20 years ago, the CIA asked Bush to discontinue his blog

Plus, Ralph Nader, "Catwoman," Tibet, Sudan, a man who only speaks business, deadbeat dads and much more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Aug. 4, 2004.

If you were a blogger in the early 2000s, you’ll enjoy this look at the president’s unauthorized blog. Plus, The Onion weighs in on genocide, “Catwoman,” who’s pregnant and much, much more.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 40, Issue 31, the 203rd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today. Above is the print front page, as depicted in The Onion’s 2009 collection of front pages from 1988-2008.¹

“New Snooze Channel Broadcasts Shrill, Electronic Shriek Every Nine Minutes” is no longer online. I like that “snooze” is still a thing, even if this joke feels a bit dated.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Bush adds an entry to his blog.

“CIA Asks Bush To Discontinue Blog” is a story that could have only existed from, say, 2002 to 2005. It’s that beautiful era where Web 1.0 was giving way to Web 2.0, where blogs were a niche but a powerful one — countless Twitter personalities, online media stars, future startup founders and more were early bloggers, all sharing their serious and less serious thoughts. I had at least one blog in this era!

There was no social media in the way we think of it today, even though MySpace and TheFacebook existed. And without smartphones, you had to sit down with your desktop or laptop computer, so writing longer made sense.

In The Onion’s universe, President George W. Bush uses Typepad to share his musing and day-to-day activities. It’s going as well as you might imagine:

A July 24 posting read, "Just got back from a lunch with Colin and Adil Moussa (one of Prince Saud al-Faisal's guys). Colin wants the Saudis to send some troops to Najaf—so some of the soldiers are Arab, I guess. This Moussa guy sure wears a lot of jewelry. A golden chain, a golden ring with his initials or something, and some other sparkling stuff—kinda effeminate. Anyway, best of luck in Iraq, Iyad."

Bush is posting all sorts of secrets, including nuclear launch codes.

Officials horrified by this blog and trying to stop it include Secret Service chief W. Ralph Basham, acting CIA director John E. McLaughlin and Republican National Committee chairman Ed Gillespie.

Bush doesn’t like being told “no.” He’s fighting The Man!

Bush rejected Basham's request and later that day wrote in his blog that "Some people who shall remain nameless apparently do not know there is such a thing as free speech in this country."

The controversial Bush blog.

I love how mundane Bush’s blog is, with quotes like “Don’t you hate it when you get up from a nap and you just can’t get going again?” Classic 2000s blogging approach.

Other notes:

• The Mac computer in the top photo is not the most subtle Photoshop, but it’s not bad!

• In the July 25 post, Bush tells Ariel Sharon to “go for it” when he says he wants “to air strike some terrorists in Gaza.”

• This blog has a sidebar with other features, including “What’s On My iPod?”

• The Onion didn’t register the Typepad address!² So a Northwestern University student named Andy Nelson swooped in and started a blog, which you can see here. Nelson updated this blog, in a sort-of Bush style, for several weeks before the blog went offline.

The other political item in this issue is “Nader's Platform,” which is dated 20 years later. On the other hand, Ralph Nader had a surprisingly large impact on the 2000 elections, so I can understand paying more attention to him.

The jokes about electric cars and “cleaner-burning ‘hydrogen’ bombs” are corny, but I guess you could still use them today.

“Never, ever have an affair with an intern, or even kiss a girl, for that matter” is a good follow-on to 2000’s “Nation Trying To Fix Up Ralph Nader With Date.”

Crisis around the world

Left: Davis relaxes at a coffee shop while Tibetans suffer under the rule of the Chinese. Right: Three Tibetans Davis failed to help.

“College Student Does Nothing For Tibet Over Summer” reminds us of a time when the public cared about Tibet, just one of the places where China has been accused of systemic human-rights abuses.

The article focuses on the inaction of University of Vermont junior Becca Davis but criticizes all college students for eschewing activism during the summer break.³

Although Davis is a member of the Campus Outreach Network for Tibetan Autonomy, as well as the Campus Anti-War Initiative Coalition and the Campus Crusade Against Rape, her political awareness seems to have dissipated during the summer. According to sources close to Davis, the political science and women's studies double major has neither volunteered for the local chapter of the Free Tibet campaign nor organized a Tibetan-freedom rally in her hometown of Lyme, CT. Davis has not passed out one pamphlet, and she has neglected to sign an online petition that has been sitting in her e-mail inbox for weeks.

Davis did go to Curacao, but that was for a scuba holiday. After all, she’s had a tough semester!

Other notes:

• The liberal magazine The Nation criticizes the lack of “Take Back the Night” rallies during the summer.

