20 years ago, The Onion said, 'It's U.S. or Them'
Also, the FBI's witness-protection parade goes awry, Wal-Mart targets a small business and Herbert Kornfeld is suspicious of daycare.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Sept. 10, 2003.
It’s 2 years since 9/11, and what a difference a year makes! In 2002, The Onion marked the anniversary of 9/11 and the 1-year-and-2-weeks anniversary. But in 2003, nothing.
Also, I got something wrong last week — Larry Groznic did not write about Yoda! This is what I get for writing while traveling. Thanks to Tim Harrod for calling that out.
This week, I’ll try to avoid such mistakes! Also, if you’re new here, welcome! We publish most Sundays, and you can sign up below.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 35, the 162nd new Onion issue of the 2000s. There’s no archive of the 2003 website once again. Here’s what the website looked like in 2013 and today.
The front-page headline “Alabama Man Wins Personal Victory Over Gun Control” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
On Sept. 20, 2001, President George W. Bush said, “Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists.”1
2 years later, The Onion followed through on this promise with “Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them,” a subtle wordplay with “U.S.” replacing “Us.”
There’s no wrong time for an Onion story critiquing the Bush administration’s foreign policy, but the timing is curious. Early September 2003 was relatively calm! Iraq was moderately stable, with the U.S. and Brits propping up an Iraqi governing council and asking the U.N. to take a bigger role in Iraq. They were even divvying up security duties, with Poland’s military overseeing a region.
This wasn’t April 2003, when everyone thought we’d invade Syria.
That said, it’s a funny bit. It’s written like a real news story about Bush officials condemning terrorism, except instead of al-Qaida or the Axis of Evil, it’s Them:
"The U.S. is surrounded on all sides by Them," Rumsfeld said. "Over 90 percent of the planet's land mass is controlled by Them, and the territories immediately south, west, east, and north of the U.S. are all occupied by Them. Until we can correct this risky state of affairs, it is vital that we maintain our military readiness to intervene whenever and wherever They oppose us."
National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice is concerned about Them having all the oil: “How are we supposed to get our oil? By buying it from Them?"
Fictional historian Wesley Crandon reminds us that this U.S. vs. Them conflict has long persisted — and even our so-called allies can’t be trusted.
According to Crandon, many U.S. political analysts hoped Them-led resistance had finally come to an end after the Cold War.
"But now, even former allies have revealed anti-U.S., pro-Them sentiments," Crandon said. "This includes the Them province of France and its lack of support for Operation Them Freedom, and England who—despite having helped the U.S. fight Them in the past—has recently been revealed as un-American by the ongoing Tony Blair investigation."
I love that he calls them “England” instead of the U.K.
There was a lot of White House news this week!
“U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq” is about the U.S. trying to play nice — but also get other countries to pay the bill:
"Finally, the U.S. is allowing other countries to contribute financially to Iraq's reconstruction. They were getting really pissed off that we weren't letting them do that."
Erin Rose • Interior Designer
“White House Denied Third Mortgage” is ironic because Bush is denied by Washington Mutual, which collapsed in 2008 after trying to become the self-proclaimed "Wal-Mart of Banking."
“FBI Discontinues Witness Protection Parade” is a wonderfully silly Onion article. Let’s ignore that the FBI doesn’t run witness protection.
Remember Robert Mueller? He’s here as FBI director, canceling the “John Smith Memorial Witness Protection Parade” despite 30 years of delighting the nation — “TV ratings second only to those of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.”
The problem is that witnesses don’t want to participate — and the violence:
In 1977, a burning, driverless garbage truck, reported stolen earlier in the day from the Happy Haul-Away Sanitation Company, plunged into the "Telling The Tales Of Yesteryear" float, killing 17 men. In the '80s, the route was changed annually, in an attempt to circumvent the tendency of Colombian-owned businesses to detonate as the parade passed. Also, the "Boxes Of Nails From Around The World" limousine caravan sponsored by the Sons Of Italy Working Men's Association has exploded with dire consequences seven out of the past nine years.
Once again, The Onion writes a seemingly normal news story with a twist. Yes, we hear from paradegoers who are sad about the end of a tradition. But then they talk about recognizing their relatives on the floats! Meanwhile, Mueller says fundraising wasn’t a problem:
“You should have seen the rubber-banded rolls of cash we'd find in those coffee cans we placed around town. Clearly, some people really wanted to see these parades happen."
Such an absurd concept. I wish we learned who announced the Witness Protection Parade each year. I hope Howard Cosell was involved in the early days.
