20 years ago, The Onion covered Bush's Iraq speech at the U.N.

We also explore Conan O'Brien's 2002 Emmys, the "Top Gun" of pilots, the Cable Ace Awards and Stephen King.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 2, 2002.

Happy to see the Substack network sending folks my way. This is a lengthy email, but I hope it’s a fun distraction. And please click on the links — I want to share The Onion’s genius, not just my opinions.

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What issue is this?

This was Vol. 38, Issue 36, the 119th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.

The story “Toy-Buying Tips For Parents” originally ran in 2001 but was republished for this issue.

No longer online are 2 front-page headlines: The ridiculous “Sleeping Dom DeLuise¹ Unaware Face Being Tickled By Lion's Tail” and the obvious “Nurse Has Amazing Medicine Cabinet.”

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Bush addresses the U.N. General Assembly.

“Bush Seeks U.N. Support For 'U.S. Does Whatever It Wants' Plan” is loosely based on Bush’s real speech to the United Nations on Sept. 12, 2002. Both talk about common rights, the need for peace and the role of the U.S. military. However, Onion Bush has a more specific vision:

"After the unspeakable events of last Sept. 11, the U.S. was deeply touched by the outpouring of support and condolences from our neighbors and allies the world over," Bush said. "This kindness played a vital role in our national healing process, but, more importantly, it cemented our long-standing self-image as the country, with all other nations lumped together into a vague, foreign Other Place. I call upon you now to join us in our vision of America as the only country whose wishes matter."

Bush criticizes Saddam Hussein for wanting to be president of Iraq when the U.S. disagrees. Bush also talks trade, calling for no tariffs on U.S. exports and massive levies on foreign exports.

Bush also wants to improve the everyday life of Americans, although there’s a catch:

"After this resolution is passed, we will begin a 10-year project to clean out our nation's landfills and toxic-waste sites, transport the materials to Central American jungles, and build low-cost housing on the newly cleared land.”

This story holds up well in one sense, given that Bush moved ahead with the invasion of Iraq.² But do we need to care about it 20 years later?

Let me say first that the story’s existence is important. The Onion should not ignore the sitting president, especially when he’s making news. And this is well-written and clever in responding to Bush’s speech.

But is it so funny that we’re quoting it today? No. Is it memorable the way Richard Nixon impressions and SNL’s Gerald Ford, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush impersonations permeate the public consciousness? Maybe to some people?

Or is it more like Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump — technically proficient but more about scoring points than getting laughs.

To be fair, I think there are good arguments for this story’s wit. It’s written like a real presidential speech, except for the absurd twist — that’s a classic Onion move. And this is the latest article where The Onion correctly guesses that Bush only cares about invading Iraq.

Obviously, I’m still figuring out how to analyze The Onion’s Iraq coverage. I like this article, I think it’s done well and should be the top story. But it feels like a B+ effort (and that’s really good — satire is hard!).

I say B+ because I think The Onion did better, funnier work. It’s less fundamentally humorous than, say, “Bush On Economy: 'Saddam Must Be Overthrown,’” also from October 2002, or 1996’s “U.S. 'Sends Message' to Iraq With Massive Display of Beefcake.” And it’s not as good a prediction as The Onion essentially anticipating ISIS in 2003.

Let me know how I’m wrong on this, though!

Haas casts his vote in some obscure Sept. 10 election.

Our other big politics story from 20 years ago is “Huge Democracy Geek Even Votes In Primaries.” This might be the best example of how our political landscape has changed in 20 years.

Yes, most people don’t vote in primaries, but this year’s turnout outperformed 2018, which itself was much higher than 2014. Moreover, it would feel weird for everyone today to mock someone for caring out political races!

Even David Haas’ family thinks his voting habit is weird, to the point of signaling deep psychological problems.

"My guess is, it's his way of hiding from the real world," said Jennifer Thorsten, Haas' sister.

Maybe The Onion writers were making fun of the obsessive political people in their lives, especially ahead of the 2002 midterms. I get that, but it still feels weird to read today.

We also have “The NYC Smoking Ban,” as cities started to ban smoking inside restaurants and bars. I’m old enough to remember smoking sections at the local diner. Some of y’all probably remember smoking on airplanes!

I do like this quote. Thankfully, “Mad Men” came along a few years later to satisfy this craving for us:

"But what will I draw slowly on to indicate that I'm contemplating what's been said by my dinner companion?"

