20 years ago, The Onion discussed bargain cereal, monkey outfits and Smoove B
We also have Calvin Coolidge and Joe Biden, and 2002's idea of friendship between gay men and straight women.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Aug. 21, 2002.
Today, we’ll look at my favorite ridiculous Onion columnist, bargain-brand cereals and The Onion predicting the revival of Calvin Coolidge. If you’re new here, please sign up!
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 30, the 113th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.
The front-page headlines “Heat Sworn At” and “Fat Kid Calls Shirts” are no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
You really can’t go wrong with an Onion story that anthropomorphizes God. “God Promises 'Big Surprises' In Store For Hurricane Season”1 is another winner.
I like that The Onion always has God at the center of a massive PR operation. There’s a mention of “Benediction/Holmes-Morgan, the Lord's public-relations agency,” as well as this quote:
"I'm not naming names," said the Archangel Ioniel, Guide of the Change and co-producer of 1992's Hurricane Andrew, which did more than $20 billion in damage to South Florida. "It'd be a shame to ruin the Big Guy's party. But let's just say Florida is still number one, and the residents of a certain sleepy Georgia coastal town are in for the meteorological sequel of the summer."
God’s a job creator, at least for communications professionals!
This story is also told like it’s the Hollywood upfronts, where TV networks promote their upcoming show lineups. The Hollywood, Florida, dateline is a sly reference to this. And God’s PR team is clear that He wants to expand His demographic
"With that in mind, He's promised that something new is 'in the wind' this year. Expect God to take the hurricane to places it's never been, bringing it to whole new audiences, making inroads further into the tornado-minded Gulf Coast states, and still delivering the goods to the hip, urban, coastal crowd that's traditionally so crazy about them."
This story doesn’t quite deliver on the that idea that God is like a TV executive, but it’s still fun.
“Former Senator Still Hanging Around Capitol” is technically the top story. It's a lighthearted political tale about former Virginia Gov. and U.S. Sen. Charles Robb2, a Democrat defeated by George Allen in fall 2000.
The active senators aren’t really bothered by Robb’s presence, but they’re surprised he’s still there — including Sen. Joe Biden:
"The first week after the Senate reconvened in January, he showed up," Biden said. "Everyone was excited to see him again and made a big deal about his dropping by. But then he just kept coming back. I used to joke about making him an honorary Senator For Life, but he seemed to take that a bit too seriously, so I stopped."
Onion regulars (and future disgraced senators) Larry Craig and Trent Lott make an appearance, while current Sen. Patrick Leahy mistakenly asks Robb to support his bill.
This story is fine, but there’s not much to it. And 20 years later, you probably don’t care unless you have Virginia ties and remember Robb.
Elsewhere in politics and world news
“History Teacher Has Unusual Favorite President” is a simple story where The Onion picks an obscure president and has a teacher passionately defend him.
The funny thing is that Calvin Coolidge has had a revival, almost entirely on the right. That changes the tone if The Onion ran it today. I’m not sure what president would be swapped in — James Garfield or William Henry Harrison, perhaps, since they barely served?
“Lazy FDA Approves X-Ray Vision Pills” is silly, but I enjoyed it.
"After evaluating this and regulating that for months, we were really dying to cut out early, so we were all just like, 'Fuck it. Let's just approve this,'" FDA deputy commissioner Lester Crawford3 said.
“Arafat's $1.3 Billion” is The Onion asking about the real-life reveal that Yasser Arafat was a billionaire. I don’t love these jokes, save for this one:
"Arafat's got $1.3 billion? I guess he does have a nickel for every time somebody called him a terrorist."
Bob Lawton • Civil Engineer
Area People doing Area Things
I really connected with “Dad Defends Purchase Of Bargain-Brand Cereal,” because many times as a kid, my parents got the store-brand cereal or healthier cereal varieties. I also remember these cheaper brands being in bags and not boxes — maybe the cardboard is a big expense?
In this story, Glen Showalter has just discovered these cheaper brands while at the Save-a-Lot (my local stores were usually Pathmark, Shaw’s or Stop & Shop).
Excited by the discovery, Showalter loaded his shopping cart with bags of bargain cereal, including Cocoa-Roos, Frosted Mini Spooners, Golden Puffs, Marshmallow Mateys, and Honey Buzzers. Though he possessed coupons for Cap'n Crunch, Cheerios, and other longtime Showalter-household staples, he chose not to purchase them.
Showalter argues that there’s almost no difference — the Frosted Flakes knock-off has a surfing walrus, for example, instead of Tony the Tiger. As an adult, buying the cheaper store brand makes sense. But as a kid, we hated it!:
"The kids love Fruity Pebbles, so I certainly didn't think they'd object to me bringing home a big bag of Fruity Dyno-Bites," Showalter said. "But as soon as [10-year-old son] Mark saw the bag, he just went nuts. He said the Dyno-Bites were embarrassing and 'totally lame.' I'm sorry, but I don't see what's so lame about being a smart shopper."
A supermarket industry expert predicts the Showalter family won’t stick with bargain cereals:
"Eventually," Bleier said, "they forget their flirtation with frugality and return to their old, Trix-buying ways."
I don’t think I’m particularly qualified to offer deep insight into “Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond” other than to say that this feels like a very 2002 story and would need a new premise to exist today.
