20 years ago, The Onion pivoted from 9/11 to Iraq
It's 1 year since 9/11, but we're also here to talk about the 1960s show "The Prisoner," Christina Ricci, CEOs firing people and Southwest's $39 flights.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Sept. 11, 2002.
This issue published 1 year after 9/11, when we’re also entering the Iraq War era. I’m curious — and concerned — about how funny the upcoming Iraq or George W. Bush stories will be. But for now, let’s revist a time where 9/11 was still fresh, but we were also starting to move forward.
As always, thanks for being here and opening the emails! If you’re new, please sign up!
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 33, the 116th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.
“Bush Won't Stop Asking Cheney If We Can Invade Yet” is not actually on today’s Issue 33 webpage, although it’s on the website elsewhere.
The headlines “Animal Has Animal-Print Covering” and “Fake Leg Urinated Down” are no longer online. Both headlines really put visuals in your mind.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Bush Won't Stop Asking Cheney If We Can Invade Yet” isn’t the 1st story The Onion wrote about invading Iraq, but it might be the turning point where 9/11 becomes the past while Iraq becomes the present and future.
The Onion follows the early-2000s narrative that Vice President Dick Cheney is the real president and decision-maker. Cheney’s working overtime to find rationales for invasion, plant friendly articles in the media and bait Saddam Hussein into a mistake, but he can’t focus with Bush hounding him.
"George is calling me, he's following me around in the halls, he's leaving notes on my desk reminding me to let him know if I hear 'any news,'" Cheney said. "He just will not sit still. I actually have a permanent red mark on my shoulder on the spot where he comes up and taps me."
"'Hey, Dick, is it time yet?'" said Cheney, adopting a Texas drawl in imitation of the president. "'Hey, Dick, can we invade yet?'"
Bush is pestering Cheney (and Donald Rumsfeld and Condoleezza Rice) in person and through memos, emails and voicemails. He’s literally using all communication channels available to him!
The tone of this article is interesting — like, it’s an exasperated Cheney trying to be a professional invader, but the golden retriever president just wants to hop the fence and frolic in Iraq. To me, at least, it feels less pro-war/anti-war and more like, “Well, I guess this is happening.”
I can’t speak for The Onion’s mindset, but much of the public debate 21 years ago had this sort of resigned tone. The U.S. was already floating a first-strike option. Bush was (unsuccessfully) courting Russia, China and France's support. Much of the world was treating invasion as a fait accompli, with France, for example, focused on slower paths to war despite not supporting the U.S. strategy.1
Remembering 9/11
The Onion actually published on Sept. 11, 2002, so it split its coverage up between this issue and a week earlier.
“Second Birthday In A Row Ruined By Terrorism” is still a funny story, even if people are more willing to party on 9/11 in 2022. But it’s easy to imagine that people were less excited about bar-hopping in 2002
Hoboken, N.J., resident Rob Bachman, who’s turning 29, is frustrated but understands.
"If I try to have a good time, I look like this shallow, selfish asshole who's oblivious to what's going on in the world," Bachman continued. "Still, Sept. 11 is the only birthday I have, and it'd be nice if I were allowed to have fun."
The lack of birthday festivities extends to his office, despite the prior week’s party for co-worker Matt Quigle.
Bachman’s friends aren’t willing to hang out with him, and even the cards are somber, as seen above, with the handwritten note mentioning “all the crazy stuff going on in the world.”
One of Bachman’s friends says people are worried about an anniversary follow-up attack. That might sound odd now, but the year after 9/11 included months of anthrax anxiety, the shoe-bomber attempt, a dirty bomb plot and more. (Not to mention the lasting psychological effects of terrorist attacks).
Anyways, Bachman expects a lot of bad birthdays.
"It's probably going to be at least 10 years before I can get back to celebrating like a normal person." Bachman said. "Then again, that 10th anniversary of the attacks should be a pretty big deal, too. Fuck."
The Onion’s main infographic was about how people are marking “The 9/11 Anniversary.” I really like these jokes.
Some hearken back to the initial reaction of 9/11 — digging out anti-Bin Laden shirts, thanking the firefighters, well-meaning but unhelpful notes to Muslim neighbors. There’s also a couple great jokes about the way Americans celebrate every holiday — fireworks and dressing up their dogs.
My favorite might be “Bravely defending America’s borders on SOCOM: U.S. Navy Seals for PS2.” Regular readers know I love The Onion’s fascination with PlayStation 2.
The SOCOM joke makes fun of people “fighting” from their couches, yes, but it’s also proof of how big video games were becoming 20 years ago. That’s not a bad thing! But when something’s that popular, The Onion has to make fun of it.
