Let's middle-manage our way out of this
20 years ago today, The Onion shared Bush and Clinton's new adventures, "The Mummy," toilet paper and Super Bowl party tips
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Jan. 24, 2001.
As a sort of middle manager myself, I’m very excited to discuss the column mentioned in this week’s title. And I think we have a fun mix of stories here.
What feels very clear to me is how “normal” everything is in this Onion issue. The presidential election crisis is over, 9/11 is months away, and it’s just ordinary times, even with warning signs like the California blackouts.
I’m glad you’re here with me! Let’s explore.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 02, the 46th published Onion issue of the 2000s and the 45th issue of new content. I don’t have the front page or the 2001 website. Here’s the 2011 website with all the images missing, and here’s today’s website.
The headline “Britain Cleaned, Restored, Placed In British Museum” is no longer online.
The story “Man Knows Unsettling Amount About Nationwide Age-Of-Consent Laws” is still online but not on today’s Volume 37 Issue 02 page.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Well, I don’t know what the top story was, but I can tell you my favorite story was the column “Somehow, We'll Middle-Manage.” It’s a brilliant piece of satire of any corporate environment in which the boss talks about responsibility, about the future, about banding together, yet it’s only the employees paying the price.
There’s also a dash of bureaucracy. For, you see, this isn’t the main meeting to talk about ProVantage Solutions’ yearslong decline. Monday the 29th is the tentative meeting — not for enacting solutions, but for “compiling and preparing a report on potential strategies we might implement.”
But even the 29th isn’t certain, because another planning-for-planning meeting might have booked the conference room. So “my goal is to definitely meet by Wednesday the 31st, the latest,” says department head Rick Oberling.
That meeting, actually, is the main reason I have called all of you here today. This is the informal meeting that precedes the formal one on the 31st. We could hypothetically have the formal meeting now, but Sharon is out of the office, and I'd really like to have her at the formal.
Oberling goes on to detail all the suffering and sacrifices. He points out employees by name, first praising them and then revealing that they won’t get the thing they asked for. He tells employees that they can email him for support and morale at any time, except “between 6 p.m. Wednesday and 6 a.m. Thursday, because the server will be down for maintenance.”
Most importantly, employees are asked to have faith, even if there’s no apparent plan:
Exactly what will change, precisely what will deliver us from this long, dark night, I cannot say. But we must have faith, faith that we will middle-manage against all odds.
This column is all the better for having been written during relatively prosperous times, rather than during a recession.
Bush and Clinton
Lots of presidential transition coverage this week, the first issue published by The Onion since George W. Bush took office.
First, we have Bill Clinton, newly unemployed but not without transition assistance. “White House Guidance Counselor Recommends Clinton Consider Career In Hotel Management” suggests Clinton could also be a food scientist or architect. Clinton is also asked to read “What Color Is Your Parachute?” — a real book that was updated for 2021.
We also have “Clinton's Last Acts,” which does not touch upon his controversial last-minute pardons in real life. Still, this scattershot, silly approach does have some chuckles, including Clinton quoting Jesus’ lament of “My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me" (King James Bible translation).
I also wish Clinton had appeared on “Buffy,” not to mention that long-rumored “The Hangover 2” cameo.
George. W. Bush kept busy, too! “'80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch” is a wonderful way to satirize how so many of the younger Bush’s appointees had served in the Reagan and H.W. Bush administrations.
This, in my opinion, is a good start for The Onion in covering Bush — a nice mix of relying on real-life information to jump-start some silliness that The Onion could perhaps build on.
It’s also written less like a news article and more like a 1990s, pre-Internet Onion front-page story, which often was presented more like an infomercial than satirical journalism. There’s a lot of name-checking of political officials and other 1980s notables like Michael Milken, George Michael and people without “Michael” in their names.
There’s so much here, including Bush retelling stories from his 30s like he was a young child back then. The article closes with:
Though committed to leading America into the future, Bush said he can't help but wish he could have been president back in the decade of Pac-Man, skinny ties, and illegal arms deals with Nicaragua.
