20 years ago in The Onion, Bush told Americans to get a job

Let's visit America's largest strip mall, check in on a lovelorn FBI agent, and see what's on TV in 2004. Plus, Jean Teasdale quizzes us!

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 31, 2004.

This week, we check in with President George W. Bush. Plus, I’m happy to talk about one of my favorite print features, the TV listings.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 40, Issue 13, the 186th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.

The front-page headline “Scientists Celebrate Unlocking Of Corn Genome With Extra Serving Of Corn” is no longer online. In March 2004, Monsanto and DuPont agreed to contribute to deciphering the corn genome.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

President Bush urges America's jobless to get off their duffs.

“Bush Addresses 8.2 Million Unemployed: 'Get A Job’” sees Bush fed up with out-of-work Americans who refuse to solve their problems despite all his efforts:

"My fellow Americans, don't come crying to me," Bush said. "I've got a job. I go to work every day, whether I feel like it or not. I don't take handouts, and I don't give them. That's a belief my daddy taught me. Now, let's get this show on the road!"

Bush shares a story of an ordinary worker he knows who pulled himself up by his bootstraps (a line Bush literally says later on):

"The government can only do so much," Bush said. "How hard can it possibly be to find a job? A friend of mine lost his job when his company went belly-up. Did he bitch and moan about it? Absolutely not. He picked up the phone and started making cold calls, he landed back on his feet, and now he's the chief financial officer of a major petrochemical concern."

CFO of a petrochemical company? See, anyone can do it!

Bush gives pointers on how to get the part-time delivery position available at this DC-area restaurant.

As you might have guessed, the joke is simple: A Republican president blaming workers for their plight.

Bush doles out equal parts advice and admonition: He tells Americans to “get off your duff,” shares job-interview tips,¹ and brags that his “no one special” brother has a job as governor.

We also get an appearance from Labor Secretary Elaine Chao, last seen in January 2004 having her hours cut. Here, she’s toeing the party line:

"Get a haircut," Chao said. "Clean yourself up a little and put on a nice shirt, or even a suit. Maybe employers would take you more seriously if you didn't look like you just rolled out of bed. The way you look now, I wouldn't hire you to throw me a rope if I was falling off a cliff."

There was a lot of politics and real-life news in this issue. Other items include:

• “FCC Sentences Artie Lange To Death”: In March 2004, the FCC fined Howard Stern’s flagship radio station $27,500 for a 2001 incident involving Stern, Robin Quivers and Artie Lange. Just days after this issue published, the FCC tried to fine Stern nearly $500,000. Sadly, this is the best photo I’ve ever seen of Artie Lange.

• “Report: Caucasians Will Soon Be A Minority In Their Own Goddamn Country”: For the 2nd week in a row, The Onion runs a headline that feels like a 2016 Trump campaign line.

• “Richard Clarke Speaks Out”: The Onion asks people about the ex-Bush official testifying at 9/11 hearings. I don’t remember this guy, but I liked the joke confusing him with Dick Clark. This joke, meanwhile, resonates more in recent years, as it feels like every ex-government official has a book deal:

  • "I don't think Clarke is lying. He's got a book to back up his claims. What does the White House have? Nothing."

    Katie Sanderson • Legal Secretary

The Onion reviews cutting-edge science of 2004

The Onion talked a lot about genetically modified foods and stem-cell research in the early 2000s, and this issue continues the trend with the corn joke and “Potential Baldness Cure Leads Man To Reverse Position On Stem-Cell Research.”

Stem cell research was a big deal in the early 2000s because of its scientific potential, but also because of ethical and moral concerns related to embryonic stem cells.

Our protagonist, Chuck Tell, was extremely opposed to embryonic stem cell research, viewing it as the taking of human life. Until … he found out about research into hair loss:

"People who oppose the research aren't putting themselves into the position of those who suffer from… things that stem cells could cure," Tell said. "Right To Life people: What would you say if your son suffered from something that could be cured by stem cells? Something that was wrecking his life and robbing him of his self-esteem? Something that invited the ridicule of complete strangers and his own children? It's really important that you try and see both sides here."

This story is a simple premise: Let’s mock hypocrisy and the public’s general ignorance about science. Per Tell’s doctor, Daryl Farmer:

"It's touching to see Chuck give so much thought to this very complicated issue," Farmer said. "Given his emotional honesty, I wish I could bring myself to tell him that the stem cells used in this study differ from the embryonic stem cells that sparked the political debate he originally engaged in."

