20 years ago, The Onion previewed the 9/11 anniversary
Plus, other topical news about 2002's hottest cellphones, the Catholic Church, Jerry Springer, Woody Allen, Martha Stewart and child abductions.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Sept. 4, 2002.
We’re about to celebrate Labor Day, but in 2002, this issue came out a day after the holiday.
This issue has a modern Onion feel — lots of jokes about celebrities and real-life news. But we still have goofy local characters like Jim Anchower. There’s also surprisingly prescient commentary on cellphones, butter and cable news.
As always, thanks for being here and opening the emails! If you’re new, please sign up!
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 32, the 115th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002 (image above), 2012 and today.
“Bishop Takes Queen” is no longer online, and neither is “Woody Allen's Fourth Wife Born.” Thank God the latter doesn’t seem to be happening, although imagine if The Onion had made this joke about Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriends.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
The Onion’s 9/11 issue is a masterpiece. The headlines are simple and direct yet funny and emotional. And the actual print edition nails the “for the ages” gravitas that newspaper front pages strive for.
The Onion dips into that well again with “Who Will Bring Closure To A Grieving Nation?” I think it succeeds, even if it’s not as well-remembered.
This time, The Onion is making fun of this idea that TV coverage can heal America’s soul:
Diane Blauvelt, whose husband Nathan died in the attack on the Pentagon, said she looks forward to the all-day coverage.
"It's been an incredibly hard year for me," Blauvelt said. "At times, I didn't think I could endure the grief. But I kept telling myself, 'Diane, just hang on until this coming Sept. 11, and the networks will make it all better.' That's the only thing that got me through."
There’s even a sidebar, that trope of print newspapers! (It’s better viewed on the 2002 website version.) Psychiatrist and grief counselor Dr. Andrea Herman reveals her tips for handling the anniversary — and they’re all TV-based.
For example:
No one channel is the "right" one to watch. Find the programming that is best for you and believe in your choice.
The Onion also mentions real-life programming like NBC’s “Concert for America.” And while I don’t think Peter Jennings interviewed children on Sept. 11, 2002, he had actually done this 4 days after 9/11.
I don’t know if this is hilarious 20 years later, but it’s well-written. It’s also a good parody of the media’s self-importance — which is kind of a meta joke for The Onion.
What I also find interesting is that The Onion is so focused on the big 3 news anchors. For sure, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather and Jennings were still titans in 2002, but in hindsight, 9/11 was a last gasp for their influence.
2022 is a weird world. No one really cares about what’s on the nightly news, right? But on the other hand, “World News Tonight” has been the highest-rated non-sports show for 20 consecutive weeks! Almost 18 million people watch the Big 3 nightly news shows each night, but they might as well be invisible.
In short, The Onion in 2002 was describing, in many ways, the American culture. There’s no such thing today.
Other real-life news
“U.S. Fast-Food Chains Agree To Voluntary Cheese Limits” is a response to the real life class-action lawsuits being filed against fast-food companies in 2002.
I love this premise because I can’t imagine a world in which Americans would tolerate less cheese. I just said there’s no consensus American culture, but “pro-cheese” feels like a strong coalition.
Anyways, Burger King, McDonald’s and Wendy’s have agreed to limit their sandwiches to 3 ounces of cheese each, although Burger King (featured 2 weeks earlier) says customers can sign a waiver.
Of course, Hardee’s and Arby’s refuse to participate.
"The [NAFFR] proposal has its merits," said Boyd Shumacher, Arby's vice-president for product development and creator of the Arby's Big Cheddar roast-beef sandwich. "However, when we found that the limits included both natural cheese and imitation-and-natural cheese alloys, we felt we had to decline."
This article’s a classic parody of business news. It quickly shares what’s happening, has a few fun quotes from business executives, and that’s it. It’s efficient work by The Onion, but maybe not the most memorable.
Other items with real-life people or events include:
“Martha's Mess”: Remember when Martha Stewart was a bad guy? These jokes reference not just her recent indictment but newer accusations that she dumped her own company’s stock. My favorite joke is probably this one:
"First the Catholic Church, now Martha. Who's going to be left to make us feel bad about ourselves?"
