20 years ago, The Onion listed everything that can go wrong

Plus, The Onion jokes about the Michael Jackson verdict, John Updike, Chinese factories, Habitat for Humanity, President Bush and much more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit June 15, 2005.

This week, we’re revisiting an attempt to name every problem humanity could ever encounter. It’s a long list! Plus, we’ll explore The Onion’s reaction to the Michael Jackson verdict — and why it didn’t make the newspaper.

If you’re new here, welcome! Please sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 24, the 246th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005 and today. There’s no archive of the 2015 issue page.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

These 2 jokes are no longer online:

• “Life At Neverland Ranch Returns To Ludicrous”: This online-only joke disappeared from The Onion’s website as early as September 2005.

• “Mail-Order Bride Comes In Wrong Color, Size”: This joke was mentioned in an ABC News profile of The Onion from 2009.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

The Onion’s homepage on June 15, 2005, with Michael Jackson headlines added on the right-hand side.

Until late 2005, The Onion published a print newspaper and zero online-only content, with a few exceptions, such as after the deaths of former President Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul II.

20 years ago today, another exception was made for Michael Jackson, who was acquitted of child-molestation charges on June 13, 2005. Above is a screenshot of The Onion’s homepage from June 15, 2005, which contains 2 jokes and 1 photo about MJ:

• “Enchanted By Own Innocence, Michael Jackson Molests Self”: This headline was cited in a 2006 book review by The Wall Street Journal. The photo is of Jackson leaving the courthouse.

• “Life At Neverland Ranch Returns To Ludicrous”: Ironically, Jackson never returned to the ranch.

These jokes are solid but not necessarily memorable. If you’re looking for a classic, revisit March 2005’s “Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse Of Real Michael Jackson.”

A new Habitrail For Humanity structure nears completion in Payneville.

The Onion’s top story for Vol. 41, Issue 24, is a straightforward parody that’s loosely inspired by real life. “Habitrail For Humanity Under Fire” imagines Habitrail for Humanity as a stand-in for Habitat for Humanity: Both were founded in 1976 to build low-cost housing and offer no-interest mortgages.

Habitrail,² of course, is the company that makes hamster cages. In The Onion’s alternate universe, they also make human housing:

“Because of Habitrail For Humanity, another 600 families are inside, out of the rain, and away from danger every year. With the help of our no-interest mortgages, these people will be owning residences for the first time in their lives. After spending years in cramped, dirty apartments, they finally have enough room to scurry around.”

A new homeowner investigates his dwelling.

Critics say the humans are literally trapped in a plastic cage. But Habitrail for Humanity isn’t apologizing:

“We’re looking forward to the day when we can turn to all of America’s low-income families and say, ’Let us put a lid over your heads.’”

And they have bipartisan support, with Sen. Jesse Helms and actress/activist Ashley Judd each volunteering. Many residents are optimistic, too:

Brinks’ 7-year-old daughter Molly said she is excited about her new home.

“Climbing up to the dome on top with the other kids is fun,” Molly said. “And a man comes in every day to give us food and fresh water. I like drinking from the big bottle in the corner. It’s cool!”

I mentioned a real-life inspiration for this article. Habitat for Humanity’s founder had been forced out several months earlier after being accused of misconduct. This led to legal battles and infighting about the charity’s future. Habitat didn’t name a new president until August 2005.

One last note: The Onion wasn’t the 1st to use the phrase “Habitrail for Humanity,” as it was the title of a 1997 Washington Post article and a 2000 Wired article.

The Onion makes fun of manufacturing

Chen makes yet more stupid crap for consumers overseas.

The Onion shined a light on U.S. manufacturing in this issue, starting with “Chinese Factory Worker Can't Believe The Shit He Makes For Americans.”

The Onion is, of course, satirizing American consumption of cheap, poorly made plastic products. But this is also based on real-life protests in China against factory pollution.

Our protagonist is Chen Hsien, who works in a plastics factory and is baffled by the products he has to manufacture:

Among the items that Chen has helped create are plastic-bag dispensers, microwave omelet cookers, glow-in-the-dark page magnifiers, Christmas-themed file baskets, animal-shaped contact-lens cases, and adhesive-backed wall hooks.

He also decries salad shooters, taco-shell holders and plastic beverage holders for cars. That said, he’d rather make American goods than disassemble them, as his cousin does.

The Onion also features Chinese protesters — but they’re mad about American waste and bad taste:

“Finally, the girls joined hands on the factory floor and began to chant, ’No more insane flying toys for Western pigs!’ They quickly lost their jobs and were ostracized by their families, but the incident was a testament to China’s growing disillusionment with producing needless crap for fat-ass foreigners.”

