20 years ago, The Onion mocked Scientology

Let's revisit Tom Cruise's summer of love and faith, "Fear Factor," Iraq, Usher's shirt, Cupid's shooting spree and much more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit May 11, 2005.

This week, The Onion goes after Scientology, plus we’re reminded that Usher is kind of old!

ICMYI:

• Is there an old Onion headline you can’t find? Ask me and I’ll try to find it.

• I shared a few of my favorite ads from last week’s issue.

• I shared some pre-Internet Onion front pages, including one from 1989.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 19, the 241st new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005, 2015 and today.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

The front-page headline “Parallel Universe 'So Much Better,' Says Alternate You” is no longer online except in this Behance page of Onion clips credited to then-Onion writers Diane Bullock and Mike Schuster.

Also not online is “Innovative Products,”² a web-only slideshow that repackages old headlines like 2003’s “Old El Paso Introduces Emergency Taco Kit” and 1997’s “Home Homosexuality Test Now Available.”

What was the top story, and other impressions?

The paperback that has already sold two million copies.

“Report: Scientology Losing Ground To New Fictionology” is not a response to Tom Cruise’s insane summer of jumping on Oprah’s couch and arguing with Matt Lauer — those incidents happened on May 23, 2005, and June 24, 2005, respectively.

But there is a real-life inspiration. While promoting “War of the Worlds” in late April 2005, Cruise touted his Scientology beliefs and his romance with Katie Holmes (more on that later). This was also a few months after Jenna Elfman vowed to “clear the planet” for Scientology.

The movement was on the rise — or at least more demonstrative. In The Onion’s universe,³ however, Scientology has been eclipsed!

“Unlike Scientology, which is based on empirically verifiable scientific tenets, Fictionology’s central principles are essentially fairy tales with no connection to reality,” the AIR report read. “In short, Fictionology offers its followers a mythical belief system free from the cumbersome scientific method to which Scientology is hidebound.”

This article features many of The Onion’s strengths: Fake industry groups (the “American Institute of Religions”), great quotes from Area People, plausible book titles (“Imaginetics:⁴ The New Pipe-Dream Of Modern Mental Make-Believe”) and deep research.

To that last point: This isn’t lazy mockery of religion. Rather, The Onion accepts Scientology’s claim to being science-based but says, that’s not what people want — they want the minimal effort required by Fictionology!

“My personal savior is Batman,” said Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Greg Jurgenson. “My wife chooses to follow the teachings of the Gilmore Girls. Of course, we are still beginners. Some advanced-level Fictionologists have total knowledge of every lifetime they have ever lived for the last 80 trillion years.”

“Sure, it’s total bullshit,” Jurgenson added. “But that’s Fictionology. Praise Batman!”

A recent Fictionology rally in Clearwater, FL.

There’s so much attention to detail:

• The book cover features several silhouettes, including the Enterprise, Godzilla and Mickey Mouse.

• The rally pictured above is in Clearwater, Fla., where Scientology is headquartered.

• One of the recent converts is David McSavage, a barely veiled reference to Scientology leader David Miscavige.

The greatest irony is Scientology’s leaders taking offense at Fictionology’s revenue-generating machine. This closing quote calls back to Elfman’s desire to clear the planet:

“In recruiting new members, Fictionology preys on the gullible with fanciful stories and simple-minded solutions,” Kurz said. “Fictionology is depriving legitimate churches of the revenue they need to carry out charitable works worldwide—important charitable works like clearing the planet of body-thetan implants.”

The Onion addresses real-life people and events

• “Usher To Put Shirt Back On When Usher Ready To Put Shirt Back On”:⁵ Usher’s recent revival has delighted Millennials, and his hit “Yeah!” is a staple during breaks at sporting events alongside AC/DC and Montell Jordan. But sadly, young people don’t know who Usher is! We all get old, y’all.

• “Fear Factor Creator's Will: 'Heirs Must Eat My Ashes To Collect Inheritance’”: I learned today that “Fear Factor” was created by John de Mol, a Dutch billionaire who also created “Big Brother” and “The Voice.” The last line looms larger today:

  • “Comedian Joe Rogan will serve as the will’s executor.”

