20 years ago, The Onion celebrated Strom Thurmond's 100th birthday
We also have advice for using your video camera, a mom unhappy with restaurant prices, that guy who corrects people's pronunciation and a scandal involving Miss Nude America.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 11, 2002.
Last week’s issue brought forth a wonderful comment about an old web forum I linked to. Let’s take a moment to praise web forums — so much of the early Internet is preserved there. I rely on them heavily in my research with this column, along with Internet Archive.
Next week will be the last recap of 2022. The Onion took the holidays off from new material until mid-January 2003. I’ll talk more about the schedule next week.
If you’re new here, please sign up!
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 46, the 128th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.
2 very good front-page headlines are no longer online:
“Cleveland Browns Punter Endorses Cleveland Metro Bus Pass”
“Killer Kinda Cute”: Is this the title of a true-crime podcast?
As I noted last week, “Video-Camera Tips” published Dec. 11, 2002, but today is mistakenly labeled as Dec. 4.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Today, we say goodbye to a 1990s Onion legend, Strom Thurmond. He didn’t die until 2003, but this is a last hurrah for one of The Onion’s favorite public figures (along with Bill Clinton).
This issue was fun to revisit. There were headlines I fondly remembered. The “local” articles are fantastic. I even enjoyed the silly headline “Crocodile Hunter The Same Way In Bed.”
But the top story is … not great.
Let me explain why I don’t like “Mall Of Central America Looted On Opening Day.” When I say this is a lazy joke, I do not mean this simply as a political remark.
I do think it’s lazy in that way — few of us have any real understanding about Central America’s many countries and cultures. And, weirdly, The Onion’s taking the easy way out by making fun of the (mostly imaginary) region of Central America. It’s plausible deniability — “we’re not making fun of Honduras or El Salvador or anywhere else, we’re just making fun of the region’s stereotypes that, um, aren’t related!”
But it’s also a lazy joke because anyone could write it. It’s just a Mall of America parody with generic Third World jokes. This isn’t the humor that sets apart The Onion from the pretenders.
Anyways, in this article, the Mall of Central America officially opens at 9 a.m. in Honduras with a performance by singer Luis Miguel, but 40 minutes later, JCPenney has been commandeered and people have fled into Rainforest Cafe.
"Just after 11 a.m., machine-gun-toting marauders flooded in from the northern section of the underground parking lot and descended on JCPenney, demanding keys to the safe," mall security guard Carlos Acevedo said. "When menswear clerks refused, they fired machine guns in the air and spread out. Within minutes, they had moved to other areas of the mall, taking Camp Snoopy by force and eventually advancing their line to include all of LEGOLand."
Look, I like that they brought over Camp Snoopy from the real-life Mall of America1. We also explore the nostalgia of so many 2000s-era mall stores — Sbarro, Build-a-Bear, TCBY, Sam Goody’s, Macy’s and Eddie Bauer.
I also like that the mall developers are blissfully unconcerned with the opening. All they see is economic opportunity, like any great American business does:
"We built the mall because our research indicated this area was extremely under-retailed," Manning said. "The average U.S. city has 18 square feet of retail space per person, compared to 1.2 here in Honduras. And talk about a customer base: El Salvador, Guatemala, and Costa Rica are the three most densely populated countries in the entire Western Hemisphere."
While I enjoy the rich detail and the quotes, this is an article built on stereotypes — cultural and comedy-related. (Also, that Photoshopping above didn’t age well.)
Even if we put all that aside, who cares about malls in 2022? Literally zero indoor malls opened in the U.S. from 2006 until 2019’s American Dream mall (ironically, owned by the Mall of America’s owners!). Malls are so 20th century.
Checking in on U.S. politics
The Dec. 11, 2002, issue was special for The Onion because just 6 days earlier, outgoing U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond turned 100. Let me pause to note that he was a long-standing segregationist who won 4 states on a splinter ticket in 1948(!), filibustered the 1957 civil rights bill the old-fashioned way and covered up a secret child for decades.
But for The Onion, he was all those things and an early iteration of Onion Joe Biden, albeit more senile.2 Here’s the Strom archive.
It’s not like The Onion went easy on him — he’s portrayed as a doddering idiot3 who’s often explicitly racist. But The Onion wasn’t around in 1957 to really go after him, so this would have to do.
The last joke in “Strom Turns 100”— “died” — is a common Onion trope, so I’m glad to see it. I also can imagine George W. Bush pretending to be Dwight D. Eisenhower just to placate Strom.
“Blew out 100 burning crosses on a cake” is about as hard as The Onion ever went at Strom.
The Onion also mentioned President George W. Bush in the front-page headline “Bush Gives France 30 Days To Speak English.” Not a great joke, but I’ll always chuckle at a joke about the French.
What were God and his priests doing?
“God Late for Local Wedding” delights me as a former Catholic altar boy. Besides Sunday Mass, I used to serve at weddings for a meager but helpful amount of cash.
Why am I telling you this? God is late to a Roman Catholic wedding, which contain a full Mass and the wedding ceremony.
