20 years ago, The Onion talked about Donald Trump's casinos
Plus, Iraq gets a terror-alert system, Social Security is reformed, college kids love Adderall, Christina Applegate is cursed, and a very meta joke about a newsletter editor.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 1, 2004.
The Onion didn’t publish during Thanksgiving week from 2000 through 2003. But in 2004, riding a wave of growth, The Onion forwent vacation — and so shall we.
ICYMI: I shared initial thoughts on the November print issue mailed to paid subscribers. Also, The Onion opened a physical storefront in Chicago.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 48, the 220th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page image comes from “Homeland Insecurity: The Onion Complete News Archives, Volume 17.”1
The front-page headline “Ear, Nose, And Throat Doctor Dreams Of Being Ear, Nose, And Throat Doctor To The Stars” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
The Onion typically ran 2 infographics — one on the front page and one on the inside. The latter usually had a news hook. “Trump Casinos Bankrupt” is no exception, as it reacts to Donald Trump’s casino business filing for Chapter 11 protection.
Topical jokes can be rough to revisit 20 years later. They’re written to fill the newspaper, not to be timeless. Many readers aren’t aware of the news then, much less decades later.
But, but, sometimes the fates intervene. Revisiting Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’s romance in 2023 (or the movie “Gigli”) was even better with Bennifer getting back together. And because Trump is the president-elect (again), The Onion’s long-ago treatment suddenly becomes more interesting.
That said, this was a rare mention. Trump appeared only 4 times from 1996 to 2006 (mostly in passing). What was different in fall 2004? Trump was a television celebrity, with “The Apprentice” ranking 5th overall in primetime viewership during the 2003-04 TV season and tied for 3rd among adults 18-49.2
So, are the jokes funny? They’re mostly generic gambling/casino jokes, which is fine. There’s also The Onion forgetting the name of the Season 1 winner (Bill Rancic).
I wish this joke were illustrated: “Turns out there should've been different symbols on slot-machine reels, not just endless pictures of Trump.”
Also noteworthy is the final joke:
“Although an expert at inheriting money, The Donald lacks making-money skills.”
In this case, The Onion was right: The casino business never recovered, entering bankruptcy twice more before all locations were closed under Carl Icahn’s ownership. But in hindsight, this foreshadows a broader underestimation of Trump that we’d see repeatedly over the next 20 years.
Checking in on Iraq
“Iraq Adopts Terror Alert System” is cutting and dark. This infographic reimagines the U.S. terror-alert system as near-apocalyptic. Even the moderate threat level of Yellow-Orange essentially grants permission to kill indiscriminately: “All vehicles assumed to be carrying bombs, all citizens assumed to be sniping.”
As the one-paragraph story notes:
Citizens living in towns with populations of 1,500 or more should prepare for the smoke of burning vehicles to obscure the sun and expect hostages to be tortured for several days before being killed.
The highest alert level, “Paradise,” involves “Citizens rewarded for their piety and suffering.” This is a very post-9/11 Muslims/virgins joke a la 2001’s “Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell.”
How did people react to this in 2004? Here are mentions from a pianos forum, the Planetside Universe forum, and Bill Simmons’ intern’s weekly links at ESPN’s Page 2.3
Editor’s note: The alt text on this image includes all the copy. Clicking through the link will also get you a higher-res version of the image.
Slightly less politics than usual
The Onion finally moved on from the 2004 election, focusing instead on a signature policy proposal from President George W. Bush: Social Security reform. If it’s little remembered now, that’s because it didn’t succeed.
The Onion, perhaps remembering Bush’s history as a baseball owner, parodies this proposal with “New Social Security Plan Allows Workers To Put Portion Of Earnings On Favorite Team.”
This article doesn’t feel so strange in 2024 given the explosion in legalized sports betting. Meanwhile, Social Security is back in the news, with one think tank predicting insolvency by 2033.
Because this is 2004, there’s no FanDuel or DraftKings. Instead, Bush creates the Office of Social Security and Pari-mutuel Wagering, led by Demitri “The Greek” Kannapolis.
