20 years ago, The Onion discovered "internet social networks"
Let's revisit 2003's disappointing movies, prison nostalgia, the Asimo robot, Friendster, the DeVry Institute and more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Aug. 13, 2003.
Today’s a real throwback to the days of Friendster, the Asimo robot, DeVry Institute commercials and much more.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 31, the 158th new Onion issue of the 2000s. The 2003 website isn’t preserved on Internet Archive, but here’s the website from 2013 and today.
The front-page headline “Seven-Foot-High Grammatical Error Displayed Next To Car Dealer's Head” is no longer online. This is an underrated joke about local billboards/signage.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
The Onion loved talking about movies in summer 2003, including the evisceration of “Gigli” in late July. This week, we have “Confused Americans Seek Steady No. 1 At Box Office.”
This story confused me at first. I was slow to appreciate the razor-sharp satire. The premise: 2003 is a scary time in America, so we need the comfort of a dominant blockbuster. Of course, that’s absurd, but it’s the perfect material for The Onion.
The mockery is multi-layered. For example, The Onion skewers the media’s fascination with finding common ground. If Americans don’t see the same movie, how can we move forward as a nation?!?
"When Jurassic Park came out, everyone at work was talking about it, all the talk shows were doing skits about it, and the tie-in products were everywhere," Kohler said. "It wasn't a good movie, but it was a huge movie. We knew who we were and what we had to do: We had to see Jurassic Park."
Weirdly, this article has never been more relevant than right now — after all, summer 2023 is all about “Barbenheimer” unifying American moviegoers across demographics.
And if we’re talking about a movie saving America, look to 2022’s “Top Gun: Maverick,” which literally saved Hollywood, according to Stephen Spielberg.
Sadly, in 2003, there’s no “Top Gun” to come to the rescue.
The Onion’s also making fun of reflexive political centrism. Sure, there’s war and a bad economy, but at least we have a movie to agree on! The quote below is exaggerated, but doesn’t it remind you of people who wax nostalgic about the “good old days”?1
Omaha elementary-school teacher Janice Daly fondly recalled the comfort reliable box-office charts gave her in 1998.
"Clinton was embroiled in scandals, the terrorists had attacked American military sites, and we were bombing suspected al Qaeda camps in Sudan," Daly said. "But every weekend, I could open up the paper and see Titanic sitting right there at number one. We had something we could all believe in as Americans. In my time of need, that movie never let me down."
Finally, there’s the doomer perspective:
"If the world's dominant superpower can't produce a reliable, record-breaking hit at the box office, then what is it? And, by extension, who are we?"
In hindsight, 2003 might be the summer that launched modern Hollywood — a future filled with sequels and Marvel movies, but little room for blockbuster comedies, mid-budget drama or hand-drawn animation.
Our other top story is “Humanitarian Aid Check Blown Before It Arrives,” about the African country of Malawi. Maybe I’m wrong, but this story tries too hard to be clever and ends up with a muddled message.
It plays into a couple of stereotypes, namely:
Polls that show people think foreign aid is 25% of the U.S. budget instead of less than 1%.
The idea that poor people/poor countries can’t handle even a bit of money.
The Onion seems to disagree with those stereotypes. Yet this article takes forever to prove that. Why does this matter? One of my criteria for an Onion article is, “Is The Onion clear about who it’s making fun of, and does it do that?”
Now, the underlying joke is that Malawi isn’t wasting the money. But that message — in my view — gets lost amid all the talk of wasted money. To wit:
The $50 million check, a combination of funds from UNICEF, World Food Programme, and other U.N. agencies, was intended to help alleviate disease and famine in Malawi, which has been devastated by recent flooding and the sub-Saharan AIDS pandemic. Although the check wasn't due to arrive until Aug. 11, Malawi officials were promised the money on Aug. 4 and behaved as though the cash was already in their hands.
"When we found out money was on the way, we celebrated by immediately going out and buying 200,000 bushels of maize," Malawi Agricultural Minister Chakufwa Chihana said. "We even said, 'What the heck, let's throw in a little millet.' Big mistake."
Other reasonable-sounding purchases include food staples, medical supplies, a computer, a shovel (above) and repairs for a food-distribution truck.
"When we flashed the letter from the U.N., our suppliers were more than happy to float us a few imports, just until the check arrived," Muluzi said. "Unfortunately, we didn't keep track of every little crate of AIDS medicine. When we added it all up, it came to, like, 40 million bucks."
I have a bias here: I’ve been wary of The Onion’s coverage of African countries for not quite nailing the satire — e.g., the African country feels like the target when it’s not meant to be.