• “Senators Lured Back To Emergency Session By Promise Of Free Pizza”: Somehow, Sen. Mitch McConnell can control the Senate with little more than the promise of Little Caesar’s pizza and a “Glengarry Glen Ross” viewing.

• “Texas-Cheerleader Crackdown”: The Onion asks people about a Texas bill to ban “overtly sexually suggestive” high-school cheerleading. Interestingly, the bill’s author was the “father of Juneteenth” and was arrested protesting South Africa’s apartheid in the 1980s. Anyways, my favorite response:

  • “See?! See what happens when you bring it on, Kirsten Dunst?!”

    Erik Booth • Systems Analyst

The Onion hadn’t said much about Iraq in spring 2005 but responded to the real-life news of “The New Iraqi Government.”

The irony of “Get a minister of petroleum resources who doesn't blow up all the time” is that Iraq’s interim minister of oil was Ahmed Chalabi, the fraudster and possible Iranian agent whose falsehoods contributed greatly to the U.S. decision to invade.

“Privatize Social Security” is a solid topical reference to this hot-button issue we covered on March 30, while “End 1,500 years of sectarian violence” is a classic Onion joke about any effort to solve intractable Mideast conflicts.

The Onion is (sort of) nice to McDonald’s

Left: The new outlet store. Right: A $1.99 value meal available at the "Not Quite Perfect" McDonald's.

McDonald’s has long been a massive cultural force affecting not just how we eat, but also pioneering movie tie-in merchandising, running rigged prize contests and even being an agent of democracy.

As such, The Onion has never hesitated to rip into McDonald’s, especially with the early 2000s public backlash against fast food. January 2003’s “McDonald's Stock Slides As More Consumers Turn To Food” is just one example.

But “‘Not Quite Perfect' McDonald's Opens In Illinois Outlet Mall” is … somewhat generous?

Yes, it’s still making fun of everything McDonald’s. But this type of mockery, by definition, acknowledges that the real McDonald’s is a well-oiled machine — much like how April 2005’s “Heaven Less Opulent Than Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope” mocks Catholicism yet validates the faith by having the reporter visit Heaven.

But there’s another important layer. This article is set at Gurnee Mills, a gigantic outlet mall of the time. So The Onion is also satirizing these malls’ reputation for discounted, defective and/or less popular products. In that light, putting McDonald’s in an outlet mall is delicious satire because of they have such differing reputations.

Indeed, it’s fun — and concerning — to imagine McDonald’s cutting corners by offering “value”⁶ items such as gray Shamrock Shakes, “bags of unsweetened orange-drink syrup” and 20-cent “firm-serve cones.”

Given that my favorite Onion story ever is "McDonald's Drops 'Hammurderer' Character From Advertising," I’m glad to see those characters mentioned:

The outlet’s PlayPlace features not-quite-perfect McDonaldland icons.

“Parents worry about our ball pit, but those triangular balls meet Illinois minimum-safety requirements,” Landers said. “What we’ve really gotten complaints about are the statues of the McDonaldland characters. Ronald McDonald’s eyes were put in wrong so he’s looking in two different directions, our Grimace is pink, and for some reason, the Hamburglar has no teeth.”

Area People doing Area Things

Police question victims who were attacked by Cupid (below).

“Cupid Shooting Spree Leaves Dozens Infatuated” is a great example of The Onion navigating a difficult subject. Anyone can make a mass-shooting joke, but most won’t be smart or thoughtful, much less funny.

The Onion can do all of that while also framing such absurdity in the officious language of a hard news article:

Dozens of innocent citizens were infatuated Monday, when a winged angel of romantic inspiration—or “Cupid”—drew his magical bow and opened fire on a crowd at Lincoln Park, striking an as-yet-undetermined number of people directly in their hearts during a 13-minute enchanted-arrow shooting spree.