The front-page infographic “Least Successful U.S. Charities” begins with “9/11 Hijackers Fund,” which is an easy but cathartic joke.
I like most of these jokes — they are silly but mostly fun plays on existing charities. “March of Dykes,” as seen in the illustration, is … not as beloved 20 years later.
Area People doing Area Things
Despite the focus on the 9/11 anniversary and Iraq, there were many funny “local” jokes in this week’s issue. The Onion is in peak form, commenting on important real-life news while still doing that local newspaper schtick.
“Man Knows Just What He'd Say If He Met Christina Ricci” is about Pittsburgh liquor-store clerk Rick Hazell, who is a superfan of Ricci. He claims to have seen every one of her movies, and I believe him, because I haven’t even heard of some of these.
I’m immediately concerned that Hazell is 29 and Ricci was 22 — less about the current age gap but about Hazell being a longtime fan. The Onion does a good/creepy job in slowly revealing the problem. At first, Hazell sounds mostly like a film nerd, and so he’s happened to see Ricci in many films. And Hazell does discuss the films, including Ricci’s strong acting in scenes with Cher.
But then the veil starts to slip:
"I definitely wouldn't be all creepy and tell her I've thought she was hot ever since the second Addams Family movie," Hazell said. "In fact, I'd avoid telling her she was hot at all. I'd be much more subtle about it."
Announcing you’re going to be subtle is rarely the subtle move!
Neither is saying you won’t stalk her but have thought about how you might meet.
The bottom line is, you can't artificially manufacture these things. When it happens, it happens. And it'll be great."
I don’t think there’s anything wrong, per se, with this article, but so many people (celebrities perhaps more) have creeps invading their lives. This feels like a cautionary tale rather than a fun laugh. But maybe I’m reading too much into it.
More fun is “8-Year-Old Can't Understand Why He Isn't Allowed On Roof,” which I completely understand. Roofs were very exciting as a kid, especially because you weren’t supposed to be up there.
Dylan Rieder isn’t completely reckless. He knows not to touch telephone poles or wires. Rieder is also a skillful negotiator, explaining that he could retrieve balls stuck on the roof, clean out the “leavesdrops” and inspect the chimney.
Rieder also uses data that may or may not be relevant — he’s like a 21st-century Twitter thread writer!
"People can get killed in a car accident a hundred times more easy than they can on a roof," Rieder said. "Or they can eat poison by accident or get a disease or get bit by a dog and get rabies. So I should get to go on the roof, 'cause it would be a lot safer than that."
Rieder considers sneaking onto the roof via a tree — the 4th extending branch, to be precise — but his mom would be able to spot him from the kitchen window.
I really enjoy this. What a joy to have these types of problems!
Other Area People stories include:
“Man Has Mixed Feelings About $39 Flight”: I miss the $39 Southwest flights, especially when I had absolutely no money but needed to travel. I’m more curious about this guy buying his Southwest ticket on Travelocity — Southwest generally doesn’t allow sales outside its website, and it canceled a Travelocity deal in 2001.
“Senate Softball Team Loses Against Local Bar” is a tremendously D.C. story, as not only does D.C. host the annual congressional softball game, but there are many rec leagues featuring local businesses. The Senate team has a bipartisan roster, although Democratic Sen. Barbara Mikulski is blamed for poor defense.
“Balloon Deliveryman Forced To Take Bus” is a wonderful story to imagine. “You haven't lived until you've sat on a jam-packed crosstown bus for 40 minutes holding an 18-balloon Birthday Bouquet while dressed in full Zorro regalia.”
“Taco Bell Employee Somehow Dressed Down By Manager”: Poor Wayne Lorimer — laid off by Ford, now scolded by a kid possibly just out of high school.
“Something Weird About Local Anchorman's Eyes”: This is a classic joke about parasocial busybodies who have time to overanalyze people they watch on TV.
“Supreme Court Cock-Blocks Iowa Man” is fun, but I really wish we learned who dissented in this 8-1 decision preventing Jon Carmody from hooking up with fellow bar patron Megan Navarre. The majority opinion is written by Antonin Scalia, who asserts the court’s right (collectively?) to hit on Navarre.
The front page also has the headline/photo combinations “Laptop Guy At Coffee Shop Nine Times Out Of Ten,” which still feels relevant, and “Michelin Introduces Tires For Women,” which does not feel relevant.
What columnists ran?
“You Call That Groveling?” is written by a CEO laying off a longtime employee — and not only that, extremely disappointed in this employee’s lack of begging.
