20 years ago, The Onion detained the White House turkey
Let's look back at the FDA, swiftboating, Pabst's blue ribbon, working through your 20s, Kmart and Sears merging, and a child dominating Uno.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 24, 2004.
This week, we’re revisiting the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and previewing President George W. Bush’s 2nd term. I’m excited to meet the White House turkey and reflect on my wild, unattached 20s.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 47, the 219th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page image comes from “Homeland Insecurity: The Onion Complete News Archives, Volume 17.”1
The wonderful front-page headline “Knights Of Columbo Hold Trenchcoat Drive” is no longer online.2 “Columbo” aired its final episode in 2003, with Matthew Rhys as the villain.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“White House Thanksgiving Turkey Detained Without Counsel” combines The Onion’s ability to satirize politicians and the news media.
Official Thanksgiving turkey pardons began in 1987, although the ceremony dates back to the Truman administration. Meanwhile, presidents have received turkeys as gifts for 150 years. The event is an advertisement for the National Turkey Federation. But the media loves to cover it — here’s CNN this week previewing the event and a New York Times column by Peter Singer3 calling for the tradition to end.
What’s The Onion’s twist on this tale? That the turkey is a terrorist and has been detained without counsel or due process. As Press Secretary Scott McClellan says:
“Cousin Wattle’s conduct prior to the pardoning ceremony prompted Justice Department officials to authorize the bird’s detention as an enemy combatant,” McClellan said. “He exhibited hostile, potentially seditious behavior that could endanger the safety of the president or other government officials.”
Officials report that Wattle became agitated shortly after he was led into the White House Rose Garden, where he broke loose from his handlers and began strutting about the grounds. Witnesses allege that Wattle, without warning or provocation, began to flap his flightless wings wildly and rush nearby White House staffers, ignoring orders to halt. Wattle also allegedly pecked Council of Economic Advisors Chairman Greg Mankiw on the left hand.
Bush and the turkey are (separately) whisked away from the scene.
Obviously, The Onion is critiquing the Patriot Act and other Bush-era policies. I love that the farmer who supplied Wattle has to defend herself — and the turkey:
“I have no idea why Cousin Wattle snapped like that,” Clune said. “He’s accustomed to human contact. We know of no loyalty Wattle may have to any turkey nationalist movement. His closest contacts are a 9-year-old member of the farm family that raised him and a duck named Flap.”
“A duck named Flap” is a wonderful detail.
Meanwhile, an attorney calls out the administration — and the American people — for racial and/or ethnic profiling:
“The pervasive anti-turkey sentiment in this country is the only reason this shocking deprivation of basic freedoms is allowed to continue. If a Labrador retriever were being treated this way, the outcry would be deafening.”
While The Onion makes timeless defenses of civil rights and due process, other mentions are firmly in the year 2004 and the War on Terror era. For example:
The White House rebuts accusations of illegal treatment, citing not the Geneva Convention but the National 4-H Convention of 1982.
Callers to the “Randi Rhodes Show” (liberal/progressive) defend the turkey, while callers to “The Michael Savage Show” (conservative) criticize the turkey.
I love this article because it’s funny and clever while still having a point of view. That said, I bet some readers wanted The Onion to be harsher toward the Bush administration.
The Nov. 22, 2004, issue, unsurprisingly, was very politics-heavy. “Swift Boat Veterans Still Hounding Kerry” revisits the successful effort to besmirch Sen. John Kerry’s military service. Except here, the Swift Vets (the original Swifties?) aren’t done with their attacks:
“Just because that lying, cheating, opportunistic fraud from Massachusetts happened to be the Democratic presidential nominee, people assumed our efforts were politically motivated,” said retired Rear Adm. Roy Hoffman, chairman of Swift Boat Veterans For Truth. “Well, Kerry’s loss to George W. Bush does not undo the deeds of his youth.”
Hoffman added: “We humble servants of truth will not stop until citizens are throwing garbage at John Kerry when they see him at the park.”