According to my Googling, stem cell-based hair treatments are widely available these days.

The Onion also published “Scientist Has Nagging Feeling He Left Particle Accelerator On,” a wonderful combination of an absent-minded professor and the old joke about leaving the stove on.

I am not a scientist, but I believe The Onion describes a real-life electrostatic tandem Van de Graaff injector accelerator at the University of Chicago.

America’s love of strip malls

A tiny section of the mall, which stretches from Eldridge to the outskirts of Fargo.

I grew up in a Connecticut suburb that largely resisted chains (at least in my childhood), and I’ve mostly lived in D.C. as an adult. So while I’m been to strip malls many times, they aren’t a regular part of my experience. All that to say that maybe I found “New Strip Mall Of America Stretches Over 1/6th Of North Dakota” more interesting than most of you will!

The Onion does a meticulous job of describing shopping centers of the mid-2000s, but this one is different. This strip mall gives off a very “USA! USA! USA!” vibe of being obnoxiously gigantic just because it can:

The dull-gray cinderblock and tinted-glass structure stretches along Interstate 94 from Eldridge to a point seven miles west of Fargo. Occupying six different zip codes, it is capable of hosting more than 4,700 stores and boasts 240,000 parking spaces.

While the mall's focus is on smaller chain stores, it does feature three anchor stores: a Marshalls, a Gymboree, and an Aldi grocery store, located in Jamestown, Valley City, and Oriska, respectively.

Other stores you’ll encounter include Big Lots, Dollar General, Dollar Tree, Family Dollar, Party City, Michael’s, Jo-Ann Fabrics² and Radio Shack (RIP). For food, you’ve got Auntie Anne’s, TCBY, and Shakey’s Pizza, although TGIFriday’s isn’t signing up.

I love the joke about people having to drive 90 miles around the mall’s borders:

"True, it is unfortunate that people who need to travel from, say, Hastings to Valley City will now have to factor in an extra two hours for their commute," Sloan said. "On the plus side, drivers can break up their trips by stopping in at the Petco to get a great deal on a 20-pound bag of cat food—or swinging by the Kaybee Toys to pick up a present for the little ones!"

Of all these stores, only one was unknown to me: the Ben Franklin chain.

Was this funny to y’all? I enjoyed it, but maybe I was just dazzled by the long list of chain businesses.

Area People doing Area Things

Walters holds a file containing FBI documents stripped of all mention of Blessing (inset).

One of the weirdest things about reviewing The Onion in 2024 is how innocuous topics in 2004 would be political landmines today. Like, for instance, anything involving the FBI.

“Heartbroken FBI Agent Crosses Ex-Girlfriend's Name Out Of Classified Documents” is a fun read. Just don’t think about the implications of a spurned FBI agent tracking his ex.

FBI agent Brian Walters met grad student Cathy Blessing while monitoring activists like her — she’s worked for Amnesty International and Greenpeace. Unfortunately, Walters can’t separate his work and play, as you can see here:

"We're trained to keep our eyes open for people who appear to be interested in getting involved in something deeper," Walters said, running a metal ruler down a page and using a broad-tipped Sharpie to obliterate the name of the woman with whom he'd spent four years of his life. "The FBI doesn't keep tabs on the ones like Cathy, who aren't ready for a commitment and are all too happy to keep things casual, until one day they pack up their things and move out while you're away at a weekend security-training conference in Houston."

This FBI transcript is bad news for Walters. His ex isn’t sad about the breakup, and she accepts a dinner date!

Walters’ redacting duties are manual, not digital — he’s using Sharpies and an X-Acto knife, which I think I used in the late 1990s while working on my high school paper.

The Onion doesn’t talk to the ex-girlfriend but does interview Walters’ boss, who praises his work despite “receiving the occasional torn, crumpled, or curiously streaked document.”

Heartbreak can strike anyone, even a special agent.

Other Area People items in this issue include:

• “Transit Authority Pledges To Double Number Of Out-Of-Service Buses By 2006”: A rather generic joke making fun of mass transit.

• “Wheelchair-Bound Student Would Have Preferred To Sit Out Pep Rally”: Do high schools still put on such an old play? (I’ve seen the 1940s movie, for what it’s worth)

  • “Boelart was last used in a school function Dec. 11, when he played a corpse in a production of Arsenic And Old Lace.”

• “Fuck-Buddy Becomes Fuck-Fiancé”: This is called a “situationship” now, right? Also, the phrase “fuck-joint-checking account” is one of my favorite throwaway Onion jokes.

