20 years ago, The Onion visited Bill Clinton's DVD library
Smoove B returns, and Kenneth Cole gives advice. We revisit the 2003 Boston Red Sox, the Comanche helicopter, Dick Cheney, automation and more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 10, 2004.
Today, we revisit the era of DVDs and Dick Cheney. Plus, my favorite Onion columnist, Smoove B, is back. Plus, we have one of my favorite Onion advice columnist parodies, “Ask Kenneth Cole.”
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 10, the 183rd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headlines “St. Vincent De Paul Truck Driver Doesn't Even Care That There's Shit Falling Out Of The Back” and “Furtive Glance Futile” are no longer online. Plus, The Onion’s horribly broken website lacks the photo illustration for “Cerebral Palsy’s Hidden Dark Side.”
I haven’t thought about St. Vincent De Paul in decades — for reference, it’s a thrift store operation run by a Catholic charity. In 1999, Onion columnist Jean Teasdale shared how her toys were given away to St. Vincent De Paul.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
As I’ve written about before, The Onion occasionally had a USA Today-style photo illustration teasing a big investigative story on the inside, only there’s no story to be found.1 “Cerebral Palsy’s Hidden Dark Side” is another example of this approach.
The real top story is “Urban Planner Stuck In Traffic Of Own Design,” in which Bernard Rothstein of the Urban Redevelopment Authority regrets designing the Allegheny Center district in 1987 with tree-lined squares instead of six lanes of traffic.2
"With more lanes, tourists wouldn't have to cut across commuter traffic to get from the area around the Buhl Planetarium and the Institute Of Popular Science down to the Three Rivers area to buy hot wings at those crappy jazz clubs," Rothstein said. "You might have thought of that, genius. After all, you're the one who convinced them to re-zone it commercial. Moron."
The Onion describes another real-life Urban Redevelopment Authority project named Crawford Park, which Rothstein wishes he’d designed with “say, 85 percent of the existing parkland and a few more goddamned dedicated turn lanes."
Rothstein concludes the article by scolding his wife for wanting small parks and opposing highways ripping through city centers.
I’ve lived a block or less from different D.C. Metro stations for the past 13 years, and I haven’t had a car for 7-8 years, but I suspect most of you do drive and probably sympathize with Rothstein. I get it! Most of the U.S. is meant for cars.
For what it’s worth, Pittsburgh has made parts of Allegheny Center even less vehicle-friendly in recent years.
The Onion discusses real-life news and politics
Occasionally, I can’t explain why I love an Onion story. That’s the case with “Work Begins On Clinton Presidential DVD Library,” which published about 8 months before the actual Clinton presidential library opened.
Maybe it’s because adding 1 simple word allows for a wildly different story. Maybe it’s because DVDs had such a short heyday. Either way, I love this idea of Bill Clinton wasting time combing through his DVDs.
Amazingly, a semi-complete list of movies screened by real-life Bill Clinton while in office was released in 2016. Only 3 movies are mentioned by The Onion and actually watched by Clinton:
“Titanic”
“Forrest Gump”
“Jerry Maguire”
The Onion’s Clinton calls “High Noon” an all-time favorite — he claimed in real life to have watched it 20-30 times, though it’s not on the official White House list.
I love that Clinton is doing one of those Columbia House-style 6-for-1 deals. Did anyone reading this do one of those deals? I know I did for the BMG Music Club.
I also like how Clinton is less a tastemaker than a taste-follower
"I asked my assistant to print out some of those AFI lists,”3 Clinton said. "Also, I've been asking my buddies for suggestions. Janet [Reno] told me I should get Glengarry Glen Ross, so I'm going to order it on Amazon. I know it's a little risky to buy a movie without having seen it, but it'd be a waste of money to rent it if I'm just going to end up buying it for the library anyway."
Clinton also has ideas for his home theater, with “Jurassic Park” as his model movie:
"The individual viewing carrels will be equipped with 32-inch plasma televisions and top-of-the-line Sennheiser headphones," Clinton said. "The library's main auditorium will have 5.1 Dolby Surround Sound and stadium seating.”
32-inch TVs!
I also love Clinton’s high-tech computerized search tool:
"If you type in 'Show me the money,' it'll bring up Jerry Maguire and say where to find the movie," Clinton said. "What a boon for future generations."
What a boon, indeed.