This article has been reshared many times over the years, including by Grist (2008) and ThinkProgress (2013). Amid the U.S.-China trade war in 2025, The Onion has reshared this on social media, including Instagram.

The Great Recession didn’t really kick off until 2007, but in hindsight, maybe General Motors claiming to lose money on every vehicle sold in 2005 was a harbinger.

“GM's Rising Costs” has cogent critiques, but I’m laughing at stupid jokes like these:

• “$625: Expensive hats for Mrs. GM”

• “$7,000: Put simply, a certain high-ranking GM executive likes exposing himself at interstate weigh stations, and certain members of the Belarusian underworld happen to know this.”

“Mrs. GM.” I’m imagining a cross between Mrs. Met and the Michelin Man?

The Onion checks in on politics

Hecht meets and greets a lavatory visitor.

“Politician Awkwardly Works The Bathroom” published 2 years before Sen. Larry Craig³ was arrested for lewd conduct in an airport bathroom stall. As such, this story feels rather tame!

Phil Hecht is a candidate for county executive in Michigan, and part of his strategy is shaking hands in the men’s restroom. Weird, but not criminal:

“That politician guy didn’t seem to realize how weird it was in there,” said David Muntz, a local orthodontist. “I don’t know… It was like he couldn’t turn it off.”

“I had to wash up an extra time after he glad-handed me,” Muntz added.

(Also, does Hecht kind of look like Eli Manning?)

Hecht tells bathroom users how much their vote would mean to him.

Hecht talks with/annoys several potential voters throughout the article. Then again, he’s always been an unorthodox campaigner:

Last week, he was ejected from a high-school softball game after handing out literature from row to row in the bleachers. In May, he was criticized for stationing himself outside of a church and buttonholing potential voters as they left a funeral.

This is a solid satire of door-to-door campaigning, which can be awkward even when you’re not accosting people in the bathroom.

Other politics items in this issue include:

• “Secret Service Not Sure If That Suit Of Armor Was In Oval Office Yesterday”: Very silly. I like the Photoshopping.

• “Bush Fishing For Compliments During Press Conference”: The press corps refused to compliment his recent speech on Social Security or his suit.

• “Medical Marijuana”: The Supreme Court had recently allowed the federal government to ban marijuana even in states offering exceptions. The Onion asked people about this. I find this response fascinating — The Onion mocks the critique of marijuana as a gateway drug but overlooks what would eventually become the opioid crisis:

  • “The Court made the right decision. Once you legalize the medical use of marijuana, it’s only a matter of time before you start seeing medical use of harder narcotics, like morphine.”

    Robert Yablon • Banker

(One of these responses is truncated on today’s website. View the 2005 archive to see it in full.)

Area People doing Area Things

“Everything That Can Go Wrong Listed” is extremely literal, as it includes the image above with many, many enumerated problems.

The so-called Project Awry team has chronicled “hundreds of trillions” of scenarios yet cannot say their list is exhaustive. All problems are treated equally, as this example shows:

“You know that thing when you don’t invite an annoying friend to your party, and then, on the night of the party, an acquaintance from work brings that friend as a date?” said Project Awry researcher Hideko Manabe of Kyoto University. “That’s on the list.”

Manabe added: “I believe it’s right after ’neglecting the maintenance of reactor cooling system, leading to core meltdown.’”

Read the whole thing for even more problems.

Other Area People jokes in this issue include:

• “New Lawn-Care Product Makes Neighbor's Lawn Less Green”: The “No-Gro” is a play on Miracle-Gro.

• “Coke Party Takes A Couple Minutes To Get Going”: You know this is a 2005 joke because Chingy is playing at the party.

• “Portugal Finally Gets It Together”: The article quotes Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, whom we last saw in November 2004’s “Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls.”

• “Area Man Tired Of Making Excuses For Rapist Friend”: This is a “Me Too” era joke hiding out in the mid-2000s.

• “All Of Math Teacher's Examples Involve Moon Pies”: This seems like an OK way of teaching?

While most of Stonitch’s students have no idea what a Moon Pie is, eighth-grader Trace Crutchfield said, “Whenever Mr. Stonitch says ’Moon Pies,’ we just think of that as a generic unit.”

Were the infographics good?

“Top Cassette Tapes Stuck In Car Stereos” is in a rare Onion category: A joke that was outdated when published but somehow became more relevant 20 years later.

In 2005, cassette sales were essentially nonexistent, with digital downloads and ringtones(!) chipping away at CDs’ dominant lead.

