20 years ago, The Onion mocked our elections
Rediscover The Onion's online-only election commentary, plus Spain's war on bulls, the middle class, workout routines, the Boston Red Sox, and Jean Teasdale.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 3, 2004.
The print issue is jam-packed with election coverage and other commentary. We’ve even got some web-only jokes from The Onion — a rarity in 2004. Let’s dig into it.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 44, the 216th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The image above comes from The Onion’s 2009 collection of front pages from 1988-2008.1
The front-page headlines “Candidates Launch 2008 Presidential Campaigns” and “Dinner, Theater Overdone” are no longer online. I like both of these jokes.
In 2017, the “candidates” joke kind of happened, with President Donald Trump getting sworn in and filing with the FEC on the same day.2
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I remember the 2004 election being full of uncertainty. No one wanted a repeat of the chaos and court fights of 2000, and yet, no one could be sure that the vote-counting would go more smoothly. There were fears of terrorism,3 fears of voting machines not working properly, fears of cyberattacks, fears of voter suppression and more.
As if that weren’t enough, 2004 also saw Americans grappling with the after-effects of 9/11, wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and a shaky economy. This was an unhappy moment in American history.
The Onion’s coverage reflects this turmoil. Just last week, the top item was “Countdown To The Recount,” which was barely parody. This week, “U.S. Inspires World With Attempt At Democratic Election” tries to find the humor in this dysfunction.
Adding to the difficulty was The Onion’s timing. The Nov. 3, 2004, issue published after the election but was printed before the vote. As such, none of these jokes can comment on the results.
Because of that, The Onion broke tradition and updated its website on Nov. 4. We’ll start with the print edition coverage (e.g., what’s documented in the anthology “Embedded in America”) and then look at the online updates.
The Onion’s Election Day preview
“U.S. Inspires World With Attempt At Democratic Election” imagines that the United Nations and the Organization for Security and Cooperation are sending election observers to the U.S. as if it’s a failed democracy struggling to hold a vote. The Onion isn’t really making jokes; it’s just stating real-life problems:
In the weeks leading up to the election, both of America’s political parties alleged fraud in voter registration. Additionally, experts debated the reliability of electronic voting machines, which experienced problems in trial runs and leave no paper trail. Election officials also bemoaned many states’ use of outdated punchcard machines.
Considering such disputes, Salman said he was “touched and gladdened” that voter turnout for the U.S. election nearly approached voter-turnout rates for Afghanistan’s first popular elections in October, when 69 percent of citizens cast ballots.
It goes from there, with North Korea, of all places, sending observers to learn how our Electoral College works.
With The Onion unable to discuss the election results, it focused on infographics rather than satirical articles. “Election Opinion Polls” looks at the uptick in last-minute phone-based polling. These jokes are fine — several build off GOP talking points around terrorism and abortion.
“With which candidate would you most like to go on a cross-country crime spree?” is a great alternative to the “candidate you’d like to have a beer with” cliche.
Wyoming gets mentioned for at least the 5th time in 2004.4
The front page, meanwhile, featured the infographic “What Does The Presidential Runner-Up Receive?” I like these jokes, although the DVD joke feels incredibly old.
“Right to finally take off tie” is barely a joke, with CNN lavishing attention on President Barack Obama going sans tie after leaving office in 2017.
“Gets to not have to be president” emphasizes a long-running Onion point of view, most eloquently stated in 2008’s “Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job.”
Other election coverage included:
“$14.5 Billion Pledged To Rebuild Battleground States”: Sort of a nod to The Onion’s 2000 election coverage, especially the article “Nation Plunges Into Chaos.”
“Nader Supporters Blame Electoral Defeat On Bush, Kerry”: Generic, but at least a twist on Democrats blaming Ralph Nader for George W. Bush’s victory in 2000.
“Millions Of Work Hours Lost To Voting”: The Onion liked using Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao (along with HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson) as a random Cabinet member during Bush’s 1st term.
The Onion’s reaction to Election Day
In 2004, The Onion’s website was still, almost without exception, a replica of the newspaper. The 2 major exceptions I’m aware of are former President Ronald Reagan’s death in June 2004 and an Election Guide that was featured on the homepage starting in August 2004.
On Nov. 4, 2004, The Onion made a 3rd exception, updating its front page with several headline-only jokes:
“America Comes Out Agin The Gay Marryin’”
“Bush Does Victory Lap Around World Trade Center Site”
“MoveOn CurlsUp InCorner”
“Poll: Youth Totally Meant To Vote In Record Numbers”
“Despite Republican Victory, Bush Supporter Has Tiny, Tiny Penis”
There were also 2 headlines with photos — the Kerry one is the only one still online in 2024:
“God Puts His Tool Back Into Office”
These jokes remained online for several years before being purged, circa 2011, when an Onion website redesign eliminated anything without a permalink (e.g., headline-only jokes).