Dennis McCormack • Systems Analyst

What were TV, movies and radio up to?

RIAA president Hilary Rosen and attorney Russell Frackman answer questions in a Los Angeles courthouse.

It’s been a couple of years since The Onion covered the Napster saga, and “RIAA Sues Radio Stations For Giving Away Free Music” is a fun return to form.

This is vicious satire that doesn’t forget that the RIAA was unusually litigious -- not just suing Napster but also individual people for downloading a few songs. Also noteworthy is that The Onion names the real-life RIAA president and attorney.³ It’s clear that The Onion knew exactly who they were and wanted to go after them.

This is a clever article for two reasons. One, The Onion parrots the industry’s arguments about illegal downloading and twists them so the RIAA is attacking radio stations, radio listeners and even children:

"I've heard reports that children as young as 8 tape radio broadcasts for their own personal use," Rosen said. "They listen to a channel that has a limited rotation of only the most popular songs—commonly called 'Top 40' stations—then hit the 'record' button when they hear the opening strains of the song they want. And how much are they paying for these songs? A big fat zip."

Taping off the radio? What is this, 1995?

Secondly, The Onion pretends that massive radio conglomerate Clear Channel is the good guy(!) and that Top 40 radio is … indie?

"All these companies care about is profits," said Amy Legrand, 21, an avid Jacksonville, FL, radio user who surreptitiously records up to 10 songs a day off the radio. "Top 40 radio is taking the power out of the hands of the Ahmet Erteguns⁴ of the world and bringing it back to the people of Clear Channel and Infinity Broadcasting. It's about time somebody finally stood up to those record-company fascists."

Just over 20 years ago, Conan O’Brien hosted the Emmy Awards, which is probably the last Emmys I’ve watched. The wonderful Onion columnist Jackie Harvey weighs in with “Conan 'Conanquers' The Emmys!”

Harvey’s shtick is that he’s a clueless melding of Larry King’s USA Today column and an Entertainment Weekly columnist. So he writes things like “TV's reigning golden couple Jane Kaczyzmarezk and the guy from The West Wing. And who ever expected to see Kelsey Grammar at an Emmy ceremony?”

And in a very Larry King-like fashion, he interjects random asides on society, like this gem:

To all those child abductors and killers out there, I've got just one thing to say: Enough!

I could write this entire newsletter about Jackie Harvey. Three things I want to leave you with.

1. He devotes a paragraph to debating the merits of the “Switch to Mac” and “Dell Guy” commercials. I’m genuinely curious: Are commercials that well-known today? Except for the Super Bowl ads, maybe?

2. The Onion loved having Harvey misname Tupac Shakur as Two-Pack Shaker and Notorious B.I.G. as Notary B.I.G. It has not aged well, but at least it’s consistent.

3. You know how Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are married now? Let’s revisit Bennifer 1.0:

Item! A little bird told me that Matt Affleck is dating Jennifer "Left Eye" Lopez, and I couldn't be more excited. I loved Matt in The Sum Of All The Pretty Horse Whisperers, and I've worn out the grooves on J. Lo's latest hit CD. Could wedding bells be in their future? Check here for more on that later!

Good lord.

Finally, there were 2 short articles about movies and music:

• “Large Dependent Film Tops Weekend Box Office” is a simple joke but does have me intrigued about the fictional Mel Gibson-Cameron Diaz movie “A Perfect Alibi.”

• “Band Loudly Discusses Record Deal At IHOP” is about the booming(?) Akron, Ohio, music scene. I love that the lead singer wants a producer credit because “the demo was burned on his iMac.”

Area People doing Area Things

The happily underemployed Braxton.

“Temp Hides Fun, Fulfilling Life From Rest Of Office” is sort of a precursor to Ryan the temp on “The Office,” except this temp works at a Boston law firm (so, “Boston Legal”?).

This isn’t exactly a “quiet quitting” article, but Ty Braxton is adamant that he only works the assigned hours and values his free time. He happily accepts the tradeoff, which is being paid $8.44 an hour:

"I have so much going on in my life right now," Braxton said. "I'm helping a friend start up a little Cajun food stand, I've gotten way into this Russian poet Mayakovsky, I've been hanging out with this really cool girl I met when my band, Sophie Drillteam, did a show with hers. Honestly, I just don't have the time or energy to put into some job."

Braxton is also translating Alexander Pushkin's unfinished novel “Dubrovsky” into English.

