The Onion covered the White House bachelor auction 20 years ago
We also revisit the latest Hollywood gossip, hardworking CEOs, pen pals, bad tattoos, unemployment and the Israel-Palestine situation.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit July 16, 2003.
I don’t remember many of these Onion jokes from mid-2003, so I’m happy to rediscover these stories with you.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 27, the 154th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today.
The front-page headline “Turkmenistan Whistles Casually, Moves Border A Few Miles East”1 is no longer online.
Also not online is the front-page infographic “What's Sitting On Our Grand Pianos?” which was already missing from the Issue 27 page as early as 2005.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Not every Onion story ages well. That’s OK! Many jokes are meant to be funny in the moment. But satire ages for different reasons. It’s not always because a joke becomes offensive. Sometimes, the references lose their relevance or urgency. And that’s the case with our top story, “Sen. Frist Receives High Bid In White House Bachelor Auction.”
This is a funny story with one flaw: Most people haven’t thought about former Sen. Bill Frist in 15 years. This isn’t The Onion’s fault! He was the Senate majority leader, after all.
That said, I love the idea of a White House bachelor auction. And setting this in a buttoned-up, stiff presidency like Bush 43 is smart. If this story runs during Bill Clinton’s administration, by contrast, it feels less like satire and more like a late-night bit.
Anyways, why did I like this story? It starts with the photos, surprisingly. The Onion’s early 2000s Photoshopping is hit-or-miss, but these are stellar — the look on Colin Powell’s face and the exclamation point on the screen (“Frist!”).
The Condoleezza Rice photo (below) feels slightly regrettable 20 years later, but maybe she was making history as the 1st female Cabinet member to stuff money down a senator’s pants? Regardless, the Photoshop work is high quality.
I’m surprised only $9,310 total was raised at this auction. I guess those government salaries don’t go very far. Frist attracted a mere $825 from Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. By submitting the winning bid, O’Connor gets to take Frist to the now-closed Chadwick’s2 and see “Mamma Mia” at the National Theatre.
Many other administration officials are mentioned, including HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson. The article ends with Powell desparately trying to get a bid for Thompson — on the 3rd try!
"Come on! We're talking about a top member of the president's cabinet!" said Powell, as Thompson gamely flexed and posed for the assembled bidders. "This is Tommy Thompson, the original ladies' man. Don't you remember his calming presence during the anthrax scare, or the SARS outbreaks? Can I get $50? How about $30? Come on, ladies, this is for charity."
The Onion had 2 other political stories in the July 16, 2003, issue. The big real-life news was President George W. Bush visiting several African countries. The Onion asked people on the street about “Bush's African Tour.”
My favorite joke is about an old Onion frenemy:
"Thank God Strom Thurmond didn't live to see a member of the GOP do this."
Dena Hardy • Procurement Clerk
We also have “Secretary Of Agriculture Finally Gets Around To Reading Fast Food Nation,” which is a rare mention of Ag chief Ann Veneman and possibly the only mention of the muckraking book “Fast Food Nation.” Veneman also vows to read “Silent Spring.”
The Onion’s running joke about peace in the Middle East
Perhaps The Onion’s most famous commentary on the Middle East is in the book “Our Dumb Century,” which chronicles the 20th century. Bookending this history lesson are the 1905 headline “Arab-Jew Accord Promises New Era of Peace” and 2000’s “Jews, Arabs Forge New Era of Peace.”
That’s just a fraction of The Onion’s commentary on Israel, Palestine and the broader region, of course.3 This week, “Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline” has a darker, more pessimistic tone. But there’s clever writing underneath the bitterness — this is an article about literal headline-grabbing:
"From the 1979 Broadcast-News-Coverage Accord between Egypt and Israel to the 1989 Summit On Font Point-Size Minimums with the PLO, we have all heard this sort of thing before," said reporter Jeffrey Douglas-Miles of the London Times. "Can a successful end to more than 50 years of bloody conflict over headline domination be achieved in a single day? No. But this development is a positive one. There have been five more deaths in the region since Sunday, all of them newsworthy."
This article is written like a standard news article about an Israeli-Palestinian peace accord, except the only agreement is about semantics:
"We will concede the necessity of a shared Israeli-Palestinian headline accompanied by a photo of civilian parents mourning recently killed children caught in the crossfire," Sharon said. "But no concessions regarding media depiction of Palestinian victimhood will be tolerated unless a commitment to Israeli victimhood is also maintained."
