20 years ago, The Onion discussed Michael Jackson, Lou Dobbs and WorldCom
Things have changed! There's also timeless humor about a dog barking at evil, conversations with 4-year-olds and being the black sheep.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Aug. 7, 2002.
Happy to be here with you! I spend a handful of hours each week on this newsletter, but it’s great to write something that’s not for work. The routine is good, too. It’s been a busy few months for me, as I’ve left a full-time job, taken on freelance work and then taken a part-time job out of that work. All of this is good news, but it’s been a lot of change.
Anyways, let’s get into this week’s recap. If you’re new here, sign up!
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 28, the 111th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.
The front-page headline “Marble Composition Notebook Successfully Blackened In” is no longer online. Do schools still use these? I remember having a million of these, especially in grammar school. I did more doodling than coloring in.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I’m absolutely sure that I had no awareness of Lou Dobbs or “Moneyline” in 2002 as a 19-year-old in college. Even 20 years later, I was surprised to see “Lou Dobbs Hosts Moneyline From Window Ledge” as the top story.
But maybe this made sense in 2002. After all, many cable TV personalities are famous, then and now. Dobbs hosted “Moneyline” for most of 1980-2009 (renamed “Lou Dobbs Tonight” in 2003), so he had name recognition and longevity. He was a ratings success his entire career,1 and 2002 had no shortage of corporate scandals.
This is a classic stock market panic story. Even a veteran like Dobbs is shaken up by the financial shocks of 2002:
On Monday, Dobbs alerted CNN by handwritten memo that he would be broadcasting from the ledge for "the foreseeable future." In the memo, Dobbs noted that, given the state of the economy, he had "no clue how long the foreseeable future might be."
The Onion also shares how Dobbs acted when the stock market was booming:
"This is a far cry from the Moneyline of 1999, when the NASDAQ, fueled by the booming New Economy, soared past 4,000, and the Dow was at 11,000," said Gene Sperling, a senior market analyst at Bloomberg Financial. "Back then, toga-clad nymphettes would feed an opium-sodden Dobbs peeled grapes as he broadcast from a pool high atop Caesar's Palace in Vegas."
Dobbs also chats with an NYPD officer trying to get him — literally — off the ledge, and he thanks his intern who retrieves his loafers every time they fall to the street below.
Also in this story? CNBC-era Maria Bartiromo! Things have sure changed in the past 20 years. I enjoyed this story, but it’s quite the anachronism.
In other business news, The Onion asked people about “The WorldCom Scandal.” This scandal directly influenced the Sarbanes-Oxley law and resulted in long-term jail time for the CEO. But all I can think about is long-distance telephone service as a massive industry!2
Anyways, these jokes are solid. If you want to start a fight online, try using this quote without context:
"If investors divested from every corporation guilty of corruption and fraud, it would only precipitate a deep, years-long recession. It's our patriotic duty to look the other way."
Tom Dyson • Systems Analyst
“Magazine Announces Plans For Special 'Sex Issue’” does a masterful job of delivering two simple jokes. One, that women’s and men’s magazines love to offer sex advice. Two, that every magazine is jumping on the bandwagon.
That Model Railroader cover is based on the real August 2002 cover. The real text includes legitimate railroading things (“HO scale” is not a joke). Everything below the title, though, is ridiculous but perfect.
The Jane magazine3 cover is also based on the real August 2002 issue, with just the 2 “sex” headlines changed. The Onion, through Jane founder Jane Pratt, explains how the idea of a sex issue was a joke, but then everyone realized it was a genius idea. I like how the magazine staff thinks a sex issue is edgy and daring.
This sex issue will include such stories as "What He's Really Thinking About Your Body" and "The 'Big O': A How-To Guide."
The Onion names other magazines planning sex issues, and while Cosmo, FHM and other usual suspects are on the list, we also have:
Harper's, Better Homes & Gardens, Money, Mother Jones, Comics Buyer's Guide, National Geographic, Reason, The Watchtower, Model Railroader, Biblical Archaeology Review, and Cat Fancy.
Again, this story works (for me) because it’s simple and direct — and only barely satire.
Other real-life news
President George W. Bush is absent this week after receiving 2 consecutive top stories, but we return to Michael Jackson, who was busy in 2002 feuding with Tommy Mottola. In “Cash-Strapped Michael Jackson Forced To Sell Off Pet Giraffes As Meat,” Jackson blames Mottola for his lack of money.
This is fun, quick read, but it’s hard to satirize someone as … unique as MJ. In real life, Jackson was buying giraffes as early as 1989. And Princess, sold for meat in The Onion’s story, was actually sold (not for meat) in 2006.
“The Fast-Food Lawsuit” was based off a July 2002 class-action lawsuit that was partly motivated by public health concerns and partly motivated by the success suing tobacco companies.
This infographic wisely avoids the lawsuit itself and instead imagines how everyone else will be sued. I like that The Onion doesn’t rely on the same reference point. The automakers joke mocks over-the-top car commercials, the U.S. military joke is deliberately out of context, and the Zubaz joke hearkens back to the early 1990s and stripey stretchy pants.
The other real-life reference is “Catholic Teens Still Coming Down After Excitement Of World Youth Day,” the last held by Pope John Paul II. It’s kind of an easy joke, but I still like the line "It was just like Woodstock, only with more Christ and none of the sinful sex and drugs and rock music."
Area People doing Area Things
“Everyone In Family Claims To Be The Black Sheep” isn’t uproariously funny but is smartly written. It taps into the human tendency to want recognition from our parents — even if it means bragging that you’re the odd one.
