20 years ago, The Onion made fun of presidents and Robert Mueller

Plus: Froot Loops are praised, and Onion columnist Jean Teasdale dresses a baby in a clown outfit.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 4, 2002.

We’re back after a week off. The Onion did publish a print issue at the end of November 2002, but it was a collection of old stories. You can see the front page (and order a copy!) at this website.

This week, we have a lot of real-life mentions — Robert Mueller, U.S. presidents, Kurt Cobain and, for some reason, a local news broadcaster in Pennsylvania.

We’re almost done with 2002’s re-reviews — just 2 more issues after this one. Glad to have y’all along for the ride. If you’re new here, please sign up!

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 38, Issue 45, the 127th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.

The wonderfully quaint “Video-Camera Tips” is listed on today’s website as publishing Dec. 4, 2002, but it actually published Dec. 11, 2002. We’ll talk about that in the next issue.¹

The front-page headline “Ten Pounds Of Phlegm Audibly Rearranged In Burger King Customer's Chest” is no longer online. Disturbing imagery. Also, why are Burger King customers inherently more phlegmy?

What was the top story, and other impressions?

The Onion makes fun of everyone, but it's not politically neutral, and not every politician is treated the same.² Just look at Vice President Joe Biden! But I think that’s OK — The Onion is run by humans with opinions.

One thing that has helped The Onion successfully make fun of politics, however, is its willingness to skewer almost every group, including politicians, the media, experts and the general public.

Sometimes all four get made fun, like in “Report: Presidents Washington Through Bush May Have Lied About Key Matters.”

This is not the hardest-hitting Onion political story, but it does point out society’s hypocrisy in venerating politicians — especially ex-presidents. (Even in recent years, ex-presidents have higher favorability ratings than when they were actually president.)

Anyways, is this Onion article funny? Maybe not hilarious, but it’s pointed, which is good. Targeted satire is better than vague satire.

The premise is that an independent counsel³ has discovered 200-plus years of presidential lying:

“While conventional wisdom holds that only two U.S. presidents, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton, have ever openly lied about anything, the report offers substantial evidence linking all 42 presidents to deliberate acts of deception and dishonesty.

The Onion then lists some of the biggest lies by more than 10 presidents, including George Washington and Franklin Roosevelt.

The Bush administration is appalled, but not about the lies. Instead, press secretary Ari Fleischer vows all every president ever will be vindicated. Meanwhile, Sen. Orrin Hatch vows all liars will be punished, even retroactively. These are, of course, lies!

Four of the 137 known presidential mistresses.

How does the general public get made fun of here? Well, we’re all liars and little better than the famous liars we condemn. To that point, the investigation reveals that lying has deep roots in American society.

"Every day, new evidence surfaces suggesting that this lying trend is more far-reaching than we ever imagined," McManus said. "It may well extend all the way to the offices of Vice-President, Speaker of the House, Secretary of State, Secretary of Defense, Secretary of the Treasury, White House Press Secretary, secretary to the White House Press Secretary, Senator, Representative, State Assemblyman, Governor, Lieutenant Governor, County Board Supervisor, Alderperson, Mayor, Assistant to the Mayor, City Councilperson, Assistant City Councilperson, Comptroller, Town Coroner, County Librarian, and County Clerk."

Again, I don’t find this hilarious, but I appreciate The Onion scolding all of us.

(Also, The Onion refers to “Monicagate,” and I’m grateful we no longer use this portmanteau to describe the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky scandal.)

U.S. government stories

A hidden gem in this issue is “Surgeon General Mills Recommends Three To Five Servings Of Froot Per Day.”

I’m mildly embarrassed to say I didn’t get the “General Mills” reference the 1st time I read it. But the more I read it, the more I enjoy it.

This quote is like half the article, but it’s a good combination of real-sounding nutrition advice and Froot Loops marketing:

"A crunchier, more berrilicious cousin of the fruit family, froot is vital to proper digestion and breakfast fun," Surgeon General Mills said. "Whether you're eating it straight off the vine or, ideally, in its processed 'loop' form, Americans should be sure to get plenty of froot."

Froot Loops probably isn’t very healthy, but it’s a great cereal. And now we can all imagine what the Froot plant looks like, with vines containing colorful froot.

The Onion had 2 other government-related stories in this issue, including “Democrats In Disarray,” where The Onion asks people about the 2002 midterm elections. And … well, a lot of these jokes still work?

"All the Democrats I've talked to know exactly what they stand for: not being Republicans."