It continues with eyewitness accounts, a police officer’s reaction and a description of “amateur video,” which I guess now would be “video posted to social media”:

Amateur video shot at the scene shows the apple-cheeked cherub firing bolt after heart-tipped bolt into the crowd. Those hit reacted immediately by clasping their hands between their knees, casting their eyes downward, and digging their toes sheepishly in the dirt. In some cases, the victims hid their eyes altogether and grinned vacuously at absolutely nothing.

The Onion also talks to Anna Gardner, a relationship therapist, who calls it “a wonderful shooting,” possibly because she’s under Cupid’s influence, too? She has an admirer who, I guess, is doing the 2005 equivalent of requesting feet pics:

“He also said I have cute toes,” added Gardner. “Such a thing to say! Can you imagine?”

Naasz tries to enjoy his new toothpaste.

“36-Year-Old Still Looking For Ways To Make Brushing Fun” is a nice slice-of-life story about a man who’s perpetually hoping to enliven his personal dental care.

Notably, Mark Naasz is a stereotypical 2000s urbanite — living in San Francsico, shopping at Whole Foods and patronizing Tom’s of Maine:

“Check it out: Tom’s Of Maine fennel-flavored all-natural anti-cavity toothpaste,” said Naasz, pulling the $4.89 item from a Whole Foods bag. “It says here that fennel is an all-natural, herbal breath-freshener that’s been used for centuries. And look: This little snap-lid bottle fits in my jacket pocket, so I’ll probably start brushing my teeth after lunch. I’ve been meaning to get into that habit for years.”

This feels like a story that’s personal to a specific Onion writer. It’s well-researched, with mentions of real products like Enamelon, Mentadent and Aquafresh. I assume there were Pink Panther toothbrushes in the 1970s — perhaps this product is what he’s referencing?

I kind of admire Naasz’s Sisyphean pursuit of happiness:

“Sometimes I’m like, ’What’s wrong with me?’” Naasz said. “No matter what I buy, I have to force myself to brush, and I come away thinking brushing is an everyday duty that has nothing to do with pleasure.”

Other Area People jokes in this issue include:

• “San Francisco Photographer Shits Out Another Bridge Photo”: I love that this appears to be hanging in a hotel room.

• “Joy Sucked Out Of Room By Pumped-Up Manager”: This joke is set at Leo Burnett, the longtime ad agency for McDonald’s. Also, what an opening line!

  • “Man, the country loves this cheddar! The country needs this cheddar!” said Hazelton to his creative team, pumping his fists in the air.

• “Poster Vandal Enters 'Phallus In Mouth' Period”: The Onion acknowledges the debate over graffiti as art while mocking the art world’s tendency to overanalyze.

• “Upper-Middle-Class Man Vows To Never Forget Middle-Class Roots”: This is a ripoff of 2003’s “Millionaire Thinks Of Self As Upper-Middle Class,” right? Or maybe it’s the latest in a series?

Were the infographics good?

“Top Broken Promises” is fun. My favorite is “Iron Maiden forever,” although “To uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States of America” is both funny and ominious.

Worth noting: The Onion quickly fixed the image-cropping issue I raised recently. You can tell a good business by how it responds to customer feedback!

What columnists ran?

“No One Even Heard Of This Company Till I Dragged Us Into A Corporate Scandal” published only a few years after scandals like WorldCom and Enron — but before the many scandals of the global financial crisis.

Our columnist is the fictional Tevcom CEO Darrel Greunwald, who doesn’t believe in bad press. The scandals made this telecommunications company a household name, after all:

Yes Schmidt, a “national telecommunications firm that defrauded investors of billions of dollars through insider trading, falsification of records, and securities fraud.” But we made the front page of every important newspaper in the country! Tevcom! Above the fold! We’re going head to head with a war, and who got the bigger typeface? You can’t buy publicity like that.

Johnson, $5.2 billion isn’t the cost of the publicity. It’s the total we’re going to pay out in fines and legal fees. The publicity is priceless.