“Catholic Church Rules Perjury Not A Mortal Sin”: Speaking of! This is, of course, a joke about the ongoing sexual abuse scandals. Perjury is now wiped away with 20 rosaries, which admittedly can take a while. The Church has also declared that “adultery only occurs when both participants are adults.”
“Desperate U.S. Colleges Weigh Emergency Bob Marley Legend Ban”: The American Council of College Administrators is a real organization, and The Onion quotes the real University of Michigan president, Mary Sue Coleman. I was in college but don’t remember this Bob Marley compilation, possibly because it was released in 1984! I can’t even imagine this story in 2022 — what 2004 album would be driving college kids wild?
“JazzFest Performer Recognizes Audience From Last Year” features real-life jazz guitarist Lee Ritenour. It’s a simple joke, but I like how Ritenour knows precise details about his regulars.
“Springer Audience Now Just Chanting ‘Kill! Kill!’“: This front-page headline is fine, but it barely feels like a joke!
Area People doing Area Things
“Area Man Hoping Cell Phone Breaks So He Can Get Better One” is the rare example of an Onion headline being more relevant 20 years later.
Dave Sychak is dissatisfied with his Motorola V60,1 which is absolutely not a smartphone. This phone didn't have "mobile messaging or color display or downloadable interface graphics." Sychak's recklessness includes throwing it to the ground and attempting to put it in the wash.
His girlfriend prevents him from washing the phone and quotes his response:
'Good thing my phone doesn't have a built-in PDA receiver like that new Ericsson R280LX Digital 'Wireless Web' Internet Phone. I'd hate to have almost ruined a phone with that.'"
Here is that enviable phone. Very few things have changed as drastically in 20 years as the size, look and power of cellphones.
The technology in this article is incredibly outdated, but The Onion nails the sentiment of the consumer who will do anything to have the latest and greatest product.
“Daughter Thinks It's Time To Have Sex Talk With Parents” flips the usual premise of the birds and bees, as 13-year-old Sara Lister is determined to make her late-30s parents finally have this important talk — even as she’s worried they aren’t mature enough for it.
The Onion asks psychiatrist Dr. Alice Migliore to weigh in, and she’s on Sara’s side:
"Often, parents will dance around the issue, so it could take Sara forever to have an open, honest conversation with them. Unless Sara wants to face years of horribly awkward encounters with her parents, she's got to sit them down and have them tell her everything she already knows."
This is a well-written story. But as a childless adult, I’m not sure whether it nails the dynamic of parents with their young teen children.
Other Area People stories in this week’s issue include:
“Bar Owner Considering Sept. 11 Options”: This feels like a legitimate dilemma for bars in September 2002. Owner Thomas Kuharski wants to do the right thing but isn’t sure how. “I'm also thinking of offering $1 rail drinks for police officers and firemen all day. Is that enough, though?"
“KKK Member Struggles To Blame Blacks For His Hangover”: I’m sure Jim Beam was thrilled to be the liquor of choice here. This is OK but feels like something Dave Chappelle did better just months later.
“First Place Cops Looked Was Inside AT-AT” is a great front-page one-liner that lets the reader imagine what happens next.
Were the infographics good?
“Keeping Kids Safe” was a reaction to high-profile abductions in 2002, including of Elizabeth Smart. Later in September 2002, President George W. Bush would compare it to terrorism during a Rose Garden event!
The only problem? Child abductions by strangers were actually declining in 2002, but media coverage was bigger than ever.
As I’ve said before, The Onion influences culture, but it also follows culture. If you want a sense of how cable TV and the War on Terror were affecting the American psyche — and humor — in summer 2002, this is it.
The jokes themselves are OK. “Give birth to multiple offspring to hedge your bets” could be applied to almost any century and any crisis.
The premise of “Top U.S. Army Recruitment Strategies” is timeless, although 2002 wasn’t a bad time for recruiting. That said, 9/11 didn’t generate the enlistment bump that previous crises had.