This CEO has high standards! You can get laid off despite exemplary work and mocked on your way out the door:
Maybe it would help if I filled you in on some of the details of your dismissal. Perhaps if you knew the stupidity, shortsightedness, and injustice of it all, you'd whip up the sort of fire and passion I'm looking for. Did you know that we—not "you-and-me we," but "me-and-the-company-you-used-to-work-for-until-five-minutes-ago we"—are on track to make record profits this year? Absolutely true, and it's all thanks to the money we're saving by letting 30 percent of our senior middle management go. You know, the loyal foot soldiers, the would-be lifers.
Doesn't that get your blood in a boil?
There’s a lot of understandable anger at employers these days, but rarely does mockery take place in their voice, laying bare the greed and selfishness.
The CEO continues to toy with Denison, the laid-off employee, saying that another employee did a much better job groveling (and still didn’t get his job back). Finally, the CEO kicks Denison out of his office.
There’s no shortage of satire against rich corporations, but The Onion successfully tackles this well-worn subject from a new angle.
Our other columnist is Larry Groznic with “I Regret To Say Your Wedding Falls Square In The Middle Of The Prisoner Marathon,” which references the 1967 show “The Prisoner,” which was already 35 years old in 2002. I was trying to think of the 2022 equivalent — skipping a wedding for a marathon of “21 Jump Street”?
Now, I’m all for not going to weddings because you think the couple is a trainwreck, but it’s a bit much to skip because of a TV show. But credit to this man for immediately gaslighting the couple.
Sure, he’s blowing off their wedding and might lose their friendship, but aren’t they the real villains?
I do not mean to liken you to the sinister yet mysterious entity that abducted The Prisoner. But I must wonder what would motivate a man to tie the knot during the very weekend when the Sci-Fi Channel is broadcasting the complete 17-episode run, including the alternate version of "The Chimes Of Big Ben" and a special "making-of" documentary featuring a rare interview with the reclusive Patrick McGoohan himself.
As this column progresses, we learn that the real beef is with the groom, who is supposedly a “Prisoner” superfan who has designed webpages and converted 1970s video formats to VHS as part of his devotion to the show — but then scheduled his wedding during a marathon. But, of course, the bride also bears blame:
I suppose, Neil, I should have known something was amiss when you failed to denounce The Simpsons' abysmal Prisoner-inspired episode back in the fall of 2000 on the alt.sci-fi.prisoner message board. It was left to lesser lights like TheSuprvisr, BCINGU, Nadia, and Muscatis1 to condemn its painfully forced scenario and glaring inaccuracies (koalas on the Village grounds?!?). That was around the time you began dating Beth, was it not?
God, this is a nerdy article, but it’s fantastic. So much spite generated over nostalgic love of an ancient TV show. And Larry Groznic isn’t technically a regular Onion columnist, but he’s got quite an archive of petty pop-culture grievances.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Capricorn, mostly because of the randomness of it (and it’s about a year before Liza Minnelli started showing up on “Arrested Development.”)
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your shock and horror will be only partially offset by the prospect of great wealth when Liza Minnelli adopts you.
What holds up best?
I think there are a few good answers to this question. I like “Second Birthday In A Row Ruined By Terrorism” and “Laptop Guy At Coffee Shop Nine Times Out Of Ten” best, but those are just the ones the resonate most with me.
What holds up worst?
There are a few jokes that don’t sit well 20 years later, but I’m going to go with “Legalizing Pot In Canada,” which immediately became irrelevant because Canada did not legalize marijuana in 2002.
What would be done differently today?
Perhaps The Onion would have been more aggressively antiwar, but it’s not like they were cheerleading the invasion in 2002. The challenge was to be funny, not just be Salon or an angry 2002 blogger.
“I Regret To Say Your Wedding Falls Square In The Middle Of The Prisoner Marathon” could be rewritten any number of ways today — say, about “Stranger Things” or “House of the Dragon” or something more absurd, like the “Joe Millionaire” reboot.
Thank you
A year ago, I was prepping for my writeup of the 9/11 issue, which was a big motivator in starting this newsletter. Now, a year later, I’m still enjoying revisiting history and sharing the fun moments with y’all.
See you next week, where we see what Al-Qaeda’s up to, look at the War on West Nile and get a mention of “Charles in Charge.”
As an example of the discourse The Onion might have been reacting to, The New York Times on Sept. 6, 2002, ran accompanying op-eds on the risks of a Vietnam-style disaster and Sen. John Kerry’s call for war as a last resort.
I'm a little late to the game on this one, but I'm the Rick Hazell in that Christina Ricci story. My birthday is Sept 15 and I emailed The Onion a month before asking them if they'd use my name for an article. A month later this came out. It's not my picture though. End of story.