If you don’t remember these jokes, that’s because they’re mostly insults drafted out of frustration. And they don’t really sound like The Onion, in my opinion.
That said, the MoveOn headline received coverage from The Associated Press a couple weeks later. And “Poll: Youth Totally Meant To Vote In Record Numbers” has stuck in people’s heads, getting cited in a tweet as recently as Oct. 19, 2024.
RIP, the middle class
In some ways, the most politically pointed article in this issue is National Museum Of The Middle Class Opens In Schaumburg, IL.” I didn’t remember this article, but I always like The Onion inventing organizations, think tanks or museums.
The twist is that the middle class is extinct:
“The splendid and intriguing middle class may be gone, but it will never be forgotten,” said Harold Greeley,5 curator of the exhibit titled “Where The Streets Had Trees’ Names.” “From their weekend barbecues at homes with backyards to their outdated belief in social mobility, the middle class will forever be remembered as an important part of American history.”
When I say “extinct,” The Onion doesn’t mean that formerly middle-class people are poorer or richer. They’ve died out, like the passenger pigeon6 or the dodo:
One of the 15 permanent exhibits, titled “Working For ’The Weekend,’” examines the routines of middle-class wage-earners, who labored for roughly eight hours a day, five days a week. In return, they were afforded leisure time on Saturdays and Sundays. According to many anthropologists, these “weekends” were often spent taking “day trips,” eating at chain family restaurants, or watching “baseball” with the nuclear family.
The Onion also critiques changes in American schools, with a bit of post-Columbine realities included:
“They expect us to believe this is how people lived 10 years ago?” Chavez asked. “That ’Safe, Decent Public Schools’ part was total science fiction. No metal detectors, no cops or dogs, and whole classes devoted to art and music? Look, I may have flunked a couple grades, but I’m not that stupid.”
Apparently, the death of the middle class also meant the death of “Tuna Helper, the Capri Sun, and the cookie dough in tubes. Oh, and the 2-percent milk and reduced-cholesterol butter spread!”
A few observations:
Schaumburg is a Chicago suburb and the subejct of many Onion stories, including:
1996’s “Area Consumers Consume Area” places the Consumer Confidence Conference in Schaumburg.
1997’s “Suburban Parade Of Homes Marred By Rotting Ox On Lawn.”7
1999’s “Schaumburg Man Dimly Aware Of Shadowy, Non-Schaumburg World Out There.”
Harold Greeley could certainly be a nod to Horace Greeley, while the Booker T. Washington reference feels deliberate.
Kerry accused Bush of presiding over a shrinking middle class. Relatedly, median U.S. household income declined in 2004.
The Ford Foundation funds this museum. For decades, the Ford family distanced itself from the foundation because of its too-liberal approach.
The Red Sox break the curse
In 2024, Boston has an insufferable fan base that acts like underdogs despite winning 13 titles in the 21st century. But in 2004, the Boston Red Sox really were special, breaking an 86-year World Series drought.
“Red Sox Break Curse” features jokes about Babe Ruth, Adam and Eve, and The Onion criticizing the U.S. military for losing wars for the 2nd time in 3 weeks. My favorite is this Boston fan:
"I've been rooting for the Sox for the past 20 years, but I finally gave up hope on them this season. I was expecting them to lose, so they managed to let me down again."
Bryan Warren | Civil Engineer
Unfortunately, today’s website is missing the headshots and cuts off some answers. The 2004 version has all the details.
Area People doing Area Things
“Workout Routine Broken Down For Coworker” feels just as relevant today, what with fitness influencers, Peloton and other workout fads.
The premise here is simple: A male employee mistakes a female colleague’s casual question as an invitation to deliver a long, detailed monologue:
Kim said that, in asking Vanderbilt whether he belonged to a gym, she had neither sought nor expected a meticulous account of his lifting regimen.
“It’s all about DPP: discipline, persistence, and patience,” Vanderbilt said, watching the muscles in his forearm move as he worked his wrist back and forth. “I do six or eight reps for each exercise, unless I’m increasing the weight. In that case, I decrease the reps. No cheat reps. No ’one rep max.’ A lot of the younger guys are doing ’one rep max’ for quick gain, but they’re playing with fire.”
The guy also discusses stretching, meals, vitamins and supplements, and water consumption.
Many editors and writers will warn you against overuse of adjectives or adverbs. One of my clients’ style guides says, simply, “Don’t use them.” And they have a point! But rules are made to be broken, and the “Eternal” in “Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls” is a brilliant adjective that adds a quasi-religious tenor to this unusual war on terror.
Also remarkable is The Onion running this story less than 8 months after the bombings in Spain that killed 200 people. In The Onion’s world, Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Zapatero is much more worried about evil bulls.
The article clearly satirizes the post-9/11, “War on Terror” era, which makes it a bit dated now. But I still love this silliness:
A green flag waved by the president indicates a low risk of bull attack. Magenta and gold capes, when worn by footmen, peones, or capeadores, indicate an elevated threat level. A colorful ring of banderilla around the bull’s neck indicates a high threat level. In the case of a severe threat, a red flag is waved, and a bull attack is imminent.