But maybe I’m too critical. After all, The Onion ends the article with a harsh tone toward the UN (and other lenders):
"Although money is often tight right before a large aid check is due, countries must resist the urge to splurge," Roush added. "If you live off money that doesn't exist yet, you have to pay the piper at some point. Resist the temptation. The key is to create a budget for yourself and stick to it. Save money by eating your own crops, instead of imports, and make sure your coal plants are running as efficiently as possible."
Real-life people (and robots) in the news
“Asimo Tricked Into Falling Down Stairs” is the 1st time I’ve thought about that famous Japanese robot in probably 20 years. Asimo and Segway were goofy, but they foreshadowed our tech obsession with robots, AI and scooters.
Other real-life mentions include:
“Hussein Family Can't Bear To Throw Out Uday's Favorite Nutsack Shocker” requires you to remember that Saddam Hussein’s son Uday was a really bad person in especially weird ways. The reference to cousin Nawaf is probably about Nawaf al-Zaidan, who sheltered the Hussein sons before tipping off the U.S. military.
“Republicans Introduce Economic Equality Bill For Fun Of Shooting It Down”: This feels like a very 2020s Onion joke. Rep. Tom DeLay introduces bill H.R. 20932 with a straight face, although he quickly cracks up.
“The First Gay Bishop”: The Onion asks people what they think of the Episcopal Church confirming a gay male bishop. The Supreme Court’s recent Lawrence v. Texas ruling is noted by one citizen:
"Since when is it a crime to be gay? Oh, yeah. Up until a few weeks ago. Well, it's not anymore. Get with it."
Katherine Millard • Musician
Area People doing Area Things
“Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen” is a good send-up of news stories about teens — and of teen insecurities.3
The Onion references data from the real-life (Alan) Guttmacher Institute and the ABC show “20/20” suggesting that over 80% of teens 15-19 have had sexual contact. Is that data real? I don’t think so, but the Guttmacher Institute did conduct similar surveys back then.
Sadly, rising high-school senior Tom Ellis is not participating in such activities. The Onion portrays him as a sad-sack character in a teen movie:
According to friend Doug Binder, Ellis’ chances of joining the growing ranks of the sexually experienced are slim.
“Tom?” Binder asked. “He’s doomed to virginity, just like me. But, hey, that doesn’t stop us from talking and thinking about sex all the freaking time. For all our yapping about what we’d do if we were ever alone with a girl, neither of us is anywhere near getting some action.”
The Onion has its own chart specifically comparing Tom Ellis to “normal teens”:
The result is that Ellis feels even worse about himself now:
“I’ve still got two years to get laid and join the majority,” Ellis said. “I mean, I’ve heard guys talking about all the girls they’ve slept with, but I thought they were just making it up. Turns out, everyone really was having sex all that time. Well, thanks, 20/20. Now I know what a complete loser I am.”
In 2023, Ellis can console himself by knowing that everyone’s having less sex.
Things could be worse for Ellis, as he’s not “Prisoner Claims Cell Block D Was Much Cooler Two Years Ago.”
I complained earlier about nostalgia, but this is a wonderful job by The Onion of exposing people’s rose-colored glasses. Even prison life can be remembered fondly.
As prisoner Joseph J. Romans (eight years for armed robbery) says:
"D used to have the toughest guys, pruno [homemade alcohol], and pearl handles [commercially manufactured cigarettes], and with my connections-man Willie G on block, we had Cadillac everything," Romans said. "I almost felt like I was in the world with my crew again. Now, all we got left is a bunch of punk-ass june bugs with nothing coming. I don't even know what name half these young kids go by."
“We had Cadillac everything” is a great phrase. Romans also uses terms like “june bugs,” “pumpkin head” and “rabbit.”
There’s a universal theme in this story: Old-timers who romanticize the past and scoff at young people. Romans spends the whole story saying how his era of Cell Block D was better — but then we here from a much older prisoner who says, “Actually, my era was best.”
This is sort of a prison version of 2000’s “In My Day, Ballplayers Were For Shit”:
Continued Hughes: "I don't know why he's knocking his gums. Cell Block D's been a sandbox for 10, 15 years. Hasn't been the same since Stabbin' Jackie Kayne went on 10-10 furlough in '85. Yeah, '83 and '84. Those were the days."
Other Area People in this issue include:
“Gummy Bears Born Conjoined” delighted me, although I felt bad after realizing the joke’s probably inspired by the July 2003 deaths of 29-year-old conjoined twins who had unsuccessful separation surgery.
“Last Great Party Of Life To Result In First Child”: Let me know if this happened to you.
“Avid Fisherman Forever Ruins Fishing For Son”: I love the father’s description as “visibly seething” at his 10-year-old son.
