20 years ago, The Onion talked about genocide and homeless people
We also look back at Gen. Erwin Rommel, Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen, SpongeBob, "Desperate Housewives," steroids in baseball, high-school debate and more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 15, 2004.
A few Onion-related updates before we begin:
ICMYI, The Onion was blocked from buying InfoWars but will likely get another shot. The Onion’s real-life CEO reacted to the news, as did the (fictional) CEO of Global Tetrahedron.
Headlines from The Onion’s October print issue are now online, including “Large, Playful Sheepdog Knocks Over Houston Skyline.”
If you’re still Christmas shopping, former Onion Editor-In-Chief Scott Dikkers has a new book out, and you can preorder original Onion staffer Christine Wenc’s book on The Onion.
Anyways, 20 years ago, The Onion indulged in some favorite targets from the 2000s — homeless people and Africa. There are plenty of other jokes, too, so let’s get to it.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 50, the 222nd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headline “Sponge Actor Turns Square-Pant Affliction Into Strength” is no longer online, and that’s a damn shame. It’s hard to believe “SpongeBob SquarePants” turned 25 this year.
The front-page image comes from “Homeland Insecurity: The Onion Complete News Archives, Volume 17.”1
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Please indulge me as I discuss my favorite joke in this issue: the front-page headline and photo “Rommel, Hummel Dominate Parents' Christmas List.”
This captures such a specific era of Americans who were fascinated by World War II history and Hummel figurines. The production of Hummels started in 1930s Germany (they were apparently anti-Nazi) and were popularized by American soldiers after the war.
Meanwhile, Gen. Erwin Rommel is the Robert E. Lee of Nazi generals — the dashing battlefield strategist who was the “good” general, although this is disputed.
Anyways, the Hummel figurine looks to be the “Postman” from 1939. The book is “Rommel As Battlefield Commander,” by Ronald Lewin. Originally released in 1968, this appears to be the 2004 paperback edition.
The Onion’s love of Africa jokes
The Onion loved to pick on Africa in the 2000s.2 This isn’t necessarily bad — almost anything can be made fun of, and the continent had no shortage of problems.
But even the funniest writers or comedians have go-to cheap shots. For The Onion in the 2000s, one of these was mocking a random African country for simply existing. My least favorite in the genre is 2000’s “Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'” (which was also the top story that week).
At its best, The Onion used the continent to make fun of something closer to home:
2000’s “Trouble Again In TV's Africa” critiques CNN.
2001’s “Nigeria Elects Black President” mocks American politics and society (the 1st sentence notes “Nigeria’s African-African community”).
2003’s “Tanzania Loses Name To Tanning-Salon Chain” portrays Tanzania as the victim of a greedy American business.
Surprisingly, “Nigeria Chosen To Host 2008 Genocides” does a very good job of mocking all of us — even if the tone is incredibly indelicate.
The writing, as usual, is layered and detailed. The Onion imagines an Olympic-style event every 4 years known as the “Genocides,” most recently hosted in 2004 by Sudan. UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan and others select Nigeria over Tajikistan and Iraq, with the latter eliminated “because the country is unlikely to exist three and a half years from now.”
The Onion shares reasons to worry about Nigeria, including recent polio outbreak and electoral fraud in 2003 and 2004. As President Olusegun Obasanjo boasts:
“With a multi-party government transitioning from military to civilian rule, Nigeria is not a shoo-in to host the Genocides,” Obasanjo said. “But last week’s municipal election—with ballot shortages and multiple accusations of vote tampering—showed the world that Nigeria is, indeed, geared up for the unimaginable.”
The Onion also mocks Americans and the media for viewing Africa as a spectacle. Much like the CNN story I linked above, the Red Cross is excited about the viewership for a Nigerian genocide:
“The most glaring problem has been a time-zone issue, since most of the proceedings take place during inconvenient, off-peak viewing times,” Schumacher said. “But, as an oil-rich nation, Nigeria is much more likely to build a viewer base in the West. Perhaps the country will even be able to get one of the networks to pony up for exclusive rights.”
