20 years ago, The Onion was wrong about Jimmy Fallon

Plus, J.K. Rowling, the 9/11 Commission, Ronald Reagan, torture and MP3 players. And let's look at what's on TV tonight!

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit June 16, 2004.

In this issue, we revisit uncontroversial subjects like the 9/11 Commission, J.K. Rowling and the use of torture. The Onion continues to mourn Ronald Reagan, but its obituary for Jimmy Fallon is premature. Also, I’m thrilled to revisit The Onion’s TV listings.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 40, Issue 24, the 197th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.

The front-page headline “Heinz Factory Explosion Looks Worse Than It Is” is no longer online. I love this joke. I wonder whether it’s subconsciously inspired by everyone realizing in 2004 that Sen. John Kerry’s wife was married to a Heinz heir first.

The Onion’s “On TV Tonight” feature is no longer online. I’m linking to the Internet Archive’s 2004 version.

The website lists “Michael Moore Kicking Self For Not Filming Last 600 Trips To McDonald's,” which was in the previous week’s print issue but not on the website version.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Members of the 9/11 commission that destroyed countless political careers.

The 9/11 Commission was a lengthy, somber project¹ that left everyone somewhat dissatisfied (not to mention the redactions). The Onion must have felt this cynicism with “Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented.”

This is a classic Onion joke template — change 1 or 2 words to unleash an alternate universe of facts. In this case, the real tragedy is not 9/11, nor is it the 9/11 Commission failing to deliver a damning indictment. No, the real victims are Washington bureaucrats who were inconvenienced:

"The frighteningly resolute faces of commission chair Thomas H. Kean and vice-chair Lee H. Hamilton are familiar after several weeks of frenzied media coverage, but the commission's roots run deeper," Townsend said. "The thing that keeps me awake at night is the number of advisors who are still out there today, secretly evaluating our policies. We have no way of knowing who might be called forth by a panel in the future."

"You see the vast scope of the problem," Townsend added. "We're fighting a whole new type of enemy—one that hides among its victims."

The 9/11 Commission is the real terrorists, apparently. That quote is from then-Homeland Security Advisor Fran Townsend. Other officials who are shocked at the Commission’s work include National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice and Sen. Joe Lieberman, who blames Speaker Dennis Hastert.

Tenet, whose agency was ripped apart by the 9/11 commission.

Another Onion trope is fake lobbying groups and trade associations. We have another one here:

"Think not only of these poor politicians, but of their families and their staffs," said Gerald Davis, spokesman for Stop The Panels, a group of advocates for the unseen victims of investigations. "Anyone who works for an important Washington politician has been touched by this tragedy."

Other political items this week included:

• “66 Percent Of U.S. Citizens Object To Torture In Nonetheless Frightening Poll”: The Onion actually undersells this joke: In real life, close to 50% of Americans favored some use of torture against terrorists. And when it came to torture in general, most polls during the 2000s showed at least 40% approval.

  • “Reassuringly, 97 percent of Americans were against the torture of U.S. soldiers or citizens by non-Americans.”

• “Internet Pedophilia Crackdown”: This was a real “global task force” involving the U.S., U.K., Canada and Australia. The Onion asks people what they think. My favorite is this one because of the old-school usernames:

  • "Police will be patrolling the Internet? They'll need to get the nation's top men on it— Readyman, Chillycheez, SatanicMechanic, and maybe even BeeBop77."

    Thomas Barnes • Systems Analyst

The unstoppable Jimmy Fallon

Rarely has The Onion been so wrong as with the front-page headline “Jimmy Fallon Six Tantalizing Months From Disappearing Forever.”

To defend The Onion, this should have happened! Fallon left “SNL” in May 2004 and was making 2 bad, forgettable movies: “Taxi” and “Fever Pitch.” And what was he known for? Being the less funny half of “Weekend Update” and constantly “breaking” during sketches — i.e., being bad at the job.²

But a few things happened:

• “Taxi” made $71 million on a $25 million budget. Meanwhile, “Fever Pitch” benefited from a plot where the 2004 Boston Red Sox won the World Series — and then they actually did it! That movie also made back its budget.

