20 years ago, The Onion said the U.S. lost the Iraq War
Let's revisit Bill O'Reilly, Jacques Derrida, the furor over stem-cell research and our old friend Herbert Kornfeld.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 20, 2004.
Today, we’ll revisit the 2004 presidential campaign and the war in Iraq.1 Perhaps most importantly, we’ll check in with Onion columnist Herbert Kornfeld, the toughest accounts receivable supervisor you ever met.
A couple of other updates:
Last month, I reviewed The Onion’s special DNC print edition and noted how many articles were not online. But this week, The Onion published most or all of those items — tagging them with the issue number and as “former print exclusives.”
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 42, the 214th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page image is from the 2005 book “Embedded in America,”2 showcasing The Onion’s print work from late 2003 to late 2004.
The front-page headlines “Drummer Unwanted” and “Jacques Derrida 'Dies’” are no longer online. The French philosopher died on Oct. 9, 2004, and this headline has been cited many times over the years, including by bloggers, old-school listservs and a Steven Pinker book.3
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“U.S. Finishes A 'Strong Second' In Iraq War” has fascinated me for months because of how downcast it is. I guess I’m not surprised: The Onion essentially predicted the Iraq War in March 2002 and consistently criticized the Bush administration’s actions.
Does this headline hold up 20 years later? Kind of? The Onion correctly rejects the idea that military force alone could fix Iraq. And fighting would continue — we’re still 2 years away from the “surge,” after all.
On the other hand, it feels weird to say the U.S. lost, as if the troops were surrendering cities. The headline feels better suited for the ISIS onslaught around 2014 or for the U.S. exit from Vietnam, which The Onion covered with “U.S. Loses Vietnam War; Ford Urges All Americans to Salute Our Vietcong Rules” in the book “Our Dumb Century.”
But maybe none of this matters because the satire is pretty fun. The Onion reimagines the U.S. government as a losing football team trying to explain a crushing defeat. Sports are often discussed like warfare; The Onion flips the script here.
As U.S. Gen. George W. Casey explains:
“In spite of jumping out to an early lead and having the better-trained, better-equipped team, I’m afraid we still came up short in the end,” Casey said. “Sometimes, the underdog just pulls one out on you. But there’s no reason for the guys who were out in the field to feel any shame over this one. They played through pain and injury and never questioned the strategy, even when we started losing ground.”
“The troops were great out there,” Casey continued. “It’s not their fault the guys with the clipboards just couldn’t put this one away.”
The U.S. sets many records, including “yardage gained,” but is criticized for “playing not to lose.” One soldier rips President George W. Bush for declaring “Mission Accomplished” at halftime. The Onion goes even further, suggesting the U.S. has coasted on its laurels since World War II:
Loyal fans of the U.S. are still coming to terms with the loss, a rarity for an organization that won undisputed world championships in the ’10s and ’40s, but has not always played its best on hostile ground in recent years.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, ever unapologetic, argues that “Monday-morning quarterbacking never solved anything.”
The Onion is deadly serious in its criticism, which might not be for you, but the writing shines.
The 2004 campaign and other politics
“Kerry: Stem-Cell Research May Hold Cure To Ailing Campaign” reminds us that stem-cell research was a huge political issue in the early 2000s. I went to a Jesuit college and read a lot about stem cells in ethics and philosophy classes (I’ve forgotten nearly all of it, sadly).
In summer 2004, Democrats came out swinging for stem-cell research, led by Sen. John Kerry. The twist here is that he only supports stem cells because they’re a good campaign issue:
“For too long, President Bush has curtailed science on ideological grounds, for his own political purposes,” Kerry said. “I pledge to support science on rational grounds, for my own political purposes. Stem-cell research could improve the lives of hundreds of millions of Americans, and the issue could dramatically increase my popularity. We must push the boundaries of scientific exploration now, before Nov. 2.”
I didn’t remember this story hewing so closely to real-life events. For example:
The Onion notes the growing public support for stem-cell research after the DNC speech by Ronald Reagan Jr. and the death of Christopher Reeve.
The Onion quotes real-life Democratic strategist Stanley Greenberg as saying stem cells are an important swing-voter issue.
The fictional Greenburg claims that “nearly 80 percent of voters support stem-cell research,” which only slightly exaggerates real-life polling.4
Ultimately, this is a generic story about a presidential candidate, and that’s OK! If anything, I love how The Onion depicts Sen. John Edwards. Last week, we had a deranged Edwards stump speech. This week, he equates living under Bush to having cancer:
“Scientific exploration in this field holds immense promise for the millions of Americans who are afflicted with genetic diseases or are members of the Democratic party,” Edwards said. “Stem-cell research may be the last, best hope for those suffering under diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and the Bush administration.”