• “Smoking Ban Collapses Fragile Prison Economy”: The Onion revisited this topic in the 2009 video “Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs.”

Were the infographics good?

“Disney's Financial Woes” is fascinating to revisit, especially with its focus on the theme parks. Since then, Disney’s transformed itself, buying Pixar, Marvel and Lucasfilm. In 2024, I’m guessing the film studios and ESPN matter more to the stock price than the parks.

My favorite joke is probably “HBO swiped that chimp that chose winning TV shows,” which refers to the 1971 Disney movie “The Barefoot Executive.”

“Top April Fools' Day Pranks” is a decent collection of jokes. “‘Forgiving’ sins of man” is wonderfully passive-aggressive, especially with Easter being today.³

“On TV Tonight” was a recurring print feature that’s mostly disappeared from the internet. The link here is to a 2005 archive of The Onion’s website.

A few observations:

• The Onion finally mentions “Friends” going away!

• I love the ABC and CBS jokes, although I’m glad “30 Rock” gave Tracy Morgan another chance.

• USA loved punny names, particuarly in the 2010s (“Necessary Roughness” and “Fairly Legal” being the worst offenders), so I can see “Domestic Behavior” being a real show.

• The WB, UPN and Univision shows are somewhat lazy stereotypes. That said, the CW has probably made several versions of the WB’s “Beautiful, Interchangeable Teens Hurt Each Other’s Feelings.”

What columnists ran?

I know “The Dukes of Hazzard” was a cultural touchstone, but I wasn’t alive for most of it, and it feels entirely foreign to me. That said, I like the perspective of “Before I Die, I'd Like To See Hazzard County With My Own Eyes” — an old man who loves visiting fictional TV locations, like the sites of “Cheers,” “WKRP in Cincinnati,” “The Jeffersons” and “Happy Days.”

So why wouldn’t he want to visit Hazzard County? Although he’s worried he’ll be let down like he was with “Three’s Company” and “Welcome Back, Kotter”:

A part of me is also apprehensive. Hazzard County's magnificence may have diminished, its splendor faded with time. It may now be a shadow of its bumptious past self. I have been saddened thusly before, as when I visited the Santa Monica boardwalk, where Jack Tripper watched Chrissy rollerskate, only to find it clotted with tourist shops. And my heart nearly broke to see the outdoor basketball courts of Mr. Kotter's beloved Brooklyn standing empty.

This column is rich in details about the TV show. Since I’ve never seen an episode, I will assume it’s accurate.

Our other columnist is Jean Teasdale, who’s back with “Test Your Jean-Q.” We learn about Jean’s brief Valerie Bertinelli phase, the scandal that took down Madge's Deep Freeze and who bullied her in high school.

Jean also offers a PSA against cutting yourself, which is welcome but also feels forced — like, was that a late edit by The Onion’s staff and/or lawyers?

This column also features drawings that are no longer online. However, they are in the print collection “Embedded in America” and reproduced below:

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Capricorn, with this bizarre callback to the late 1990s when every baseball fan suddenly learned what andro was:

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

It's one thing to try to change your image, but it's another to bulk up on Andro, wear only white mink, and insist that you're the Vanilla Gorilla.

Honorable mention to horoscopes insulting Stephen Hawking and referencing Thomas Hobbes.

What holds up best?

“Potential Baldness Cure Leads Man To Reverse Position On Stem-Cell Research” is a good example of humanity’s tendency toward selfishness. You could update the topic in a thousand ways today.

What holds up worst?

There are a few dodgy jokes. I suspect The Onion would rephrase “Wheelchair-Bound Student” today, too.

What would be done differently today?

There would be no TV listings page in 2024, obviously. What’s the age cutoff for even remembering TV Guide’s existence?

I think this issue would do well today, as most of the articles just need updated topics (AI instead of stem cells, for example). There’s a nice mix of real-life figures, politics and pop culture, plus Area Man news.

Thank you

Thanks for being here. Please share this newsletter (or the articles themselves!) with anyone who loves The Onion.

Next week, The Onion talks about nuclear secrets, Yahoo’s new search engine, Lennox Lewis’ retirement, and the importance of “munchtime.” See you then!

1. The Onion has published job-interview tips many times, including in 1997, 2001, 2012, 2014, 2016, 2020 and 2021.

2. Jo-Ann Fabrics recently filed for bankruptcy, although stores remain open.

3. In 2004, Easter fell on April 11.