The Onion doesn’t always give in to this pessimism, but it’s understandable. 2003 was a deadly year in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and June was the deadliest month up to this point.
Area People doing Area Things
This is a banner issue for “local” stories. So happy to be rediscovering many of these.
“Before He Knows What's Happening, Man Belongs To $uper $aver's Club” is a great parody of Costco, Sam’s Club and other membership-based stores.
I think most of us have had an experience of being accosted in public with a burdensome request and, in that moment, not knowing what to do but going along. It happens to the best of us!
In this story, Will Zimmerman of Altoona, Pa., is suckered into the Feltz Foods $uper $aver’s Club. (Feltz Foods is fictional but possibly named after Wisconsin-based Feltz’s Dairy Store.)
Zimmerman describes the experience as a "whirlwind of signing and laminating," only to find out that the $avers card doesn’t even help:
"The half-and-half rang up at its regular price," Zimmerman said. "I asked if I got a discount, and [Salgado] said no, because the half-and-half wasn't a $uper $aver's Club Special Of The Week. So I asked why she made me join the $uper $aver's Club, and she said she didn't make me join anything."
The Onion tells such a good story here — Zimmerman’s dazed recollection is backed up by surveillance camera footage like this is an episode of “Dateline” or another TV newsmagazine from the 1990s and 2000s.
Zimmerman is traumatized by … getting a free membership card:
Zimmerman's supervisor, Jack Thiele, noted his employee's state when Zimmerman returned to work at 2:44 p.m.
"The color was drained from his face, and when I asked what was wrong, he mumbled something about a laminated card and 'they charged me full price,'" Thiele said. "I said that's it—no more ducking out of the office to get half-and-half or gum or whatever the hell."
Poor Zimmerman. He doesn’t even live near this grocery store!
“Unemployed Man Getting Really Good At Unemployment” feels like a year-early preview of “Portlandia.”
It’s also reflective of the 2003 economy. In 2023, everyone’s talking about recession, but the unemployment rate is 3.6% with 6 million people unemployed. 20 years ago, those figures were 6.4% and 9.4 million, respectively.
Our protagonist is Nicholas Higby, a 34-year-old laid-off graphic designer who lives in Portland, Ore. He’s passing the time by going to the park, visiting museums, organizing his MP3s at the coffee shop, reading at Powell’s City Of Books, watching “The Rockford Files” at noon — all typical activities from early 2000s hipsters, I guess?
Higby also knows the importance of a routine:
“If you think about how you need stamps, and you put getting stamps on your mental list of things to do the next day, when you do go get those stamps, you’ve achieved a goal,” Higby said. “Another example: Thursday is Sports Illustrated Day. Now, back when I had a job, I also used to read Sports Illustrated on Thursdays, but Thursday was never Sports Illustrated Day.”
Maybe I spend too much time on LinkedIn, but this feels like the makings of a viral “How to Hack #Funemployment” post. This quote, in particular, has that classic LinkedIn attitude about always hustling:
“I have other friends without jobs, and they’re pathetic,” he said. “They get nothing done. They’re always depressed or frustrated. I know it’s rough the first couple months, but they should have their act together by now.”
This guy is somehow overconfident without a job!
Other Area People stories include:
“Late-Working CEO Calls Out For Coffee In Vain”: This article is about real-life Verizon CEO Ivan Seidenberg, who sadly cannot get a coffee at 11:30 p.m. or get the printer paper refilled.
“Pen Pal Becomes Pen Foe”: Love this headline. I also like how their feud concerns the merits of The Fairly OddParents and SpongeBob SquarePants. I think I briefly had a pen pal when I was like 6? I don’t know who stopped writing first.
“Elaborate Sentence Construction Facilitates Omission Of Word 'Boyfriend’”: Look, sometimes you don’t want everyone to know about your business.
“Judge Totally Understands Where Defendant Is Coming From”: The headline is great. The judge bonding with the defendant over domestic violence? Not great.
“Woman's Body Confusing Jumble Of Celtic, Egyptian, Japanese Symbols”: This photo-only headline was probably funnier 20 years ago when tattoos were less prevalent. Hopefully, people actually know what they’re putting on their bodies now?
