20 years ago, The Onion quoted Anthony Weiner before he was famous

Plus, jokes about Nicole Kidman, Botswana, the WikiConstitution, and the guy in philosophy class who won't shut up.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Sept. 28, 2005.

For newer subscribers, welcome! So much of The Onion’s history is lost or disorganized. My goal each week is to rediscover that history and share it with you. So please, find the Onion jokes that intrigue you, and click through to read them!

This week, the most famous joke is probably “Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up.” But there are a few hidden gems — including an appearance by a politician who would later become famous for all the wrong reasons.

ICYMI:

• The Onion has made a mockumentary about Jeffrey Epstein.

• The Onion added a “Latest” page where you can read jokes in reverse-chronological order, which is cool.

• I’m publishing 2x per week now. If you only want the Sunday edition, you can always adjust which “sections” you get at this link.¹

As always, this newsletter is free to all, but your financial support helps me spend ~8-12 hours per week researching and writing. Upgrade via Substack, or buy me a coffee as a one-time gift!

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 39, the 259th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005, 2015 and today.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. You can pre-order his book on The Onion.²

The front-page headlines “Aromatherapist Fails To Factor In Own Falafel Breath” and “Hurricane Victims’ 15 Minutes About Up” didn’t make it online in 2005. The aromatherapist joke is online today as a broken radio link (but you can listen to the audio via Internet Archive).

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Dr. Julia Horton explains to a group of villagers that they will all soon be dead.

“U.S. Launches AIDS-Awareness Campaign In Botswana: ‘You All Have AIDS,’ Says U.S.” is a reaction to real-life efforts by the Bush administration to combat HIV/AIDS in Botswana — even if they likely exaggerated their impact.

I’ve written before about my discomfort with The Onion’s coverage of Africa in the 2000s. While they were obviously mocking Western stereotypes, they sometimes reinforced them.

HIV/AIDS was even trickier to satirize. President George W. Bush was unusually passionate about HIV/AIDS issues, but in the right direction. The Onion couldn’t necessarily lean on the usual Bush tropes of the swaggering cowboy or nepo idiot.

Botswanans near the village of Palapye are targeted with vital information about AIDS.

What did The Onion do? They ignored Bush and invented a ghoulish nonprofit called the AIDS Awareness Organization (AAO).

This group isn’t trying to prevent or treat HIV/AIDS. No, they simply want to inform everyone in Botswana (and several other African countries) that they’re about to die — and what they’re dying of:

Garrity said the AAO will not rest until the thousands upon thousands of orphaned children in Botswana understand the disease that killed their parents.

“If we get the word out that people here have AIDS, they will no longer live in fear of not understanding what is slowly killing them all,” Garrity said. “On our watch, every last Botswanan will receive the help they need to come to the conclusion that they have this affliction. If it’s the last thing we do, we will explain this illness and describe medicines that theoretically could help treat it.”

This wasn’t entirely a joke — almost 40% of adults were infected in the early 2000s. Fortunately, Botswana has made incredible progress against HIV over the past 30 years.

Nicole Kidman.

Switching gears, we have the celebrity story “Two Publicists, Stylist, Personal Assistant Injured As Nicole Kidman Turns On Handlers,” which takes place at the real-life Chateau Marmont hotel in Los Angeles.

This story mocks Hollywood icons for their entourages, egos and insecurity — and combines that with the “when animals attack!” genre.

In this case, Kidman is the animal, mauling the stylist with her “cherry-red, two-inch talons.” Fortunately, the authorities eventually respond:

Celebrity-control officers working with the LAPD cornered the actress outside a sound stage at Hollywood Center Studios late Tuesday and shot her with a tranquilizer dart after failing to coax her into custody with an expensive gift bag.

“She was just calmly feeding at a craft-services table, unaware of all the havoc she raised,” celebrity-control officer Rene Bofill said. “After being tranquilized, she began to snort and rave, knocking down tables and chairs before she collapsed near the set of That’s So Raven.”³

Meanwhile, The Onion quotes a former personal assistant who says “there is no such thing as a tame star,” citing her 1999 encounter with “the powerful jaws of a Chris O’Donnell.”

Police rope off the area outside Chateau Marmont, where the Kidman attack took place.

Kidman’s fate is unknown:

Kidman is currently in captivity in a Brentwood celebrity preserve while authorities debate whether she should be destroyed.

I’m guessing this article was partially inspired by a slew of celebrity incidents in 2005, including:

• A paparazzo assaulted Disney employees in early September while trying to photograph Reese Witherspoon’s daughter’s birthday.

• Lindsey Lohan and Scarlett Johansson⁴ were involved in car crashes with paparazzi.

