20 years ago, The Onion remembered 9/11 (again)

Zombie doctors debate the best zombie diet, plus we go back and see what Jack Welch and Kelly Clarkson were up to in 2002.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Sept. 25, 2002.

Welcome to new folks! This is a lengthy newsletter, but if you see an Onion story you want to read, please click! I want this email to be a fun distraction and/or a walk down memory lane for you each week.

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What issue is this?

This was Vol. 38, Issue 35, the 118th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.

No longer online are 2 front-page headlines: “Blind Person Gawked At Safely” and “Dollar Store Looted.” I think these are good jokes, but not like, ones you’d joyously relate to people.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

I’ve talked a lot about The Onion’s gradual shift from a post-9/11 focus to more of a pre-Iraq focus. Last week was a goofy interruption of that trend, with stories about Osama Bin Laden’s telemarketing operation and President George W. Bush invading Egypt over the West Nile virus.

This week, The Onion again evokes 9/11 (and Iraq, separately), but does so to make fun of itself. Sept. 26, 2002, was 1 year after The Onion’s world-famous 9/11 issue and only a few weeks after 9/11 anniversary coverage.

So I guess it was time to make fun of the whole thing with “The Sept. 11 Anniversary: Two Weeks Later.”

The Onion was really good at writing “news” articles about 9/11 that feel almost legitimate. Here, everyone is treating the 9/11 anniversary like it was 9/11 itself — 2 weeks later, the trauma remains:

"I'm going to go to work, do my job, go home, and maybe watch a movie—just try to forget it's the second Wednesday after this year's 11th," said Angela Gregory of Frankfort, KY. "Maybe by the two-year anniversary, I'll be able to come to terms with what happened, but I just don't feel I can do that yet."

People can’t forget the 1st anniversary because there are banners, flowers and candles strewn about many cities. There’s also discussion of the ongoing grief and fear people have of … the anniversary.

(To be fair, there was legitimate concern about whether the 1st anniversary would bring new attacks. The Onion acknowledges this with fictional therapist Dr. James Olsafsky’s comments.)

The Onion closes the article by quoting a homemaker who is living that mantra of “day by day”:

If I can just get through the week before, the day of, and the day after the two-week anniversary of the one-year anniversary of Sept. 11, I know I'll be okay."

“Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet” reminds us that the zombie/vampire revival existed long before “Twilight” and “The Walking Dead.” The Onion’s mentioned zombies a handful of times in the 1999-2002 period, but this is the 1st time I’ve seen it as a news article.

This is a classic Onion story format about scientific/medical advancements. There’s the announcement, an explanation of the benefits, plus experts debating the research. This story is about diet recommendations. The difference, of course, is that it’s a zombie diet, and all the doctors quoted are technically dead.

Dr. Albert Rossum (1940-1991) announces the findings.

"A daily three-pound serving of brains supplies all the vital sugars, neurons, and ganglia essential to promoting zombie fitness and slowing the decomposition process,” says the late Dr. Albert Rossum, director of the O'Bannon Institute For Postmortem Nutritional Studies.

Rival zombie doctors at rival zombie health organizations¹ criticize the findings, suggesting it’s a fad diet and that Rossum’s study is flawed because of which zombies he included.

Rossum, in a nod to future video games and movies, argues that zombies must become stronger to avoid one-shot head kills:

"On the other hand, our exhaustive studies conclusively show that the newer, fitter breed of zombies who adhere to an all-brain diet cannot be subdued by anything short of total incineration."

Good, solid Onion writing here, and kudos to whoever dressed up like a zombie for that photo.

Real-life news that reminds you it’s 2002

I used to have a feature called “Hey, it’s 2002!” (or whatever the year was) for the most obviously dated item or anecdote. But I dropped it because, well, almost everything from 20 years ago can feel old, especially when it comes to pop culture.

That said, this issue talks about some things that were huge in 2002 but probably slipped your mind since.

The Onion only had 1 item on Iraq this week — the weekly “American Voices” feature, also known as “What Do You Think?”

