The Onion began 2005 by reviewing 2004's top stories
The Onion spotlights Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, the New York Yankees and more. Plus, a Jackie Harvey column!
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Jan. 5, 2005.
This is The Onion’s 1st issue of 2005. While this issue “reviews” 2004’s top stories, all the jokes are brand-new.
This is Year 6 of this newsletter, and I’m grateful to y’all for being here. As I noted in last week’s 2005 preview, my goal is to reconnect you with The Onion’s rich history and deliver some laughs. So you’re welcome to skim for the jokes rather than read every word!
A scheduling note: The Onion took off the week of Jan. 12, 2005, so we’ll resume 2005’s coverage on Jan. 19.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 41, Issue 01, the 224th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2005 and today. The Internet Archive didn’t preserve the 2015 version, although this 2014 version looks basically the same.
The front page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief , who was kind enough to scan several years’ worth of the archives and share them with me. Check out his Substack and his latest book.1
The front-page headline “Christopher Reeve Still Paralyzed In Heaven” is no longer online. He died in October 2004 after years of jokes by The Onion,2 late-night hosts, “South Park,” Eminem and others.3 I know Reeve was difficult to work with, but I never quite understood why his accident and paralysis were so mocked.
Finally, The Onion website in 2005 acknowledged the Indian Ocean tsunami with this call for donations:
What was the top story, and other impressions?
There are 2 unusual aspects of the Jan. 5, 2005, issue:
The “Year In Review” format includes many additional sections, including “World,” “Society,” “The Year At A Glance,” “Sports,” “War On Terrorism,” “The President In 2004,” “The Year In Health” and “Obituaries Inside” (itself a joke, as there are no obits inside).
There are no local or “Area Man” stories — every item is about a real-life event, save for the horoscopes.
Given the unusual format, I’m covering this issue section by section.
World
“Russia Reiterates Zero-Tolerance Policy For Terrorists, Hostages” is the top story on the print front page and The Onion’s 2005 website. The article is about the tragedy at a school in Beslan, North Ossetia, where 186 children died (the photo above is real).
The Onion belatedly realized Prime Minister Vladimir Putin’s brutality after dismissing him in May 2004’s “Vladimir Putin Begins Second Term As Whatever He Is.”
This article wasn’t entirely satire in 2004 and feels even less so now:
“The Russian government will not accede to the terrorists’ demands, nor will it be swayed by hostage pleas for mercy,” Putin said. “Without the parents and children as hostages, the terrorists would be powerless. Anyone who assists terrorist monsters—in any capacity—is an enemy to the Russian people and will be treated as such.”
President George W. Bush praises Putin, apparently holding to the principle of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend”:4
“The enemies of freedom have no friend in Vladimir Putin,” Bush’s statement read. “He goes to any means necessary to protect his people and make the world a safer place. As the world knows, you are either with us or with the terrorists. God help those who are with the terrorists.”
Also referenced is the 2002 theater hostage crisis, which The Onion covered in 2002’s “The Russian Theater Raid.”
Society
“Gay Marriage Proponents Hope To Send Message To Religious Right Before Election” is set in August 2004, when the gay-marriage movement felt confident about the upcoming elections, including the many ballot measures. It’s a very dry joke — maybe too dry? I worry I’m misremembering this era.
What I see is The Onion skewering a few ideas, including:
That the religious right needed extra motivation to vote.
That gay-marriage proponents believed raising the temperature would help them at the ballot box.
There are multiple quotes with this sentiment:
Invigorated by victories like these, Bill Yaeger, a lawyer and co-chairman of the activist group Pride Now, said his group “plans to throw a spotlight on the gay-marriage issue” before November.
…
“Even if we don’t win any serious legislative battles, we’ll get people talking,” Yaeger said. “The issue might help to mobilize political forces in America. I just have the feeling that we’re onto something big right now, and that this year will go down in history as the year the tide turned for gay rights.”
To be fair to The Onion, the common wisdom was that Republicans won because state-level gay marriage ballot measures increased turnout — crucially, flipping Ohio to Bush. But later analysis showed no noticeable effect on turnout.
Of course, the tide did turn for gay marriage over the following decade, albeit in the other direction. In that sense, this story feels less relevant today.
Front-page headline-only jokes
These jokes encompass the “News,” “The Year At A Glance” and “Obituaries Inside” sections:
“Non-Priest Arrested On Charges Of Child Molestation”: Tough but fair joke about the Catholic Church and Michael Jackson. This is a real photo, but flipped horizontally.
“Newlywed Britney Spears Hangs Bloody Sheet In Window For Reporters”: In 10 words, The Onion mocks ancient tradition, paparazzi culture and Spears’ 2 marriages in 2004. The photo shows Spears receiving a Hollywood Walk of Fame star in 2003.
“Abu Ghraib Inside Joke Lost On Rest Of World”: Succinct, if barely satire! This is the actual photo.
“Nation Delighted By Rich Ass Who Fires People”: Look, no one predicted how relevant this would be 20 years later. This Donald Trump photo is from June 2004.
