The Onion's October 2024 issue features Jean Teasdale!
Who would have thought receiving a newspaper in the mail would be a joy? Also, let's talk hyphenation.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we usually review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact.
But today’s newsletter examines The Onion’s print edition for October 2024, which was recently mailed to paying subscribers.1
As I mentioned while recapping The Onion’s special DNC issue, this won’t be a full-on review. These are my 1st impressions as a reader, Onion fan and long-ago newspaper editor.
But make no mistake, I’m very excited by the return of print, and I’m glad you’re here.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. View the full archives, including these looks at The Onion’s return to print.
What issue is this?
This is Vol. 60, Issue 42 and the 1st regular monthly edition. The Onion is numbering the print edition like it never stopped publishing. For comparison, 20 years ago’s most recent print issue was Vol. 40, Issue 42.
That said, if you visit the Vol. 60, Issue 42 page on The Onion’s website, you’ll see an assortment of online-only jokes and — incredibly confusingly — many of the print articles from the DNC issue!
So, what are you reviewing?
When I review The Onion’s print issues from 20 years ago, I consider a few factors:
How funny and/or relevant is this story 20 years later? Has it become more or less so?
Was it funny then? Some jokes are topical or require a certain cultural knowledge that fades away over time. That’s OK!
Is this the funniest, most relatable topic for parody? Could The Onion have done this better at the time?
If it’s topical, how does The Onion do at satirizing real events/people? If it’s not, how well does The Onion skewer local newspapers or the human condition?
Who’s the butt of the joke, and does The Onion hit its own target?
But when reviewing a monthly newspaper in 2024, most of these criteria don’t apply. And recapping articles I can’t (yet) link to feels silly. So, here’s what I’m asking about these new issues:
How does the actual newspaper look and feel?
What does the print format allow The Onion to do differently or better?
What delighted or surprised me?
I’m hoping this will give y’all some context for the print issue — and even inspire some of you to subscribe.
Please share your feedback, too! What does the print edition evoke in your mind? What else should I be commenting on? What am I ignoring or forgetting about?
How does the actual newspaper look and feel?
The printing quality seems excellent to me. The paper feels hefty despite being only 16 pages. The images and illustrations are sharp, and the color choices are often bold and modern.
My photography isn’t doing this justice, but these are strong reds and greens printed flawlessly (much better than they look here!).
If you’re familiar with the 1999 book “Our Dumb Century”2 then you understand The Onion’s design pedigree. Not only does The Onion nail how newspaper writing evolved throughout the 20th century, but it also depicts the changing trends in newsprint design.
The same goes for the 2007 book “Our Dumb World,” which looks and feels enough like an atlas or encyclopedia that readers instinctively get the underlying joke.
The Onion’s return to print continues this tradition.
Importantly, The Onion is taking a print-first philosophy. Not all the items are meant to look great on a smartphone. Consider the infographic “Who’s Haunting Us?” which spans parts of pages 8 and 9. It’s far too wide to ideally display on a phone, and maybe not even on a large monitor. But it looks great in print as part of a 2-page Halloween-themed spread.
As with the DNC issue, there is no paid advertising. There are “house” ads, such as for the revived Onion News Network (above), and fictional/satirical ads.
The biggest ad is the back cover (below), which advertises a fictional children’s casino. The casino is located at 500 Olive Street in Goshen, Ind., which in real life is an empty parcel.
What does print allow The Onion to do differently or better?
When you publish monthly, you can’t cover breaking news, but you still want to convey a sense of recency and urgency. In the October 2024 issue, The Onion does this in a few ways:
High-level commentary on big names and news (Taylor Swift, the election) that is relevant yet not too specific.
A seasonal theme (Halloween, in this case).
Traditional newspaper sections (sports, real estate listings, obituaries, horoscopes, the editorial cartoon, etc.). For example, there’s an Entertainment page that covers the latest TV shows and, weirdly, has multiple articles about Alec Baldwin’s family.
Random silliness, such as the front-page headlines “Canine Breeding-Activists Firebomb Spay-And-Neuter Clinic” and “Pompous Geese Fly In Cursive V Formation.”
Another print quirk is the “jump” — when an article begins on one page but finishes on another because it’s too long. This allows for a 2nd headline that’s not possible in print.
So, for example, the front-page headline “Trump Launches Own Brand Of Voting Machines” becomes “Machines Offer Way To vote For Trump With Style And Class” on page 3.
The politics-heavy front page
Longtime readers probably sense I’m less comfortable weighing in on political jokes. Part of this is self-preservation — I see how many political Substacks y’all subscribe to! But mostly, it’s just not as fun. Humans naturally tend to embrace political jokes that align with their priors and reject those that don’t. We’re not evaluating the humor and writing as much as the solidarity.
