20 years ago, The Onion made fun of the iPod and The Berenstain Bears
We also have the California recall, the 2003 Northeast blackout, Bob Hope, Rx from Canada, "gay TV" and tips for public speaking.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Aug. 20, 2003.
I’m excited to revisit the 2003 Northeast blackout and the iPod. And I am apprehensive about discussing the item titled “Gay TV.” Let’s get started!
If you’re new, please subscribe!
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 32, the 159th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today. The 2003 archive has a Flash error distorting the page.
The front-page headlines “Blackout Survivors Tell Stories Of Harrowing Inconvenience” and “Hollywood Accessed” are no longer online.
Also not online are the top story — the big image of the California recall candidates — and “Public Speaking Tips.” Each has a URL, but the page is blank. I’ve used Internet Archive1 to recover those items for this newsletter.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
The Onion occasionally published a big infographic/visual on the front page, a la USA Today.2 There’s no story accompanying “California Recall,” much like 2002’s “Kevin Bacon Linked to Al-Qaeda” front-page banner.
I vaguely remember the 2003 recall as a free-for-all, with dozens of serious and unserious candidates. Turns out The Onion undersells the chaos — there were 135 candidates on the ballot!
Some of the candidates above are real. Arnold Schwarzenegger won, while Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante finished 2nd and Arianna Huffington was 5th.3
I appreciate the layout. The Onion starts with 2 front-runners before gradually getting sillier. Yes, Subway spokesman Jared Fogle and George Foreman weren’t real candidates, but they’re plausible — more so than actual candidate Gary Coleman! Having warmed us up, The Onion sprinkles in the absurd candidates (“A swordfish” is my favorite).
And finally, we have a mystery candidate: Dave Grayvis, trying to sneak in with a mustache a la former New York Mets manager Bobby Valentine.
Good for The Onion for regularly addressing a big national story but not taking it too seriously.
“Precocious 6-Year-Old Claims Berenstain Bears Book Changed Her Life” reminds me that it’s “stain,” not “stein,” and also has me wondering whether I read these books as a kid. Probably?
6-year-old Melody Johnson is really into these books, having moved on from Clifford the Big Red Dog. She’s an avid and boastful reader, we learn:
"I know lots of stuff I didn't ever know before," added Johnson, who first began reading at age 3 and three-quarters. "You can ask Mommy or Daddy or anyone at school."
Melody quotes the books in her day-to-day life, using them to scold her brother for a messy room and chastise a schoolmate for teasing too much. Melody’s parents are proud, but the kids seem less pleased.
One friend does love the Berenstain Bears, although she uses it to look down on Melody:
Added Bishop: "Melody found them first. But I think I understand them a little better. I'm like Sister Bear. She says something and I think, 'That's what I would say.'"
I am the wrong audience for this article, but I enjoyed it. The Onion gets the tone of a 6-year-old who can’t wait to tell you everything they’ve discovered.
I wonder whether the Berenstain Bears are still popular now. Apparently, they got more religious by 2010. Also, this is The Onion’s first Berenstain Bears reference since a single joke in March 2001.
2003 blackouts
“Blackout Survivors Tell Stories Of Harrowing Inconvenience” belies the significance of the 2003 Northeast blackout, which was the world’s 2nd-biggest ever. Thankfully, it was mostly short-lived, and so that’s why we remember it light-heartedly.
I was in Connecticut seeing the film “S.W.A.T,”4 which cut out during the credits. My friend and I thought was just a theater glitch. We get outside, and the traffic lights are out. The radio is out. Eventually, we figured out what was going on.
The Onion’s other blackout story is “Woman Assures Friend She Has Blackouts From Drinking All The Time,” which is much more serious than the Northeast blackout:
“O'Neill added that she just shakes off her frequent blackouts, as she does the occasional unplanned pregnancy.”
Politics in the news
Last week, I complained about the Malawi story. The Onion returned to Africa this week with a much-better effort: “U.N. Factoid-Finding Mission Discovers Liberia About The Size Of Tennessee.”
The Onion’s doing 2 smart things here: 1. Commenting on the crisis in Liberia without pretending to be experts. 2. Using the word “factoid” correctly.
At best, a factoid is trivial news; at worst, fictional. Here, we get a fun infographic with factoids about Liberian food, birds, the tallest mountain and that classic “what if the entire population held hands” anecdote. In a different context, these might be facts — Anthony Bourdain sampling the cuisine and discussing fu-fu, for example. But when talking about a violent civil war, these are factoids.
The article is full of silly pieces of information:
According to spokesman Ahmedou Ould Abdallah, the U.N. was "pretty surprised" by the team's report.