Guys having a rough time
“Take-Charge, Can-Do Guy Makes Horrible Decisions” is just one of several items from the Sept. 10, 2003, issue that chronicle men who are struggling.
I don’t think this was deliberate, and it’s not an Onion trademark (2007’s “Man Finally Put In Charge Of Struggling Feminist Movement” is a famous example of the opposite tendency). But this helps me sort this week’s newsletter, so here we are.
Anyways, Matthew Stuart of Boston Tea Market is an energetic, eager junior executive, but he’s terrible at his job. He reorders the product catalog alphabetically instead of by product type:
"Everyone here really likes Matt," Jordan said. "You never really notice what an idiot he is until you're cleaning up his mess. He loves to roll his sleeves up, get in there, and fuck all sorts of things up."
"Matt is usually the first one here in the morning," coworker Karla Groff said. "There's always a fresh pot of nasty, weak coffee brewing when the rest of us get in."
Stuart says he’s the "king of multi-tasking," which might be the problem, as it can hurt your productivity and intelligence! His other bad ideas include mailing toasters, bread and tea to prospects, as well as proposing “sun-dried-tomato tea.”
The silver lining, at least for Stuart, is that many bad workers fail up:
"I don't know Matt very well, but it seems like he's really on the ball," president Gil Schneider said. "I always notice him signed up to use the boardroom, and I get a lot of emails from him. I'll have to keep him in mind next time I need a go-to guy."
Other men having a hard time this week include:
“Woman Assures You She's Not Mad”: This story concludes: “The only person she was mad at was herself, for having thought you might be different.”
“45-Year-Old Fails To Make Someone Very Happy One Day”: This is kind of a sequel? The 45-year-old man’s mother, Nancy, admits she was wrong to hope.
“Obituary Cites Teen's Love Of Music, Cars”: The late Patrick Pryde’s exotic interests include “video games, the Internet, and cable television.” (And Kid Rock!)
“Alabama Man Wins Personal Victory Over Gun Control”: This is dark. Better Alabama headlines from the early 2000s include “Alabama Governor Rassles With Controversy” and “Alabama Governor Injured Imitating Pro Wrestling.” Sadly, none of these are online today.
On the bright side, at least one fella is doing great:
“Who's Dad Good At Imitating?” makes me laugh. Pat Summerall is a good choice — the legendary NFL announcer had mostly retired in 2002. I’ve never considered Elmer Fudd and Joe Lieberman to be interchangeable, but why not?2
Also, “bloated corpse.” What a mental image!
(Other) Area People doing Area Things
The Onion also made fun of an old lady in this week's issue. “Impending Mortality Influences Area Senior's Purchasing Habits” reminds me of my grandmother, who is 94 and mostly stopped buying new things at least 20 years ago.3 Missouri woman Grace Hoagland is 73, so this checks out.
Let me give my grandmother credit: She has never tried to open her garage manually, her mattress and TV are fine, and she pays landscapers:
Although she remains in good health and has a comfortable pension, Hoagland sees her golden years as a time to severely restrict her purchasing habits. This means sleeping on a sagging mattress with coils poking through the padding, watching a television with a drifting picture, and manually opening her heavy garage door.
"I said to her, 'Mom, don't pull those weeds in your tomato garden out by hand. Get a soil aerator, so you don't have to bend down,'" said Seely, 46. "She told me, 'Oh, honey, I'm used to doing it this way. Besides, you and [Hoagland's other daughter] Peggy don't like gardening, so it wouldn't be of any use to you once I pass on.' Good Lord."
This story makes me laugh because — again, it’s not my grandmother, but it’s just close enough to feel very real, right down to the generosity:
"As my daughters will tell you, I'm very generous with the grandkids," Hoagland said. "I know little Aimee will adore the kitchen play-set I got her for Christmas. I know it seems premature to buy it so early, but you never know what will happen to me between now and December."
Other Area People items include:
“New Desk Chair A Boring Dream Come True”: I’m due for a new desk chair, but it’s not exciting to shop for. Every chair looks fine, and they are all expensive. I love this closing line (my family had a Cavalier station wagon growing up):
“Keely said she fantasizes about one day buying a Chevrolet Cavalier or visiting her cousin in Branson, MO.”
“Sweatshop Laborer's Child Loves Her Irregular Finding Nemo Sweatshirt” feels tragically realistic, like those stories about what happens to merchandise for the Super Bowl-losing team.
“Drug-Sniffing Dog Develops Taste For Bit-O-Honeys”: I’m unfamiliar with this candy, but it’s almost 100 years old!
Were the infographics good?
“Back-To-School Supplies” is appropriate, although a bit late — Labor Day 2003 was Sept. 1!
