The Onion's November 2024 issue features Larry Groznic!
Also, never have I been so happy to see a cigarette ad. Plus, I shoehorn in a 1940s movie reference.
Welcome back to The Onion’s Return to Print, where we review the revival of The Onion’s newspaper. Today, we’re looking at November 2024, which was recently mailed to paying subscribers.
As I’ve mentioned before, this won’t be a full-on review like the one I write each week about the newspaper from 20 years ago. Instead, these are my 1st impressions as a reader, Onion fan and long-ago newspaper editor.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. View the full archives, including these looks at The Onion’s return to print.
What issue is this?
This is Vol. 60, Issue 46, the 3rd print issue of the 2020s. The Onion is numbering the print edition like it never stopped publishing. For comparison, this arrived in my mailbox exactly 20 years (plus a few days) after Vol. 40, Issue 46.
As I’ve noted, The Onion continues to group each week’s online jokes by volume and issue number. So, Vol. 60, Issue 46 is full of web-only headlines.
I’m not sure when — or if — The Onion will post these jokes and articles online. As of this writing, most or all of October’s print jokes aren’t on the website.
So, what are you reviewing?
Last month, I explored my philosophy for reviewing The Onion’s back catalog and why that’s not how I’m reviewing these new print issues.
In short, I’m just trying to have fun here — “strong opinions, loosely held,” to quote Marc Andreessen.1 To give this newsletter some form and consistency, I also ask:
How does the actual newspaper look and feel?
What does the print format allow The Onion to do differently or better?
What delighted or surprised me?
I’m not sharing every headline or discussing every joke. My brief(ish) recap will hopefully give y’all some context for the print issue — and even inspire some of you to subscribe.
Please share your feedback, too! What does the print edition evoke in your mind? What else should I be commenting on? What am I ignoring or forgetting about?
How does the actual newspaper look and feel?
Again, this is a fine printing job, with paper stock that feels hefty despite being only 16 pages.
The color richness and balance are impressive, especially considering how often The Onion puts white text inside a green box. This usually requires 3 of the 4 CMYK colors (cyan, yellow and black), and getting that color balanced and aligned isn’t easy. Any errors will be especially visible, given the white text.
As I noted in reviewing the DNC special edition, this is a physically bigger newspaper than what The Onion produced in the early 2010s. I’m happy about this because my eyes aren’t great, and the early 2010s print issues are very difficult for me to read.
What does the print format allow The Onion to do differently or better?
Centerfolds! They aren’t just for nudity! A 2-page spread (often but not always the literal centerfold) just commands your attention more when it’s a full-sized print product than when it’s on a screen.
The Onion knows this and takes advantage with “Holiday Cooking for One,” which is a modern, more visually appealing play on The Onion’s old “[blank] tips” features, like 2001’s “Bicycle-Safety Tips.”
Similarly, the back page has a full-sized ad for Marlboro that encourages consumers to quit vaping and start smoking.2 You can’t replicate this kind of massive ad online (or the silliness).
Look, Raytheon gets off easy here. The Onion is praising them for what they’re good at, even if the messaging isn’t quite on brand.
The Onion does feature legitimate “house” ads, such as those urging the reader to subscribe to the newspaper. But it also has fake house ads like this one for Global Tetrahedron Hams, featuring The Onion’s legal entity.3
The ad says, “If It’s Not Sweatin’, It’s Not A GT Ham.” This is not the greatest tagline, admittedly. But writing marketing copy for ham isn’t easy — it’s literally the B-plot of the 1948 Cary Grant-Myrna Loy movie “Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House.”4
Finally, The Onion uses print to cover stories differently than they would in an online-only world. That includes small features like the wedding announcements, obituaries and real-estate listings. It also includes something like “Panicked Pottery Barn Executives Announce They Have Lost Control Of The Wicker.” Normally, this very short article would have no photo, but here, it gets this gigantic, ambitious photo illustration.
(Is this an AI-generated image? I’m assuming this is merely a great use of Photoshop or similar tools to transform a stock photo.)