“Comanche Program Scrapped” reflects the cancellation of a military helicopter project with Boeing and Sikorsky after $6.9 billion was spent. I don’t remember this, but I’m guessing many mistakes were made.
The Onion offers a collection of semi-random jokes — “Program directors found out we basically beat the Communists already” feels almost accurate. “Comanche program hit Pentagon spending limit for things that don’t work” also feels true, although some might argue the F-35 program proves this false.
Other political or real-life news items include:
“Cheney Clotheslines Aide” is stupid, but fine for a front-page headline.
“Republicans Retain Majority In Household”: In Omaha, Neb., 6-year-old Timmy Sanderson joins his parents as Republicans, defeating his 12-year-old and 16-year-old siblings. In real life, President George W. Bush won all but 1 county in Nebraska in 2004.
“Milosevic Genocide Case Faltering”: The Onion asks people about the troubled prosecution of Slobodan Milosevic, who died in 2006 before any verdict was reached. My favorite reaction is this O.J. Simpson-esque reply:
"They wasted two years questioning an innocent man, and the real genocider is still out there somewhere."
Larry Robinson • Dishwasher
Area People doing Area Things
In last week’s issue, I noted how “Foster Mom A Cunt” ravaged a well-meaning foster mom, while “Cool Dad A Terrible Father” takes a much nicer tone, even if it’s ultimately criticizing a dad with poor parenting skills.
Honestly, I don’t mind either approach, but the juxtaposition threw me off. Anyways, '“Cool Dad” delights in showing how Peter Nesmith is beloved by children because of his bad habits, like letting them use an electric sander, blow off homework and drink from the keg in his basement.
Also, sacrificing insurance for an extra car is … a choice:
Nesmith, who married Karen Reynolds in 1990, is the father of three children besides Thomas: Evan, 10; Kevin, 13; and Julia, 15. Soon after moving into the quiet North Portland neighborhood, Nesmith cemented his cool-dad reputation by buying a 1974 Camaro, the costly upkeep of which forced the Nesmith family to cancel its dental insurance earlier this year.
The Camaro has a gas leak, too.
Other parents don’t like Nesmith, partly because he lets children drink — sometimes on school nights — and didn’t make his son Tommy get a tetanus shot after cutting himself on a rusty nail. The kids have a different opinion:
"Mom's always yelling at us to do better in school so we don't turn out like Kevin's dad," Shadid said. "I don't know why. He doesn't look so bad to me. He's got a super-huge stereo and his own room in the basement with posters on the wall and a leather couch."
I enjoyed this article, but I wonder how much it holds up now. Do kids want to hang out with some random dad when they have online games, smartphones, and social media?
Other Area People items include:
“Dixieland Band Evicted.” Sure, why not.
“Automated Teller Has More Personality Than Human Teller”: This illustrates the real dangers of automation and AI, I guess. What if people will find machines more interesting than fellow humans? The bank in the article is Washington Mutual, which collapsed in 2008.
“Dog Trying Its Absolute Hardest”: Is Woofers a good dog name? It seems too on the nose. I love the last line: “Eli's utterance of the word ‘Woofers’ spurred a frenzy of irrelevant leaping.”
“Study: 58 Percent Of U.S. Exercise Televised”: The Onion’s news stories about fake studies were often full-length articles, but this one, sadly, is not. There’s a mention of ESPN3, which I don’t think existed until 2005.
“Every Song On Radio Reminds Man Of Red Sox Loss”: Little did The Onion realize that Boston would win the World Series in 2004! I enjoyed this quote:
"So I flipped over to 97.9, but then Van Halen's 'Poundcake' reminded me of how Yankee batter Aaron Boone pounded Tim Wakefield's knuckleball over the fence."
Were the infographics good?
“Slowest-Spreading Celebrity Rumors” includes “Conan O’Brien has had a lot of dental work done,” which is a rare crossover of my 2 comedic favorites. Onion columnist Jackie Harvey mentions Conan occasionally in the early 2000s, but I believe you have to go back to 1997’s “Leno Begs Simpson To Kill Again” for a substantive mention.
These jokes are OK, but not amazing. The illustration of “Cher Has A Cold!” references the 1966 Esquire article “Frank Sinatra Has A Cold.”
What columnists ran?
The Onion’s Smoove B is my favorite columnist, maybe because he’s got such a unique, consistent voice — the outlandish lover who will do anything to impress his lady while bragging about himself. And The Onion only published him a few times a year, so seeing a new column was a surprise and a treat.