"I was completely unaware that, until 1999, Liberia had two different $1 bills: the JJ Roberts and the Liberty," Abdallah said. "I also didn't know that Liberian soccer player George Weah, named the World's Best Player in 1995, is known as the 'Lion King.'"
We also get facts from real-life diplomat Kenzo Oshima, although I couldn’t find evidence he was “a four-time Jeopardy winner”:
"Did you know… that last year, Liberia received 200 inches of rain?" Oshima added. "Oh, and watch out, because in Liberia, kissing is considered a dirty and disrespectful act."
As I said last week, who’s the target of the joke? Here, it’s clearly the United Nations, along with Americans’ love of nonsense trivia — not Liberia.
Other political stories include:
“Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder”: This is good wordplay!
“Canadian Prescription Drugs”: The Onion asked people about Big Pharma’s attempt to stop discounted prescriptions from Canada.5 I liked all the responses, including one about Dan Aykroyd, but this response really sums up Big Pharma’s reputation:
"As CEO of Abbott Laboratories, I think Americans should consider themselves lucky they're getting our medicine at all."
Jacob Harmon • CEO
Area People doing Area Things
“Woman Proud Of Horrible Tan” is crude and mean. But it makes more sense when you realize it’s largely making fun of Wisconsin, where The Onion was born.
This is mostly insult comedy, but some of the comparisons are quite creative:
"I guess you could call tanning an addiction for me," added Nielsen, crossing a leg that resembled a hot dog forgotten on a gas grill. "But I just can't stand to look like a ghost."
As I’ve mentioned many times, The Onion liked to talk to a fictional professor, therapist or doctor to explain social dysfunctions like this woman who tans an alarming amount (and drinks Diet Coke, lately stigmatized for aspartame). This is where we realize this is just an Upper Midwest burn, so to speak:
"People who live in cold regions are often beset with complexes over their climates," Rasmussen said. "Therefore, we see things like Wisconsinites who wear floral-print shorts during a brief snap of unseasonably warm February weather, and sorority sisters in Michigan whose keggers always seem to incorporate plastic leis and Wayfarer shades. Climate Overcompensation Syndrome results in the public nudity along mosquito-plagued Minnesota lakes, and the Key West screensaver popular with office workers in Illinois."
The front page had 2 small photos with headlines.
“Heroic Pants Enter 19th Day Of Continuous Duty” is a great headline, although I want an explanation!
“Skywriter Leaves Suicide Note” is less charming, although I guess it has a “died doing what he loved” vibe.
Other Area People items include:
“Bob Hope Happy To See So Many Troops In Heaven” is likely the 1st time The Onion mentions the death toll of U.S. soldiers in Iraq. And nice to see Hope again after his death at age 100!
“Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again”: 2 suicide-related items in 1 issue is not what I expected. This story is mostly about weird/creepy exes; the suicide hotline just happens to be the humorous setting.
“Criminal Mad That Man Called The Cops On Him”: This criminal is trying to break into a Radio Shack (RIP) and is mad because he was targeting a store, not the 911 caller. This feels like a grenade you could throw into any 2023 discussion about retail theft and/or crime.
Were the infographics good?
Besides the Liberia infographic, we have two illustrations and one list of tips. “Top Regional Restaurant Chains” intrigues me. I tend to think that most brands are tiny or national, with no in-between, but then I immediately think of chains like Jack in the Box and Waffle House that have resisted 50-state expansion.
I don’t find the “Scrapplebee’s” joke/image particularly funny, but the other jokes are solid. “Captain Donut’s Steakhouse” sounds great, and we kind of have that in D.C. with a place called Astro Doughnuts & Fried Chicken.
“Gay TV” is a tough read 20 years later for a few reasons. The novelty factor is gone — this could be the greatest set of jokes in the world, but it would have landed better when people were amazed by gay-themed TV.
But it’s not the best collection of jokes or word choices. Almost everything The Onion did in the early 2000s about anything gay-related suffers from these 2 problems. That’s somewhat unavoidable — even clever Onion jokes about Web 1.0 or flip phones can feel clunky today.
Finally, some jokes fall short because of advancing technology — “Homosexuals not so intimidating when they’re only 22” tall” doesn’t make sense because no one’s screen is that size in 2023! It’s either 60+ inches or it’s tablet/phone-sized.
Finally, “Public Speaking Tips”6 is a mixed bag, which is understandable when you have 13 jokes. There are references to President George W. Bush and “Weird Al” Yankovic, as well as this timeless advice for any political candidate:
Structure your speech to include a strong opening, a memorable conclusion, and at least six references to your wife sitting in the front row.
