20 years ago, The Onion's Jesus didn't like "Passion of the Christ"
Explore the Nietzschean diet! Plus, George W. Bush's military service, CPR, Al Franken, soy flu and much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 3, 2004.
Today, we revisit “The Passion of the Christ,” Friedrich Nietzsche, chili cook-offs, revised CPR guidance and much more.
Also, I noticed Substack introduced DMs. I don’t understand why. Just reply to the email to chat with me!
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 09, the 182nd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headline “Al Franken Announces New Book Project: Ha Ha, Bush, Your Dog Is Dead” is no longer online, and I’m not sure anyone misses it. It refers to the February 2004 death of Spot Fetcher, the 1st dog to live at the White House during two administrations.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I was attending a Jesuit college when Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ” came out. This was before Gibson’s biggest scandals, but in Catholic circles, he was already controversial for being a sort of anti-pope Catholic who later built his own church.1 I’m sure the movie generated buzz on campus, but I don’t remember much about it either way.
20 years later, I haven’t seen “Passion,” but I understand why it polarized audiences. The Onion avoids the culture wars in “Jesus Demands Creative Control Over Next Movie,” instead imagining Jesus as just another celebrity trying to get a biopic made.
Most Onion stories about God imagine him less as a deity and more as someone with human desires and feelings. In this case, Jesus is frustrated.
He doesn’t like most films about him, including “Passion,” “Godspell” and “The Greatest Story Ever Told.” And while Jesus praises Martin Scorcese for “The Last Temptation Of Christ,” he says John Turturro should have played him, not Willem Dafoe.
This version of Jesus might be without sin, but he sure likes to blame people. It’s his agent’s fault for saying adaptations will be great when they aren’t. It’s Hollywood’s fault for making the apostles interchangeable and ignoring his quiet friendship with John the Baptist.
He even blames the original screenwriters — the Gospel authors:
"Remember, at the time the Good Book was written, I was running around saving souls like a madman," Christ said. "I couldn't focus on a writing project, too. I basically gave My team of writers the broad strokes and hoped inspiration would fill in the cracks.”
So what does Jesus want? Full creative control, like anyone with an ego. He wants a good drama — no animated films or musicals, please — and he’s working on scripts with real-life screenwriter Ron Bass.
Unfortunately, Jesus is bad at pitching his ideas:
"Last week, I appeared in a vision before a D-girl at Sony, and I said, 'Be not afraid, for I am Jesus—I have written a treatment and Matthew McConaughey is interested in the role of Herod.' Apparently, she was a little freaked-out by the vision and she ended up passing on the idea. Ron said that next time I should just schedule a lunch meeting like everyone else."
Plus, Jesus wants Johnny Depp to portray him. Depp was 40 then. Who would portray Jesus now?
The Onion talks about politics
This week, The Onion spent more time on the presidential race, starting with President George W. Bush in “Bush To Make Up Missed National Guard Service This Weekend.”
This story reflects the February 2004 release of more than 700 pages of Bush’s military records not long after Michael Moore called Bush a “deserter.” The questions about Bush’s military service persisted throughout 2004 and led, of course, to the infamous Dan Rather report that cost him his job.
Bush is happy to take a weekend away, although he’s very sarcastic about it:
"Go ahead and wave your dusty stacks of papers, call names, and point fingers," Bush said. "I'm just going to have to be the bigger man."
…
"I had to cancel dozens of appointments with cabinet members, congressional leaders, and foreign dignitaries," Bush said. "All that stuff's going to have to wait, since this 30-year-old story is apparently a pressing national concern, or something."
The Onion talks to a retired general who worries about Bush being potentially shipped off to war (a la The Onion’s March 2003 story “Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle”):
"Once he gets there, he's an enlisted man like anybody else," Wilcox said. "A lot of other National Guard and Army reservists thought they were just signing up for some tame domestic training and ended up in Iraq or Afghanistan. The president is taking a real risk here. For his sake and the sake of the nation, I hope he doesn't get shipped out."
The Onion also mocks press secretary Scott McClellan, who momentarily claims that Bush has never been to the Alabama base he supposedly served at during the early 1970s.
This is a good example of The Onion reacting to real-life news with something more clever than random topical jokes. Of course, the staff had a couple of weeks to respond, rather than a few hours or days.
Other political stories included:
“Kerry Volunteer Gets Some Kerry-Primary Victory Sex”: I mentioned this to a one-time presidential campaign volunteer, who said it sounded realistic.
“Should The U.S. Help Haiti?”: The Onion asked people on the street about the U.S. contributing to an interim UN peacekeeping force in February 2004. There’s a full range of American stereotypes here, including jokes about Haiti’s voodoo army and a bastardization of President John F. Kennedy’s “ask not” quote. My favorite is this:
"Haiti's really small. Why don't we send that 'Army Of One'2 I keep hearing about on television?"