Rep. Paul Ryan (incorrectly identified as a senator) explains the program:
“For too long, Social Security has been managed by an elite group of government accountants and economists,” said U.S. Sen. Paul Ryan (R-WI), a longtime advocate of Social Security reform and athletics-based gambling. “Why let your retirement money sit around in an account when you could double or triple it in a single year? Under the new plan, anyone with access to a sports page can control his financial destiny.”
Added Ryan: “Assuming, of course, that Favre keeps a lid on those turnovers next season.”
Favre threw a career-high 29 interceptions in the following season.
The Social Security Athletic Wagering Commission has broad support, including from Sen. Harry Reid, D-Nev., and Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa. That said, Rep. Bob Matsui, D-Calif.,4 wants lottery tickets to be an investment option for people who don’t follow sports.
I like how The Onion lampoons Social Security privatization without letting anyone off the hook — neither our politicians nor our society’s unhealthy relationship with betting.
In real life, this article sparked a discussion of real-life Social Security reform on the Bleacher Coaches forum. And the Village Voice warned that this article too closely resembled real life.
Other political jokes in this issue include:
“Zell Miller Named First Secretary Of Offense”: This is the outgoing senator’s 2nd and final Onion appearance, following September 2004’s “Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks On Upcoming Al-Qaeda Convention.”
“Congress Approves Of $250 Billion”: The only dissenter is House Minority Leader Rep. Nancy Pelosi.
Adderall and insomnia
I’ve never taken Adderall, but as a college student in 2004, I knew many classmates who did. This was the “study drug” of its time. In “Kids Using Drugs To Study,” The Onion asks people for their thoughts.
I especially like this answer:
“It turns out the main ingredient in Adderall is dextroamphetamine. So all these years, long-haul truckers have been a vast, untapped intellectual resource?”
Scott Wolman • Cashier
The current website cuts off the 2nd response, which in full is:
"These drugs help them study? Wow. Turns out drugs aren't cool after all."
Jeffrey Stuart • Surgeon
The Onion also offers tips for “Fighting Insomnia,” a lifelong problem for many people close to me. I like this list’s mix of almost-real advice and silliness. They include:
“According to researchers at the National Sleep Foundation, there is an actual National Sleep Foundation. Yes, for real.”
“If you got less than three hours of sleep the previous night, it’s important to inform everyone you meet of that fact all day long.”
“If you are going to take pills to help you sleep, be sure you take enough to knock yourself out. Watching Good Morning America while sleep-deprived and tranquilized is a hellish experience.”
As for the image above, maybe that guy shouldn’t be wearing regular clothes to bed!
Area People doing Area Things
“Office-Newsletter Editor Refuses To Back Down” was always funny to me, but I appreciate it more after spending much of my career with a newsletter company. We had an in-house newsletter, but I don’t remember it being controversial.
I love the world-building here. The Vitamin Shoppe’s internal newsletter has a great name (“Shoppe Talk”). Editor Nathan Harrity seems to think he’s a crusading newsman:
“People don’t like to hear the truth,” Harrity said. “I knew the parking-space article would upset a few people, but I’m not giving in. I know there are people who’d like Shoppe Talk to be nice and fluffy. Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not a nice-and-fluffy guy. I tell it like it is.”
Harrity’s editorial, “A Parking Polemic,” was the latest article to raise two or three eyebrows around the office.
Look, some of Harrity’s changes are good, like getting rid of clip art. But he seems bored with updates like “Gail’s going-away party this Friday at Houlihan’s.”5 No, he wants to change hearts and minds:
Harrity cited several changes that have occurred in the office as a result of his stories, including the reduction of dirty dishes in the office sink, the installation of new carpeting in the reception area, and the outing of gay coworker Martin Killgraves.
“That article about Martin was an accident,” Harrity said. “I really thought everyone knew.”
I love how the “Did You Know?” trivia section is too popular to cut.
Alas, Harrity’s newsletter is mostly ignored:
“I don’t usually read the newsletter, but I saw that last one in the kitchen,” Levans added. “I’m glad I read it, because I’d totally forgotten about Gail’s party on Friday.”