The Onion cites real-life Swift Vets like Hoffman and John O’Neill, who follows up his real-life book “Unfit for Command” with the fictional “Unfit for the Community.”
As with the turkey story, The Onion doesn’t attack the Swift Vets directly. Rather, it mocks them by exaggerating their mission and Kerry’s faults. Instead of simply being a flawed politician, Kerry is a sociopath — wearing regular shoes while bowling, doctoring a “get a free coffee” card and cheating at cards:
Another ad, called “The Cheat,” features first-hand testimony from Retired U.S. Navy Cpt. Charles Plumly.
“With my own eyes, I witnessed John Kerry cheating at poker,” Plumly says in the ad. “If he’s willing to cheat at card games in a war zone, what might he do while playing badminton at his next-door neighbor’s barbecue?”
In real life, the organization existed until 2008 but didn’t do much after Election Day 2004.
“Cabinet Shake-Up” reminds me of Bush-era appointees I don’t remember, like Commerce Secretary Don Evans. A few notes:
The Onion gives Colin Powell a surprisingly friendly send-off.
Norman Mineta didn’t leave DOT until 2006.
The Condoleezza Rice reference — "Is loyal to Bush, plus she kinda reminds him of Catwoman" — reflects that year’s “Catwoman” movie.
Tommy Thompson was a punching bag for The Onion, likely because he was from Wisconsin.
The John Snow joke references the Lewis and Clark bicentennial nickels of 2004-05, which sparked legislation to preserve Monticello’s presence on the nickel.
The Rod Paige joke is curious, as Bush led a massive expansion of the Department of Education.
Other political items in this issue include:
“Study: 86 Percent Of World's Soccer Stadiums Double As Places Of Mass Execution”: The grim joke reflects stadium massacres in Rwanda, Chile and Afghanistan, although the photo is of a stadium in Portugal.
“FDA Okays Every Drug Pending Approval, Takes Rest Of Year Off”: FDA Commissioner Lester Crawford is back from last week. In 2024, this is a curious role-reversal for the GOP:
“I’m sure Merck wouldn’t have bothered making this if it didn’t actually work. Approved!”
Kmart and Sears
“The Kmart-Sears Merger” was a disaster, slowly killing both companies.4 The last full-sized Kmart closed in October 2024, while Sears has 9 remaining stores.
I paid attention to Kmart in the early 2000s because my mom worked there part-time to put me through college. While that particular store did OK, Kmart became more of a real estate company than a retailer.
The Onion asks people what they think of the merger. There’s a good Woolsworth mention among the responses, but my favorite is this:
“Does this mean the Sears Tower will be repurposed for Kmart? Just think how awesome a giant red neon “K” is gonna look up there on the top of that mamma jamma!”
Javier DeKalb • Winch Operator
(The Sears Tower was renamed in 2009.)
Area People doing Area Things
“Check Clears In Spite Of Overwhelming Odds” is an old-fashioned story, but check fraud is still a big deal — the Wall Street Journal wrote about it this week!
In this tale, the Lippman household risks an overdraft because Greg paid off his Mastercard bill without realizing his wife had bought groceries. Even worse, the Mastercard bill wasn’t due for 3 weeks, so this was avoidable!
Many years ago, I chipped a tooth late at night and had to go to the out-of-network emergency dentist. This cost $2,500, or like $1,000 more than I had in my checking account. I somehow figured out a way to pay it on time, but it was stressful!
Greg Lippman has fewer options than I did, but he gets help from a friend:
Lippman’s friend and next-door neighbor, Jack Woodruff, entered the picture Friday morning.
“I’ve helped Jack out of a couple of scrapes,” Lippman said. “He owed me, but I knew that he might not actually have the money.”
“Thank God he did,” Lippman added.
Woodruff wrote a $45 check out to Lippman, but warned him that it could take a couple days to clear.