Kathleen Scott • Auditing Clerk
Nietzsche lives!
In 2004, I took a semester-long course on Friedrich Nietzsche, which was fascinating but also very difficult reading.
Still, I retain just enough to delight in “New Nietzschean Diet Lets You Eat Whatever You Fear Most,” a beautiful mockery of Nietzsche, fad diets and self-help. The Onion imagines that this diet plan was written in the 1880s and only rediscovered in the early 2000s.
"One must strive to eat dangerously as one comes into the Will to Power Oneself Thin," Nietzsche wrote. "What do you fear? By this are you truly Fattened. You must embrace your Fears, as well as your Fat, and learn to Laugh as you consume them, along with Generous Portions of Simple Salad. Remember, as you stare into the lettuce, the lettuce stares also into you."
Curiously, for a 19th-century book, “Fat Is Dead” has a lot of modern dieting tropes, including water fasts, fiber supplements and an anti-Atkins hatred of carbohydrates.
Nietzsche also had the foresight to create recipe pamphlets — “Beyond Food And Evil;” “Human, All Too Fat A Human;” and “Swiss Steak Zarathustra.”3
I love this candy bar, which has the trademarked phrase “Swallow It Laughing!”
There are downsides to the Nietzschean diet, however:
"Those wishing to begin a diet, let alone a highly moralistic pre-Freudian diet, should consult with their physicians," Stearns said. "Otherwise, they run the risk of long-term health problems—not to mention the possibility of their diet being misinterpreted by a rabidly cuisinophobic nationalist sect and used to justify a world takeover by diet Nazis."
Area People doing Area Things
“Foster Mom A Cunt” remains one of the more shocking headlines I’ve ever read in The Onion. And you can draw a direct line from this headline to The Onion’s infamous Oscars tweet calling a 9-year-old that word in 2013.
I’ve occasionally argued that The Onion doesn’t just shape the culture; it’s also influenced by it. And this feels like a good example. This week, The Onion shreds a woman (but not her husband) for being a foster parent. Next week, on March 10, 2004, The Onion would publish the much-less critical “Cool Dad A Terrible Father.”
Note that the mother gets blamed for everything while the dad gets a pass. And yes, The Onion is mocking those cultural stereotypes. But is it also reinforcing them? Maybe not, but the juxtaposition of these articles gave me pause.
I do think this article is well-written. I like that it jumps between the foster parents calmly sharing their perspective and the angry 15-year-old who, understandably, feels ripped away from her home. This passage illustrates the tone:
"Put this away, clean this up, wash this," Wenc said. "That's all I ever hear."
As part of her weekly chores, Wenc has to keep both bathrooms clean, vacuum the living room, do her own laundry, and make dinner every single fucking Wednesday night.
"Kristen does a great job helping out around the house," the twat said. "She still has some bad habits she needs to break, but I can already see improvement in her attitude. All she needs is a little structure."
"Well, I have to admit that the past few days haven't been so good," added Talley, who should just go fuck herself. "I found some marijuana in her backpack and had to ground her. She's been stomping around the house mad ever since."
Also worth noting: The article mentions the real-life Lutheran Child And Family Services Of Illinois.
Other Area People items include:
“Kids In Bus Accident Mocked By Kids In Passing Bus” feels all too true.
I also liked “Even Business Card Trying Too Hard.” So much text on that card! I love how he lists his AOL Instant Messaging handle. I assume those phone numbers are real, but I didn’t dial any of them.
“Virulent Strain Of Soy Flu Traced To Single Tofurkey”: A very 2000s mocking of bird flu and tofu in the same item.
"To prevent further spreading of the disease, all tofurkeys in Northern California are being quarantined and destroyed."
“Crank Caller Keeps Jerking Local News Team Around”: Last week, The Onion mentioned the local Fox Problem Solvers. This week, it’s Channel 5 Action News in Plattsburgh, N.Y.4 They’ve been fooled by reports of Subway pitchman Jared Fogle and an escaped ape.
“Masters In Writing Fails To Create Master Of Writing”: This blurb mentions the writer’s website, jckessler.com, which was defunct in 2004 but now belongs to a real-life student.
“Texan Feels Emotionally Empty After Chili Cook-off”: This is a wildly inaccurate cultural parody, but I still laughed:
"Spend all year gittin' together the hottest, rootin'-tootinest, mule-kickinest chili this side of the Rio Grande, and whadya git fer yer troubles?" Gerber said Tuesday. "Shucks, you eat it and then you're all hat and no horse.”
Were the infographics good?