This is a deeply cyncial — and accurate — declaration that white-collar crime is often worth the price. One benefit is having parties with Sting:

Those stories about our $7 million Caligula party made us look like total players. Sting’s performance, the Kobe beef appetizer trays in the bathrooms, and the Venus ice sculpture that lactated White Russians? We redefined what people thought about the old, boring telecom industry.

Then, you get a slap on the wrist and can get rich all over again:

And when we get out, we’ll make a king’s ransom on the lecture circuit: “Ladies and gentlemen, I was at the top, until everything came crashing down. I’ve learned a hard lesson and I’m better for it.”

I also love the mention of Sen. Chuck Schumer dressing down this CEO — the same Schumer mocked by The Onion for his passiveness in 2025.

“Is There New Love for Tom Cruise?” marks the return of Jackie Harvey, who never fails to dodge controversy but does predict Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter:

Although some would say he’s dating someone half his age, I wish them both a long and prosperous relationship. Let’s hope there are kids in their future!

Harvey name-checks many celebrities with varying degrees of accuracy, including Sean Penn, Dakota Fanning, Rosie O’Donnell, Bo Bice from “American Idol” and the 2005 UPN reality show starring Britney Spears.

He also bids farewell to “JAG” while suggesting a new CBS drama:

“a show about bomb-sniffing dogs. They can talk, but only to one another.”

I want to talk about the other aspect of Harvey’s character — his tendency to spout random one-liners a la Larry King’s USA Today columns or Andy Rooney’s “60 Minutes” segments. Here are some of Harvey’s King-esque one-offs:

• “Maybe it’s me, but there sure have been a lot of abductions lately. I think it’s what they call a sign of the times.”

• “With all the new fruits I can get at my local supermarket, you’d think I’d be able to get a new flavor of ice cream. Has ice-cream technology hit a wall? Breyers, get those scientists cracking!”

Harvey is not referring to the Natalee Holloway kidnapping, as she disappeared May 30, 2005. Meanwhile, there are more specialized ice cream companies/flavors than ever, but Americans are eating less of it.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Gemini:

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You thought it was only people in movies that were tied to railroad tracks by mustachioed villains, but your upcoming experience on Walt Disney World's monorail will prove otherwise.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“Upper-Middle-Class Man Vows To Never Forget Middle-Class Roots” is one of those timeless headlines.

I also really like “36-Year-Old Still Looking For Ways To Make Brushing Fun.”

For some readers, especially those in my age range, “Usher To Put Shirt Back On When Usher Ready To Put Shirt Back On” is just as relevant today.

What holds up worst?

There’s nothing wrong with “Fear Factor Creator's Will: 'Heirs Must Eat My Ashes To Collect Inheritance’” other than the show being so far out of the zeitgeist.

What would be done differently today?

A headline like “Upper-Middle-Class Man Vows To Never Forget Middle-Class Roots” reminds me of “Study: Majority of Billionaires Consider Selves Middle Class” from the April 2025 print issue.

The Onion critiquing the Iraq war, Texas’ conservative politics and the society-numbing effects of reality TV all feel in line with the publication’s values then and today.

Interestingly, The Onion didn’t acknowledge Mother’s Day (which was May 8, 2005), whereas the website homepage today (May 11, 2025), is devoted to mom-related coverage:

Thank you

Thank you for being here! Please keep liking and sharing the newsletter, leaving comments and emailing me — it’s a big help. I’m grateful I can help y’all revisit fun memories and discover old jokes.

See you next week!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made thro ugh book links in this post, including this one.

2. Technically, it’s online in 2025 but shows row after row of “undefined” instead of images.

3. The Onion rarely mentioned Scientology, although that link omits infographic mentions such as May 2000’s “Battlefield Earth Fever.”

4. While “Imaginetics” is a reference to Scientology’s Dianetics, there was an aerospace supplier named Imaginetics from 1990 to 2022.

5. This photo is likely from the 2004 MTV Video Music Awards.

6. In spring 2025, McDonald’s is suffering sales losses and trying to chase “value” customers with a McValue menu. So maybe The Onion predicted this approach, if not the actual menu items.