20 years later, this is a curious article. I don’t think this subject is off-limits, and The Onion earned the right to explore tough subjects. But there are critiques I’m sympathetic to:
The tone is probably too flippant for some readers, which is OK.
If I were Nigerian, I don’t know whether I’d appreciate the joke.
I don’t like that The Onion treats genocide as exclusive to Africa. After all, Slobodan Milošević was on trial in 2004!
I can’t critique The Onion for failing to recognize that Iraq would only grow more violent. Nor can I give them credit for predicting the rise of Nigeria-based Boko Haram, which existed in 2004 but isn’t mentioned here.
Joking about genocide is obviously fraught, but I’m giving The Onion the benefit of the doubt here.
The Onion’s love of homeless jokes
“New Homeless Initiative To Raise Bottle Deposit To 12 Cents” brings back childhood memories of bottle collection machines. My local supermarket had the exact deposit machines during the 1990s, either at Pathmark or Shaw’s.
Anyways, this article is a deeply cynical look at what bipartisanship in Congress produces.
Democrats like Rep. Ben Cardin of Maryland (now a senator) and Republicans like Rep. Dave Camp of Michigan praise the effort. The Onion mocks along party lines — for Cardin, he’s excited to bring Big Government to bottle deposits, while Camp is thrilled to endorse bootstrapping:
According to Camp, if the homeless can’t “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” after the return-rate increase, then “there is no helping them.”
“This is a chance to give the homeless a hand up, instead of a handout,” Camp said. “With the amount of alcohol they consume, industrious homeless winos will be able to drink themselves to a better life.”
D.C. lobbyists get their say, too. The boxed beverage industry feels left out; soda drinkers worry about price hikes; homeless advocates want a 20-cent deposit; and the law might not be ADA-compliant:
Homeless-shelter worker Patricia Wenzel agrees that the initiative is inadequate.
“This bill has no provisions to care for disabled homeless men and women, many of whom do not have the capacity to collect drink containers,” Wenzel said. “We need to provide all hopeless and destitute individuals with a ray of hope.”
As I mentioned in the introduction, The Onion made many jokes about the homeless population, including:
“D.C. Site Of First Homeless Depot” (July 2004)
“Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics” (March 2004)
“Homeless People Shouldn't Make You Feel Sad Like That” (January 2002)
The Onion covers Hollywood
“Lawyers Separate Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen In 17-Hour Procedure” was topical in 2004 because the Olsen twins turned 18, took control of their production company, hosted “Saturday Night Live” and starred in “New York Minute.”
I like this line. Who knew Elizabeth Olsen would be the sibling with a career?
Lawyers on both sides list the girls’ chances for solo-career survival as “fair.”
We also have a column by fictional ABC Vice Chairman Eric Wendt about the hottest network show of fall 2004, “Desperate Housewives,” which would finish the 2004-05 season as the 4th-rated program.
“Desperate Times Call For Desperate Housewives” surveys the American landscape and sees war, violence and absent leadership. Amid this division “between the red states and the blue,” there’s an answer:
Maintaining our purity of heart while staring into the widening chasm of world events is a task for which many of us feel ill-equipped. In times like these, we must fix our gaze upon Wisteria Lane. For, as everyone here at ABC can assure you, there is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with Desperate Housewives.
Wendt mentions plot points and the infamous “Monday Night Football” promo from November 2004, where Nicollette Sheridan seduces Terrell Owens.3
Wendt concludes by sharing the philosophical depth of “Desperate Housewives” and “Extreme Makeover”:
To paraphrase George Santayana:4 A man’s feet must be planted in his country, but his eyes should follow ABC’s Sunday primetime line-up, with Extreme Makeover at 8:00 p.m. EST, Desperate Housewives at 9:00 p.m. EST, and liberty and justice for all.