• Davis is reading Jacqueline Susann’s 1969 book “The Love Machine.”

• The Onion talks to a Tibetan, Thupten Lobsang, who mentions Davis’ annoying brother and adds, “I had an annoying younger brother once, too. He was imprisoned and later shot by the Chinese secret police."

Why did we stop caring about Tibet? Was it because China maybe/sort-of ruined Richard Gere’s career? I don’t have the expertise to sufficiently answer these questions, but I suspect one reason was Tibert being replaced by the Darfur region of Sudan as the celebrity cause célèbre.

Coincidentally, the “What Do You Think?” feature focused on “The Crisis In Sudan.” The Onion asks people about the U.S. threatening sanctions in response to the Sudanese government’s actions, including the genocide and famine in Darfur.

I’ll just leave this quote here:

"Well, I don't want to sound overly partisan here. But tentatively, yes, I do oppose genocide."

Gina Grunwald • Treasurer

Remember “Catwoman”?

Halle Berry won an Oscar for the 2001 film “Monster’s Ball,” but her career has never fully recovered from the failure of 2004’s “Catwoman.” That said, she remains well-liked by pretty much everyone and has steady work (including the 3rd John Wick film a few years ago).

I mention her popularity because The Onion treats her with kid gloves in “Movie Praised For Not Being As Bad As It Could Have Been.” (To see how The Onion treats less beloved actors, look at 2003’s “Gigli Focus Groups Demand New Ending In Which Both Affleck And Lopez Die.”)

"At first glance, Catwoman, the story of a sexy feline superhero who fights villains in the cosmetics industry, seemed like the kind of formulaic, committee-written marketing opportunity—Garfield, New York Minute, and so on—that has become the summer-movie standard," Berger said. "To everyone's surprise, Catwoman proved marginally better than that."

Better than “Garfield” and an Olsen Twins film! Such damning praise.

Berry is barely mentioned, and mostly with pity — for having to snap a whip, “vamping around in that ridiculous outfit,” and enduring “Benjamin Bratt's flirtatious mugging.”

RIP Berry’s A-list career. And good on The Onion for mocking the film instead of Berry — after all, she didn’t write, direct or produce this movie. Her performance wasn’t great, but she wasn’t going to save this movie any more than, say, Jennifer Garner could have saved 2005’s “Elektra.”

Area People doing Area Things

Deadbeat dads march on the New York-New York Hotel & Casino.

“Deadbeat Dads March On Las Vegas” is a straightforward story of men dodging child support while partying in Vegas — only they’ve made it into some kind of semi-official festival.

"Point me toward the loosest slots in town," Hicks said, waving a sign that read "Rum & Coke over here, NOW." "Can't drop no brats off at my place if I ain't there to open the door!"

Although he was not appointed to speak for the non-centralized delegation of terrible fathers, Hicks succinctly conveyed the group's sentiment. Angry shouts of "Screw the baby—I needs a new pair of shoes" echoed up and down the strip, from the Luxor to the Stratosphere, all weekend long.

…

"Garnish my three-dollar prime-rib platter, not my wages," a group of seven deadbeat dads chanted together, until one father slipped, upset a row of drinks, and fell backward off his barstool.

I wish the chants rhymed more.

Other Area People items include:

• “Goth Kid Builds Scary-Ass Birdhouse”: I love the effort put into this graphic. But I must ask, was Nine Inch Nails goth, technically?

• “Ovarian Cancer Gets Publicist”: What a world where breast cancer and ovarian cancer are feuding to be “the cancer for her.”⁴

• “Man In International Airport Only Speaks Business”: As a longtime business editor, I love this collection of nonsense words that are vaguely related to manufacturing and distribution. I would have read many more paragraphs of this silliness.

• “Wendy's New Homestyle Chicken Strips Salad Shamelessly Touted”: A fun joke expressing shock at the concept of marketing. I love the last sentence:

  • “Merrill added that he remembers when ‘hot and juicy’ actually meant something.”

• “Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On”: Another item with a killer last sentence:

  • “Jones then gazed longingly into her cup of tea.”

• “Maid Dreams Children Will One Day Be Maids In Wealthier Households”: Every dream starts somewhere. The maid’s surname is Lopez, making me wonder if The Onion writer responsible had just watched the 2002 J-Lo movie “Maid in Manhattan.”

• “Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment”: Feels all too likely. The story is set in Milwaukee and includes the real-life WITI-TV and Henry W. Maier Festival Park.

Were the infographics good?

