20 years ago, The Onion mocked Oprah's weight battles
Plus, we have even more election aftermath, the death of Yasser Arafat, teens working at Subway, Yucca Mountain drama and columnist Jim Anchower.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 17, 2004.
Welcome, new subscribers! I’m so grateful to share The Onion’s history through a modern lens.
As you might know, it’s been a busy week in Onionland, with The Onion buying Infowars (although that’s not a done deal) and writing fake editorials about the purchase. I shared my thoughts in this Substack Note.
On this date in 2004, The Onion continued its post-election coverage while embracing a very 1990s/2000s thing: Making fat jokes about Oprah.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 46, the 218th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page image comes from The Onion’s 2009 collection of front pages from 1988-2008.1
This is also the 1st issue included in “Homeland Insecurity: The Onion Complete News Archives, Volume 17,” the final book-length anthology of The Onion’s print coverage. This edition runs through December 2005, by which time The Onion was a fully functional web-publishing operation, not just a print-only product.2
The front-page headline “Domineering Wife Specifically Said 'Chunk-Style' Pineapple” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Few people in the 1990s and 2000s were more famous or omnipresent than Oprah Winfrey. I didn’t have to watch her show to know who she was and what she was up to.
Here’s one measure of Oprah’s reach: In the 2004-05 season, she averaged nearly 9 million viewers each weekday and had her best May sweeps ratings in 7 years. By comparison, “The View” was the top-rated daytime talker in mid-September 2024, with only 2.39 million viewers.
For many years, Oprah’s highest-rated episode was the infamous “wagon of fat” episode from 1988, in which she shared her 67-pound weight loss.3 As Entertainment Weekly documented in 2000:
To dramatize her weight loss, Winfrey went on to wheel out a wagon containing 67 quivering pounds of animal fat (”Is this gross or what?” she cracked) before detailing how she did it: The self-proclaimed food addict ingested nothing but Optifast (a protein powder mixed with water) five times a day, every day.
As you can see, The Onion isn’t inventing new humor with “Oprah Celebrates 20,000th Pound Lost.” This is purely reactive, like joking that President George W. Bush was dumb or that Jennifer Lopez had a big ass.
I do enjoy The Onion trying to do the math to get to 20,000, as well as the lineup of celebrities who honor her achievement:
According to her spokesman, Winfrey has been on 674 diets, embarked on 255 fitness routines, and weighed herself 4,349,571 times during her 30-year career in broadcasting and film.
Luminaries such as John Travolta, Bernie Mac, Patti LaBelle, U.S. Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY), Billy Crystal, Dr. Phil McGraw, and longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham joined the Oprah Winfrey Show staff in honoring the media icon’s monumental achievements in weight loss.
This infographic gets into a lot of detail (I’ve put the full text in the alt-text). Of note:
A “four-week cake binge” in the 1980s seems preferable to cocaine — and likely cheaper.
Wishbone was a hotspot for Oprah staffers back in the day.
Olestra was the ingredient in fat-free Pringles and other chips before being discontinued because of the bowel-movement issues it caused.
Other great details include a quote from Gayle King and a poem by Maya Angelou:
“As I lose, I gain,” Angelou said. “I wing home to a place long forgotten. I swell as I recede, taking in all that has come before me. I molt. I shed. I diminish. But I feel no loss for I am free. My song slips its long confinement and joins the celestial roar. I was made of water, now I am air. I lose as I gain, but again I lose. I lose. I lose.”
However well-written this is, I don’t get joy from it in 2024. Yes, Oprah was obsessed with her weight, and there’s an argument for mocking a powerful public figure’s obsessions as they occur. But it’s less fun to revisit now.
Maybe Oprah fans (or haters?) disagree — if so, tell me why.