All three siblings are doing OK in life, but their living situations and career choices only spark insecurity in each of them. The Onion focuses on the adult children’s fears without suggesting that the parents have done a poor job raising them. That said, the mother bears some blame for their mindset:
“I’m not sure why they feel that way,” Martha said. “We don’t have a judgment scale for our offspring. They’re all our children, and we love each of them equally. It’s not like my family growing up: I stuck out like a sore thumb because I read poetry and dropped out of college while my brothers got business degrees.”
Other Area People stories include:
“Trip To Native American Museum Turns Into Cigarette-Buying Spree”: I used to live in an area where Native American sales of tax-free cigarettes were a very political issue. So it helps if you know the context. They end up buying cartons for their friends instead of hiking or learning anything about the Potawatomi people.
“Family Dog Barking At Evil”: What a good joke. And Spraggles as a dog name makes me laugh — it’s plausible but also a goofy name.
“Home Sex Tape Watched Once”: Understandable buyer’s remorse. My favorite line is that the couple “may already have taped over the footage with some West Wing episodes.”
“Man Runs Out Of Questions To Ask 4-Year-Old”: I wish this were a full story instead of the black sheep or Native American cigarette stories, honestly. So much potential here.
“Police Seek Poorly Drawn Man”: "All units have been advised to be on the lookout for a 5-foot-9 Caucasian with dark hair and a lopsided face that looks all wrong in the jaw area."
Finally, the 2 front-page headlines with photos are solid jokes that could have been expanded:
Were the infographics good?
I really liked the fast-food infographic. Our other infographic is the front-page one, “Most Depressing Anniversary Gifts.”
I like most of these jokes, including the illustration of the ironing board. She looks thrilled. The Alzheimer’s joke feels in poor taste — is the joke that the person with Alzheimer’s surprises the spouse with that book?
What columnists ran?
Last time we saw Jean Teasdale, she was losing her job and blowing up her chance at a new job by insulting her manager/benefactor. She returns with “Repressible Wit,” where she discovers alternative weekly newspapers (RIP to most of them). Jean is shocked by the content:
Like, there was swearing in the movie reviews (didn't they realize children could read that stuff?) and a comic strip with a politically opinionated penguin in wraparound sunglasses. (Give me good old Cathy any day!) And, judging from their ads, their chief income seems to come from phone-sex lines and naughty bakers.
Later on, her terrible husband, Rick, mentions this alt-weekly. Jean doesn’t stand up for herself too often, but credit for this passive-aggressiveness:
I was totally shocked to see Rick holding a newspaper. Had he finally broken the no-reading vow he has strictly adhered to since the last day of high school?
Anyways, Jean has been honored for “Least Insightful Newspaper Commentary,” based on these very columns we’re reading. I’ve really enjoyed Jean’s columns while writing this newsletter, but it’s true that she’s not particularly deep.
That said, I think Jean is ahead of her time. In an era before social media influencers, the short-lived blogger era and most reality TV, she understands that the only truth that matters is whatever you think is true:
And another thing: If something is real, and it's true, how can anyone claim it's not good? I write about what I know best: ME. And isn't that what all good writers do?
Our other columnist this week is “I'm Really Going To Miss This Task Force,” which yet another example of The Onion taking a normal premise and changing one or two details to make it absurd. My favorite part is that this task force isn’t handling a crisis or saving the world. It’s a local school district talking about busing.
That’s not unimportant, but this guy is unusually proud of writing a report:
We tried to make a difference, and I think we did. We really went to the mat and made some eye-opening recommendations to the city council. Like our proposal to institute a new "drop-point system," shaving hours off bus routes and saving hundreds of dollars in gas and wear-and-tear each year. It takes a special kind of task force to come up with a proposal like that.
I think this column actually works better in 2022. So many people have jobs where nothing real gets done. After all, “The Office” remains popular in part because it’s so damn accurate about those things.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Aries. What a visual!
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
Honorable mention to Taurus for this combination of pacifism and “let ‘er rip” COVID guidance:
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your motto has always been "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out,'' but only in reference to germs that cause coughing, sneezing, and congestion.
What holds up best?
I enjoyed this issue, but a lot of the material is dated, and I found it more humorous than hilarious. That said, “Family Dog Barking At Evil” should be a classic along “Kitten Thinks of Murder All Day” and “It Only Tuesday.”
What holds up worst?
“Lou Dobbs Hosts Moneyline From Window Ledge” doesn’t hold up — not because it’s not funny or a great premise, but because the world has changed entirely since then. It’s not just the politics — who is turning to CNN for their business news today!
What would be done differently today?
Besides the Lou Dobbs and Maria Bartiromo references, there’s still a lot that would be different today. For example, the “sex issue” joke is still good, but magazines have such a smaller role in our culture today.
“Man Runs Out Of Questions To Ask 4-Year-Old” would not have the line “Linn added that he has newfound respect for Bill Cosby.”
“Home Sex Tape Watched Once” would revolve around smartphones instead of VHS tapes, I suppose.
Thank you
Happy to have y’all here. And as always, you don’t have to read the whole thing. Explore the links — we’re all here to enjoy some Onion humor.
See you next week, when we have 2 classic front-page headlines and much more.
Dobbs was at CNN from the start and spent nearly 30 years there. And his Fox Business show thrived until he (and Bartiromo) was sued by Smartmatic. Randomly, he also co-founded Space.com, now owned by my former full-time employer.
I didn’t realize Jane magazine is named after founding editor Jane Pratt. To be fair, the magazine only ran from 1997-2007.