• Fallon mostly drank and bummed around for a few years until Lorne Michaels rescued him by handing him the “Late Night” show.

• Then Jay Leno blew everything up, and Fallon eventually got “The Tonight Show.”

Who can blame The Onion for not anticipating that Michaels would choose Fallon as his favorite son?

Remembering Reagan

Last week, we covered The Onion’s online-only jokes about the death of former President Ronald Reagan. On June 16, 2004, the print issue had additional jokes, including the infographic “Memorializing Reagan.”

This is funnier than anything from the previous week, which makes sense because The Onion’s staff had more time to craft their best jokes. Some of these jokes are obligatory but well-crafted, such as “21 dead-nun-salute (El Salvador)” and the jokes about Iraq and communism.

My favorites are “Ronnie Gras (New Orleans)” and “Celebration of first-ever Reaganmas, with new tradition of exchanging toy arms for toy hostages (U.S.).”

The Onion also had the front-page headline “Reagan's Memory Honored With Sharp Increase In Federal Budget Deficit.” This is fine, but it’s something “The Daily Show” could have done better. The photo is from Reagan’s D.C. funeral procession — Getty has similar photos with those people next to the casket.

Finally, the horoscopes had this:

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

A dark time in your life will come to a sudden end after an unexpected, drastic improvement in Ronald Reagan's condition.

How J.K. Rowling used to be covered

Left: The cover of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix." Right: Rowling, who is "so over dragons and magical gems."

In the 2020s, suffice it to say, J.K. Rowling is making news for reasons other than the “Harry Potter” books. But ironically, “J.K. Rowling Ends Harry Potter Series After Discovering Boys” is also about gender.

Let’s set the stage for The Onion covering “Harry Potter” or Rowling in 2004:

• We still had 2 “Harry Potter” books in development! The franchise was already massive and only getting bigger. Think Taylor Swift in 2020 versus now.

• The Onion covered “Harry Potter” and/or Rowling several times, including 2000’s “Harry Potter Books Spark Rise In Satanism Among Children” and 2021’s “Children, Creepy Middle-Aged Weirdos Swept Up In Harry Potter Craze.”

• But they haven’t obsessed over it — The Onion probably covered North Korea more often from 2000-2004 than “Harry Potter.”

Full disclosure: I’ve never read “Harry Potter” or seen the movies. I struggle to differentiate Elijah Wood and Daniel Radcliffe, and if you talk about what house you’re in, this is basically my reaction:

So I’m not qualified to talk about any of this, haha. Let’s simply examine the article.

Rowling has discovered boys like many a teenage girl, although we immediately notice the somewhat dated habits she’s picked up:

According to Knowles, instead of working on the as-yet-untitled sixth installment in her series, Rowling has spent the past two months sunning herself at the beach, reading fashion magazines, and talking on the phone for hours.

…

“She's a lot older than she was when she wrote the first book. She'd much rather be going to the mall, looking for cute outfits, and talking to the boy with the curly red hair who works at the Hot Sam pretzel shop."³

Rowling also has a crush on author Randy Powell, who has not reciprocated. Fans are also unhappy about her belly button piercing and wardrobe choices.

I feel like this article it’s as much a reaction to April 2004’s “13 Going on 30” and the 2003 version of “Freaky Friday” as it is a parody of Rowling or the “Potter” books. It’s worth reading to understand our culture back then, but that’s about it.

Area People doing Area Things

Yothers in a photo taken just months, or even weeks, before his death.

“Man's Impending Death Alcohol-Related” is a dark concept. The fate of 42-year-old Derek Yothers is sealed; it’s simply a matter of how alcohol kills him:

"We'll need the coroner's report before we file this away for good, of course," O'Malley added. "But even if he drunkenly trips on the ice and breaks his neck, burns himself to a cinder after passing out with a lit cigarette in his mouth, or dives through a plate-glass window in a show of bravado and bleeds to death, we'll probably still list 'alcohol' as the cause of death."