In “I Can Make Things Right,” he’s trying to win his woman back with his usual playbook — fine dining, sex and breakfast the following morning. Spoiler: Smoove B’s love life doesn’t improve from here on out.
Smoove’s problem, for all the love he professes and the fine foods, drinks and objects he procures, is that he’s self-obsessed. For example:
If you knew what kind of pain Smoove has been in since you left, you would not be so cold. I ache so bad, girl. It is a pain of the heart and of the soul, which is the worst kind of pain. It is even worse than a headache, but I’ve also been getting those lately, as a result of the emotional pain.
He delivers a long description of how they literally and figuratively fit together before describing the evening he has planned. But again, the focus is on him as much as it is on this mystery ex:
Come to my penthouse apartment this evening, or, if you absolutely cannot make it because you’re busy, some other evening in the near future. I will show you a night that will surpass your wildest romantic fantasies. I will wear my crimson silk pajama bottoms and robe, but neglect to wear the matching shirt, so as to show off my chest and abdomen.
He also says things like, “Then I will put my sting in you sideways.” Please, someone use that line and let me know in the comments how that goes!
I mentioned breakfast earlier. I appreciate how prepared Smoove is, even if he expects every woman to stay the night. There’s also this strange way of describing a night of passion:
I will give it to you all night long and into the dawn, taking you to unexplored regions of passion. We will grind our way through uncharted lands peopled by gentle natives who are receptive to our message of peace and sex-making.
In the morning, hot biscuits and gravy will be available.
Anyways, poor Smoove. Alone and delusional about getting back with this woman.
“Ask Kenneth Cole” mocks advice columns and the Kenneth Cole brand's propensity for taglines that pretend to be deep but are non sequiturs. Here’s a real-life example from 2000:
Anyways, here are The Onion’s fake Kenneth Cole phrases (all of which also include his signature):
“Let there be shoes. —Kenneth Cole”
“Self-confidence isn't made, it's worn. —Kenneth Cole”
“After the storm comes the makeover. —Kenneth Cole”
“No one on their deathbed says they wish they'd spent more time in pleated pants. —Kenneth Cole”
“Be genuine. Wear leather. —Kenneth Cole”
“Appearances may be deceiving. Work it. —Kenneth Cole”
“To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best. After that, it's all shoes. —Kenneth Cole”
“Every sweater happens for a reason. —Kenneth Cole”
Every. Sweater. Happens. For. A. Reason.
This parody is so good that I’m genuinely annoyed by that one and “After that, it’s all shoes”! Fantastic work by The Onion.
What was the best horoscope?
There is a lot of death in this week’s horoscopes. My favorite is Libra for being so meta:
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars, in their infinite variety, indicate both romance ahead for lucky Libra and the approximate age of the universe for competent astronomers.
What holds up best?
I admit that Bill Clinton’s DVDs, Smoove B and Kenneth Cole are maybe not the hottest topics of 2024, despite my deep enjoyment. “Dog Trying Its Absolute Hardest” is pretty timeless, though.
What holds up worst?
I know the joke is that the “Slowest-Spreading Celebrity Rumors” are boring, but they’re boring!
What would be done differently today?
The Onion’s top story on its front page as I type this is “Quiz: Do You Know How To Please A Woman Sexually?” which feels like a years-late Cosmopolitan or BuzzFeed parody. Most importantly, it has nothing in common with what a local newspaper would publish.
“Local news” is a slideshow (linked twice on the homepage by mistake),
Some jokes might have run 20 years ago, like “Words Besides ‘Genocide’ U.S. News Outlets Use To Describe Genocide” or “Biden Crumbles To Dust During State Of Union,” but honestly, I was depressed visiting the current website. It’s not the staff’s fault (whatever’s left of it), but it’s still unfortunate.
Thank you
Grateful to be writing this, and grateful to have y’all reading, liking and sharing.
Next week, we’ll look at Donald Rumsfeld holding a Street Fighter-like tournament, a confused best man, spam filters, and Jackie Harvey’s Oscars report. See you then!
Finding old USA Today front pages seems harder than finding old Onion issues, but this 2015 cover is an example — the U.S. soccer team item is just a promo, presumably for coverage in the sports section.
Expanding roadways, in many cases, increase traffic! I guess it’s like Parkinson’s law, which states that work expands to fill the time allotted.
The American Film Institute put out many “best of” lists from the late 1990s to late 2000s.