“Old Bastard, Dirty Bastard, Dirty Old Bastard, Ol’ Dirty Bastard”: Clockwise from top left, The Onion mourns President Ronald Reagan, Yasser Arafat, Russ Meyer and Ol' Dirty Bastard. We discussed The Onion’s coverage of Reagan and Arafat last year.
Crime
“Poll: Americans Feel Safer With Martha Stewart In Jail” is written like a TV news report about local residents’ relief that a dangerous criminal is off the streets.
This quote feels like it’s from the 10 o’clock news:
Of the 2,500 people polled, 22 percent said they “felt safer” and 41 percent said they “felt extremely relieved” when Stewart began serving her five-month sentence at West Virginia’s Alderson Prison.
“When I found out [Stewart] was behind a 10-foot-thick concrete wall, I heaved a huge sigh of relief,” said Daniel McAllen, a jeweler from Newark, NJ. “If she were on the streets, who knows what sort of business maneuvering she’d be up to behind closed doors?”
“I have a family to think of,” McAllen added.
Another citizen claims riots would have broken out had Stewart not been imprisoned. In The Onion’s universe, Americans are out for blood:
Of those polled, 62 percent said the five-month sentence was inadequate, with 46 percent of those believing that Stewart should have been imprisoned for 10 years or longer, and 3 percent expressing the belief that she should have received a life sentence.
To be fair, a 2003 real-life poll reported that 54% of Americans agreed with the indictment, and 60% thought she committed insider trading
It’s easy to forget that Martha Stewart wasn’t a folk hero before this scandal. And in early 2025, it’s hard to imagine a celebrity CEO garnering such widespread public sympathy for crimes committed.
My best guess, then and now, is that the public didn’t like how the government was so aggressive against a successful female CEO (and TV personality). After all, she was never tried for insider trading, as the presiding judge tossed those charges.
This article ages very well, as Stewart has regained icon status and has Snoop Dogg as a best friend.
The other crime-related item is the infographic “Lesser-Known Celebrity Trials.” I like the court case names, including “Iowa Pork Suppliers Inc. v. Emeril Lagasse.”
I don’t remember Robert Altman’s look, but he apparently resembled KFC’s Colonel Sanders.
The Jude Law joke is interesting because The Onion would soon contribute to his overexposure in February 2005’s “Jude Law's First 100 Days As People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.”
Sports
The Onion rarely covered sports, as I’ve long lamented!5 But this week, The Onion includes 2 articles.
“Yankees Lose World Series” is a fascinating way to say “Boston Red Sox break 86-year title drought,” but it’s a natural sequel to 2003’s “Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball.”
I like the joke about Yankees owner George Steinbrenner vowing to poach players from whatever team won the Series.
In “Threat Of Catching Olympic Fever At All-Time Low,” The Onion takes the word “fever” literally:
“The once-infectious strain is no longer considered contagious,” Scherr said. “This is largely because of a years-long immunization campaign in which Americans were exposed to related strains, such as NFL Fever, March Madness, and the NASCAR Immunodeficiency Virus. As a result, most American sports fans have built up powerful immunities. Just look at the once-menacing NHL Pandemic, which has been completely eradicated as of this year.”
The “NHL Pandemic” refers to the NHL lockout that canceled the 2004-05 season. Remember when pandemics were light-hearted?
The War on Terrorism
Weapons of mass destruction were proving elusive in Iraq, but The Onion presents a tantalizing alternative history in “WMDs Found: Nuclear-Weapons Programs Discovered In North Korea, Iran.”
Wildly, Iran and North Korea admit to having WMDs! The Onion relies on real-life accusations by Mohamed ElBaradei, director-general of the International Atomic Energy Agency, who in December 2004 estimated that North Korea had 4-6 nuclear bombs.
While The Onion underestimated Putin, it was prescient about the Iraq War’s flaws. As such, it twists the knife:
“These discoveries show us that the U.S. was right all along—dangerous nations do harbor nuclear intentions,” [Colin] Powell said. “Given our suspicions that hardline elements within the Iranian regime were in league with senior al-Qaeda officials, the invasion of Iraq has finally been vindicated.”
The other War on Terror item is the truly goofy headline-and-photo item “Ashcroft B@egins Crackdown On Rival Religious Folk Musicians.” This joke has been accidentally buried in the Russia story since 2005, including in the 2006 anthology “Homeland Insecurity: The Onion Complete News Archives, Volume 17.”
Bush’s attorney general recorded gospel music in the 1970s! I wonder whether this joke also references Australian country/folk musician Johnny Ashcroft.
The photo, of course, is of Cat Stevens. The print version acknowledges this by directing readers to the (nonexistent) article with “see CAT STEVENS page 19E.”
Our President in 2004
The Onion shared 3 short articles to commemorate Bush’s 2004:
“Bush Vows To Put Man On Moon Before It Disappears At End Of Month”: This joke is silly but made me laugh. The photo is no longer online.
“Bush Celebrates Millionth Utterance Of 'Lessons Of Sept. 11’”: A quick Google search reveals that Bush used this term a lot — including as late as September 2008.