“News Anchor Wonders Where All These Great Stories Come From”: I’ve been watching some of “The Mary Tyler Moore Show,” and this is a Ted Baxter joke if there ever was one.
Were the infographics good?
“Internet Social Networks” is not The Onion’s best joke about Friendster (RIP) — that would be 2004’s “I'll Have You Know I Have Several Black Friendsters.” But wow, what a window into how we looked at the internet 20 years ago!4
The Onion could be a bit Luddite-ish in the early 2000s, as seen in the last joke, “People who use it testify it’s not weird, even though it is.”
The most accurate joke 20 years later is probably “Users can dodge and blow off people online and in real world.”
“Daddy, Where Are You Going?” has good jokes, even if they’re sad to think about. At least the boy has a balloon.
What columnists ran?
Do you remember the DeVry Institute commercials? “This Job Isn't Nearly As Exciting As The DeVry Institute Led Me To Believe” makes more sense if you do! The commercials were dramatic.
Sadly for columnist Ted Lascowicz, he’s had a different experience. He discovered DeVry while watching “Ricki Lake on Channel 9 every afternoon,” which is likely WGN-TV in Chicago or WWOR-TV in New York City. Years later, he enrolled after reading the DeVry brochure.
This is written in the tone of the classic DeVry testimonial:
I wanted more than anything to prepare for a career in an exciting area such as systems analysis and design, applications software support and maintenance, applications software consulting, or business applications programming. But was a job in the challenging field of technical and application support, or computer-related sales and marketing support, really mine for the taking?
Lascowicz now installs computerized cash registers at restaurants, and it’s the opposite of glamorous. DeVry fooled him:
I thought that by going to DeVry, I'd become part of a team—a strike force ready to simplify people's lives with technology. Instead, I'm lucky if I can hold a waiter's attention long enough to teach him how to void a margarita sale.
I suspect this Onion story doesn’t mean much if you don’t get the reference, but that’s fine. In 2003, many readers would have instantly made the connection.
Our other columnist is Jim Anchower, who has a public-safety message: “You Gotta Be Careful With Fireworks.”
Anchower goes on a fishing trip, which he doesn’t enjoy, but on the way back, he and his friends “bought 25 Roman candles, the ‘Justice For All’ bottle-rocket assortment, and five roast-beef sandwiches.”
Somehow, Anchower and his friends end up attacking each other:
Now, when you're having a Roman candle fight, Fireworks Safety Rule #1 is "Never aim above the neck." Fireworks are a little bit unpredictable, so it's best to aim for the ass and hope the firework doesn't stray too far north. But right away, Ron broke Rule #1 and hit me in the back of the head.
Unfortunately, the fireworks set Anchower’s 1988 Ford Festiva on fire.
When the door fell off of the car the next day, I knew it was time to give up. Sometimes, your car tells you things, and you've gotta listen. In this case, the Festiva was saying, "It's time to let go."
I'm gonna miss that car.
Classic Anchower. I look forward to learning how he replaces his car.
What was the best horoscope?
Lots of interesting horoscopes this week, including mentions of Henry Jaglom, Easter Island and the Boston Red Sox, but I’m going with Scorpio because this sounds like a real-life competition:
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will abandon your attempt to make the world's largest pancake after finding out how depressingly serious other people are about it.
What holds up best?
I enjoyed this issue, but how much feels fresh 20 years later? Not sure. “Prisoner Claims Cell Block D Was Much Cooler Two Years Ago” at least touches on the human condition, and it’s well-written.
What holds up worst?
This horoscope feels provocative but not necessarily funny. The Onion can do better:
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There is nothing morally wrong with anal sex, but your failure to exercise sufficient precautions has gotten you ass-pregnant.
What would be done differently today?
It’s hard to imagine The Onion going a week or two without a Joe Biden (or Donald Trump) reference.
The jokes in this issue might be old, but the themes feel modern: Robots and artificial life, social media, people arguing about foreign policy, chatter about summer movies, etc.
Thank you
Grateful to have y’all here. Next week, The Onion recaps the 2003 Northeast blackout, goes to another African country, and features a columnist who doesn’t need an iPod to enjoy music.
See you then!
I acknowledge the irony of complaining about nostalgia when I write a newsletter about 20-year-old pop culture.
The actual H.R. 2093 from the 2003-04 Congress was a bill seeking to mint coins based on New Hampshire’s Old Man of the Mountain.
I immediately thought of that infamous teen’s diary entry from the day of the Apollo 11 moon landing, which has been making the rounds again on Twitter.
I was online in 2003, active on Blogger and AOL Instant Messenger, an avid blog reader, even playing a couple video games online early in college. But I never used Friendster or MySpace.