"The Catholics go through everything at a wedding," God said. "There's a sermon and readings and even Communion. With the songs and the procession and the 'I do' stuff thrown in there, it takes so long. And the whole time, it's stand, sit, kneel, stand, sing, recite, sit, stand, sing, kneel, sit."
God likes to blame other people and dodge his own responsibilities. It’s not his fault he’s late; it’s the couple’s poor directions.
Longtime Onion readers will notice the photo of God that’s used in every Onion story (even in 2022!).
The Onion also asked people on the street about the rumors of “Chapter 11 For Boston Archdiocese?” because of the sex abuse scandals. In real life, the Catholic archdiocese didn’t file for bankruptcy. It sold off assets to pay its bills, basically fulfilling this quote:
"That's going to be one hell of a yard sale."
Rich Massena • Developer
Area People doing Area Things
Why am I more generous to “Nation Afraid To Admit 9-Year-Old Disabled Poet Really Bad” than the story about the Mall of Central America? Well, it’s about who’s being made fun of.
Yes, The Onion isn’t exactly praising 9-year-old poet Luke Petrowski, who suffers from a rare disease but also inspires with his poetry. But Luke is fictional, so we don’t have to feel bad for anyone. Secondly, the mockery is aimed at these adults who are too afraid to be honest.
You can empathize and support this boy without pretending Luke is the next Robert Frost, but that would require going against the crowd. This article isn’t quite “The Emperor Has No Clothes,” but it’s in the neighborhood.
"I don't consider myself some bitter, cynical crank who can't appreciate sincere sentiment," [anonymous bookstore employee] Veronica said. "But the unrelenting cheerfulness is a bit much. When I read one of these Hopeweavings poems, I want to open my shirt collar and go out for air. God is always near, children are always special, and the sun is forever shining. I feel like somebody's cramming a rainbow down my throat."
The Onion includes 3 different poems in this article, including the photo above. I’m no poetry expert, but yeah … it’s not great. And he has 9 books! What is he, John Grisham?
“Area Mom Could Have Made Same Meal At Home For Much Cheaper” is a classic tale, although more from a long-ago housewife era4. Mom of 2 Sandy Wiersma is bothered by the prices, especially because she can make all these dishes at home.
Sandy complains about what the kids ordered (cheeseburger and fries and a grilled cheese), saying she "could make a grilled cheese at home for two weeks straight for what they're charging."
The husband, Bob, has learned a valuable lesson:
"Next time, we'll go to a foreign place and try to pass it off as a 'family-enrichment night,'" Bob said. "There's a Chi-Chi's over in Downers Grove I've always wanted to go to, and I'm pretty sure Sandy doesn't know how to make Mexican, so it should be a more relaxed evening for us all."
Sandy is also reluctant to let the kids buy Halloween costumes because she can make better ones. This results in the kids going as California Raisins every year.
I’ll leave you with this shocking depiction of food prices, which we can despair at in this era of 15-20% food inflation:
"It just seems so wasteful," Sandy said. "My chicken parmesan was $12.95, and I could have easily made it for the entire family for under $10. I could have picked up two nice chicken breasts at the Jewel for $5 and cut each one in half, making four servings. A good jar of tomato sauce would be $3, tops, and a 16-ounce box of pasta you can get for next to nothing. And I think I have everything I'd need for breading the chicken just sitting in the cupboard."
I really liked this week’s batch of short articles (the News in Brief). They include:
“Area Man Lives To Correct Pronunciation”: A classic story of that annoying know-it-all. I am horrible at guessing pronunciations, especially of words I’ve read for years but have never heard aloud.
“Zagat Editor A 'Nice Guy' But 'Kind Of Boring’”: Written like an old Zagat review: “'Well-heeled' 'outgoing' man offers pleasant-enough company but 'loves to talk about self' and 'blows half his jokes,' reviewers said of the 35-year-old Dantley, located on East 81st Street near Third Avenue.”
“Conjoined Twin Hogging Kidney”: Two late-20s men complaining about their middle kidney. Almost certainly the weirdest thing in this issue.
“Miss Nude America Loses Title After Appearing Clothed In Woman's Day”: Vanessa Williams lost her Miss America title in 1984 for nude pictures, and we were still joking about this in 2002?! Also, Miss Nude America is named Tawny Bridges.
“Defiant Customers Refuse To Return Recalled Crib”: These parents seem more upset about assembling another crib than risking their kids’ lives in the current cribs. Parenting is hard!
“Country Music Protested In Restaurant's Kitchen”: I’m just happy a restaurant has a radio on instead of corporate-approved music blasting 24/7. I was recently at an airport in the early a.m. and the songs were at full blast. No one needs that.
Were the infographics good?
“Least-Responsible Birth-Control Methods” has a different feel in the post-Roe v. Wade era? Also, this is a tremendously NSFW illustration. Beware before you scroll.
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Look, I like these jokes. But my God, are they immature!