A headstone purchased by Yothers' family and placed in the family plot earlier this month.

Thank goodness Yothers is a caricature, not a real person. He has no job, 2 ex-wives and just got out of prison. All in all, a sad tale.

This is the type of Onion story that’s well-written. The details are cutting:

• Yothers’ brother eulogizes him and regrets not helping him more.

• An old co-worker hopes they can get pitchers of Old Style “before it’s too late.”

• The family plans to play "She Talks To Angels" by The Black Crowes at the funeral service.

It’s also the type of Onion story that’s hard to share. You can’t open an intervention with this! But let me know if you try it.

Pedro's employees reminisce about Wanzeck (inset).

In a different kind of departure, “Former Coworker Romanticized” is another great Onion skewering of workplace dynamics.

The twist in this article is that Jim Wanzeck was a bad employee who was a jerk to everyone — but now that he’s gone, people feel differently:

"I'll never forget how, every time he messed up a drink order, he'd try to blame me," Padilla added. "God, then there was the time he threw his nametag in the deep fryer. It got all bubbly, but he wore it for the rest of his shift. It was like he punked himself! Legendary."

The Onion makes this guy sound suspiciously like columnist Jim Anchower, although at least he has a girlfriend:

Coworkers said Wanzeck often entertained them with elaborate stories about his difficult landlord, cheerless girlfriend, and trouble-prone car.

We also learn that Wanzeck has a George W. Bush impression, lied to customers about a global enchilada shortage, was fired for stealing credit card numbers and lodged a hairnet in the heating vent.

Other Area People items include:

• “Mugger Can't Believe Crap Victim Has On MP3 Player”: This story is set in Boston, so imagine the accent on a guy saying, “The new Counting Crows?! Man, I'm glad I pistol-whipped that motherfuck."

• “Cryptozoologist Falls For It Again”: Such a simple one-liner, but so effective. The cryptozoologist in this article is almost certainly named after future “50/50” screenwriter Will Reiser, who is friends with and ran a production company with 1990s-era Onion writer Ben Karlin (also a co-author of “50/50”).

• “No One Notices Area Man's Marginal Attempts To Change”: I love the mundane things this guy is doing, like holding elevator doors open and yielding the last samosa to his brother. Later efforts in this genre include 2015’s “Area Man Eats Breakfast For Dinner In Desperate Attempt To Reinvent His Life.”

• “New Alternative-Fuel SUV Will Deplete World's Hydrogen By 2070”: This is silly but fun. The Ford Foresight weighs 22,000 pounds!

Were the infographics good?

I like when The Onion’s front-page infographics ask open-ended questions. “What Could We Do If We Wanted To?” is both absurd (“Reach those grapes”) and somber (“Beat Cancer.”).

The illustration of a man swimming underwater to punch a shark is delightful.

Also, the line “Be the black Ray Romano” has been stuck in my head all week.

The Onion’s “On TV Tonight” feature was always a favorite of mine. Visually, it resembles newspaper TV listings from the era. A few observations:

• “Midseason Makeover” is a great parody of ABC’s “Extreme Makeover” and network TV’s habit of running midseason replacements.

• “Behind the Smock: Real Stories of Janitorial Excess” is a great show title.⁴

• Discovery’s “Big Cats”/”Big Cars” combo is actually a great idea.

• “Sabrina the Teenage Victim” feels different after the recent Nickelodeon expose.

• I love MTV bookending “A 14-Year-Old’s Idea of Cool” with “A 37-Year-Old Executive’s Idea of Cool.”⁵

What columnists ran?

Dept. Head Rawlings

I swear, there are too many good things in this issue. “We Have Confirmation That Someone Has Tested A Thanatos Device” is the return of Dept. Head Rawlings, the spymaster whose columns always begin in the middle of the plot, leaving the reader confused and just trying to keep up.

Do we find out what a Thanatos device is? Not really, but apparently, “mutually assured nuclear destruction seems rather quaint now.”⁶ There’s talk of many fictional or theoretical properties: Californium-298, “chthonic properties of tachyons,” “theta-amplitude pseudoparticles,” “teracycle bands” and much more.