Rick Snell • Carpenter

"As a Democrat, I have high hopes in 2004 for Rep. Tom Lanford, a charismatic young centrist from Ohio with a clear vision for the party. Okay, I just made him up."

Marjorie Stamp • Nurse

The Onion also made fun of FBI Director Robert Mueller in “FBI Director Wishes He Had Some Alien Thing To Cover Up.” Sadly, I can see Mueller being so boring that he regularly is “reading 450-page reports on plausible areas of concern for liquor-license falsification.”

Area People doing Area Things

Patek works on some new zingers.

“Area Man Thinking Up Funny Things To Say For Next Football Game” is perfectly timed for today’s football games. I’ve watched maybe 10 games in the last 5 years, mostly because I’m too busy. I am in a fantasy football league, however — and doing pretty poorly, as you might expect.

Anyways, I like that Pittsburgh Steelers fan Glenn Patek is writing down jokes so he can amuse his friends at the bar. Reminds me of this recent tweet:

kenzi @kenzianidiot

my dad goes to a bar with his friends every friday and he makes a list of discussion topics

Patek wants to write good jokes, not cheap jokes. He is not succeeding, in my estimation — he’s certainly no Kenny Mayne!

"I'm also working on a joke where I say that the Texans coaches give out those little helmet stickers whenever somebody makes a clutch play," Patek continued. "Then, when somebody at the bar points out that none of the players have any stickers, I'll say that nobody's made a big play yet."

This article feels a little forced, but we all understand the desire to impress your friends.

I also like the reference where Patek says “every sportscaster loves John Lynch and Mike Alstott just because they're 'throwback' white guys.”⁴

I wish we heard from Patek’s friends about whether they find him funny. A different bar regular says Patek is occasionally funny, with a good joke about Jerry Rice in a Yoda voice — but even that was recycled from 2 weeks earlier.

Stennis stands before the object of his anger.

“Elderly Man Silently Wages War Against Pharmacy” is deliberately left a mystery. The Onion doesn’t talk to 87-year-old Gerald Stennis, although his daughter, son, close friend and Walgreens officials are all mystified as his escalating anger and actions.

Honestly, this story just reads like he’s having some sort of dementia-related outburst. Like, The Onion does a great job sharing the petty details, like Stennis dragging mud into the store, opening cans of tennis balls, asking pharmacists for items way in the back and then ghosting.

But this type of quote makes it seem like he needs help:

"Lily asked me to stop in to find out if Dad had picked a fight with the manager or something," son Ryan Stennis said. "Everyone at the store seemed genuinely surprised that there were any ill feelings. Apparently, this battle Dad is fighting is completely one-sided, and he won't say what the hell is going on."

I’m not saying we can’t enjoy this article! It just didn’t land for me. Let me know what I’m missing here, though.

Other Area People stories include:

• “Petting-Zoo Goats Swarm Horrified 4-Year-Old” is a great one-liner, but the front-page photo is very blurry.

• “With Great Suit Comes Great Responsibility” is just accurate. People think you are important with a suit, so the ball’s in your court.

• “Punk Band Has Something Against Local Newscaster For Some Reason” delights me for a couple of reasons.

  • One, I’ve seen a lot of smaller, local bands in person this year (a longtime friend is in one), and so I like this idea that these bands hate their local newscasters.

  • Two, this story is apparently about a real-life Harrisburg, Pa., news anchor Rick Wagner, who left in 2006. Seems weird to go after a random news anchor like that?

• “Mom Tries To Appear Interested In Daughter's Documentary” is a decent joke — daughter Andrea Barstow has made an investigative documentary examining a vicious crime, yet the mom mostly notices the bracelet she’s wearing.

• “You To Receive 15 Pounds Of Venison Sausage From Uncle”: It’s been decades since anyone gave me venison they hunted themselves, but it’s excellent. This guy is really missing out by leaving it in the freezer.

Were the infographics good?

“Top-Selling Calendars” is a reminder to buy your calendar gifts now! Are these jokes good? They’re OK. "Women of the Modeling Industry” made me laugh, and the “Best-Loved Burritos” illustration and the “Puppy heads … “ one are weird in a good way.

I have no recollection of “The Cobain Diaries” or the related book. These jokes are aggressive but seem more visceral than funny. Like, it’s easy to rip on Courtney Love, but The Onion’s take here is a diatribe, not a joke. And “no discernible talent” seems at odds with Hole’s success (pre-Cobain) and her relatively successful 1990s acting career.

Again, maybe I’m missing a reference here that explains the joke!

What columnists ran?

