The Onion's new website launched 20 years ago this week
Revisit The Onion's entry into web-only content, including a new website, more American Voices and a fake Bush radio address.
Welcome to The Onion’s Website: 20 Years Later, a weekly look at what The Onion published online that didn’t go into the print issue. This week, we’re looking at Aug. 31 to Sept. 6, 2005.
The Onion entered a new era 20 years ago, with a redesigned website that made it easier to publish web-only jokes.
This is also a new era for me! Here are my goals for this weekly deep dive into The Onion’s web-only content, which will publish each Wednesday:
Share and discuss all the web-only content I can find.
Note anything I couldn’t locate or might have disappeared from the Web.
Write shorter newsletters!
I hope I achieved 2 of 3 today. This newsletter is lengthy because we’re digging into the redesign itself and introducing the web-only sections. Thanks for your patience and support as I figure this out!
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. You can view the archives here.
This newsletter is free to all, but your financial support frees me up to spend ~8-12 hours per week researching and writing. Upgrade via Substack, or buy me a coffee as a one-time gift!
How did The Onion’s website change over time?
The Onion joined the internet in May 1996 with a bare-bones Web 1.0 site. For the next 9 years, the website was updated weekly with the most recent print edition, as well as advertisements and links to the A.V. Club. By 2005, the homepage also linked to things like Onion Premium1 and Onion Personals.2
What did the website not have? New jokes. The rare exceptions were for huge events, such as Michael Jackson’s 2005 acquittal and the deaths of President Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul II.
Here’s what the website looked like on Aug. 30, 2005:
On Aug. 31, 2005, The Onion published a new print edition and flipped the switch on its new website. Of course, this “modern” look looks ancient in 2025, but remember that there were no smartphones or iPads in 2005. Nearly everyone was viewing this on a desktop, hence the multi-column layout.
The A.V. Club gets more real estate, too, as you can see below:
Other features of the redesign include:
A new color scheme, anchored by a softer green color
A dedicated archives page
An improved search function
An “email this story” form
A revamped email newsletters page3
RSS feeds for “Daily Content,” “Weekly Content” and Jackie Harvey’s blog
Covers of The Onion Magazine
The end of Onion Premium
No more links to The Onion’s mobile4 and text website versions
Notably, this new look still centers the print edition. And it’s not covering breaking news — there’s nothing about Hurricane Katrina, for example.
A company called Behavior did the web design, and co-founder Khoi Vinh wrote about the project on his blog, Subtraction:
The editorial staff told us that The Onion was at its funniest when it was deadpan and straight-faced; as a longtime reader, I concurred wholeheartedly. The design challenge, then, became somewhat more complex than creating a Web site for a weekly newspaper with a fairly low page count, but rather how to create a site that might pass for a legitimate news organization on the level of The New York Times or The Washington Post.
For comparison, here’s the New York Times and The Washington Post homepages, respectively, on Sept. 2, 2005.
The redesign was also good for business. As eWeek wrote in September 2005:
Those ads reach every publisher’s dream demographic: 42 percent of the readers are aged 21 to 34, 65 percent are men, and the overall readership packs a whopping $75,000 median household income, according to the Onion.
That demographic, and the amount of new pages available for ads, sent sponsors like Guinness Beer, Comedy Central, and Nokia scrambling to buy ad space. On the new site, blinking Flash animations, full-screen pop-ups, and advertiser logos cozy up with fake news, competing for the attentions of the Onion’s audience.
What web-only content was published?
While the print edition ignored this news, the website made sure to announce the changes as only The Onion can.
The top feature is “Introducing The Onion's New Look,” a letter from fictional Onion Publisher J. Phineas Zweibel in the typical condescending, Gilded Age tone you might remember from T. Herman Zweibel’s columns.
For some inexplicable reason, The Onion published this letter as an image. I’ve reproduced the text below:
A message from the publisher, J. Phineas Zweibel
Dear Reader,
For generations, The Onion has been providing you with news, public-affairs reporting, and enlightening advertising. Today, we present a bold new redesign of our web site. It features many "bells and whistles" that our market researchers assure me that you will enjoy.
