20 years ago, The Onion blamed stupidity in Area Death

Let's make fun of advertising, metalhead-goth love, having just one beer, President Bush, Memorial Day, filibusters and more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit May 25, 2005.

Happy early Memorial Day, everyone! The Onion also marked the holiday, as we’ll see below. I’m excited to revisit this issue, which features several underappreciated Onion takes on the human condition.

ICYMI, this newsletter was cited in a Reason magazine article about The Onion’s rise, fall and rise again. We were not cited in this Vanity Fair interview of Onion CEO Ben Collins.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 21, the 243rd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005 and today. The 2015 issue page has no archive, although it probably looked like this December 2014 version.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

The front-page headlines “Origami Bird Poached For Scrap Paper” and “Lower Class Dismissed” are no longer online. The origami headline was mentioned in an October 2013 blog post (you might need to scroll down) by a longtime blogger who kept writing until his death in late 2021.

The 2005 website had a few web-only items, although none were original material:

• A now-broken link for the Onion Radio version of “Area Man Installs Flash”

• A slide show titled “Scientific Breakthroughs” featuring old headlines

• An “Onion Lifestyle Guide” that links to a few stories

• A plug for the April 28, 1999, issue.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

An NAB billboard in Raleigh, NC.

“National Advertising Board Launches 'Advertising: Get The Message!' Campaign” is not quite as ludicrous as it sounds. Every industry needs to advertise and market itself — even the advertising and marketing industries!

A few pieces of background information:

• There’s no industry group called the National Advertising Board, although it’s likely parodying such groups as 4A’s, IAB, the Ad Council and the BBB’s National Advertising Division.

• The real-life NAB represents TV and radio broadcasters.

• The Onion is parodying advertising on multiple levels, including its own dependence on print and web advertising.

• The “Business Watch” graphic mocks newspapers that created logos for coverage areas, or “beats.” The Onion often used such logos when citing a medical study or industry report.

In this article, the advertising industry runs ads to make sure consumers pay attention to their other ads!

A print ad appearing in 15 leading women’s magazines this month reads, “Whether you need a new, improved detergent with stain-dissolving power or a low-interest equity loan for making home improvements, advertising can help. Why not look at some advertising today?”

The new campaign targeted American males, as well.

“You’re a man,” an advertisement in Men’s Health read. “Take your life into your own hands—with advertising. If you’re looking for sporting goods, hair products, or pornography, ads will bring you closer to your goal. Advertising—get the message!”

While the article focuses on print advertising, the messaging is timeless. The advertising industry will always play up its importance and innovation, all while using stupid buzzwords:

“Advertising livens up television programs and brightens magazines, neither of which would exist without advertising,” Williamson wrote. “Innovative advertising forms like the magalogue, the infomercial, and advertainment are breathing new life into the industry. If you’re hungry for information or looking for a quick laugh, look no further than advertising.”

The other joke involving brands is “Palmolive Attacks Dawn For Coddling Grease,” which would be familiar to many Americans for the famous catchphrases “tough on grease" (Palmolive) and “takes grease out of your way” (used by Dawn as far back as the 1970s).

The Onion accidentally got this right — in 2025, Palmolive still uses “tough on grease,” but Dawn’s website has switched to the tougher-sounding “the better grease getter.”

The Onion checks in on politics

“Bush Caught In One Of His Own Terror Traps” succeeds as a photo-only joke, showing President George W. Bush as a Wile E. Coyote-esque character foiled by what appear to be cooking implements.

Also 20 years ago, “Congressional Filibusters” were in the news, with the “Gang of 14” preserving (temporarily) the Senate filibuster for judicial nominees.² The Onion asked people what they thought of this legislative tactic.

My favorite response is cut off on today’s website but visible on the 2005 archive:

"The filibuster, eh? That reminds me of the baking-powder biscuits my dear old grandmother used to make. First, she'd take shortening... Now, keep in mind, the more shortening you use, the flakier the biscuits will be. My, all of us kids used to love these biscuits. The secret is to not over-knead the dough, because it makes the biscuits tough, and nobody likes tough biscuits. If you sprinkle a little..."

Timothy Landry • Systems Analyst

Area People doing Area Things

The scene of the idiotic accident.

All the long-form articles are excellent this week. Let’s start with “Investigators Blame Stupidity In Area Death,” which feels like a spiritual successor to 2000’s “Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids.”

The Onion’s motto is “Tu Stultus Es,” which means “You are dumb.”³ This article about a one-car Arkansas fatality fully embodies the phrase:

“We’re fairly positive the deceased was operating under the influence of being an unbelievable dumbass,” forensic investigator Evan Lawrence told reporters at the scene, a stretch of road littered with SUV parts, beer cans, food containers, fishing equipment, and pornography. “I mean, we’re not saying alcohol, fatigue, poor vehicle maintenance, and driver error didn’t play their parts—but mainly, that driver was a goddamn dipshit.”