A boy running away from home with nothing but his checked knapsack on a stick. A young man heading west to the unknown frontier.
“In Search Of A Better Life, Teen Moves Downstairs” is just like that, except the boy embarks on “a journey of 70 feet.”
While 16-year-old Eric Jankowski received his parents’ blessing to emigrate, many challenges remain:
The basement bathroom has no working shower, so he will have to install one himself with the help of his friend, Rob Gaer. Carpet remnants will need to be collected. Cordless drills must be borrowed from an unwilling and suspicious father. Additionally, Jankowski will have to brave the elements during the harsh winter months, when temperatures in the basement dip as low as 50 degrees, necessitating the use of a space heater.
According to Jankowski, the move offers the opportunity to escape an oppressive regime.
The Onion consults a fake sociologist — Dr. Grant Tompkins, author of “Where The Floor Is Paved With Cement: An Adolescent’s Quest For His Underground Domain.” He says “downstairs migration” is a post-war trend, as the suburbs opened up “virgin basement acreage.”
The Onion even predicts a future where adults don’t move out:
In the ’90s, teens began to populate their parents’ basements even after graduation. Indeed, with easy access to pornography via the Internet and a depressed job market creating strong cultural and economic incentives to stay, some have inhabited their parents’ basements well into their 30s.
This is a beautifully executed premise, and I love how seriously The Onion treats this absurdity. There’s even a quote from an old man shaking his fist at the sky:
Gus Kleinbold, 89, was one such Depression-era teen.
“When I was a boy, fat chance I would have my own basement room,” Kleinbold said. “We slept five to a bed! When the war began, forget it. Not like the young people today, with their carpeted basements and X-Boxes.”
Other Area People items include:
“Graffiti Artist No Longer Putting His Heart In It”: Solid front-page joke.
“Childhood Friend Stops Writing After Two E-mails”: The guy is pretty upbeat about this rejection. I wonder whether this would be a Facebook joke in 2005 or 2006.
“Party Host Proudly Informs Guests They're Eating Shark”: I’m impressed Jeanette Rojahn could acquire shark meat in Mankato, Minn., which is nowhere near an ocean.
“Dance-Club Bathroom Left Out Of Gay Couple's Meeting Story”: The Gay 90s is a real club on Hennepin Avenue in Minneapolis.
“Man Gets All The Way To Hospital Just To Find Out Wife Will Be Fine”: My birthplace of Bridgeport, Conn.! This guy misses out on seeing the New York Knicks, which is not a short drive.
Were the infographics good?
“Why Are We Shaving Our Heads?” is a fun front-page infographic. I like the bluebird making a nest in the guy’s hair. I also love this stupid answer: “It gets all hairy if we don’t.”
“Are female college sophomores challenging bullshit societal mores” feels like a spiritual predecessor to 2002’s “Lesbian Identity Ends Abruptly Mid-Junior Year.”
What columnists ran?
“$25,000 Is Its Own Reward” is a play on phrases like “Virtue is its own reward.” The premise is simple, but the writing is enjoyable.
Harry Wilcox knows exactly why he chose to rat out a counterfeiting ring:
With so many friends calling to congratulate me for coming forward, it takes some effort to remember what motivated me from the start: the money. Without it, I’d be just another do-gooder in a world full of hopeless suckers. With it, I’m something my friends and family never thought I would be—financially secure for about a year if I play my cards right. And that feeling of security is something no one can buy, unless they have tens of thousands of dollars in cash.
What can you get with $25,000 in 2004? Well, he’ll tell you:
And $25,000 can buy a whole lot of things, like a plasma-screen TV, a five-speaker surround-sound stereo system, new jewelry, and rims for my car, not to mention expensive dinners with a lot of expensive women and expensive booze.
“Rims for my car.” Not that people don’t buy those now, but this really was the era of “Pimp My Ride,” huh?
“Beware The Kristina Applegate Curse!” is a classic Jackie Harvey column: A man enthusiastic about Hollywood but clueless about it.