Checking in on Iraq
20 years ago this month was Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s famous quote, “You go to war with the Army you have, not the Army you might want or wish to have."
He said this in response to U.S. troops complaining about their equipment and long deployments. And so in “Iraq Troops Complain,” The Onion asks people for their thoughts. My favorite response:
"If those troops keep griping and grousing, I don't think they're going to be named Time's Person of the Year5 again any time soon."
Lewis Richards | Lab Supervisor
Today’s version cuts off some of the quotes. The 2004 archive offers the full text.
Area People doing Area Things
“Area Man Suspicious Of Wrap” immediately caught my attention because I thought it would be about Christmas gift wrap. But no, it’s about the sandwich!
I love when Onion stories explore humanity’s peculiarities. Don Turnbee orders a Chicken Bacon Ranch wrap instead of a sub, mostly for the savings:
Turnbee acknowledged that he probably wouldn’t have sampled the wrap without the 20-percent-off coupon he found in a newspaper insert, but added that he isn’t averse to trying “new and unusual foods.” In fact, the Erie native reports that he ordered a McDonald’s Big N’ Tasty Burger only days after learning about the sandwich on television.
Were wraps this mysterious in 2004? They certainly are to Turnbee, who thinks it’s more like a salad, doesn’t trust what’s inside them, and uses the phrase “the whole idea of wrapping” as if that’s a thing people say.
To be fair, Turnbee correctly guesses that Subway is chasing the Atkins fad. In fact, the Chicken Bacon Ranch wrap was endorsed by Atkins.
Finally, Turnbee has an overly American-centric view of food. He doesn’t like how Canada has different restaurants, and he considers Taco Bell to be standard Mexican food:
Although Turnbee acknowledged that he enjoys tortilla-based food items at restaurants such as Taco Bell, he said he doesn’t understand why people want “regular sandwich fillings inside of Mexican food.”
“That might be okay for the people in California, but I can’t see myself getting too into them,” Turnbee said. “They seem kind of flimsy. I like food you can grip with both hands, something like a Double Whopper with cheese.”
“Family Secret Turns Out To Be Boring” is a timeless headline. Michael Henderson always wondered why his parents abruptly moved from Indiana to Minnesota decades earlier. Turns out it’s because his dad was expelled from the Air Force for stealing a motorcycle:
“I was imagining all this crazy stuff,” Hendeson said. “Was he involved in an anti-establishment bombing of a campus building6 that resulted in an accidental death? Did it have something to do with the scar on his stomach? Does he have a whole different family somewhere? Was there an uncle who died in a mysterious hunting accident after Dad caught him making out with Mom? That kind of thing.”
The article doesn’t specify, but I’m assuming this wasn’t a dishonorable discharge.
This is another strong Onion article on the human condition. We all know someone who feels shame about an incident and bottles it up, which only increases their reticence. Michael has a different reaction:
“It was really emotionally trying for them to finally come clean,” Henderson said. “That’s why I feel so bad that I still couldn’t keep from laughing.”
Other Area People items include:
“Gold Bond Spokesman Grudgingly Admits It Makes Your Balls Tingle”: I’m almost certain The Onion used a stock photo of then-Renault CEO Louis Schweitzer.
“Sports-Related Murder Provides Perfect Local-News Segue”: The football player is fictional. There’s also this incredible joke:
“It was the station’s most convenient transition to sports since May 1996, when an anchor moved from a piece on sex toys with the phrase, ‘and speaking of long double headers…’”
“Area Man Too Busy For His Buddy Phil, Eh?”: Phil blames the Area Man’s marriage and child — a happier version of April 2004’s “Area Man Excited Friend Is Getting Divorced.”
“Risk Champ Flunks Geography Test”: This made me chuckle. I’ve never played Risk, but I loved Stratego, which is also mentioned here.
“Dad's Marine Corps Training Evident During Christmas-Present Opening”: He plays “Jingle Bells” on the bugle!