Someone said to me this headline feels like it could have run in any year, and I agree. The Onion does great work reacting to real life, but there’s always room for perennial jokes.
The political but election-free front page
The Onion covered the presidential race last month and wisely pivots this month to other political issues, like China. I love the headline “Pentagon Warns China Developing Love, The Greatest Weapon Of All” and the illustration on the inside jump (i.e., where the story continues, this time on page 2).
Importantly, The Onion isn’t trying to follow the news cycle with jokes about, say, tariffs. No matter what happens between the U.S. and China, this headline remains relevant by existing outside of time.
The other 2 stories are familiar territory: “Nation Vies For Approval Of Cool Dog” and “Chick-Fil-A Raptured,” but I can hardly complain about a fun dog-related article.
The Chick-Fil-A joke feels like a 2010s leftover, but I know the brand remains anathema to certain segments of The Onion’s readership. I like the illustrations — both the Chick-Fil-As rising into the sky and the classic Onion God image.
I also like the weather report: “Snowing blood,” with the “snowing cloud” image in red instead of white/gray. This is a simple joke that works!
What delighted or surprised me?
As I mentioned last month, The Onion’s print anthologies (including the 2006 book “Homeland Insecurity: The Onion Complete News Archives, Volume 17”),5 featured Lorem Ipsum placeholder text to fill blank spaces. Even this was an opportunity for a joke — usually repetition of the phrase “passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.”
Once again, that joke is back. This time, the pull quote is “What do you mean you’ve been serial-killing other women?”
On the inside pages, I enjoyed dark jokes like:
“Study: No One Born In U.S. For Past 5 Years”
The half-page infographic “Flu Vaccines: Myth Vs. Fact”
The column “No Matter How Many Chili Cook-Offs I Win, Everyone Still Sees Me As ‘That School Shooter’s Mom.”
But obviously, the biggest surprise and delight is a new Larry Groznic column: “When We Invited You To Join Our Trivia Team, It Was With The Understanding That You Knew ‘Star Trek.’
The Onion has run only one Groznic column in the past 10 years (2017’s “I Did Warn You Not To Get Me Started On The Shortcomings Of The ‘Lego Indiana Jones’ Games”), and yet it’s like no time has passed. The Groznic tone is evident.
As someone who’s watched most of the “Star Trek” TV shows and movies yet doesn’t get into the lore beyond that, I most appreciated this line from Groznic:
“I should have sensed trouble … when, in a discussion of the film series at that party, you referred to Into Darkness as ‘the Benedict Cumberbatch one.’”
Yup, that’s what I call that one, because I haven’t seen it and never remember the name! Better than calling it “the unnecessary “Wrath of Khan” remake,” right?
Final thoughts
As much as I love doing this newsletter, these print editions are more relaxing. It’s nice to just read some Onion jokes without having to analyze them too deeply.
I also think The Onion made a smart move to publish monthly rather than weekly. I’ve often complained that the 24/7 news cycle diminishes The Onion’s powers and forces jokes to conform to social media best practices. A monthly newspaper removes those constraints and allows time for the best jokes, not merely the most convenient.
As always, thank you to everyone for reading and supporting this hobby newsletter. Please support The Onion, too, in whatever way you're able.
Let me know what I missed and, especially, what you’ve liked or disliked from this print issue.
I don’t remember much of the context for that phrase, but it stuck in my head!
The makers of Marlboro famously bought a 35% stake in Juul in 2018, lost billions on the deal, and then bought another vaping startup.
Named after a company repeatedly featured in The Onion’s 1999 book “Our Dumb Century.”
I love this movie, although it’s neither Cary Grant’s best comedy (“The Awful Truth”), best Myrna Loy collaboration (“The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer” or “Wings In the Dark”) nor his best portrayal of an adman (“North By Northwest”).
Anyways, Grant is responsible for the WHAM ham account but can’t think of a good slogan. He’s on the verge of losing his job when his maid saves the day with “If you ain’t eatin’ WHAM, you ain’t eatin’ ham!”
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