Yes, Christina Applegate had a few commercial flops, including “Surviving Christmas.” “Employee of the Month” (not the Dane Cook one!) and “View From The Top.” But she also won an Emmy for guest-starring on “Friends” and was great in “Anchorman,” or “Anchor Men,” as Harvey calls it.
Harvey unfairly calls her box-office poison but praises “Surviving Christmas,” which prompts a new feature, “Second Looks With Jackie Harvey.” Of all movies, he chooses “Taxi” — the inexplicable hit with Jimmy Fallon:
What movie is that? That movie is Taxi, with Queen Levitra and Jimmy Fallen! Taxi has it all. It’s a buddy comedy with Jimmy as a cop who can’t drive and Queen as a taxi driver who can. Using her car, Queen helps Jimmy track down a drug dealer. Or killer. I have to watch it again to figure out which one it is. It really doesn’t matter, since it’s all just a backdrop for the sexual tension between the two fishes out of water. (Ka-pow! When are those two going to get it on?) Laughs get a green light in this automotive thrill ride through Harvey-hometown New York City!
“Queen Levitra” is wild.
Other Harvey malapropisms include:
“Yessir Afarat” for Yassir Arafat. In real life, CBS interrupted the end of “CSI: NY” to break the news.
The names of Peter Gallagher, nutritionist/public speaker Susan Powter and Star Jones’ then-husband, Al Reynolds.
“The other Hilton—not Paris, but the other one.”
“Ray—there’s a lot of Oscar™ buzz surrounding star Jamie Fox for his turn as of boxer Sugar Ray Leonard.”
Also, Harvey ponders his notes:
The other night, I wrote down “Carson Daley and teeth,” and then I got lost roaming the Internet for several hours and forgot about it. When I sat down to write this column, I found it written down at my desk: “Carson Daley and teeth.” I have no idea what I was going to say about one or the other, let alone both.
If nothing else, Jackie Harvey makes me remember obscure pop-culture trivia I’d long forgotten.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Virgo for this written sight gag:
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a Dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
I love how The Onion respects the trademark of Dumpster by capitalizing the word.
Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2004 archive has a better view.
What holds up best?
“In Search Of A Better Life, Teen Moves Downstairs” could run in any era, as teen rebellion is perpetual.
What holds up worst?
Zell Miller was an influential politician in his time, no doubt. But why would anyone younger than me care about “Zell Miller Named First Secretary Of Offense”?
Maybe my readers from Georgia love this joke? Let me know.6
What would be done differently today?
This is a fun, goofy issue. Today, there’d be more jokes about politics, pop culture, sports, Thanksgiving/Black Friday/Christmas, etc.
Speaking of recent jokes, I love the idea of Nov. 30, 2024’s “Parents Completely Jacked 3 Months Into Retirement” but was disappointed it was only a photo.
Thank you
Grateful to have you here. Please continue to like, comment and share the newsletter — it’s huge for gaining favor with Substack’s algorithm and recommendation engine.
Next week, we’ll look at jokes about Wal-Mart, “Fahrenheit 9/11.” Scott Peterson, and Americans marrying later in life. See you then!
I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.
What a surprise to link to a still-working Angelfire webpage!
Simmons’ intern discusses such late-2004 topics as the BALCO investigation, getting to know Ken Jennings, baseball wife Anna Benson and the ratings on NBA Live 2005.
Houlihan’s is headquartered in Kansas, so that’s where The Onion places The Vitamin Shoppe despite it being an East Coast company.
I visited Atlanta last week for the first time to see Manchester Orchestra, Thrice and other bands. Loved what I saw of the city, including downtown, the King Center and the BeltLine.
"Queen Levitra" is a good malapropism, but the funniest mangling of Queen Latifah in the Onion's orbit was the username of AV Club commenter Queef Latina.
("King Latifah Returns for Wife" is a close second.)
Yup. My grandparents had all sorts of nicknames because I was a small child mispronouncing the terms lol. Doubly so when trying to use the Portuguese words with my paternal grandparents.