“We can’t afford to lose the war on bulls,” Zapatero said. “When bulls unleash their brand of chaos, they leave massive destruction in their paths, as the tragic events of July 7 in Pamplona have proven time and again for the last 400 years.”
Like Bush in Iraq, Spain is relying on an alliance of like-minded nations:
Military officials have been careful to state that it could take years or even decades to eradicate the menace of the bulls. They plan to enlist the help of other nations in the fight, by recruiting bullfighting specialists from Mexico and Argentina.
Other Area People items include:
“Drug Paraphernalia Visible In Photo Of Missing Cat”: Every word advances the joke. Brilliant.
“Shy Friend Experimenting With Personality” feels like introvert memes I see online. I love this quote from a friend:
“One day she’s, like, expounding on the modern ramifications of the Civil War, and the next, she’s dancing on tables at Noonan’s during Happy Hour.”
“Recurring Zhang Ziyi Fantasy Always Involves Getting Kicked In The Face”: This joke works better if you remember her from “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” Our protagonist likes her robe outfit in “Hero,” too.
“Loft Apartments Converted To Mayonnaise Factory”: Funnily enough, cities in 2024 are rushing to convert commercial space into housing.
What columnists ran?
“I Don't Like The Person You Become When You're On The Jumbotron” is a twist on the trope of someone confronting their romantic partner about their behavior while drinking.
Dave is a Seattle Seahawks fan who attends games and loves the attention. This is a problem for his romantic partner, Leslie Puig:
I never said you control the cameraman, but once he chooses you, you are responsible for your actions. Wouldn’t a grin and a wave do the job? Couldn’t you just hold up a team pennant? Even a tasteful sign? I think the Seahawks would prefer the image of a well-mannered fan to some screaming guy who pulls up his shirt to flash a pair of chalky-white man-breasts planted with sprigs of chest hair and nipples the size of saucers. What’s “fun” or “funny” about that, Dave?
To be fair, Leslie isn’t anti-Jumbotron; she’s also upset that Dave kept her from being part of the action:
Not only did you prevent me from raising a finger into the air and shouting, “We’re No. 1!” but you also jabbed me in the eye with your elbow and sent my pretzel nuggets flying.
Dave also poured a beer on his own head during a Seattle Mariners game at the Kingdome in 1996 — which real-life fans have done.
This column has aged surprisingly well because the Seahawks fan base has become renowned as the 12th man, or 12s.
Also, Jean Teasdale is back with “Walking On Empty,” where she’s doing a charity walk for diabetes, which she was recently diagnosed with. Unfortunately, she’s struggling to get pledges.
Fortunately, Teasdale gets a local tavern to sponsor her, but on race day, they give her a risque, too-tight T-shirt to wear.
Things get worse from there. She nearly passes out, veers off-course, finishes nearly an hour after everyone else, and forgot to register, so she can’t even collect her pledges. This is a sad column, even for Jean Teasdale:
I guess I could write a big fat check for $37.50 and send it to the American Diabetes Society, but they’d probably ask a bunch of questions. I mean, if they’re going to be so picky about rules, how can they be a productive charity? Well, I know that I finished that walk fair and square. So, who’s the loser here, the American Diabetes Society or me? (Don’t actually e-mail me with the answer. That was a rhetorical question.)
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week was Scorpio, mostly because I’ve been playing “Red Dead Redemption 2” again and this reminded me of it:
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
The old saw "There's snow on the roof, but there's a fire in the furnace"8 will suit you well this week, when you're transformed into a cabin in the Laramie range.
Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2004 archive has a better view.
What holds up best?
“Drug Paraphernalia Visible In Photo Of Missing Cat” is a personal favorite of mine, but there are many other strong jokes in this issue.
What holds up worst?
The one-liners posted online a day or two after the election feel perfunctory — like The Onion had to comment on the election.
What would be done differently today?
Thankfully, The Onion can post as much as they like before, on and after Election Day.
In this case, abundance is a good thing — publishing a Wednesday paper when Election Day is on Tuesday is a tough thing to do.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter! I hope you’re enjoying this newsletter and rediscovering some gems!
We’ll be back next week to talk about the election aftermatch, Larry Groznic’s issues with “Weird Al” Yankovic’s Wikipedia entry, and much more.
I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.
This was mostly a formality, as Trump raised enough money to trigger a filing requirement.
Osama Bin Laden put out a videotape a few days before the election.
The 1st mention since September 2004’s “Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker.”
Ironically, when I googled Harold Greeley, I got the very un-middle class book “Law For Yatchsmen.”
Although … scientists are hoping to revive this species!
The Onion has long listed this as Oct. 14, 2003, but it’s definitely from Vol. 32, Issue 11, printed in 1997.
Here’s a great deep dive into this quote’s history.