“Battleground States” is an infographic of state-based stereotypes. Some are long-standing, like Pennsylvania’s love of cheesesteaks. Others are more topical, like the Minnesota reference to former Gov. Jesse Ventura or the Colorado reference to the failed 2002 ballot initiative that would have all but banned bilingual education.
My favorite is “Michigan: $5,000-per-lake tax credit.”
Other political items in this issue include:
“Nader Polling At 8 Percent Among Past Supporters”: The Onion has fully turned against Nader:
“Nader said that 230,000 votes, while nowhere near enough to win, might be sufficient to muck up another election.”5
“Millions Of American Lips Called To Service In Fight Against Poverty”: The headline tells it all. Also, I forgot that John Snow was Treasury Secretary.
Area People doing Area Things
“Recently Married Man Ready To Start Dating Again” is on The Onion’s website today but is missing the photo seen in the 2004 print edition and web version.6
Alabama attorney Robert Diehl has been married for 14 months, which is too long to avoid women who aren’t his wife:
Diehl said his wife’s recent decision to travel to Atlanta led him to ask himself what he was waiting for.
“I have two choices—either ask that cute girl from my gym for a date, or sit at home feeling sorry for myself while Karen’s out of town on business next weekend,” Diehl said. “I’m through with wallowing in my own misery.”
Much like in July 2004’s “Divorced Branding Exec Generates Buzz Before Getting Back Out There,” the protagonist’s male buddies are excited about their friend getting back out there with new women.
The article is pretty straightforward, presenting Diehl as a mature cheater who’s no longer trying to sleep with every woman:
“The best course of action is to take this thing one mistress at a time.”
Love makes us do strange things, like carefully cheating on our wives or refusing to kill an underperforming business unit, as we learn in “CEO Doesn't Have Heart To Kill Plastics Division.”
Sunford Industries CEO Preston Johnson knows that the plastics division is declining and unprofitable. The products it makes are much like what you’d buy in an Office Depot or Staples, but those aren’t in vogue anymore.
Johnson’s never hesitated to slash jobs or costs before. But plastics … it’s not the same.
Patting the side of an injection-molding machine, Johnson said he couldn’t help reflecting on “the early days with plastics.”
“I used to look forward to my Friday walk-throughs of the die-molding department all week,” Johnson said. “As soon as you opened the door, the smell of hot plastic would hit you—right in the chest. It was so… familiar. I can’t flip a switch and wipe out all those memories.”
Johnson plans to slowly wind down the plastics business, to “let the division die naturally, with dignity.” But the board chair has a different idea:
“Johnson simply has to let go,” Evans said. “The division’s time has come. I keep telling him, ’Do it quickly, with a single memo to the head of the division. That’s the most humane way.’”
I love discovering these kinds of jokes 20 years later. This is so silly, yet strangely poignant.
Other Area People items include:
“Enterprising Child Saves $54 To Buy Barrel Of Oil”: This was a high price for oil in 2004! Also, I loved this headline 20 years ago. Might have been one of my AIM away messages. What a great photo, too!
“Zoo Orangutan Feels He Really Connected With Iowa Woman”: Poor orangutan!
“Tibetan Teen Getting Into Western Philosophy”: This is a clever twist. I love the ending, too:
“Hsu said he hopes to one day make an exodus to north London to visit the birthplace of John Stuart Mill.”
“Hopes, Dreams Crushed By Panel Of D-List Celebrities”: This is a truly D-list panel, as I’ve never heard of Martika or Alan Hunter. At least Mario Lopez has graduated to C-list?
“Everyone On Campus Afraid Of That One Bar”: This is fun, with one particularly sharp description:
“K-Dee’s leather-jacketed bartender, a 67-year-old with a leg brace …”
“Bill O'Reilly Sex Scandal”: This lawsuit was quietly settled but re-emerged in 2017 alongside several other settlements — and quickly led to his departure from Fox News. This quote is technically accurate, as she never worked in TV news again:
“Whether Andrea Mackris’ claims are true or false, one thing is certain—that woman is never working for the vast right-wing conspiracy again.”
Curtis Fletcher • Systems Analyst
Were the infographics good?