These are goofy jokes, and that’s fine. I always like a good Bud Ice mention. I feel like 25% of TV commercials as a youth were for Bud products.
What columnists ran?
Both our columnists this week are opposed to Big Business trying to tell them what to do.
“I Shall Scramble Two With Bacon When The Muse Moves Me” is my favorite headline in this week’s issue. This column is by a Phil's Grill short-order cook named Gus Ontiveros who is refusing to work at speed and instead approaches eggs and bacon like a painter.
I also appreciate the Rodin mention. I admittedly don’t understand/appreciate a lot of museum art and sculpture, but I love Rodin:
What know you of the artistic process? Did Rodin create his great works of sculpture by throwing rocks at marble? No, he crafted each piece with a loving touch. So, too, must one treat the egg and the fruit of the pig.
Our columnist talks about the many ways to treat an egg (“a scram with bacon is not as simple as it seems”) and criticizes the waitress for carelessly delivering plates of his masterpieces to patrons.
Like many old-school artists, Gus says being abused helped him master his craft:
What's that? Yes, I'm sure Carl was much easier to work with. But Carl is not fit to defrost the wheat bread for toast, much less prepare a Denver omelette. Your beloved Carl would not have lasted a minute under the stern tutelage of my mentor, Greg Frankenheimer, a man whose memory still makes me ache with thousands of remembered blows for less-than-perfect Eggs Benedict.
Gus would hate me. I usually just ask for scrambled eggs because you can’t mess those up.
Our other columnist is the delightful ‘70s-music-loving burnout Jim Anchower. In “I Gotta Get Back To My Roots,” he’s quit another relatively easy job that he equates to hard labor (coat-checking at the museum). The good news is that Anchower quit right before pay day and had saved some money. He decides to take a vacation.
Anchower doesn’t like to work. He’s very Gen Z that way, or so the suits say. Now that he’s quit his job, he has time to fix his Ford Festiva, buy a Nintendo Game Cube to play the new zombie games2 and pine for a 36-inch flat-screen TV he can't afford.
I leave you with this life advice:
I don't mean to get all deep on you, but I've come to realize something: Having no worries really changes a person for the better. You know? If your life ain't working for you, then you're doing something wrong, and you need to make a change.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Virgo, because this is real progress! Since 2002, butter has defeated margarine.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The reality is, if people can't believe that yellow grease is not butter, this country is seriously fucked up.
(There are a lot of good horoscopes this week, so read the whole thing)
What holds up best?
As much as I like the writing throughout this issue, “Area Man Hoping Cell Phone Breaks So He Can Get Better One” is more relevant than ever, at least as a headline.
Most technology writing ages quickly and badly, but The Onion is really talking about humanity’s love of shiny new objects. (Jim Anchower’s column shares that theme, too.)
What holds up worst?
As much as I loved the horoscopes, this joke doesn’t hold up — and wasn’t great then. It has the elements of a joke, but the final result generates an eye roll, at best.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You may not be able to walk, but you refuse to think of yourself as handicapped. You prefer to see yourself as "handi-crippled."
What would be done differently today?
As much as I like “Who Will Bring Closure To A Grieving Nation?” it barely acknowledges cable TV’s emerging role and doesn’t seem to realize the internet exists.
News coverage in America today isn’t about broadcast news or newspapers. We’re in a Wild West of old media, cable TV, social media, memes and Donald Trump.
All of this is further affected by the collapse of a consensus American pop culture, outside of maybe the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Even the brief post-9/11 period of rallying around Bush seems impossible nowadays.
That collapse of shared experiences isn’t necessarily bad, but it makes The Onion’s job more difficult.
Thank you
Next week, The Onion published on the 1st anniversary of 9/11. We’re officially entering the era of “everything’s about to be about Iraq,” and I’m a bit concerned about how funny all that will be.
Thanks for being here. See you next week!
This phone was integrated into 2002 model year Mercedes-Benz vehicles for hands-free calling.
Ah, so zombies were already taking over media 20 years ago!