Politics and geopolitics
“Republicans Call For Privatization Of Next Election” combines Republicans’ election victories with Bush’s campaign promise to reform and partially privatize Social Security.4
The jokes occasionally feel too on the nose — even Sen. Rick Santorum wouldn’t outright say elections should be judged on “their proficiency and profitability.” That said, The Onion accidentally anticipates controversy around the voting machine industry:
[Sen. Conrad] Burns said that, to create healthy market activity, each congressional district should be able to collect bids and offer contracts to the company that can offer the lowest prices and the best service.
“Look at the voter turnout we had this year,” Burns said. “Less than 60 percent of the population voted, and that number is still the highest it’s been since 1968. Contractors should get a cut based on the number of votes their machines record. That way, they’d have a monetary incentive to get more Americans to the polls.”
This is well-written. The headline suggests a relatively boring “GOP seizes power” story. But there’s a rich backstory of competing ideas — the small-business community worries they won’t have a chance to bid, while the fictional election startup VelociVote thinks too many people are voting:
“Rather than trying to attract more voters, let’s attract better voters. We could reduce the overall cost of the election by 97 percent if we paid a small body of informed, designated voters to keep abreast of candidates’ policy positions.”
A couple of other notes:
The Onion quotes a fictional contractor who wants to give voters Best Buy coupons and upsell them on “no-wait” voting and lounges. He also says, “It’s ridiculous that every polling place doesn’t have an Au Bon Pain.”
This image above includes advertisements for Bud Light, Netflix, Eddie Bauer, Wal-Mart, Blue Nile, JC Penney, Circuit City and many more. I love the MSN Hotmail promo, too.
Other political items included:
“Ashcroft Loses Job To Mexican”: For the record, former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was born in San Antonio and is descended from Mexican immigrants.
“Actual Governing To Resume”: It’s only a slight exaggeration to say that Congress campaigns for 16 straight months.
“FDA Recommends The Blue Marlin”: I love the quote from acting FDA Commissioner Lester Crawford:5 “It’s absolutely delicious. Really, you must try it, along with a glass of Chardonnay or a light beer.”
“Arafat's Death”: The Onion asked people about the death of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat. My favorite quote reminds me of 2003’s “Iraq, Kentucky Vie For World Shooting-Into-The-Air Supremacy”:
“After I learned about the great Arafat’s death, I fired my rifle into the air several times. But it didn’t make me feel any better. I don’t know. I guess I’m changing.”
Ibrahim Salah • Electrician
Area People doing Area Things
I don’t remember “Teen Handed Awesome Responsibility Of Closing Subway Alone,”6 but I’m delighted to read it with fresh eyes.
Jeremy Prusher is a 17-year-old high-school junior who’s worked at Subway for 3 months. Tonight, he’s closing the store because the manager, Michael Rotley, has to attend a night class:
“I think I’ve got a handle on it,” Prusher said. “I’ve been working at night helping other people close, so I have a pretty good idea what happens. I know the drill. Like, even before Michael told me, I knew he slid the cash envelope into the safe in the breakroom after he Z-ed out the register.”
Added Prusher: “I think it’ll be a while before he trusts me with the combination to the safe, though. A long while.”
This is a pleasant story! Prusher is nervous but confident. He knows not to give away sandwiches to his buddies, but other mall employees can get free food.
And guess what, it goes well!
A Domino’s Pizza employee later reported that Prusher closed the store without incident, but after 15 minutes returned to check the front and back doors and peer through the window to make sure the sandwich-bar lids were shut.
What a nice local news story! The Onion was, in many ways, a parody of the small-town newspaper, and this type of “good news” profile is quintessential.
“Local Life-Insurance Salesman A Catalog Of Horrific Sudden-Death Scenarios” is a great Onion workplace story. And despite being about an eccentric-yet-effective salesman, this is not a reaction to “The Office,” which didn’t debut until March 2005.