Among the new features: daily updates, a "blog" from our entertainment reporter Jackie Harvey, and access to our vast news archives, previously only available to the world's elite through our paid Onion Premium service.
Although democracy and the free exchange of ideas are notions that I have always staunchly opposed, it is clear that this Internet medium is not dying off as quickly as I had hoped. Therefore, The Onion Board Of Directors and I have determined that we must continue to exploit it.
And that is the good news in all of this.
In recent years, the Internet has revolutionized the efficiency with which we can employ readers in the warm embrace of the advertiser. With new advances in flashing, blinking, and exciting "premercial" technology, this computer-based medium has proved a steadfast source of skyrocketing revenue for Onion, Inc. Our advertising-sales staff is continuing to work hard on this frontier. In the future, faster animations or streaming video that cannot be turned off may be possible. Attention-getting sirens or other alert sounds may accompany flashing commercial announcements.
In fact, advertisements may one day be able to stand in for actual news. This would be a hard-won culmination of the proud symbiotic relationship we've had with our sponsors through the decades.
Until then, sit back and watch us grow! The future is here.
Sincerely,
J. Phineas Zweibel, Publisher, Onion, Inc.
Jackie Harvey’s “Harveywood!”
I think the Harveywood! blog was an Onion Premium holdover. These blog posts are not in Harvey’s official archive,5 so this is probably the 1st time in 20 years that anyone has discussed them.
Harveywood! emulates mid-2000s blogs — shorter than a newspaper column and generously linking out to real-life websites.
During the week of Aug. 31 to Sept. 6, 2005, Harvey published 2 blog posts:
“Love to Love Love, Baby” (Sept. 2, 2005): Harvey sticks up for Courtney Love after a failed drug test. The blog post ends with this unfortunate — but likely deliberate — typo:
She's had a hard row to ho as a single mother, and she deserves a break.
“Let's Stop Playing The Blame Game” (Sept. 6, 2005): Harvey reacts to the Mike Myers-Kanye West viral moment where Kanye said, “Bush doesn’t care about black people.” Unfortunately, he thinks Kanye is Big Daddy Kane!?! Harvey loves to defend power, although he’s probably right about TV as a medium:
Whether he cares about black people or not is irrelevant right now, and that was certainly the wrong place and time to suggest as much. Television is no place for ideas.
The “Daily Updates” sections
This right-most column consisted of several standing items — some updated each weekday, others only once per week:
American Voices: The long-running “What Do You Think?” feature, with 3 responses instead of the 6 you’d see in the print edition.
QuickPoll: This was a real poll, although the results are lost to time.
Onion Radio News: The Onion already published radio clips each weekday. These generally borrowed old headlines, although sometimes the dialogue was written exclusively for radio.6 You can view a massive collection of these on Internet Archive.
Stock Watch: Parodies of USA Today-style stock charts.
National News Highlights: A map of the U.S. featuring 3 pushpins, each with a short joke set in a particular city or town.
The Onion Magazine: A parody of The New York Times magazine or Parade magazine, mostly. This feature wasn’t part of the Aug. 31 website launch.7
Here’s what ran in those sections during the week of Aug. 31 to Sept. 6, 2005. It’s possible I’ve overlooked some content, especially if it’s no longer online. I’ve linked to existing URLs and/or the Internet Archive, depending on what’s available.
American Voices
In “American Voices,” The Onion asks people on the street to react to real-life news. Here’s what published from Aug. 30 to Sept. 6, 2005.
(I assume the Aug. 30 joke was a website test, as I couldn’t find any daily items from before then.)
“U.S.-North Korea Relations”
Aug. 30, 2005 | 2005 version | 2025 version
I love this response:
"We should say we have a magic flying house, and then when they say, 'Yeah, we do too,' we'll say, 'Gotcha! There's no such thing!' and they'll look like morons to the international community."