In “Bush And The Weapons Inspections,” there are jokes about Bush’s pronunciation of “nuclear” and his “weird” desire to invade, as well as this:

"This whole invasion-of-Iraq thing is so complicated. I wish Kurt Loder would explain it to me."

Rick Dunst • Cab Driver

Kurt Loder, man. He was a big deal back then! (And occasionally mentioned in The Onion, like this 2000 feature on Madonna’s wedding to Guy Ritchie.)

Do you remember when Jack Welch was the greatest CEO and General Electric was the greatest company? Boy, that was a long time ago! In 2022, GE is a shell of its old self, and every one of Welch’s proteges damaged their companies.

20 years ago, Welch was still a god, albeit a god going through a messy divorce. We only know about Welch’s perks because his soon-to-be 2nd ex-wife, Jane Welch, got them published in divorce court.²

The joke about the Harvard Business Review editor/mistress is true? She lost her job when the scandal broke, but they got married and lasted until Welch’s death. This really hits home with me as someone who edited a leadership newsletter for 10 years and linked to a lot of HBR articles.

I especially like the silly jokes like “Pick of GE’s best electricity” and “Job as Conan’s sidekick.” Non sequiturs like the Galaxian video game reference are also fun.

Also, I’m not quite sure what the beagle puppy reference is about, but Welch apparently banned dogs from the house till late in life. What a guy!

Other “Hey, it’s 2002!” items include:

• “American Idol Winner Already Complaining About Pressures Of Fame”: Clarkson won “American Idol” on Sept. 4, 2002. This story doesn’t have any jokes, just true statement about celebrities and privacy. I’m just glad Clarkson is doing well in 2022.

• “B*A*P*S Rented On Strength Of Academy Award-Winning Stars”: This movie actually has cult following today. But 20 years ago, this was an easy joke about a failed 1997 movie that received zero stars from Roger Ebert. I did not realize Martin Landau was in it! Good for him for going outside his normal range.

Area People doing Area Things

A small sampling of Vartan's possessions.

“20 Percent Of Area Man's Income Spent Ironically” feels like a timeless headline. Every era has nostalgia-obsessed collectors.

The above photo is quite the assortment of random kitsch, including Teletubbies, a Jessie Ventura collectible and a pope figurine (and possibly a $2 bill?). Our 24-year-old protagonist, Alex Vartan, is not the most specific collector!

The article mentions many other items Vartan’s spent money on, including:

• Copies of “The Super Bowl Shuffle”

• Future Farmers of America jackets

• “Knight Rider” lunchboxes

• “Leonard Part 6” on Laserdisc

• A Wendy’s employee-training video

• A shirt that reads “It's Not A Beer Belly, It's A Gas Tank For A Sex Machine.”³

Maybe Vartan was on to something? I’m surprised how many of those items still exist online.

My only critique is Vartan’s mention of the Jesus figurines where he plays sports with children. It’s fine to mention! But Conan O’Brien did better bits about those same figurines 6 months earlier in 2002.

Barbie and Ken fight in their kitchen.

Apparently, there is a Barbie movie coming out in 2023. How? Anyways, get ready for that with “Ken, Barbie Reenact Parental Fight,” featuring Pop Sensation Barbie and Palm Beach Ken.

6-year-old Amanda Lytle play-acts her parents’ fight about her dad staying out at the bar too late. Then, while Barbie has a costume change, Amanda narrates the situation for the Beanie Babies watching.

The next fight is about Ken going to Circuit City for a toaster plug and Barbie saying not to drink away all their money — and also to get lots of stuff for their daughter instead.

Throwing herself forward into a horizontal position on the bed, Barbie cried loudly. "Do you love me anymore?" Barbie asked. "Boo hoo hoo. If you don't love me anymore, tell me."

"Vroom, vroom, vroom," said Ken, zooming the Twinkies box across the room to the dresser. "I have to get out of this nuthouse. I am going crazy. I'm going to go to Circus City to get the new plug for the toaster.”

1st, congratulations to Amanda for her creativity. 2nd, this is dark stuff. That poor kid!

Other Area People stories include:

• “Hotel Bar Really Hopping Tonight, Says Hotel Bartender”: A simple joke, but my family worked in hotels a long time, and this feels accurate.