And so because political stories are essentially like fandom, I find them less interesting to critique than, say, stories like “Raccoon Leaders Call For Loosening Of Garbage-Can Lids” or “Munchtime Is The Most Important Snack Of The Day.”
That said, this front page does a great job covering hot-button issues of politics and culture. We have:
Taylor Swift getting her comeuppance.
Donald Trump’s latest idea for self-promotion
Texas politicians trying to make a big political statement.
Barack Obama making everything about himself, for better or worse.
Notice that campaign-specific jokes about JD Vance and Kamala Harris are on the inside pages. The most interesting personalities go out front.
The Halloween spread!
Halloween is a big theme, including Page 3’s “Harris Courts Male Voters By Dropping Pumpkin Out Of 10th-Story Window” and Page 10’s “24-Hour Horror Movie Marathon Attended With Other Failures.”
But print also allows The Onion to create a Halloween section on Pages 8-9, led by “Ghoul Americans Celebrate Demonic Heritage Month.”
This story is set in the present day and imagines ghouls as a longstanding part of the American population. But as someone who’s played a lot of “Fallout 4” over the past decade, I wouldn’t have minded a reference to Goodneighbor or a Mayor Hancock quote.
What delighted or surprised me?
I’ve talked about my love for The Onion’s truly bizarre columns back in the day, including Dept. Head Rawlings and Larry Groznic.
So I was delighted to see a similar absurdity with “Take Me To Your Girlboss” by the alien Commander Byxxurian. The word “Byxxurian” is pure invention, and I love whoever imagined an alien race built around the 2010s fascination with girlbosses.3
When The Onion published their print archives in the 2000s (including the 2005 book “Embedded in America”), they would insert placeholder text to fill blank spaces. But instead of Lorem Ipsum text, you’d usually see an endless repetition of the phrase “passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.”4
Well, The Onion brought this back, along with the pull quote “A whole generation has been destroyed by tummy time.”
Speaking of throwbacks …
Hey, it’s Jean Teasdale!
The Onion’s columnists stopped publishing years ago, but the great Jean Teasdale reemerged in 2023 with “Shrugs, Not Hugs.” And now she’s in the October 2024 issue with “AI? Ai-Yai-Yai!”
I won’t spoil too much by saying Teasdale has thoughts on artificial intelligence, including how to recognize when AI is pretending to be her.
She also gives an update on her husband, Rick: “(still alive).”
Hyphens matter
“Canine Breeding-Activists Firebomb Spay-And-Neuter Clinic” might be my favorite headline in the entire issue. Forgive me as I talk about hyphenation for a moment.
Historically, The Onion has used hyphens liberally, and this is no exception. But maybe you’re thinking, shouldn’t “Canine Breeding-Activists” be “Canine-Breeding Activists”? That could be the joke, but it’s a very different one than The Onion chose.
“Spay-and-Neuter Clinic” is hyphenated as such because “spay and neuter” modifies “clinic” and because they’re a package deal. Similar phrases include “ham-and-cheese sandwich” or “dog-and-pony show.”
So why not “Canine-Breeding Activists”? That would imply activists campaigning for canine breeding — and the assumption that these activists are humans. But The Onion, as the photo illustrates, makes it clear that dogs have firebombed the clinic. Thus the hyphenation to indicate that these canines are activists for canine breeding.
You could argue for no hyphen at all, as “breeding-activists” is an awkward-looking phrase. But the entire joke depends on us, the readers, understanding that these are dog terrorists, not merely dog-loving terrorists.
Final thoughts
I’m still wrapping my head around this issue. There’s a lot of strong writing and imagination, even if a few items feel rote (the “How To Perform A Breast Exam” infographic, the Aaron Rodgers/Zapruder film joke, “Justin Bieber Forgets Wife’s Name).
In my regular newsletter, I always ask “What Would The Onion Do Differently Today?” and perhaps I should be asking, “What Feels Familiar From 20 Years Ago?” In this case, it’s things like Jean Teasdale’s column, the front-page one-liners and the horoscopes.
As I sign off, thank you to everyone for reading and supporting this ridiculous newsletter. Please support The Onion, too, in whatever way you're able.
And, as always, let me know what I missed in the comments and, especially, what you’ve liked or disliked from this print issue.
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This article also reminds me of 2003’s “People Of Earth: We Come In Search Of Quality Name-Brand Footwear At Reasonable Prices.”
This line made it into 2008’s “Blood…Blood Everywhere.”
Seeing "passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood" again made me so happy