Leslie Belanger • Chef
“Pat Robertson's Remarks”
Aug. 31, 2005 | 2005 version | 2025 version
Pat Robertson called for Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez to be assassinated, although he later apologized.
A version of this ran in the Aug. 31 print edition with 6 responses. Note how the 2005 photo for Earl Keener is of a different Black man, who reportedly asked to be replaced.
“Atkins Diet Over”
Sept. 1, 2005 | 2005 version | 2025 version
The Onion loved talking about Atkins, as my archives illustrate. But the company behind the brand filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in late July 2005.
Today’s website truncates the 2nd answer, but you can see it in the 2005 archive.
“Reality TV's Integrity Questioned”
Sept. 2, 2005 | 2005 version | 2025 version
I’m flabbergasted that people ever believed in the integrity of reality TV.
I love this response:
“Scandals at reality shows? Next you’re going to tell me that Michael Ian Black didn’t actually love the ‘80s.”
David Hatton • Landscaper
Today’s website cuts off the 3rd response.
“Chinese Auto Industry”
Sept. 5, 2005 | 2005 version | 2025 version
The Onion jokes about origami and this 2000 diplomatic incident:
“Hmm, a U.S. Navy fighter jet crashes in China and five years later they know how to make cars. Coincidence?”
Kevin Bellisle • Police Officer
“Death Of The Chief Justice”
Sept. 6, 2005 | 2005 version | 2025 version
A longer version of this ran in the Sept. 6, 2005, print edition.
We previously saw Chief Justice William Rehnquist in July 2005’s “Supreme Court Justices Devour Sandra Day O'Connor In Ancient Ritual.”
The Onion Radio News
Onion Radio News was the long-running feature hosted by fictional radioman Doyle Redland. Here’s what published from Aug. 31 to Sept. 6, 2005:
“Former Presidents Convene For Liver-Spot Summit”
Aug. 31, 2005 | 2005 version| Original 1997 article
The radio version includes a not-amazing impression of President Gerald Ford.
“Man On Fire Calls For Increased Flame-Retardant Funding”
Sept. 1, 2005 | 2005 version | Internet Archive .mp3 | Original 1998 article
The Photoshopping on the original article is wonderfully bad.
“Mosquito's Life Cut Short”
Sept. 2, 2005 | 2005 version | NPR version
NPR featured this joke as part of a January 2006 NPR interview with Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers.
“Ghost of Anne Frank: 'Stop Reading My Diary’”
Sept. 5, 2005 | 2005 version | Internet Archive .mp3 | Original 1998 article
Why does Anne Frank’s ghost speak fluent English?
“Cancer Victim Given Second Chance At Death”
Sept. 6, 2005 | 2005 version | Internet Archive .mp3
This patient “has another week, or two.”
Weekly Radio Address
I didn’t realize The Onion parodied the weekly presidential radio address — and built a fake website called Weekly Radio Address that looked exactly like the Bush-era White House website.
This running joke eventually led the White House to send a cease-and-desist letter over The Onion’s use of the presidential seal.
Sadly, this feature only existed from January to December 2005, but all the audio is on Internet Archive.
“Katrina”
Sept. 3, 2005 | 2005 Weekly Radio Address version | Internet Archive .mp3
Fictional President George W. Bush urges Hurricane Katrina victims to join the U.S. military expeditiously.
QuickPoll
![[Image shows a satirical poll widget titled "QuickPoll" asking "Are you considering buying a new cell phone in the next year?" with multiple choice options] Yes, I need one; Yes, I like new technology; No, but I'll wind up getting one anyway, because the goddamn things break (selected); No, but I have no self-control when it comes to shiny objects; SUBMIT.](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!gfVb!,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fa3425db0-6bc4-4201-9ecf-dbb0d5028520_307x397.png "[Image shows a satirical poll widget titled \"QuickPoll\" asking \"Are you considering buying a new cell phone in the next year?\" with multiple choice options] Yes, I need one; Yes, I like new technology; No, but I'll wind up getting one anyway, because the goddamn things break (selected); No, but I have no self-control when it comes to shiny objects; SUBMIT.")