Bob Carson of State Farm is way too excited to share tales of the trade — including a barber who died from stepping on a push broom, a grandmother hit by a tanker truck that then plowed into a school bus, and this gem:
“At this point, I’m almost afraid to say hello to Bob after Sunday services,” neighbor Jane Francis said. “The last time I did, I remarked how good the coffee and Danishes were. The next thing I knew, he was giving a forensically detailed account of a body found after a May 1978 bakery flash fire caused when a malfunctioning pilot light ignited a cloud of flour.”7
The whole thing is a good read, if grim.
This is the latest in The Onion’s occasional coverage of insurance salesman, following 1999’s “Area Insurance Salesman Celebrates 14th Year Of Quoting Fletch,” 2000’s “Insurance Executive Fakes Own Life” and August 2004’s “Who Do You Think You Are—Former New Orleans Saints Linebacker Pat Swilling?”
Other Area People items include:
“Woman With Really Pointy Feet Finds Perfect Shoes”: The headline is great, and the photo is the perfect accompaniment.
“Son Conned Out Of Allowance For Seventh Consecutive Week”: The dad cons his son twice — once by daring him to sneeze with his eyes open, then sabotaging his lawnmowing.
“Ghost Can't Make A Simple Cup Of Coffee Without Everyone Freaking Out”: The Onion was cooking in 2004 if this joke is forgotten.
“Guy From Pringles Ad Convicted Of Murder On Law & Order”: I like this, especially the last line:
Taylor said she was happy Carver was convicted, but added that “knowing our TV justice system, he’ll probably be back on the streets in a Verizon commercial in a matter of weeks.”
Were the infographics good?
“The Effects Of Global Warming” is a reminder that “climate change” wasn’t yet the preferred term for this phenomenon.
I like these jokes, especially “Even fewer opportunities for snowmen to magically come to life” and “When depicted in cartoons, sun will have angry face instead of smiling face.”
Also, a Tom DeLay reference! Almost forgot about the then-House Majority Leader.
“Who Do We Owe Money To?” is another solid front-page infographic. The joke about “Medium-Sized Louie” and “Big Louie” is very silly, but I like it.
“Bookie, but just ‘til next race” might be updated in 2024 to something involving FanDuel.
What columnists ran?
“What Happens At Yucca Mountain Stays At Yucca Mountain” works better if you know that Yucca Mountain in Nevada is the federal government’s proposed long-term repository for spent nuclear fuel from power plants. This is controversial, especially in Nevada, and so progress has long been blocked. Even worse, the federal government is barred by law from considering other sites!
The Onion’s joke is that Yucca Mountain is just like Las Vegas — a magical Nevada locale where you don’t talk about what happens there:
Discretion is the legally binding watchword for everyone who walks the facility floor. Whether you come for business or just to take a tour, your secrets stay at Yucca Mountain when you go. Hell, would you want your wife to know what happened during that weekend with your Secretary of Energy? Of course not. That’s why you wouldn’t want to let, oh, say, Mr. Media catch wind of the words you overheard escaping from a nearby Hilton Hyatt table occupied by the seven-man board of Nuclear Regulatory Commission attorneys.
I wish we all used “Mr. Media” instead of “mainstream media” or “MSM.”
The Onion’s writers did their homework — we have gossipy mentions of Utah’s senators striking a deal to put the nuclear repository in Nevada instead of the Skull Valley Goshute reservation (although that’s back on the table in 2024!) and Sen. Harry Reid gutting the budget for Yucca Mountain.8
Also, safety doesn’t seem to be primary at Yucca Mountain:
If the EPA thinks we keep a lead-lined, reinforced-concrete lid on things 24-7, well, so much the better. But those of us who are around every day know the real story. Believe me, there were days when we were a hair on a horse’s ass away from an absolute meltdown. But it’s better all around that we forget to mention it if—just as an example, mind you—we suffer some big losses because of cask cracks.
I’ve edited or copy-edited nuclear energy publications for much of the past 15 years, and Yucca Mountain remains an immovable force even as the broader nuclear energy industry sees a revival.
“Back In The Driver's Seat” is the latest update from columnist Jim Anchower, who recaps his past few columns — the workplace injury, losing his job but getting workers’ comp, and now getting his cast off.