Were the infographics good?
It’s wild how The Onion ignored most sports in the 1990s and 2000s. “Stopping Steroids” is the 1st mention of baseball’s steroid problem other than a veiled reference in 2002’s “The Baseball Strike” and this 2004 horoscope about Andro.
I love this infographic, including the unflattering image of Commissioner Bud Selig. My favorite jokes:
"Pressuring Mr. Met to halt the excessive steroid use that has grotesquely swollen his head."
"Keeping players off drugs by getting them involved in sports."
The front-page infographic is “Top High-School Debate Topics,” and these are fun responses.
“Is rap music destroying our debate coach’s culture?” is a great joke, even if it feels more like a 1980s or 1990s worry.
I wonder whether Suzie Raynor was a random name or someone The Onion knew.
What columnists ran?
Hey, there’s also a Jean Teasdale column! In “Spawn Of Santa,” she gets a seasonal job at the mall, wrapping gifts for $7 an hour. The wrapping service brings lots of customers — and lots of entitlement:
Given that the wrapping is free, customers are awfully choosy about the type of paper they want. They can choose reindeer paper, holly leaves paper, solid red paper, even blue Hanukkah paper, but people still complain. “That’s all you have?” they ask. “Isn’t there any with Santa on it?” Then, they get all snippy when I tell them there are no bows and ribbons. I hear a lot of, “Some free gift-wrap deal!” and, “This is just a way for you to get rid of the wrapping paper nobody wants.”
Teasdale laments the good old days at the mall, which is less decorated than in years past. And last year, a security guard found a used diaper in a prop toy box.
This is starting to sound like a Jim Anchower column! But then, there’s a soap opera twist — Teasdale rounds the corner and sees her dad, who’s in town from California but didn’t tell her! And he’s playing Santa, sort of.
I won’t spoil the rest, but I was genuinely surprised by this plot twist.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Virgo. For this one, it helps to know NFL wide receiver Joe Horn’s 2003 cell phone celebration:
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
There will finally be a call for restraint among athletes, but not before Joe Horn does a taunting victory dance over the burst ribcages of your family.
Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2004 archive has a better view.
What holds up best?
I love “Sponge Actor Turns Square-Pant Affliction Into Strength,” but I’d also say “Desperate Times Call For Desperate Housewives” is surprisingly fun 20 years later.
What holds up worst?
I was surprised at The Onion’s skill in navigating “Nigeria Chosen To Host 2008 Genocides,” but I’d be shocked if today’s staff would repeat this joke in this form.
What would be done differently today?
The Onion has taken a different approach to jokes about homeless people in recent years, both in tone and politically. November 2023’s “Advocates Encourage Public To Stop Using Any Term At All To Refer To Homeless” is one example.
It’s also interesting to see how our definition of “celebrity” has evolved. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen became famous by starring in an ABC sitcom and making movies. But 20 years later, the equivalent headline is something like “MrBeast Announces He Has Resurrected Everyone Buried At Arlington National Cemetery.”
Thank you
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Next week is the last issue of 2004 — and the end of my 5th year writing this newsletter. I don’t know where the time went. See you then!
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This culminated in The Onion’s 2008 book “Our Dumb World,” which is delightfully vicious throughout but really brings the hammer down on war-torn countries.
I coincidentally discovered this in the past week. Good acting by T.O.! Obviously, it faced immediate backlash.
To date, Santayana’s only Onion appearance.
"The American Soldier” was Time’s 2003 pick, with President George W. Bush honored in 2004.
This is a very 1970s reference, with one possible inspiration being the 1970 Sterling Hall bombing on the University of Wisconsin-Madison campus.
The short lived 1999 UPN show Dilbert had a Homeless Depot segment too.
Don Turnbee is always a favorite. Especially as they don’t have cruel twists & he’s living his best life. Most relatable was missing a preferred drive thru on a road trip off-ramp simply as he wasn’t paying attention.