This front-page poll question changed each week. For the week of Aug. 31 to Sept. 6, 2005, the question was “Are you considering buying a new cell phone in the next year?”
You can view the question on Internet Archive and select an answer, although clicking “Submit” opens a nonworking pop-up window.
Stock Watch
![[Image shows a satirical stock market widget titled "Stock Watch" for WFMI Whole Foods] WFMI Whole Foods; 5.25 (down arrow) 117.11 (DOWN 11%); [Stock chart showing decline over Monday through Friday]; Stock dipped in early trading after news broke that the upscale grocery chain had acquired problematic wholesalers Partial Foods, Fallow Foods, and General Malnutrition.](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!247N!,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5481b6ee-1033-4b3b-a908-6b61c39835dc_303x484.png "[Image shows a satirical stock market widget titled \"Stock Watch\" for WFMI Whole Foods] WFMI Whole Foods; 5.25 (down arrow) 117.11 (DOWN 11%); [Stock chart showing decline over Monday through Friday]; Stock dipped in early trading after news broke that the upscale grocery chain had acquired problematic wholesalers Partial Foods, Fallow Foods, and General Malnutrition.")
I think the online-only Stock Watch was overwritten each week, although it eventually became part of the print edition.
Does this feature make sense to younger audiences who have never read a print newspaper?
National News Highlights
This section featured three short jokes — none of them online today:
“NYSSA, OR—Townspeople experienced a real-life 'boy who cried wolf' scenario this week when, after ignoring repeated lupine-overpopulation warnings from the state's Department Of Natural Resources, 17 locals were killed and eaten.”
“ST. LOUIS—City fathers claim the new system of weights and anchors will prevent the city's famous Gateway Arch from blowing over in the breeze quite so often.”
“NACOGDOCHES, TX—The Nacogdoches Center For Violence Against Women closed its doors today after repeated protests from the Nacogdoches Center For The Prevention Of Violence Against Women.”
These jokes are OK, although they feel weird without a headline.
Final thoughts, and thank you!
The new website must have been exciting — but also a source of stress for The Onion’s writers. Now, they had to write more jokes each week while also deciding which should run in print and which should go online.
This also put pressure on The Onion to react quickly. No longer could they say, “Well, something happened, but we’ve already sent the paper to press. We’ll make fun of it in a week or two.”
While The Onion can be brilliant in reacting to breaking news, such pressure can also contribute to burnout and reduce joke quality — even if The Onion’s “good enough” is still really, really good.
Anyways, thank you for being here — and for reading and sharing and liking and commenting. Let me know in the comments if you have questions about the new website or have feedback — happy to chat!
See you next week!
Onion Premium launched in April 2004 for $30 per year but was discontinued by late August 2005. Subscribers got an ad-free experience, a fully accessible archive, early access to the latest print edition and more. Almost no evidence of Onion Premium remains, so I might be unaware of other perks.
The Onion Personals service was real! Here’s an XoJane article (preserved via Time) about an Onion Personals ad that led to — and eventually destroyed — an engagement in 2003.
The Onion provided a “sample” issue of the Daily Dispatch, which is Photoshopped rather than an actual email.
The mobile website continued to exist. A few years later, The Onion hired Quattro Wireless to manage mobile ads. Soon after, Apple bought Quattro and shut it down.
As I noted weeks ago, “Bicycle-Riding Circus Bear Pedals Back To Natural Habitat” was a simple print headline that eventually became a 60-second radio clip.
In some cases, I’ve sourced a 2006 Internet Archive page to get the audio to load.
The Onion’s book of magazine covers lists 2 covers in August 2005, but neither published on the date listed. The Aug. 15, 2005, magazine cover was posted online in September 2005 as part of the Aug. 31 issue. The Aug. 22 magazine cover appeared in the Aug. 31 print edition but was posted with the Sept. 7 online edition. Very confusing!