• “Temp Replaced With Cheaper Temp”: Oof. Jokes about heartless corporations are always available.

• “Disgusting Gyro Meat Magically Turns Delicious After Midnight”: Sam Afton finally succumbs to the gyro meat after ignoring it 207 times. Is there no late-night pizza place for the inebriated in Champaign, Illinois?!?

• The front-page headlines “Armchair Quarterback Blitzed” and “Alpha Male Marries Tri-Delta Female” work well in such a small space on the page.

Were the infographics good?

If nothing else, “Top U.S. Foreign-Policy Blunders” makes me laugh for the Teddy Roosevelt joke. And I’m probably underrating the Folgers and Scorpions jokes. The Princess Di joke is the only one that feels forced to me.

If you weren’t old enough to remember, President George H.W. Bush vomited on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa in 1992.

What columnists ran?

I deliberately have not mentioned the column “Mock Me If You Will, But This Huge Cock Has Gotten Me Out Of Some Tough Scrapes.”

Let’s put it this way: The Onion commits to the bit! If you want to read about keys being fished out of sewer drains, cats being rescued from trees and a Van Gogh robbery being foiled — all because of a lengthy and seemingly magical penis — then this column is for you! If not, well, I warned you.

(I laughed a lot at this column. It’s so stupid, and I mean that positively.)

Our other column is “Ask The Dauphin.” part of the long-running Onion advice column where the answers never match the questions. Here, the French heir to the throne bosses around his tutor, decrying “Horrid Latin! Beastly Geography!” and bemoans how he cannot rule the kingdom with his sister as his queen.

However, later letters reveal that the monarchy is being overthrown and our Dauphin placed in a dungeon. Credit to The Onion for whatever flights of fancy (or substances) yielded this commentary:

“He told me I am obliged to stay indoors, as the peasants are once again demonstrating for bread outside the palace gates. If they did not spend their wages on drink, they would be able to feed themselves. Besides, they have no right to object to their sorry lot, for God made them inferior. Cardinal de Poucy told me so himself, and he is one of your most learned advisors. Yet they continue to be noisy and unruly, and their stench is horrible, too—have they never heard of cologne-water? Papa, I want you to fire your cannons at these noisome peasants so that I may once again ride in my little carriage.”

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Cancer because it hearkens back to a simpler time when Ricky Schroeder was just an actor, not a political fault line:

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

It takes a lot to offend you, but you are profoundly outraged that Ricky Schroeder is hosting the new American Sportsman.

What holds up best?

The Onion’s 9/11 coverage remains funny and powerful 20 years later. It’s a wonderful demonstration of how The Onion wasn’t afraid to mock anyone but also had a good sense of timing.

Publishing a version of “The Sept. 11 Anniversary: Two Weeks Later” immediately after 9/11 would have not landed well — instead, we got the kinder “Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake.”

But a year later is a perfect chance for The Onion to mock the media’s coverage (and to poke fun at itself, too).

What holds up worst?

Nothing, really? I really like this issue. Even something like “Blind Person Gawked At Safely” is an indictment of society, not a cheap shot at the blind.

What would be done differently today?

Most of this issue wouldn’t exist today, but I think the structure could hold up: Some big stories about current events, some Area Man stories, and some one-liners.

Also, would this horoscope still be a throwaway joke in 2022, or would it spark angry Twitter debates?

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

For the last time: Yes, there is a parasitic life form growing in some sort of pod deep inside your body, but this is perfectly normal for a pregnant woman.

Thank you

Once again, I feel like I barely talked about some of these stories, but there’s so much to cover!

See you next week, where The Onion jumps ahead to George W. Bush’s endgame, plus a “Top Gun” column and more jokes about Conan and temp workers.

1. The Romero Foundation For Zombie Health is a lovely nod to filmmaker George Romero.

2. Jack Welch relinquished most of those perks about 1 week before this The Onion issue.

3. The internet really unlocked the potential for ironic shirts, with early entrants like College Humor’s BustedTees starting up about 2 years after this article.