Anchower’s intros usually involved some form of “Hola, amigos. It’s been a while since I rapped at ya.” This time, he changes it up:
Hola, amigos. Who’s your daddy? I know it’s been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there’s been no end of troubles in Anchower Town.
My guess is “Who’s your daddy?” is referencing Boston Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez, who called the New York Yankees his “daddies” after a playoff loss in October 2004. Obviously, this phrase has more meanings today!
Anyways, God bless Anchower. He hasn’t driven his Ford Festiva for months, so the battery is dead. Fortunately, he knows how to pop-start it and shares the instructions with us:
Now, if you’ve never pop-started a car, you’re a huge pussy. And that goes double if you’ve got an automatic transmission. Thing is, I know you won’t stop reading, so I’m gonna lay it down. You put your transmission in neutral, then get out and push the car. You don’t have to go super fast, but you should be trotting. Once the car’s rolling at a good speed, jump in really fast, put it in first gear, and pop the clutch. When the engine catches, put the clutch back in real fast, gun the gas, and you’re good to go.
He gets the car started! But then he’s immediately side-swiped by a Hummer. Poor Anchower — unemployed and with a minimally functional vehicle.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Leo for this random reference to the 1998 film:
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You'll find inspiration in the classic story of Great Expectations and go on to turn more wonderful novels into abhorrent movies.
Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2004 archive has a better view.
What holds up best?
This is a personal choice, but I love “Local Life-Insurance Salesman A Catalog Of Horrific Sudden-Death Scenarios.”
“Woman With Really Pointy Feet Finds Perfect Shoes” never fails to amuse me, too.
What holds up worst?
This is a strong issue, and I have few bones to pick.
“The Effects Of Global Warming” is dated in some ways. And I’m not sure I would say ‘Ashcroft Loses Job To Mexican,” but it does feel like a bit many stand-up comics could run with.
What would be done differently today?
This feels like a decent mix of politics, current events, Area Man stories and other “local newspaper” satire.
I’m happy to see The Onion mixing in more old-style humor these days, such as this week’s “Man Forgetting Difference Between Meteoroid, Meteorite Struggles To Describe What Just Killed His Dog.”
Thank you
I’ve been writing this newsletter for almost 5 years, which is unbelievable. I’m so grateful to have y’all here. Please like, comment and share the newsletter so we can share The Onion’s joys more widely!
Next week, we’ll revisit the White House turkey ceremony, life in your 20s, the disastrous Kmart-Sears merger, the “Knights Of Columbo” and much, much more. See you then!
I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.
For example, this Dec. 1, 2005, view of The Onion’s homepage shows “Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan” from the Nov. 30, 2005, print issue, but also “NFL To Move All 32 Teams To Los Angeles,” which was a web-only joke. This will be a nightmare for me come 2006 — I might need to make this newsletter my full-time job! 99.9% kidding.
You can find countless “Oprah’s weight through the years” articles and slideshows, including from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Fox News, OK Magazine (in 2023!) and even Oprah’s own magazine, O.
Apparently, only 1% of voters in 2004 said Social Security was a leading motivator — and this subset was almost entirely Kerry voters.
This is the 2nd time The Onion mentioned Crawford and Arafat in the same issue, the other being Aug. 21, 2002.
Teen employment was trending downward in 2004 but was much higher than at any point since the Great Recession.
I couldn’t confirm these as real incidents, although 100 years before this fictional flour-related fire was the Great Mill Fire in Minneapolis. And in 2008 and 2023, tanker trucks crashed into school buses.
Reid and future Sen. Mike Lee helped each other scuttle both the Utah and Nevada repositories in 2005.
Anchower columns are always a treasure, little details like clearing the tickets off his windshield without concern. Took me a while to figure out for all he says about cars he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
Yeah the Subway one is a classic & nice they didn’t have a cruel twist, definitely relate to staring through windows making sure bins are closed.