Rawlings laments “this business we’re in” even as he does his job:

Yes, so, in light of this startling fact, we are positioning all available field resources appropriately. We need two things from you at your very earliest convenience. You must provide me with a list of people who may possibly have aided the Turkmen in the development of the device. And secondly—well, I'm terribly sorry, sir, but this business we're in… Of course, we'll need your signed resignation on my desk by this time tomorrow.

You rarely see this sort of cult humor today, at least not on any large platform.

Jerry Milobritch

Our other columnist is “Hey, Isn't That The Pot That's On TV?” in which Jerry Milobritch is truly ecstatic at spotting at spotting an early-2000s Pasta Pro Cooker in the store.

You don’t need to remember this product to delight in how excited Jerry is. For some reason, he thinks the Pasta Pro is sentient:

Man, I wonder what the hell the Pasta Pro is doing all the way out here in Litchfield. And why's it in a pharmacy? Shouldn't it be in California on the set of another commercial or something? You'd think it'd have something else lined up by now. Come to think of it, I've been seeing repeats of the same commercial for a while now. I hope the pot's doing okay.

Don't stare at it. That's totally rude.

Because it’s 2004, the guy asks whether his companion has a digital camera on them so they can document the cooker. But while he’ll photograph from afar, he’s reluctant to approach:

Should we go over there? I don't know. That just seems kinda weird. I'm sure that the pot is used to being noticed, but I'm not sure if we should try to pick it up. Maybe we should just leave it alone and let it do its thing. I'm not one of those losers that fawns over a kitchen appliance just because it's been on TV. I mean, if it were the Ronco Electric Food Dehydrator, I wouldn't care at all.

These are little, truly bizarre details that make The Onion great.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Taurus, and I don’t think I should enjoy this, but I guess I’m fond of switcheroos:

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You'll be violated hundreds of times by out-of-control alcoholics, but it's to be expected, considering that you're the local ordinance against drunk and disorderly conduct.

What holds up best?

I love “No One Notices Area Man's Marginal Attempts To Change” and wish it was a longer story.

But overall, so many fun stories and good joke constructions. This is a great issue.

What holds up worst?

The Fallon joke. So prominent, so wrong!

What would be done differently today?

Oh Lord. So much. Any coverage of J.K. Rowling, for starters!

Also, The Onion treats alternative energy sources, like hydrogen, as a novelty. That made more sense in 2004 than in 2024.

Finally, are any infomercials famous (or infamous) today? Maybe today’s version of “Hey, Isn't That The Pot That's On TV?” is mocking some kind of unskippable YouTube ad or the NBA playoffs running the same 3 commercials.

Thank you

Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others! It’s a long read, I know, but I appreciate you sticking around.

Next week, we’ll revisit the latest happenings in Iraq, the movie “Troy,” Jeff Gordon, Orkin Man, and the early days of privatized space travel. See you then!

1. D.C. was buzzing this week because Netflix was shooting a Robert DeNiro limited series in which — really — he is an ex-president called out of retirement to lead a commission. Who knew commissions could be exciting!

2. I don’t hate Fallon! At least he brings energy to the job. Plus, at 11:35 at night, most people want light silliness before they fall asleep. I once read an article arguing that Jay Leno won the late-night wars — not because he was funnier, but because he understood the assignment better than David Letterman. Jimmy Fallon understands the assignment almost too well.

3. The last Hot Sams locations were rebranded in 2005, although “Stranger Things” created one for the show in 2018.

4. At my old job, I edited a newsletter for janitorial services companies. The media ignores these companies but luridly covers any crime story involving janitors.

5. I swear there’s an old Onion headline similar to this — something like “15-year-old’s favorite song written by 43-year-old” — but I couldn’t find it online. Maybe it’s a front-page headline that disappeared.

6. Dr. Jack Kevorkian had a Thanatron device inspired by the Greek character Thanatos, for what it’s worth.