“Forget All That I Said About Me Being An Alcoholic” walks the line between being satirical and making fun of a sad situation. The early-2000s Onion did a lot of these columns, including the classic “I'm Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze.”

Here, Chris Driessen is trying to backtrack on his confessions of being an alcoholic, claiming he was just making a joke. Honestly, some folks might not want to read this.

I know, I know. You think it was a cry for help. I think I remember saying something about being at the end of my rope. I might've even said I have no one else to turn to—that you are my best friends and that I can't go to my family with something like this.

Okay, the truth is, I do need you guys… to party with me.

This goes predictably poorly as more details of the night are revealed, including how he called AA at 4 a.m.

Like with many older Onion stories, this is well-written. It feels like what someone would try and say. And maybe that’s the problem. I’m not condemning this column, but I don’t know whether I’d say, “Oh yeah, you’ve got to read it.”

You know who I will recommend? Regular Onion columnist Jean Teasdale, who’s back with “Adventures In Babysitting.” She’s still unemployed after losing her job at Fashion Bug.

Jean is enjoying unemployment, what with her soap operas, romance novels and other hobbies. She’s also buying baby clothes — not because she’s pregnant, but just in case her friends get pregnant (none of her friends are pregnant).

Poor Jean, just wants to be a mom. Although as a 39-year-old, I find this passage to be fascinating:

Also, I think I would make a terrific mom because I still look at the world through the innocent and wondering eyes of a child. I swear, I don't think there's a fundamental difference between myself at age 9 and myself at age 39. I can still remember all the joy and pain of childhood.

Then, she gets an offer to babysit the neighbors’ 18-month-old. And this unleashes possibly the most irresponsible Jean Teasdale we’ve seen yet.

Jean is bored because the baby is sound asleep and the family only has “boring political” magazines like … National Geographic. So she goes into the baby’s room, turns her over onto her back, and is inspired by Anne Geddes to leave and get her camera. Not only that, she brought a new outfit!

Trying not to wake her, I removed Hailey's one-piece sleeper and slid it out from under her body. My heart skipped a beat when she started squirming and whimpering after a snap caught slightly against her leg, but she soon quieted down again. Whew! I'd have to make this quick. My swift work paid off, and I was pretty proud of myself when I was done. After all, it's no mean trick dressing a sleeping baby in a tiny clown outfit, complete with pointy hat!

I’ll let you read what happens next, but good Lord! I was not expecting the calamity! And let’s just say Jean is not ready to be a mother.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week was Taurus, which reminds me of the 1980s SNL bit “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”:

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your insurance company insists that it has no obligation to insure you as long as you're still frozen in that block of ice.

The horoscopes also have a random reference to 1950s Detroit Lions quarterback Bobby Layne because, why not?

What holds up best?

“Report: Presidents Washington Through Bush May Have Lied About Key Matters” could be viewed as an easy joke, but I like that The Onion calls this out. It’s a timeless story, even if not the funniest from even this issue (that Jean Teasdale column still has me thinking).

What holds up worst?

I liked this issue, but as you’ve seen, I’m critical of several items. I’d say “Elderly Man Silently Wages War Against Pharmacy” holds up worst, and it’s largely because they don’t give the old man a voice. This could have easily been an “old man yells at cloud” joke instead of a cautionary tale about elderly people’s health issues.

What would be done differently today?

The “elderly man” story and the alcoholic column would be approached differently now. But it doesn’t mean you couldn’t have jokes about random Area People like them.

I’m also happy to see lots of silliness in The Onion of late. “God Releases New Peppermint-Flavored Chipmunks For The Holidays” and “It’s Not Too Bad,’ Says Man As Hot Sauce Begins Disintegrating Jaw” were both on the homepage this week. Please, 2022 Onion folks — keep the silly fictional characters even if you are forced to cover Kayne West, too.

Thank you

Grateful to have y’all here. We’ll be back next week to celebrate Strom Thurmond’s 100th birthday, conjoined twins’ squabbles and an Area Man who loves to correct pronunciation.

1. I realize I might be the only person who is intrigued/annoyed when an article is miscategorized on The Onion’s website. But this newsletter’s existence suggests I’m too invested in old Onion stories, so you’ve been warned :)

2. I didn’t really pay attention to The Onion’s Bernie Sanders coverage, but Politico did. Interesting quotes from current and former Onion staffers.

3. Independent counsels are back in the news lately, first with Ken Starr dying and then the appointment of a special counsel for Trump-related investigations.

4. Here’s a 2010 article about a college player referencing Lynch and Alstott!