One thing to note is the relative passage of time. Bush references James Watt trying to ban the Beach Boys from 1983’s 4th of July celebrations, which feels like forever ago but was only 17.5 years earlier in 2001. In today’s terms, it would be like Joe Biden referencing the Bush administration’s walking back Iraq weapons claims in July 2003, or discussing Garrett Anderson’s 2003 baseball All-Star Game MVP.
Is 17.5 years an eternity, or just a short while ago? I guess it depends on the perspective.
The other politics-related item is The Onion asking local residents about "The California Blackouts.” For whatever reason, I really enjoy this quote:
"Gee, I hope San Francisco doesn't have to turn off its big fog machine."
Adrienne Berner • Homemaker
Area People doing Area Things
The Onion in 2001 was still at heart a “local” newspaper, and there are some delightful references to everyday life’s quirks and happenings in this issue. Here are a few favorites:
“Vacationing Woman Thinks Cats Miss Her” really lays on thick this woman’s anxiety about leaving her cats alone, as she (mistakenly) believes they cannot cope without her. Not only that, but her cat-sitter has not followed her wishes:
Pullman admitted that she has not followed the elaborate instructions, merely filling up the cats' food and water bowls when they are empty.
"I just dump some Purina in the bowl, and I'm gone," Pullman said. "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."
The Onion notes that this is the 219th time Annette Davrian has ruined an outing with worry about her cats.
“Area Man Likes To Think Of Own Past As Sordid” is mildly refreshing, as Ross Bingham seems like a decent fellow who only thinks he’s been a sordid rebel. Being friends with a ska band might be his lasting shame?
“Explosion Used To Signify Big Savings” is one of those Onion stories that makes you realize, “Oh wait, that’s true!” The article is about a newspaper ad, whereas in 2021 it would probably be a mobile popup or sponsored Instagram post.
Ditto for “Toilet-Paper Edge Given Classy Appearance With Triangular Fold,” which is enhanced by being at a Motel 6 in Missoula, Mont. I’m sure it’s a fine city, but it’s not exactly within 500 miles of high society.
On the other hand, “Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker,” all I can say is “sigh.” This continues 2000 Onion’s tradition of basing entire stories on “Hey, the disabled are funny!” Sure, The Onion is clear that Andy Ehrman is a much better and more caring employee than everyone else. And 2001 was a different time, etc., etc. Unfortunately, a story about working at Burger King could be told so many other ways that would hold up better in 2021.
I should also mention two silly headlines that have photos but no stories:
Were the infographics good?
We already discussed the Bill Clinton infographic. We also have “Least-Used Exclamations During Sex,” which also has a joke about long-distance phone calls. What was going on 20 years ago?
“Docking complete!” and “Next stop, Santa Fe!” make me laugh and laugh. Please email me if you use any of these phrases in real life.
We also have “Super Bowl Party-Planning Tips,” which meets my basic criteria for Onion infographics: Have too many jokes rather than too few. There are many jokes about chips and/or dip, as well as this joke, which feels like The Onion mocking its new New York City snobbish neighbors:
Before guests arrive, be sure to hide any copies of Harper's Weekly, The Atlantic Monthly, and The New Yorker you may have lying around.
As a Giants fan who watched them get dismantled by the Ravens, this is the most correct tip:
If rooting for the Giants, openly question Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis' role in the stabbing deaths of two men outside an Atlanta nightclub following last year's Super Bowl.
Longtime readers might recall The Onion’s 2000 coverage of Ray Lewis’ real-life murder entanglement.
What columnists ran?
We have a 2nd week without any longstanding Onion columnists, which is disappointing. But with “Somehow, We'll Middle-Manage” and “I Bet I Wouldn't Be Laughing So Hard If It Was Me In That Fire,” The Onion doesn’t miss a beat.
The latter column is a classic example of “it’s funny unless it’s happening to me,” and the twist here seems to be the excruciating detail that Greg Gund uses to describe it. Here’s just one example:
And how far is too far to take a joke? Or, in this case, a fire? If the sight of this burning guy running out of the church is funny, where do you draw the line?
I enjoy the dedication of this column, even if the joke is repetitive. The Onion would return to the topic in 2005 with the Point/Counterpoint “Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus.”
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
Absolutely the “Made a bunch of long-distance calls” joke in the “Clinton's Last Acts” infographic. It’s amazing how as a child, I feel like 50% of the TV ads I saw were for long-distance carriers. Yet, within 10-15 years, the entire concept was obsolete.