“Painting Of Jesus Totally Knows Area Man Is High”: This photo-only headline is an old-timey stoner joke if there ever was one.
Were the infographics good?
“What's Sitting On Our Grand Pianos?” was almost immediately disappeared by The Onion, almost certainly by accident.
The jokes are fine — I always enjoy a Nelly reference, and “Three-year-old note reminding us to tune piano” made me laugh.
I’ve talked before about how the early 2000s generated a backlash against food companies as Americans became concerned about obesity. “Kraft Goes On A Diet” reflects the real-life news of Kraft trying to ward off bad publicity about its food.
Anyways, The Onion made many jokes about Big Food in 2002 and 2003. Here, my favorite is the ridiculous “Retiring long-time Kraft Foods mascot Andy, the ‘I’ll Eat Anything!’ Boy.™” I love when The Onion sarcastically uses the trademark symbol.4
What columnists ran?
Remember the early 2000s “Charlie’s Angels” movies, especially the 2nd one? No? Well, Onion columnist Jackie Harvey was much more excited than you or I in “A Second Dose of Angels? I Must Be In Heaven!”
Harvey is the entertainment columnist who writes much like Larry King in his old USA Today columns, only with ridiculous typos and misunderstandings. I mean, he thinks “Charlie’s Angels” stars “Lucy Loo and the beautiful but deadly Carmen Diaz"!
He does spell Demi Moore’s name correctly, but … sigh:
Speaking of the lovely Ms. Moore, the word on the street is that she's involved in a May-December romance with none other than future "Where Are They Now" candidate Asheton Koosher. Demi, didn't you get enough of him in the Dell computer ads? If you want a Scott Baio type, then go to the source and watch some of the classic episodes of Joanie Loves Chacha. Wise up, dear. You can do better—like your last husband, Bruce "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout?" Willis. Now, there's a man with class.
I always learn something from Harvey. This time, it’s that there was a summer hit called “Cameltoe” by FannyPack?
If you want to know what pop culture was big in June/July 2003, turn to Jackie Harvey. He also offers a burger recipe and this piece of advice:
Are you as tired as I am of thongs, especially the ones you can see in the back because the girls wear those lowrider jeans and half-shirts? My grandmother used to say that you shouldn't sell the chicken when there's still eggs left in it. Have some modesty, ladies.
Our other columnist is “Normally I Enjoy Your Pornographic Web Site, But This Time You've Gone Too Far,” which I cannot describe here. It is wildly vulgar and explicit — and specific.
Admittedly, this is The Onion testing how loyal its readers are — especially those reading the print issue in public.
The 1 thing I’ll share is the reminder that the 2003 internet was very different. Conroy refers to watching adult films in the QuickTime file format. QuickTime!
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Leo for this twist:
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It will be hard to take on the dual role of teacher and parent, but that's the life you'll lead as the enchanted rabbit companion to two plucky orphans.
What holds up best?
“Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline” is sadly relevant in every era, but we can also appreciate the timeliness of “Elaborate Sentence Construction Facilitates Omission Of Word 'Boyfriend.’”
What holds up worst?
“Judge Totally Understands Where Defendant Is Coming From” is very cavalier about :checks notes: trying to run over your significant other. Especially when there are countless other crimes The Onion could have used.
What would be done differently today?
“Pen Pal Becomes Pen Foe” would have to be updated for the modern age.
I’m surprised there’s yet another issue with little or no mention of Iraq and the War on Terror. Maybe the staff was tired of writing about it after almost 2 years.
“Kraft Goes On A Diet” and similar items are presented like a news report. Today’s Onion would probably be more caustic — and use slideshows and listicles wherever possible instead of designing graphics.
Thank you
Appreciate y’all for opening this newsletter each week.
Next week, we examine the New York Times after Jayson Blair, the 3rd Olson twin, problems in the state of Maryland and The Onion (kind of) mocking itself for ignoring the president.
Turkmenistan had border disputes with Uzbekistan after the fall of the U.S.S.R., but nothing notable in 2003, as far as I could tell.
Chadwick’s is famous for, among other things, being the place where Aldrich Ames sold out.
The Onion has many other types of Israeli commentary, some of which are very critical.
Perhaps best illustrated by 2003’s “Baby's Third Through Eighth Words Registered Trademarks.”
Ahh yes, Jackie Harvey!