But cassettes have always been a cultural force because of Walkmans, boomboxes and in-car cassette players. Maybe that’s why they’re making a niche comeback — with sales rising almost 800% from 2014 to 2022.

Anyways, the jokes are solid! I especially like “He's Just Not That Into You, read by Patrick Stewart” and “Tony's Summer Love Mix '94.”

What columnists ran?

“I Wish Someone Would Do Something About How Fat I Am” feels like a relic from the era of “hey, the joke is this guy’s fat!” but it kind of — sort of — predicts Ozempic and other GLP-1 drugs?

I wish someone in the scientific community would look out for the obese little guy. They could provide liposuction and stomach stapling so a person like me would no longer be a danger to himself. Or, better, they could design a “magic bullet” to cure my corpulence. I mean, it seems like there should at least be a medicine that will make me stop stuffing my face when I’m full five times over. No kidding: If someone had an experimental new pill that would stop me from stuffing my face with food once I’m full five times over, I’d be the first in line to take it. Well, I mean, I would allow doctors to come to my home and administer the drug while I was comfortably splayed out on my sofa in my robe. That’s how serious I am about having someone do something about my weight problem.

The tone of this column is sadder than I imagined! It’s well-written, but not the most fun read 20 years later.

Our other column is “Did I Say That, Or Did John Updike?” This rewards the reader who has read John Updike’s novels, especially the “Rabbit” series. I have not read them.⁴

Our columnist, Tucker Vorhees, is attempting to tell his wife he wants a divorce, but he can’t stop interrupting himself with supposed Updike quotes, then interrupting himself again to wonder whether he or Updike said it:

What? Well, gosh. I guess I don’t know why I brought you here… I guess I… How to explain… You know, it’s sort of like that part from Updike’s In The Beauty Of The Lilies. Do you remember? Where it’s Tuesday, and Clarence is driving with his wife, and he says, “Helen, I have been having an affair with my receptionist. I want a divorce.”⁵ It’s in the third chapter, I believe. Although, having given it a moment’s thought, it occurs to me I may have conflated that with something that happened to me roughly half an hour ago.

There are a handful of real Updike quotes, although our columnist mistakenly credits himself for at least one:

Say… This is like Rabbit At Rest. Remember? How’s that go again? I think it’s, “Most of American life consists of driving somewhere and then returning home, wondering why the hell you went.” Actually, no. That was a thing I said.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Virgo for this imaginative cold open to a larger tale:

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Your desperation to escape the buses that are constantly hitting you will force you to build a time machine, which will deposit you just downhill from where an early Homo sapien is attaching the first four wheels on a huge hollow log.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“Everything That Can Go Wrong Listed” is the easy choice for me.

“Chinese Factory Worker Can't Believe The Shit He Makes For Americans” is also enduring, and not just because of today’s geopolitics.

What holds up worst?

In “Everything That Can Go Wrong Listed,” The Onion comes across as Luddites, as it occasionally did.⁶ Like, did The Onion not think you could look up worst-case scenarios in 2005?

“Within a decade, laypeople might be able to log onto the Internet or go to their public library and consult volumes listing the myriad things that could go wrong,” Dyce said. “It could prove a very valuable research tool or preventative stopgap. For example, if you’re shopping for a car, you can prepare yourself by boning up on the 98,627 bad things that could happen during the purchasing process.”

What would be done differently today?

“I Wish Someone Would Do Something About How Fat I Am” feels like a relic of easy fat jokes, but if The Onion did run it today, it would have to acknowledge Ozempic and other GLP-1s.

I feel like “Politician Awkwardly Works The Bathroom” would be about a real politician today. A joke like August 2024’s “Aides Beg JD Vance To Stop Carrying Model Of Woman’s Pelvis While Meeting Voters” is loosely in this genre.

Thank you

I’m so grateful to be writing this for anyone, much less such a big community. Thanks for being here.

Next week, we’ll look at The Onion’s futuristic 2056 issue — which is heavily reliant on now-defunct Flash technology. See you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. That link goes to a 2005 version of Habitrail’s website. You might need the Ruffle extension to see the Flash animations.

3. The Onion mentioned Craig semi-regularly, most notably as a leather-clad arm wrestling aficionado in October 2000’s “Half-Naked Kissinger Thrown Out Of U.S. News & World Report Mansion.”

4. I’m not a big novel person! I’m somewhat familiar with Updike’s New Yorker output.

5. When I Googled this line, the AI preview attempted to console me and link to the divorce laws in my state.

6. The platonic ideal of this tendency is 2000’s “Internet Opens Up Whole New World Of Illness For Local Hypochondriac,” where The Onion mistakenly treats the internet like a fad but correctly diagnoses its downsides.