Besides the Nader infographic, we also have “Who's Pregnant...Again?” The front-page infographics don’t leave much room for clever jokes, but I like this selection, particularly “Me, right? It’s me, isn’t it?”

“Loretta Lynn” is a good old-time reference to her 6 children. “The Third World” feels like some kind of 1980s joke by a grumpy newspaper columnist. And “Slutty cat” is a cheap laugh, but you rarely see those 2 words together outside of Halloween costumes.

What columnists ran?

Our 1st column is “Ask A Guy Who Just Ran, Like, Nine Blocks,” which is a typical “Dear Abby”-style advice column, except the answers have nothing to do with your questions. (It’s literally answering this section header “What columnists ran?”)

For example, to the letter-writer asking about an imposing mother-in-law who buys too many gifts, columnist Doug Cook writes, in part:

Oh, geez… I'm sorry. Hold on. Okay, whew. Okay, I… I didn't mean to keep you all waiting. I just ran, like, nine blocks. Oh, God… Can I get some water? You all must totally hate me… I didn't mean to keep you waiting. Oh, thanks, Phil. Ahhh, that's good. Good water. Okay, sorry. I was doing really well… on time. I'll tell you guys what happened in just a second. Ugh… I just have to catch my breath. Christ, am I out of shape! I didn't think I would be doing any running today. Oh, shit. I called… oh, man… I can still barely… breathe.

What a silly gimmick, but must have been a lot of fun to write.

“I'm The Life Of The Search Party!” is kind of like Tyrese’s character from the “Fast and the Furious” movies, except in a search party.⁵ Billy K. Duane isn’t a rope belaying whiz, field-rescue EMT or communications expert like his colleagues:

Everybody brings his own special set of skills to the table with a team like this. I'm the clown. I bring morale-building goofy antics. When word came in that the authorities were organizing a rescue effort for those two missing couples, I was the first to show up—wearing Hawaiian shorts and a "Search Party Naked" T-shirt.

Sadly, this rescue mission sounds like a recovery mission, given the high altitude and unforgiving conditions. That’s a downer. Duane attempts to cheer up the group in numerous ways:

• Brought beer, both for them and the missing couple.

• Occasionally yells, “Ricola!”

• Pretends that birds attacked him and he broke a femur.

• Created 2 signs from logs: One spelling “S.O.S.” and the other spelling “NOT!”

• Pranking his fellow rescuers and the emergency radio.

• “Singing ‘Doo Wah Diddy’ like Bill Murray did in ‘Stripes.’”

This is a one-joke column, but The Onion does an incredible job of threading it through a narrative arc. The cliffhanger is that we don’t learn the fate of the hikers or rescuers.

Our 1st column is “Ask A Guy Who Just Ran, Like, Nine Blocks,” which is a typical “Dear Abby”-style advice column, except the answers have nothing to do with your questions. (It’s literally answering this section header “What columnists ran?”)

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Cancer, with this helpful cooking tip:

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

No, no, no—you're supposed to gently heat the garlic cloves until they caramelize, you moron, not turn them into a burnt paste.

What holds up best?

“CIA Asks Bush To Discontinue Blog” is a great snapshot of 2004 online culture and how Bush was mocked. Admittedly, I have some nostalgia for this era of blogging (I was on Blogger, not Typepad) because I was fully immersed in it.

“Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On” is a great headline to start an argument with?

What holds up worst?

“Nader's Platform,” partly because it’s irrelevant and partly because revisiting party platforms from decades ago is maybe the least exciting thing you can do.

What would be done differently today?

There’s a nice mix of real-life parody, topical content with an Onion twist (the Tibet story, for example) and truly creative jokes like the goth birdhouse. The framework of the Aug. 4, 2004, issue could exist today, even if you’d need to play Mad Libs by updating many of the topics and proper nouns.

One similarity I’d like to note. Last week, we revisited 2004’s front-page headline/photo “Kite Flyer In The Zone.” Just over 20 years later, on July 30, 2024, The Onion published “‘Kite,’ Report 340 Million Americans Pointing At Sky.” Great to see some jokes live on.

Thank you

Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others!

Next week, we’ll revisit Sen. John Kerry’s platform, the A-Team, puberty, recreational Viagra, and much more. See you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through links in this post, including that one.

2. This sort of oversight is why Conan O’Brien inadvertently became the proprietor of a website for horny manatees in 2006 because he ad-libbed the URL on air.

3. For what it’s worth, one survey suggested only 8% of college students took part in any protests related to Israel or Gaza during the 2023-24 school year.

4. 2002’s “March Named Breast Cancer Obliviousness Month” is an alternate take on this concept.

5. There was also the TV show “Search Party,” but I haven’t watched it.