I also enjoyed this old-timey tip — kind of a ladies’ version of Dale Carnegie?
Remember, girls: Pear-shaped vowels, crisp consonants. Inhale through the nose, delivering the air to the diaphragm. Exhale in a graceful, circular movement. (This tip courtesy of Miss Eleanor Carlton, headmistress of Miss Carlton's Finishing Academy For Exemplary Young Women, established 1932.)
What columnists ran?
“I Have An iPod--In My Mind” is such a 2003 article! I love the iPod, by the way — it might be the most important Apple product ever. Our columnist has no such need, however, because he uses the powerful of his mind (and a superhuman memory):
Easy downloads? You don't know the meaning of the word "easy." And I don't have to know the meaning of the word "download." You may get MP3s off the Internet, you smug scenester, but I can get music off the television, the radio, even a passing ice-cream truck. If I don't want to waste the memory space on a high-fidelity copy, I just don't pay very close attention. Now, that's what I call convenience.
Look, we all love the power of the mind. But this guy is simultaneously cheerful about human potential and also the world’s biggest Luddite:
Even so, my mind has features your iPod will never have. Does your iPod have real-time remixing? No?! Well, if I don't like the original lyrics to Kansas' "Carry On Wayward Son"—zip, zip, zing—my mind can change them! Adding a cool bass line or a rocking keyboard flourish to any piece of music? No problem! Adding images of myself performing on stage with the band? Done!
I only wish I could use “Zip, zip, zing” in a conversation and sound natural.
Our other columnist is not nearly as fun. In fact, that’s his calling card: “I'm Not One Of Those People Who Goes Around Having Fun.” He’s serious about work — and well, really, everything, to the point of having no time to sign a card for a co-worker.
I also enjoy how his idea of bad “fun” is a magazine that’s not black and white! How dangerous does all this sound?!
Why spend time frivolously when there are tasks and problems in the world? If everyone thought that having fun was a worthwhile endeavor, nothing of import would ever be accomplished. Everyone would be playing games or appreciating music or reading glossy four-color magazines. Meanwhile, the whole world would fall apart. Well, I won't be party to the downfall of mankind through wanton acts of indiscreet enjoyment.
This column works because the guy’s not completely off-base — sometimes, we need to be serious. He just has no off-switch.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Gemini because it’s the 2nd consecutive week The Onion mentioned pancakes!
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will learn that he whom the gods would destroy, the gods first treat to a whole bunch of delicious pancakes.
Honorable mention to Scorpio for somehow using the phrase “goat porn” in a sentence that makes sense.
What holds up best?
The 2003 California recall was a weird, wild time, and The Onion did a great job conveying that with the big front-page illustration.
The public speaking jokes still hold up (mostly) for me. After all, public speaking is a lucrative gig!
What holds up worst?
Besides “Gay TV”?
I thought the phrase “sun-raped” in “Woman Proud Of Horrible Tan” was a typo, that’s how surprised I was to see it.
What would be done differently today?
I would love to see a different version of the iPod column, although I don’t know what technology is beloved today in the way the iPod was.
The Onion was affected by the 2003 blackout, being based in New York City. There’d be more jokes about such a blackout today because they wouldn’t have to wait a week or 2 to publish material.
Thank you
Grateful to have y’all here. Next week, The Onion recognizes that reality TV stars will make a living … just doing reality TV. We also revisit Burning Man, the old-timey practice of personals ads, plus the Supreme Court ruling about the Ten Commandments monument in Alabama. See you next week!
The Internet Archive has been targeted by Big Media in recent months, a la the early 2000s battles around Napster, Kazaa, etc. While I’m no legal expert and can’t speak to Internet Archive’s actions alleged by these suits, they do good work. I rely heavily on this site for research, and I hope they aren’t driven out of existence by all this.
This USA Today retrospective from 2022 offers great visual examples of what The Onion was often satirizing.
Other real candidates included former baseball Commissioner Peter Ueberroth (6th despite dropping out in September), Hustler founder Larry Flynt (7th) and Gary Coleman (8th). The full results are here.
“S.W.A.T.” stars Samuel L. Jackson, Colin Farrell, LL Cool J, Michelle Rodriguez, Jeremy Renner and, strangely, Josh Charles. Great cast, mediocre film. We just liked seeing matinees in the summer!
This was a few months before Congress passed the law establishing Medicare Part D.
For real public speaking tips, I published many articles about presentations in a previous job from Stephanie Scotti. She’s very thoughtful and has a long track record.