“Yelling ‘No baby, no baby, no baby!’” really makes me laugh. And I’m sure Coca-Cola is thrilled at the product placement.
There was also “Video-Camera Tips,” which is incredibly quaint. Remember, the iPhone was almost 5 years into the future. But look at that camcorder — still so gigantic, even if much smaller than the ones my parents had in the 1980s and 1990s.
Some of these jokes still work in 2022 when everything is Instagrammed and livestreamed and shared with the Chinese government on TikTok. Such as:
An important rule of thumb for the video-camera novice is that everybody in the world wants to see your toddler gorge on a slice of cake.
Remember: You won't always get that perfect shot on the first try. Don't be afraid to ask the abusive, racist policeman to take it from the top.
Endless footage of your cat wandering away from the camera while you shout its name and try unsuccessfully to get it to look at the camera is sure to delight friends and relatives.
What columnists ran?
“I Didn't Mean To Lead You On By Fucking You” is a headline I fondly remember. It’s a fantastic twist on a common phrase. But I couldn’t remember if the column itself was good.
The column is written by a man, Len Foster Jr., who apologizes for his misleading (graphically described) foreplay and coitus. He’s dumbfounded that the woman, Lisa, would be contacting him after a one-night stand. So, Len is both very perceptive and entirely clueless.
He proceeds by patronizing Lisa by suggesting she hasn’t been with enough men to grasp the tell-tale signals of disinterest:
And it's a universally understood notion that when, after climax, a man gets up to go to the bathroom, then goes back to bed and falls asleep with his body turned facing the wall, he's not interested in pursuing anything with the woman.
The column takes a darker turn in the 2nd half when Len shows he’s mostly an egomaniac. That women didn’t reject his advances on the bus — she was merely teasing! Lisa’s not his type, even though he slept with her! When Lisa argues that she resembles Len’s description of his ideal woman, he responds:
But, Lisa, you're not tall and long-torsoed. Five-feet-nine is not considered tall for a woman. Perhaps in Asia.
So, yeah. I still really love the headline. And the article is well-done and ages well in many ways, including this guy’s approach to life. But it’s not as fun to share as I hoped.
Our other column is “Oh My God, I Am So Totally Not A Fully Developed Person.” This is a discussion of Carl Jung but from the dialogue of a Valley Girl, I guess?
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed reading this. And I learned so much about Jung!
It's like Jung says. He's all, like, the primary task of a human is fulfillment through the process of individuation and the establishment of harmony of the conscious and unconscious. That's what totally makes a person, like, whole. Except for me. I'm so not my own person, it's not even funny.
God, I can't believe I even have to say this because it's, like, so obvious. You know how individuation is, like, determination or contraction of a general nature to an individual mode of existence? How it's, like, the emergence of the individual self from the general? Well, that is so ridiculously not me, you know?
The insertion of “like” is a fun joke. But don’t we all talk this way nowadays? The joke’s less powerful now that we all add filler words to our speech.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Libra. This is a throwaway joke, yes. But you know The Onion’s staff was comfortably settled in New York City when they start making fun of Los Angeles.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
What holds up best?
So much of this issue feels ancient, even when funny. Honestly, the most timeless jokes might be the 2 front-page headlines.
“Killer Kinda Cute” connects on 3 levels: Stockholm syndrome (or our mistaken perceptions of it), the Lifetime movie craze and today’s grim obsession with serial killers.
On a more pleasant note, athletes have lots of local endorsements. “Cleveland Browns Punter Endorses Cleveland Metro Bus Pass” could actually happen. Please make this a reality, Cleveland.
What holds up worst?
I’ve already complained enough about “Mall Of Central America Looted On Opening Day.”
What would be done differently today?
I talk a lot about how network TV dominated American culture in the early 2000s, yet today it’s almost disappeared.
I say that, and yet in December 2022, what is the top story on The Onion’s website? “ABC Reveals All ‘GMA’ Anchors Have Been Castrated.”
Thanks to my friend Anna for revealing this week that Good Morning America not only has a 3rd hour with 2 people I’d never heard of, but also that they’re having an affair.
Otherwise, as usual, today’s Onion has more real-life commentary. Take away some of 2002’s local stories and swap in jokes about Elon Musk, Brittney Griner, the New York Times strike, etc.
Thank you
We’ll see you next week for the last recap of 2022!
The Mall of America’s Camp Snoopy closed in 2006.
The Onion brought Strom into a Joe Biden story in September 2002. And in real life, Biden GAVE THE EULOGY at Strom’s funeral.
Thurmond became frail in later years but was considered mentally sharp. The Onion’s jokes about him stand in contrast to the mocking they’re giving Dianne Feinstein, who really has declined cognitively.
Only 23% of mothers stayed at home in 1999 (and only 49% in 1967, which was interesting to learn).
Thanks, James, for another well-thought-out look back. “No Baby!” cracked me up too!
After a shooting there in the 90’s, Camp Snoopy was charmingly referred to by the locals as “Camp Shoot-Me” and “Camp Sniper”.