I vaguely remember “The New CPR,” probably because I’d learned the old CPR as a Boy Scout. These jokes are pretty good, and my favorites are the ones that play on tropes:
“With mouth free, rescuers now able to shout, ‘You bitch, you’ve never given up on anything in your life. Now fight!’ without interrupting aid.”
“CPR providers now required to conclude all failed attempts at revival with the somber reflection, ‘We did all we could.’”
I also like the joke about Eli Lilly getting a kickback.
“Where Are We Traveling To Find Ourselves?” has some “Eat, Pray, Love” energy despite preceding the book by 2 years.
The line about Nice and the Isle of Greece references the 1977 song by Charlene. And Carhenge is real — billed as “The Nebraska Answer to Stonehenge.”
What columnists ran?
Some of my favorite Onion columns are those that shine a light on the human psyche, even if it’s unflattering. Both of this week’s columns fit that bill.
In “You Are The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Who Will Sleep With Me,” columnist Phil Babcock knows his lot in life:
No one on this earth is more wonderful than you—excepting, of course, the various women more beautiful than yourself who are not willing to sleep with me. But those women are neither here nor there—or, rather, they are not here.
There’s nothing more romantic than the line “Let me shout it from the rooftops: You are the prettiest woman in my dating range!”
The column goes from there. Babcock hopes to find a hotter woman someday but isn’t optimistic.
Our other columnist is Ryan Meese. Like Babcock, he doesn’t want to fly too close to the sun. “As Departmental Manager, I Vow To Learn Each Of Your Names” is an uninspiring vow for a middle manager, but Meese seems to think this is a great service.
He even shares his plan for learning names:
Here's how I plan to go about my ambitious endeavor: I will make up mnemonic devices. For example, I will look at Ed over there and picture Ed as a sled. Why? Because "Ed" and "sled" rhyme. It's easier for me to remember a name if I can make up that little bit of wordplay that connects the name with some sort of fun image. Many of you will know the mnemonic device I've assigned you, because I'll be referring to you by it from here on out. Got that, Ed The Sled?
Mostly, Meese wants to learn people’s names so he can yell at them properly:
Once I know your name, I'll make you feel welcome, or I'll intimidate you, by using it every time I see you. I won't start working on learning your jobs until about a year from now, but I'll be able to acknowledge you the moment I enter a room.
In both columns, The Onion chooses not to attack the columnists but let them hang themselves. For example, Meese has no time for un-American names:
What is it, anyway? Huh? Karzi… Karzikonski? Karzonski? Karzonski. What is that, Polish? I'm going to have trouble with that one. I'm not too good with ethnic names. I'll just have to play a little game I call Ellis Island. In an affectionate way, I'll call you Zonski. Or Kar-Kar, if you'd prefer. That way, I can play off of "car." Slow down, Kar-Kar! Put the brakes on it, Kar-Kar. Kar-Kar it is.5
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Virgo for being way ahead of its time — combining modern-day social media insults from 2 very different groups of online gatekeepers:
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your search for deep meaning in a trite and mundane workaday world continues. Meanwhile, 3,000 people worldwide die of malaria every day, you simp.
What holds up best?
“You Are The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Who Will Sleep With Me” feels very modern, and that’s not necessarily a good thing.
“Masters In Writing Fails To Create Master Of Writing” also feels relevant still.
What holds up worst?
“Should The U.S. Help Haiti?” has mostly tired jokes about a crisis most of us don’t remember 20 years later.
What would be done differently today?
The Onion does it all in this issue: Covers real-life news while featuring fake “local” news in multiple formats — the front-page photos, the columnists, and the long-form articles about Nietschze and the foster mom.
I don’t know how much of this would survive today, but I wouldn’t change much. That said, “Foster Mom A Cunt” is still jarring. In 2024, I could see The Onion running the headline, perhaps, but not a 700-word article.
Thank you
Thank you for being here! Please share this newsletter with anyone you think might enjoy it. Next week, we’ll look at “Cool Dad A Terrible Father,” Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney and the latest celebrity gossip. Plus, Smoove B returns!
See you then!
On the other hand, every Jesuit priest I’ve known likes to think of themselves as slightly rebellious within the Church.
This slogan was replaced in 2006.
Referencing, of course, “Beyond Good and Evil,” “Human, All Too Human” and “Thus Spoke Zarathustra.”
In the late 2000s, I spent an evening at the Plattsburgh newspaper learning about new software my newspaper (owned by the same company) was soon adopting. I remember some of the highway signs being in French and English because Plattsburgh is so close to Canada.
The Onion played up Polish (and Chicago) stereotypes this week with “Polish Man That Landlord Sent Over Smashes Hammer Through Wall, Leaves.”