I know schools have changed a lot in the last 20 years, but I still enjoy jokes like the Ritalin Trapper Keeper and the 1,024-color Crayola set.
The most 2003 jokes are about Slipknot T-shirts and Coca-Cola being “the official sponsor of education.” Vending machines were everywhere in my high school! It was easier to get soda than water sometimes.
What columnists ran?
Herbert Kornfeld is the most anachronistic columnist on The Onion’s roster. Still, he was a man of principle: He loved Midstate Office Supply, accounts receivable and not letting anyone tell him what to do.
All of these appear in “Daddy H. Day Care,” where H-Dog isn’t about to let some licensed daycare do whatever it wants with “mah shortie, Baby Prince H Tha Stone Col' Dopest Biz-ook-kizeepin' Muthafuckin' Badass Supastar Kornfeld Tha Second” — or Tanner, according to the birth certificate.
The baby’s mother, Agnes, is going back to school, so the kid has to go to a daycare called Little Britches. Kornfeld has several conditions for this facility:
Tanner must wear his sweater. Kornfeld says it’s too cold inside the daycare.
Kornfeld says not to feed the strained carrots Agnes prepared, instead recommending “Skittles an' Slim Jims an' Andy Capp Hot Fries.”
Acceptable playtime roles include cashier, “CPA, bank tella, collections rep. If they play house, he can bust in an' audit 'em.” Kornfeld forbids his son to work in accounts payable or take an employee discount.
No giant strollers or sharing his sippy cup.
“He can watch tha show wit tha freaky puppet bloodsucka that counts off tha numbahz.” While “Sesame Street” is OK, SpongeBob is not.
Also, Kornfeld’s posse might be hanging around the daycare and drinking.
He’s an attentive dad, but maybe not the best one.
Our other columnist is a Wal-Mart, specifically store #3297.4 “Well, Well, Well–If It Isn't A Family-Owned Retailer” anthropomorphizes the great fear of Wal-Mart in the 1990s and early 2000s as it swept across America and displaced every small, local business in its path.
This Wal-Mart insults this mom-and-pop hardware store, pointing out its limited stock, cramped aisles and lack of parking.
I love the specificity of these purchases:
I'm sure you must be real busy, but if you have a minute to spare, I could use a bit of help. I was hoping to buy the new Alan Jackson CD,5 but I'm having trouble finding your music section. I'd also like to pick up a bottle of scented bath gel. What's that? Really? Just a hardware store, huh? Well, I'm sorry. I do apologize. Seems like it'd be a whole lot more convenient to go to a single store for all of my needs, but what do I know?
This column is great because it is so sinister — and implicates all of us:
Yes, sure would be a shame if you lost the tiny, local customer base that's kept your store in business for half a century. I mean, how would you pay your mortgage? Where would that leave you and your family? Just what will you do to survive?
Loyal customers, you say? Loyalty is a funny thing. You never really know what people are going to do until they're tested. I guess we'll see soon enough.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope is Virgo because it randomly brings up Marty Robbins’ 1959 song “El Paso.”
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You should have seen it coming when, out in the West Texas town of El Paso, you fell in love with a Mexican girl.
There’s also a Texas hold ‘em joke, which makes sense because ESPN had started airing the World Series of Poker in 2003.
What holds up best?
Lots of good candidates. “Woman Assures You She's Not Mad” and “Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them” are strong candidates for very different reasons.
My personal favorite is “Who's Dad Good At Imitating?”
What holds up worst?
“Obituary Cites Teen's Love Of Music, Cars” isn’t horrible, but it’s not that funny, nor do we really get to know anyone involved.
What would be done differently today?
The joke about the “anti-spaz pill” would be reworded today. That was a very common joke reference in the 1990s and early 2000s.
Thank you
Thank you all for reading, week after week. Hopefully, I didn’t make any egregious mistakes this time, but let me know your thoughts (or what you remember from 2003).
Next week, we talk about the history of rock, the Patriot Act, corruption at the Supreme Court and D.C.’s murder rate. See you then!
Interestingly, Wikipedia notes (and linked with audio here) that then-Sen. Hillary Clinton said more or less the same thing a week earlier!
At least 2 political bloggers also made this comparison in the late 2000s
My grandmother’s car is 35 years old, and she has much of the same furniture I remember from the mid-1980s. To be fair, it’s a nice little house!
Jackson had a greatest hits album come out Aug. 12, 2003.
Bit-O-Honey is one of those classic pull-your-teeth-out-by-the-roots candies that is not to be missed (unless you have dentures)! I think Dollar Tree has some.