgot that the horoscopes author was Lloyd Schumner Sr.. retired machinist and A.A.P.B.-certified astrologer.
What holds up best?
There are many, many candidates. “Cat Taught Not To Sleep In Wok” is my personal favorite.
I also really liked “Who Do You Think You Are—Former New Orleans Saints Linebacker Pat Swilling?”
What holds up worst?
The random gay jokes in a couple of the articles aren’t particularly funny or relevant. By contrast, I’d defend “Homosexual Tearfully Admits To Being Governor Of New Jersey” because it’s a misdirect.
What would be done differently today?
I don’t know! I guess we’ll see when the print issues start coming out. They’ll be published monthly, and I’m hoping The Onion will be less topical because of that.
Looking at this week’s website, the Aug. 15, 2024, story “Ob-Gyn Assures Woman He Respects Doctor-Slut Confidentiality” feels like a very 1990s headline to me. If nothing else, someone on staff loves the word — it’s at least the 3rd headline in the past year with it.
Thank you, and a question …
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others! We’ll be back next week. In the meantime, I have a quick question for y’all:
I may get commissions for purchases made through links in this post, including that one.
Another example is “Security Beefed Up At Cedar Rapids Public Library” from October 2001.
One deputy was injured at the Come Back Inn, which is not in Baraboo, Wis., but is a Madison, Wis., bar — and one of columnist Jim Anchower’s many former workplaces!
Paup was the 1995 Defensive Player of the Year! Not a bad guy to be compared with.