Was an animal quoted?
No, sadly. However, a “Lutheran talking dog” is mentioned in the Capricorn horoscope. I think this is a vague reference to the 1960s claymation cartoon “Davey and Goliath,” which was produced by Lutheran organizations and featured a talking dog.
The things I Google for this newsletter, let me tell you.
What was the best horoscope?
Taurus reminds us that a good joke is all about the setup.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be shocked to find your wife in bed with your best friend, even though he's been dead for eight years.
What holds up best?
Almost anything The Onion does about the workplace is usually a priceless treasure, and “Somehow, We'll Middle-Manage” is no exception.
The Onion’s tale of a supervisor dashing the dreams of his reports reminds me of a real article from 2021 I recently read. Tell me this doesn’t feel like the beige misery The Onion depicted 20 years ago:
Plenty of organizations say they want independent-minded employees who “own” their business, but then don’t give them actual power.
Just because this Onion article has slightly outdated references to Xerox machines and Bic pens doesn’t mean its central message has lost its power.
What holds up worst?
The Burger King article. Yes, it’s well-written and is also making fun of everyone else, too, but at best it’s a mirror on society in 2001. That mirror would need to be updated for today.
What would be done differently today?
The Onion today would double down on political and other real-life humor while minimizing the “Area Man” content. Of course, if you know this newsletter, I think this would be a mistake.
And many of these topics aren’t really that outdated (a woman and her cats, the Super Bowl, commentary on advertising and “classy” toilet paper). You’d just need to update them in some way.
What real-life people were mentioned?
Brendan Fraser. Bill Clinton. Smokey The Bear. Doobie Brothers. Mary Todd Lincoln. Charlize Theron. Armen Keteyian. Ray Lewis. Judith Light. Ed Meese. Caspar Weinberger. George Shultz. Donald Regan. James Watt. The Beach Boys. Dick Cheney. Robert Bork. Donna Rice. Fawn Hall. Oliver North. Gary Hart. Jessica Hahn. Jim Bakker. Jimmy Swaggart. William Casey. Wham! George Michael. Ivan Boesky. Michael Milken. John DeLorean. Claus von Bulow.
Fraser is the subject of “Bunch Of People Apparently Saw That Brendan Fraser Mummy Movie,” which also marvels at the success of “The Whole Nine Yards.”
Smokey The Bear and the Doobie Brothers are mentioned in “Clinton's Last Acts.”
Lincoln appears in “Least-Used Exclamations During Sex,” just over a month after she appeared in the horoscopes.
Theron is mentioned in “The California Blackouts” as a possible source of electricity generation.
Keteyian, who covered the 2001 Super Bowl for CBS, and actress Light are mentioned in “Super Bowl Party-Planning Tips,” with Light supposedly hosting the Lifetime Network halftime show.
“'80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch” has most of the mentions, as follows:
Reagan-era officials mentioned include Meese, Weinberger, Schultz, Regan, Casey and Cheney, as well as failed Supreme Court nominee Bork.
Rice’s association with Hart doomed his 1988 presidential bid, while Hall was North’s secretary, Hahn accused Bakker of rape, and Swaggart had multiple scandals.
Boesky and Milken both went to prison for financial crimes in the 1980s. Car pioneer DeLorean and oil consultant von Bulow were acquitted of cocaine trafficking and attempted murder of his wife, respectively.
What was happening in the real world?
Here’s the real-life news from Jan. 15-21, 2001. News is from InfoPlease and the front pages of The New York Times (subscription required). Movie and music charts are linked:
Bush becomes president. Cabinet nominees have Senate hearings. Clinton issues final pardons, settles legal troubles, has cancerous lesion removed. NYT front-page story examines Bin Laden-directed terror plot. Electrical blackouts plunge California into state of emergency. Scientists make breakthrough by stopping light’s movement. Democratic Republic of Congo President Laurent Kabila is assassinated. Philippines president quits. UK bans fox hunting. Pope John Paul II names 37 cardinals. NYT highlights many cities building sports stadiums. NYC plans to improve police-community relations. Giants, Ravens to meet in Super Bowl. Screenwriters unhappy with Hollywood’s treatment.