• Brad Pitt holed up at the Chateau Marmont after his breakup with Jennifer Aniston.

• Russell Crowe was arrested for assaulting a hotel clerk, and Grace Jones reportedly assaulted a train clerk in Europe.

The Onion covers politics

Unconfirmed evidence of a possible election, found beside a garbage can in Brooklyn, NY.

“Report: Some Sort Of Primary Just Happened” doesn’t just mock Americans for not voting in off-year primaries; it portrays them as not even knowing whether primaries exist! It’s a clever inverse of October 2002’s “Huge Democracy Geek Even Votes In Primaries.”⁵

But this is also a very local joke. The Onion’s writing staff was based in New York City from 2001 to 2011. And the photo above features a real-life flyer for David Galarza, a candidate in NYC’s Democratic primaries. He finished 3rd (PDF link) in the 38th City Council District race.

Here’s the fun part: Guess what other NYC politician is featured?

Anthony Weiner!

The FEAC’s Repstad said that the organization contacted a man believed to have been a candidate for New York City mayor to ask him if a primary had taken place. His “highly cryptic” response only served to raise new questions.

“I have no comment, other than to say that I congratulate Fernando Ferrer once again and that he has my full and unwavering support,” said the man identified by the FEAC as Anthony Weiner.

Weiner was the youngest NYC City Council member ever before being elected to Congress in his mid-30s. He’s in this article because he lost the 2005 Democratic mayoral primary.

His career didn’t go smoothly after that.

Other political jokes in this issue include:

• “Bush’s Approval Rating Of Other Americans Also At All-Time Low”: The Onion references Bush’s 40% approval rating in the Sept. 16-18, 2005, Gallup poll. While Bush rebounded to 45% the following week, he never reached that mark again.

• “Congress Abandons WikiConstitution”: This is funny, but reveals how Luddite-like The Onion’s staff was. In July 2006, they’d double down with “Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence.”

• “Nobody In Ukraine Notices Absence Of Government”: Ukraine remains incredibly relevant. But for a more ambitious joke about struggling former Soviet republics, I’d recommend February 2005’s accidental prediction of Kyrgyzstan’s Tulip Revolution.

Finally, while more spiritual than political, “Gay Clergymen” sees The Onion ask about the Vatican’s decision to bar new gay priests. The website version omitted 3 of the print answers, including this reference to Michelangelo's sexuality:

“It’s a good thing they didn’t outlaw gay painters. It’d be a shame to see the Sistine Chapel painted over.”

John Basile • Dentist

Area People doing Area Things

Floen (inset) is known to make his insufferable comments during class at Thornton Hall.

“Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up” has been burned into my memory for 20 years, likely because I graduated from college in 2005 as a double major in philosophy and communications.

But it’s not just me: This joke periodically resurfaces on Reddit, academic blogs and The Onion’s social channels. It’s also been ripped off by at least one college publication.

The story takes place in Philosophy 101 class at Dartmouth College, where everyone hates freshman Darrin Floen:

“Just last week Professor Rosenthal was talking about Russell’s Paradox, and that jackass starts going off: ’But what about Heraclitus’ aphorism: Everything flows, nothing stands still?’” classmate James Luers said. “At first I was like, ’That’s totally irrelevant,’ but then I was like, ’Well, actually, it does apply to the nonstop flapping of your trap.’”

Curiously, there is a real-life professor of philosophy named Michael Rosenthal, but he teaches at the University of Washington.

Floen is apparently like this all the time:

“Some people know Darrin as just ’that guy in philosophy class who needs to shut the hell up,’” Deekes said. “I, however, also know him as ’the douche in African history who seriously needs to chill’ and ’the a-hole in environmental sciences who could really use a girlfriend.’”

As a 42-year-old, I don’t pretend to fully understand college students,⁶ but it’s still a place where young adults are trying to learn and figure themselves out. Versions of Floen and his classmates surely exist today.

Other Area People jokes in this issue include:

• “Local Building Accessible To Only The Strongest Of The Handicapped”: Credit to The Onion’s graphics team for this clever illustration.

• “Carhartt Introduces Rugged Work Thong”: This joke also works better with a visual.

• “Delta Blues Poised For Biggest Revival Since 1915”: An unusually subtle Katrina joke by The Onion. New songs include “FEMA Don’t Come ’Round No More.”

• “New PSA Reduces Accidental Staplings By 33 Percent”: I chuckled, but I also can’t remember the last time I used a stapler, much less folder systems:

  • “OSHA was inspired to make the film after a 2002 PSA was credited with reducing the number of manila-file-foldering fatalities by 20 percent.”

Were the infographics good?

“NASA Moon Mission” was the latest development in Bush’s ultimately failed plan to return to the moon.