“He’s a contractor who lives in Florida during the winter, so his checks are from down there,” Lippman said. “He said banks sometimes hold out-of-state checks until they clear, so I thought it was over. But then providence smiled: We both had Washington Mutual checking accounts.”5
Lippman has a work meeting the next morning, so he enlists his wife to deposit the check:
Checking his account balance online Monday, Lippman rejoiced to find that his plan had worked, and the check had cleared with $1.38 to spare. He said he was “finally able to breathe easy.”
In 2024, most banking is online, but 37% of Americans can’t cover an emergency expense over $400.
“Wild, Unattached Twenties Spent At Work” makes me laugh because I spent a lot of my 20s at work, but I think I still managed to have a life. If anything, I spent too much of my 30s worrying about work.
24-year-old Frank Anderton works at a Seattle advertising firm with clients like Compaq6 and Canon. His life is free of mortgages, relationships and children — but also anything fun. He can’t even keep up with his Netflix DVD subscription!
“I used to have to think about every concert ticket or restaurant meal I bought, but now that I have a salary, I can do whatever I want,” said Anderton, who puts nearly all of his $500 entertainment budget into savings each month. “If I don’t have time to cook, which I never do, I just order Chinese. I got an awesome flat-screen TV for my bedroom, so a lot of times I just sit on my bed or at my desk and eat while I watch television.”
Anderton’s brother, who works at Microsoft, praises Frank’s realization that “night after night of meaningless sex with women you meet while going out and having fun with your friends is really pretty hollow in the end.”
This is a well-written cautionary tale about how a 20-something’s perspective on life will inevitably change in ways he can’t foresee. Either that, or Frank becomes a CEO at 35, and his 1st book is titled “Your 20s Are For Working.”
Other Area People items include:
“Pabst Still Coasting On 1893 Blue Ribbon Win”: This is accurate. I walked by the historic Pabst building in Milwaukee this summer but visited the neighboring Pilot Project taproom instead.
“Local Newswoman's Hairstyle Reported On By Co-Anchor”: I like this joke. WMAR-TV is a real Baltimore station, but the anchors are fictional.
“Alternative Theater Waits Three Hours For Stragglers”: I love the name of the fictional film: “Ashcans And Ticker Tape: A Treatise.”
“7-Year-Old Puts On Uno Face”: I loved Uno as a kid. This article also features a great closer:
“Family members said Reed is also renowned for her super-steady Hungry Hungry Hippos trigger finger.”
“Rick Steves Cleaned Out By Gypsies”: Guess which word in this headline is no longer recommended by the AP Stylebook?7 Steves is also “mugged by a street punk in Berlin.”
Were the infographics good?
“Leading Causes Of Nightclub Brawls” is a fun front-page infographic. I especially like “Poor lighting” — nothing like a preventable misunderstanding!
I think “Tear This Shit Up” references the song “Tear Shit Up,” but I’m not sure which one. You see, Biz Markie and Paris both released songs by this name in 2003. Or maybe it’s a random song title!
What columnists ran?
“Kids Grow The Fuck Up So Fast These Days” is a typical parenting column, but with lots of cursing:
For years, you’re telling them, “Grow the fuck up,” “Stop your goddamn crying,” and “Be a fucking big girl and eat that shit your mom cooked.” Then, all of a sudden, they’re not whiny kids anymore, but good-for-nothing bitchy teens.
Parenting is a rite of passage, but I’m not sure this is it:
Every parent goes through the same process. You find out you knocked someone up, and, once you’re sure you can’t get out of it, you have about seven months to run around before she shits out the kid and you never get to relax again ever. I mean, in no time, they go from screaming, stinking, toothless babies to pantsless, snot-nose brats who draw on the TV screen with the crayons they didn’t eat. Before you know it, you’re pushing 40, the Cowboys haven’t won a Super Bowl in years, and the kids are getting old enough to hit back.
This isn’t my favorite Onion column, but I respect the commitment to the bit.