The brilliance of this tragic story is the sheer number of details, all of which further reveal the driver’s stupidity:

A 25-page accident report released to the press Tuesday contained such details as “leg hooked through steering wheel so driver could use both hands to light cigarette,””handgun case slid under brake pedal, preventing it from being adequately engaged,” and “carotid artery lacerated by bottle-opener bolted to dashboard.”

The “bone-stick-stone stupid” driver was found holding a bottle of Everclear and an electric nose hair trimmer — all while attempting to outrun a train.

Halloway and Richardson, who overcame odds to find love.

“Goth, Metalhead Overcome Subcultural Differences To Find Love” is a very 2005 look at the goth and metalhead scenes, with metalhead Rick Halloway and “Goth for life” Danielle Richardson initially bonding over Danzig.

Halloway’s favorite musicians include Pantera singer Phil Anselmo and the bands Sepultura and Mastodon, which normally would make him a poor match for Richardson. Their taste in movies and fashion were also obstacles:

“I asked her what she was going to see—I think it was that gay-ass Blade: Trinity movie,” Halloway said. “Danielle was wearing this weird black lacy thing. I like women who wear black, but usually it’s leather with studs. But something about her made me wait for her after my movie got out. I’m so glad I did.”

We don’t learn much about Richardson’s likes, but neither friend group is happy. Her friend Valerie Brasher says:

“Danielle will always be very dear to me, but I can’t support that relationship,” Brasher added. “Once, I suggested that Rick wax his goatee into a tapered, devilish point and he told me to keep my pale-ass freak hands to myself. I mean, talk about your typical close-minded metalhead vulgarian behavior.”

I love how the couple has only been together for 3 months, although that’s an eternity compared with October 2004’s “Happy One-Week Anniversary, Sweetheart!”

I listen to a lot of music and attend a lot of shows, but I don’t care about genre distinctions. So I’m curious whether y’all feel this article was accurate in 2005, much less today. For example, while I love Mastodon, they’re now considered more of a “pop-metal band,” to quote former A.V. Club editor Steven Hyden.

Speaking of metal, in November, we’ll revisit “Metal Council Convenes To Discuss 'Metal Hand Sign' Abuse.”

Left: Flemming (left) shares "one quick beer" with his friend Galveston. Right: Flemming finishes "one last beer" before leaving the bar.

Our last longform article is the properly punctuated “Having-One-Beer Plan Goes Awry,” which is one of those timeless human-interest stories.

The article is set in Ypsilanti, Mich., an occasional punching bag for The Onion in the 2000s. And while the joke is pretty simple — 20-somethings binge drinking, perhaps signaling a bigger problem — I appreciate the details:

• The photos show Keith Flemming has had ~10 beers to his friend’s 2.

• Flemming’s job is “sales representative for a boutique food packager,” and he had to do inventory the next morning.

• Flemming’s “one beer” plan is interrupted by his friend ordering while he’s in the bathroom, Flemming buying a round for a new arrival, that friend buying him a round, and being cajoled into shots.

• Why are an Onion reporter and photographer following Flemming around? I love this logic.

Other Area People jokes include:

• “State Champs Erect Triumphal Arch”: This is an impressive monument!

• “Thousands Dead In Wake Of Low-Carbon Diet”: There’s so much 2000s pop culture here — the low-carb diet craze, Oprah elevating a dubious book (“Dr. Wesley’s Elemental Dieting”) and the mainstreaming of global warming concerns.

• “Alternative Training School For Dogs De-Emphasizes Obedience”: This barely feels like parody, especially when set in California:

  • “Dogs that mess on the carpet or bark incessantly are not scolded, but praised for finding their own parameters. Our motto is ’If it feels good, chew it.’”

• “Cocky Attempt To Operate ATM In Spanish Backfires”: I love this joke, even if it’s somewhat dated. The “ate my card” line feels very 20th century.

• “Former Addict Celebrates 10th Year Of Mind-Numbing Boredom”: Maybe this is why the “One-Beer-Plan” guy keeps drinking?

Were the infographics good?

“Memorial Day” is a solid mix of generic Memorial Day jokes and some mid-2000s topical jokes like “Awaiting orders to get the hell out of Iraq” and “Taking a moment to remember the brave men who gave their lives in the Indianapolis 500.”

“Meeting little Lolitas on the Internet during feds' day off” feels like a follow-up to 2003’s “Undercover Agents Talking To Each Other In 'Under 12' Chatroom” — and maybe slightly dated, as it feels like a 1990s AOL joke.

We also have the front-page infographic “What Are We Drawing Strength From?” I like the “Popeye” referencing in the illustration.