“Bush Unveils New Blind-Faith-Based Initiatives”: Solid wordplay, although it didn’t move me. That said, I like this Bush quote:
“I call upon all Americans to surrender any doubts they may have about my record. After all, naysaying is no substitute for real governance.”
The Onion also asked people on the street about the U.S. being “A Polarized Nation.”6 Some of these responses could run unchanged in 2025 — after all, Merriam-Webster named “polarization” as its 2024 word of the year (more on this below).
My favorite, however, comments on the very 1990s/2000s habit of sending jokes via email:
“I got this funny e-mail about the red and blue states. I can’t remember exactly what it said, but it was funny in that poignant sort of way.”
Tom Knight • Plumbers Assistant
The Year In Health
“Obesity, Obesity Reports On The Rise” is a clever headline that acknowledges the seriousness of the issue while mocking the media’s obsession with it:
“Americans get their news about obesity by watching television or reading magazines and newspapers, which force the reader or viewer to assume a physically passive position,” Fleder said. “This contributes to weight gain, which is then dutifully reported by the media. It’s a vicious cycle.”
Obviously, many fewer Americans are getting their obesity news from “magazines and newspapers” nowadays.
Were the infographics good?
I really like “2004 Neologisms.” It reminds me of the “word of the year” declarations from Merriam-Webster, the American Dialect Society, Oxford and others.7
Most of these feel scarily real, including “ABILF,” “iraqify” and “nex.” My favorite is “degenerate—to generate material for The Ellen Degeneres Show.”
What columnists ran?
There is only 1 column this week: Jackie Harvey with “What A Year 2004 Was—For Entertainment!”
As longtime readers know, Harvey is a parody of Hollywood columnists (and Larry King’s USA Today columns) who can’t remember most of the spellings or facts. Thus, we get “Michael More” and “Fahrenheit 9-1-1.”
This column marvels at “Fahrenheit 9-1-1” and “The Last Passion of Christ” making money without casting Julia Roberts. (Harvey called the film "The Passion Of Jesus Christ Superstar” in May 2004.)
He also compliments Roberts and other celebs for their newborns:
Speaking of babies, congratulations to Julia Roberts and her husband; the couple brought home a set of twins. Glenneth Paltrow also had a bundle of joy this year and named her after her computer. Australian singer Phil Collins had a son. Actually, it was his wife who had the son, of course! Phil is male!
Harvey also comments on the Barbie and Ken breakup, the state of reality TV, celebrity deaths and Britney Spears’ marriages. Plus, we get this astounding paragraph of misstated facts:
Just when you think you’ve seen the lowest people will go, something else comes along and surprises you. Of course, I am talking about the British and their recent remake of Band Aid’s classic hit “We Are The World.” Now, I know it’s for charity and all, but a classic like “We Are The World” shouldn’t be touched. How could anyone possibly recapture the magic of Michael Jackson and Huey Lewis singing to raise money to feed Africans? Hey UK, here’s an idea: Why not write a new song for charity instead of stealing someone else’s?
I believe he’s referencing Band Aid’s 2004 re-recording of “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” which preceded “We Are The World.”
As I say frequently, Harvey’s not for everyone, but I find him delightful. Plus, I learn (sort of) about all this pop culture stuff I forgot.
What was the best horoscope?
This week’s horoscopes are excellent, but my favorite is Cancer for this reimagining of Keystone Kops:
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Your future as a professional criminal seemed rosy when you moved to Keystone, but the city has dedicated a lot of money to fielding more professional Kops.
Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.
What holds up best?
By design, these jokes are topical and not designed to endure. But sometimes you get lucky — the dripping sarcasm of “Poll: Americans Feel Safer With Martha Stewart In Jail” continues to resonate.
Likewise, “Old Bastard, Dirty Bastard, Dirty Old Bastard, Ol’ Dirty Bastard” remains an excellent headline.
What holds up worst?
The Christopher Reeve joke is muted (he’s in heaven, after all!), but I guess I don’t understand why he was such a punchline.
What would be done differently today?
The Onion has long done “year in review” items. For 2024, this included an impressive “Our Annual Year” page linking to The Onion’s best work.
Prior years were designed like a slideshow, including in 2023 and 2022.
Thank you
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No issue next Sunday, but we’ll be back in 2 weeks. See you then!
I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.
Eminem has referenced Reeve an astounding 44 times!
In real life, Bush used a UN speech to condemn terrorists without mentioning Putin or the Russian government.
I noted last year how, as of mid-2004, The Onion had never mentioned Tom Brady despite his 3 Super Bowls in 4 years.
The 2025 website cuts off 1 word in the “Yeah. Sheesh—” response: “women.” You can view it in the 2005 archived version.
Hat tip to for alerting me to the American Dialect Society last month!
Just wild speculation here, but I wonder if some of the Reeve-bashing wasn't subconsciously inspired by those erstwhile '90s-'00s jokes about *Keanu* Reeves' wooden acting.
Oh goody - I vividly remembered the "Old Bastard, Dirty Bastard, Dirty Old Bastard, Old Dirty Bastard" headline but could never remember who the non-Reagan, non-Arafat, non-ODB one was. (In googling Meyer I also learned that apparently Kitten Natividad died a few years ago - RIP!)