In the mid-2000s, Americans worried about illegal immigration and outsourcing (see October 2004’s “American Robot's Job Outsourced To Overseas Robot”).
In “We Must Protect Our Daredevil Jobs From Cheap Foreign Labor,” The Onion highlights an overlooked victim: Evel Knievel types!
The Great Martinelli8 worries that American daredevils are being undermined by foreigners. This isn’t just about jobs; it’s also bad for safety:9
All our years of hard work are shot to hell, though, the second some Indian agrees to be shot out of a cannon across a gorge with no net. Sure, a Kenyan will ride a unicycle across a 50-story-high steel beam without so much as a kneepad, and I grant you it’s exciting. Gives me chills, and I’m a professional. But I guarantee you that the day something goes wrong, you’ll wish you didn’t have to explain to your kid why you took him out to see a man die. Hell, that’s some show! Little Johnny’ll never forget that one, that’s for darn sure.
The Onion is poking a lot of bears here: Anti-immigration activists, greedy corporations always looking for cheaper labor to exploit, and old heads who think today’s kids (such as French daredevil Alain Robert) don’t respect the game:
Look, what riles me up is not that this new group of daredevils is foreign-born, but that they don’t care a whit about the sacred traditions of the profession of dare-devilry. Their devil-may-care attitude is jeopardizing the profession and everyone who has ever broken his back in its name.
This is a really interesting column because The Onion doesn’t fully take The Great Martinelli’s side, but it also acknowledges the legitimate complaints.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Gemini for this dramatic action sequence:
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You'll win an improbable bet by driving a stolen SWAT van through a burning oil refinery, but due to a lack of faith and foresight, the prize will be five bucks.
Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2004 archive has a better view.
What holds up best?
“Knights Of Columbo Hold Trenchcoat Drive” is such a good headline, as is “7-Year-Old Puts On Uno Face.”
This is a very good issue, so your favorite might differ, and that’s OK!
What holds up worst?
“Rick Steves Cleaned Out By Gypsies” for the word usage, and “Study: 86 Percent Of World's Soccer Stadiums Double As Places Of Mass Execution,” which seems like a cheap way of saying “soccer = backwater culture.”
What would be done differently today?
Just like 20 years ago, today’s Onion is aggressively covering the election’s aftermath and what’s on deck for the next administration.
The Onion has obvious politics these days, but I’m glad to see them having some fun despite it all, as with “Trump Admits Entire Political Career Has Been WWE Storyline To Set Up Match With Cody Rhodes.”
The Onion also brought back video, so something like “Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay” is on YouTube today instead of appearing in print as a short article or an infographic.
Thank you
Grateful to have you here. Please continue to like, comment and share the newsletter so we can share The Onion’s joys!
The Onion did not take Thanksgiving off, so we’ll be back next week. See you then!
I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.
Peter Singer, the “Animal Liberation” author, is mentioned in the 2005 Onion article “Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up.”
I cannot strongly enough recommend this 2018 profile of Sears owner Eddie Lampert.
Washington Mutual frequently appeared in The Onion before its 2008 collapse, including in 2003’s “White House Denied Third Mortgage.”
Compaq was an HP subsidiary, having been bought in 2002. The brand slowly fell out of use.
Steves has been in the news lately, including for endorsing Vice President Kamala Harris and announcing a prostate cancer diagnosis.
Appears to be named after a 20th-century illusionist and performer.
The infamous counterargument to the “outsourcing means lowered safety standards” is, of course, Matt Yglesias’ 2013 Slate column reacting to the death of 87 factory workers.
The check article is great & unintentionally dated by how Washington Mutual plays a crucial role. Growing up in Seattle area felt like they would be around forever.
Yeah Rick Steves article hasn’t aged well, but not his fault. It’s fun we see him so often at farmers markets it’s almost not worth commenting on anymore, and I got to hear him speak on travel as a political act that included swearing, fun times.