All of these jokes are literal answers to the question, each answering a different definition of “strength.” My favorite is “Four-song Thin Lizzy rock-block” because that feels like the most Jim Anchower answer.

What columnists ran?

“This Milk Is Expired When I Say It Is” is such a good sentence. The premise is a father ordering his daughter to drink her milk at dinner so she grows up strong — except that he refuses to accept that the milk is obviously spoiled:

Let me see that. Look, the expiration date is only six days ago. What could possibly go wrong in six days? That’s not even a week. Besides, you had this with your cereal Saturday morning, and you’re perfectly fine. As I remember, you had seconds.

Now you listen to me, young lady. That milk is not yellow—it’s off-white. What difference does the color make, anyway? It’s not like you have eyes on the inside of your mouth. What? Let me see. I don’t smell anything. Besides, if you drink it, you won’t have to smell it anymore.

Why? Because I said.

Our columnist argues that expiration dates are guidelines and that, by tradition, the family has always questioned expiration dates.

We also get a classic man vs. technology debate:

What are you going to listen to, a mechanical stamp on a carton or your own flesh and blood? I’m your father, and as your father, I’m telling you that the milk is good.

I won’t spoil the ending, pun intended.

Our other columnist today is Jean Teasdale, who’s been busy of late helping his eccentric father start his year-round Santa business. “Snowball In Hell” suggests that’s not going so well:

“I’ve had lot of businesses fail,” Dad said yesterday. “But those businesses were failures on paper, not due to a lack of customers. Never has one been so dead.”

Jean is perplexed, and a bit upset that people aren’t as wholesome as she imagined:

I don’t get it. We’ve made Santa Claus’ lap available seven days a week, 365 days a year, but no one seems to care! You’d think, what with the war, that people would be chomping at the bit for a little whimsy and delight! True, we’re located in a dilapidated strip mall in a seedy part of town, but people have cars, don’t they? I suppose if we hung signs saying “Swear With Santa!” or “Watch Porn With Santa!” the line would stretch around the block. Well, Dad and I discussed it, and we refuse to stoop to that level.

I love that Jean and her father actually discussed “Watch Porn With Santa.”

Longtime Jean fans might remember 2001’s “With Friends Like These…” where college students claim to like her column but are secretly mocking it. Well … that happens again, especially after Jean creates a giant snowball costume to wear.

Jean will take these teens’ money, but she’s not happy about it.

I don’t like to judge, but some of these kids who come in look like Marilyn Manson, that singer who wants to kill everybody. It sort of reminds me of that old Munsters episode where the beatniks have a party at the Munsters’ house.⁴ And I’m sorry, but Dad and I are not the monstrous ones here!

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Gemini, for this hidden Iraq war joke:

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Your outspoken criticism of your superiors will lead to your transfer to a combat posting in the Middle East, something you didn't know the manager of an auto-parts store had the authority to do.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“Having-One-Beer Plan Goes Awry” feels timeless, not just a human-interest story but also as a plot device for movies and TV shows.

I also love “Origami Bird Poached For Scrap Paper,” even if people probably don’t scribble things on scrap paper as much these days.

What holds up worst?

Would The Onion have Jean Teasdale debating aloud whether to call people “mentally disabled” or variations of the R-word? Not unless Jean was adopting the personality of a 2025-era X shitposter.

Jean’s among the few old-time columnists featured in the new print issues, but obviously, some things have changed.

What would be done differently today?

As usual, there’d be more politics and reactions to recent news. For example, The Onion sent me an email this morning highlighting “Trump Shares Own Experiences As Victim Of White Genocide.”

I talk about which jokes hold up 20 years later, but the “Memorial Day” infographic features a rare occurrence: The innocuous phrase that becomes a punchline over time. That’s the case with “Putting in a free day at the office, because that's the sort of thing that makes America great” — where “makes America great” has a very different connotation nowadays.

The Onion can make fun of anything it wants, but I wonder whether it would make this type of horoscopes joke today:

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You're someone who calls 'em like he sees 'em, which is a problem for a constantly hallucinating stutterer like yourself.

Thank you

Thank you for being here! Please keep liking and sharing the newsletter, leaving comments and emailing me — it’s a big help. I’m grateful I can help you rediscover The Onion’s rich past.

See you next week, where we revisit Camp Snoopy, daytime TV judges, self-storage facilities, “Napoleon Dynamite” and the early days of “green” products.

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. We recently saw Sen. Cory Booker conduct an old-fashioned filibuster, breaking the record held by longtime Onion favorite Sen. Strom Thurmond.

3. This 2024 interview with head writer Mike Gillis explores The Onion’s philosophy on mocking what is “dumb.”

4. That “Munsters” episode is from 1965!