“What Are We Running Away From?” is a great topic for an infographic/poll.
“Cable bill,” “Participatory democracy” and “Don’t know” could still run today. And admittedly, “Parents in square-dancing outfits” feels very worthy of fleeing.
What columnists ran?
“We Should Get That Guy Who Does A Half-Assed Job To Fix Our Roof” is about a man who, for some reason, wants to hire the construction guy who’s built a reputation for being terrible with everyone they know.
Don Maliszewski built a porch deck that collapsed, a sewer pipe that flooded the basement, light switches that caused a fire and a fence that blew down in a storm. He even misspells his name on promotional magnets!
I won’t spoil what happens with Don, but I will share this delightfully archaic reference:
Honey, no. I don’t trust the Yellow Pages. You don’t know anything about those guys. “Licensed and bonded”—what does that even mean? Who licenses them, and what is a bond, in this case? Honey, a guy in the phone book is likely to tell you anything to get your money.
I had a phone book as late as 2005 or 2006 in my 1st apartment after college. So many analog things have survived as niches — landlines, fax machines, vinyl records, paper notebooks. But phone books? Feels like a century since we used them.
Our other column is “A Day Off? Sheeit” by the late Herbert Kornfeld of Midstate Office Supply. I once described Kornfeld as a proto-Michael Scott, as “both are white guys wishing they were part of black culture. But there’s also an unusual dedication to office supply superiority.”
The last time we saw Kornfeld, in “Sob Sistah,” he was demanding that everyone stop asking him about the long-ago disappearance of his sister. Here, the problem is much more trivial — Kornfeld must use his personal days by Dec. 31!
Kornfeld refuses, even when HR orders him to take a day off, because that’s not how Accounts Receivables rolls. But then:
Next mornin’, I got up when it was still dark and took tha 4:52 express bus 2 Midstate. Got there so early, not a sucka in sight. I slipped my keycard into tha electric lock on tha front doe. Tha magnetic strip don’t read. Dag. Luckenbill musta blocked my keycard foe tha day. Muhfukka know tha H-Dog’s ways too well. Y’all gots 2 recognize that. I bowed 2 Midstate in deep respect an’ hustled back 2 my hood.
This is a weird column, even for Kornfeld, who has no idea what to do on an off-day. I won’t spoil too much, but just know that he pleasures himself to Nancy Grace.
Kornfeld also gets detained briefly for soliciting, although it’s kind of a cross between soliciting sex and trying to do unlicensed accounting.
This is … the darker side of Kornfeld, which is really saying something.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Capricorn because this is a fun visual:
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You'll survive the incident, but for the rest of your life, you'll be paralyzed with fear at the sight of cumulus clouds, blueberry pancakes, and hockey great Bobby Orr.
Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2004 archive has a better view.
What holds up best?
I’ve always loved “Tibetan Teen Getting Into Western Philosophy,” but my favorite discovery this issue was “CEO Doesn't Have Heart To Kill Plastics Division.” Maybe it’s because I once edited a newsletter focused on the plastics industry?
What holds up worst?
This was among my least favorite issues of 2004. But that’s more my problem. 2004 is arguably The Onion’s peak, so I’m setting a very high bar.
Overall, these jokes are solid.
What would be done differently today?
Like last week, the themes feel surprisingly relevant in 2024 — the presidential election, an ongoing war and some fun stories about Area People.
I didn’t remember the Kerry story being so true to real life. We’ll probably look back at some of The Onion’s Biden, Harris and Trump articles the same way in 15-20 years — “was that based on a real thing? Was it entirely made up? It all feels so ridiculous?!?”
I wonder whether “CEO Doesn't Have Heart To Kill Plastics Division” would exist today. The Onion seems less likely to write anything positive about a CEO, plus there are fewer jokes overall about old-school office and industrial job sites than during the 1990s and 2000s.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter! I hope you’re enjoying this newsletter and rediscovering some gems!
If you want even more 2004 nostalgia, check out The Verge’s look back at 2004’s technology, including the rise of Facebook and Gmail and the decline of Blockbuster.
I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.
2002’s “Grad Student Deconstructs Take-Out Menu” is another good Onion article to revisit.
A Harris poll registered 73% support in August 2004.
The Onion wasn’t that far off! Nader received 465,642 votes.
At some point after 2011, The Onion stopped including this article on the archive page for Volume 42, Issue 40.
The roofer one is a favorite, total indifference to every red flag including the contractor not wanting to take jobs anymore.