The Onion, as it did in these “culture” stories 20 years ago, quotes an academic to sum up the story:
Curtis and Debbie enjoy a symbiotic relationship of the highest, most dysfunctional order."
This story leans on a lot of stereotypes, and that’s kind of the point, I think. But it does make it hard to imagine this story being that interesting today. Yes, it’s well-written, and we learn a lot about Debbie Ayler and Curtis Gwinn. But this feels like a time capsule discovery.
Also, I’ve wondered about that photo for 20 years. It’s awkward! And who’s that other dude?
Other Area People stories include:
“29-Year-Old Has Blast Writing His Will”: Should I have a will? I’m 10 years older than this guy who “bequeathed girlfriend Cindy Meijer his prized collection of vintage 1977 McDonaldland glasses.”
“Woman Thinks She Would Make A Great Talk-Show Host”: Hey, lots of us think we’d be great at talk shows. Look at all the podcasts out there!
“Two New Burger King Sandwiches Negate Each Other”: Burger Kings really did introduce a veggie burger in 2002. The last joke is quintessential Onion humor: “Burger theoreticians posit that the sandwiches could destroy each other if sold in a single order.”
“Ozzy Wins Tickets To Ozzfest” and “Tank Operator Wishes Buddies Back Home Could See Him Now” are 2 front-page headlines with photos, but no article.
Were the infographics good?
“How Are We Dressing Our Monkeys?” has one of my favorite Onion infographic illustrations. “Whipped-cream bikini” is a testament to the cultural influence of “Varsity Blues.” (not particularly safe for work?)
The parenthetical in “Ninja (Halloween only)” cracks me up. I can’t even explain it.
“Celebrity Clothing Lines” is a real mixed bag. I like the LaToya Jackson and Jim Belushi jokes. I love the phrases “Angela Lansbury’s Pantsuit, She Wore” and “Larry King’s Radio Pants.”
But the others … are not as memorable.
We also have “Wine-Appreciation Tips,” which is technically an infographic. Regular readers know that I prefer The Onion to write too many jokes than too few. This has 11 jokes, although my personal favorite is the very 1st one:
Most wine experts frown upon serving a peignoir with white meat. This is primarily because a peignoir is a type of lingerie.
This is also an educational newsletter!
What columnists ran?
I love Smoove B because it’s some of the most consistent and richly detailed The Onion ever did. In “Let Smoove Take You Away,” Cincinnati’s most romantic bachelor is looking beyond the riverfront.
Smoove is all about the finest goods, the biggest romantic gestures, pleasing his woman — and doggystyle. Things are no different here.
Smoove is big into contingency planning for Day 1 of this weekend getaway. He has multiple beverage options for the limo, offers to pay for extra toiletries, promises multiple types of pancakes and will procure tea and coffee.
He also previews the rest of the weekend:
Smoove will have many more pleasures waiting for you over the remainder of the weekend. These pleasures may include a midnight swim under a waterfall, provided that there is a waterfall and that swimming is allowed past 11 p.m. You will remember this romantic trip forever.
“And Now, The Matter Of Whether To Pre-Approve Douglas C. Schwoegler For a Visa Gold Card” imagines the CEO of Visa agreeing to buy Chase Manhattan4 before considering an equally important matter: 1 random dude's credit card application.
Great job by The Onion of imagining a company board meeting where they (seemingly) approve every credit card individually. The board has spent multiple meetings on this guy — and other people with his name:
“That's an interesting point, Roger. But I think you might be confusing him with Douglas P. Schwoegler of Arcata, CA. We'll be discussing him next Thursday. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe the man we're talking about today ever filed for bankruptcy. Don't worry about it. Perfectly understandable mistake.”
What was the best horoscope?
The horoscopes 20 years ago had great jokes about Pyrrhic victories, stock-market crashes and being attacked by circus birds. That said, my favorite is this random reference to former NFL great Zach Thomas:
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
It does nothing to ease your pain when Miami Dolphins linebacker Zach Thomas is fined $7.25 for assaulting you at a fried-chicken restaurant.
What holds up best?
“Dad Defends Purchase Of Bargain-Brand Cereal” really reminded me of childhood. But I’d also argue it’s pretty funny and a timeless exploration of how brands influence us, how parents try to force their children into behaviors and how we’re all increasingly picky eaters.
I also love the front-page headline “Heat Sworn At.”
What holds up worst?
This was a strong issue, so probably “Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond”? I doubt it’s a story anyone’s really quoting today.
What would be done differently today?
The fact that Joe Biden was mentioned 20 years ago but not George W. Bush is interesting. Like, in 2022 The Onion wouldn’t make Charles Grassley jokes all week (though they do!) and ignore Biden and Donald Trump.
Thank you
Grateful to y’all for reading and subscribing. Next week, The Onion has the American king returning from exile. There’s also a headline I used as an AIM away message 20 years ago, “Water Pistol Fired Using Sideways Gangsta Grip.” See you then!
The real-life 2002 hurricane season was mild
Robb is still alive, along with his wife Lynda, who is Lyndon Johnson’s daughter.
Crawford became FDA commissioner in 2005 before resigning ahead of a criminal conviction for financial crimes.
I’m an editor, so I have to point out that by 2002, Chase Manhattan was already known as JPMorgan Chase.