The Virgin Atlantic joke is interesting — Richard Branson has been remarkably successful at marketing himself and the Virgin brand.

“Dramatic narration to be provided by actor Patrick Stewart” would have been pretty cool.

“Most Common Addictions” is full of very mid-2000s references like J.K. Rowling, Courtney Love and text messaging. “Alarmist health news” is easily the most timeless joke.

“FEMA Disaster Survival Tips” sees The Onion make a lot of dark jokes, possibly for catharsis. Not only is FEMA mocked, but The Onion also jokes about dead bodies and reports of people shooting at rescue helicopters.

This is a good example of the tone:

Children should try to decide on which stuffed animals they don’t want to die of starvation, disease, or exposure.

What columnists ran?

Brett Waggoner

“Women Have To Stop Starving Themselves Past The Point Of Hotness” might not be for everyone, just an FYI.

Our columnist, Brett Waggoner, probably believes himself a hero. After all, he cares about women’s health, right? But his concern is entirely rooted in women being the exact right (low) weight that sparks his sexual interest:

A woman should have a pleasingly light, impossibly fragile appearance, much like a piece of fine china, but if her body has begun digesting the calcium in its bones to sustain its necessary functions, there is a good chance she has starved herself beyond the point where I would even want to have sex with her at all.

This is the type of guy who thinks “a little anorexia” is fine and that Kate Winslet is “a fat cow,” which is crazy, but Winslet got these sorts of comments for years.

This is very dark satire that shines a light on our society, not just this guy.

T. Eric Mayhew

On the lighter side, “There’s No Problem I Can Handle” features T. Eric Mayhew, who is earnest about his incompetence.

This column follows in the proud tradition of February 1999’s “Loved Ones Recall Local Man’s Cowardly Battle With Cancer” and November 2001’s “Man Dies After Long And Painful Battle With Life.”

We’ve all seen middle-aged men online about the younger generations being soft, having no “real” skills and crying about everything instead of being a man. In Mayhew’s case, they’d be right:

Some people look at adversity as a challenge. I’m not one of them. I see adversity like this: menacing, cold-hearted adversity. When life gives me lemons, I wish desperately for lemonade. But as I lack the sugar and ice necessary to make it, the lemons instead rot away in the drawer of the refrigerator until several months later, when I eventually throw them away.

So literal about the lemons!

Mayhew was kicked out of his mother’s house at age 35, but he couldn’t survive on his own and now lives in a group home, where he’s clearly depressed:

Sometimes, when everything seems to be going wrong, I repeat to myself of the old saying, “God doesn’t make any bad days, just bad people who are good for nothing, like myself.”

OK, maybe this isn’t lighter material.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Pisces, with apologizes to the Carl Weathers and Smokey the Bear references:

Pisces: February 19 - March 20

Late at night, you still see the faces of every single one of your victims, which would not be half as horrifying if you weren’t the exterminator for the city of Newark.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up” will be timeless for as long as philosophy classes exist in college. “Carhartt Introduces Rugged Work Thong” is a great joke, too.

People seem to like Nicole Kidman, but she has had a nice career revival, so maybe “Two Publicists, Stylist, Personal Assistant Injured As Nicole Kidman Turns On Handlers” is newly relevant.

I’m concerned “Women Have To Stop Starving Themselves Past The Point Of Hotness” will regain relevance in this era of magical weight-loss drugs.

What holds up worst?

“Most Common Addictions” is pretty forgettable.

What would be done differently today?

I’m sad The Onion wasted “Congress Abandons WikiConstitution” on such a basic joke. There’s potential for a more ambitious, funnier article here.

The Onion has so much Robert F. Kennedy Jr. coverage today, which is understandable. But it’s a higher intensity of coverage than The Onion ever gave John Ashcroft, Donald Rumsfeld or even Dick Cheney.

Thank you

So glad to have y’all here. Please don’t hesitate to comment or email with your thoughts, feedback or questions! This newsletter takes a lot of work, but I love doing it. It’s not quite public service, but I hope it’s bringing something new and fun to people.

See you next time!

1. I hope you want to get the Sunday and Wednesday editions, but I’d rather you not unsubscribe altogether!

2. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

3. A great detail by The Onion, as “That’s So Raven” was filmed at Hollywood Center Studios.

4. Jackie Harvey blogged about these incidents on Sept. 23, 2005. Meanwhile, a blogger from Reason blamed the actresses — and linked to the Kidman article.

5. As I wrote in 2022, primaries always attract less turnout than general elections, but post-2016 participation is generally higher than 20 or 30 years ago.

6. I’m on an advisory board at my alma mater, and it’s been fascinating to sit in on classes and meet today's students.