Good for this guy! Not that I follow his chill lifestyle. I mean, I write this after I work a full week!

Other Area People stories in this issue include:

• “Tokyo Squeezes In Five More Residents”: I guess the joke is that everyone knows how crowded Tokyo is?⁵ A 1-bedroom apartment housing 6 is renovated so it can fit 11 people.

• “Purchase Justified By Theoretical $50 Rebate”: This isn’t the funniest story, but I appreciate how many details The Onion fits into 1 paragraph.

• “Cage Match Settles Nothing”: I love a good wrestling story, especially about World Championship Wrestling (RIP). And this quote is perfect: “Psycho Sid, who lost the match by disqualification, continues to insist that he is the superior wrestler, a claim with which Violator vehemently disagreed.”

• The other 2 front-page headlines in this issue were “Toll-Booth Girl Hit On Quickly” (an all-time favorite of mine) and “Cable Ace Award Thrown Out In Apartment Move” (the awards ended in the late 1990s).

Were the infographics good?

I was surprised to see “Stephen King Calls It Quits” because he obviously didn’t retire. In fact, in 2019, he said he was nowhere near retirement!

I still like most of these jokes, especially the ones about bags of cash and yelling at the typewriter. I think the joke about when King was almost killed by a van could have been better.

Fast food was huge in 2002! The Onion was constantly writing about real-life sagas, but here, it’s a purely fictional “Least Healthy Fast-Food Items.”

I don’t love this style of joking as much. These jokes aren’t bad, but they feel random compared with so much else The Onion does.

What columnists ran?

Besides Jackie Harvey, The Onion featured “I Am The 'Top Gun' Of Commercial Airline Pilots,” which is somehow more relevant than ever in 2022! Can’t say that about too many 1980s movies.

American Airlines pilot Capt. Ron "Mongoose" Haller has never had a flight arrive late. That sounds impossible, until he explains how he’s cut across runways, flown with blown engines, ignored FAA guidelines and set a cross-country speed record to beat an incoming blizzard.

Here’s Haller’s approach in a nutshell:

I have no patience for suits riding my ass about "the book says this" or "regulations say that." Or "a standard-issue Captain's hat does not have claws embroidered on it" or "every passenger on that flight has joined a class-action suit because they believed they were going to die." Hell, if those passengers don't think flying under the St. Louis Arch at 600 mph makes for a great story, they don't deserve to fly Mongoose Air.

I’ve never seen either “Top Gun,” so I’ll trust your judgment as to whether this rings true.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Sagittarius because I’m happy to see the great, late actor and war hero Charles Durning.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Charles Durning will soon contact you to reiterate that he has no intention of ever working with you.

What holds up best?

I know I dinged “Bush Seeks U.N. Support For 'U.S. Does Whatever It Wants' Plan,” but it’s obviously the story with the most modern relevance. The “Top Gun” column is a close second.

What holds up worst?

The Stephen King infographic, the primary voter story, the headline “Toll-Booth Girl Hit On Quickly” — they aren’t necessarily bad, but they aren’t relevant today.

What would be done differently today?

I’d love to see how “Temp Hides Fun, Fulfilling Life From Rest Of Office” would evolve in 2022.

Whenever I log into LinkedIn (yes, I’m that person), it seems 50% of the headlines are about the future of work, how young workers are lazy or how older bosses are out of touch. This story touches on all of that, albeit in a very casual way.

Thank you

I’ve been under the weather all weekend, so thanks for sticking with me on this one!

Next week, The Onion examines contraception, coming out, gambling addiction, Snoop Dogg. I’m sure there will be no controversy in any of those topics!

1. I don’t understand this reference. Maybe it’s referencing DeLuise’s 2000 movie “Lion of Oz”? I also initially confused him with novelist Don DeLillo.

2. While The Onion was clearly anti-war, the Cato Institute in January 2003 positively cited last week’s “What Do You Think?” as an argument for invasion! Maybe they missed the joke, but still.

3. Then-RIAA chief Hilary Rosen has had a wild career: lobbyist, head of Human Rights Campaign, Washington Post columnist, consultant to BP after(!) the oil spill, Twitter fight-starter. Russell Frackman is a longtime attorney who helped win the court case against Napster.

4. Co-founder of Atlantic Records.

5. In 2022, Tokyo’s population fell for the 1st time, while Japan’s population fell for the 13th straight year.