20 years ago, The Onion predicted Gillette's 5-blade razor

Also, a hungover couple doesn't know they broke up, a straight man tells you what he'd do if he were gay, and much more from American culture in 2004.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Feb. 18, 2004.

This week, it’s 20 years since The Onion predicted Gillette’s 5-blade razor in “Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades.” The column itself is really funny, too.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 40, Issue 07, the 180th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.

The front-page headline “Martha Stewart Witness Grilled After Being Marinated Overnight” is no longer online. Stewart was found guilty on multiple counts in March 2004.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

James M. Kilts. CEO and President, The Gillette Company

I started this newsletter largely because I wondered how the 9/11 issue held up. But I also wanted to re-review some of my favorite articles ever, like the one about McDonald’s Hammurderer character or 2009’s “Stop Anthropomorphizing Me!”

“Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades” is one of those favorites. It’s also one of The Onion’s most famous — and prescient — articles. It’s so well-known that a Slate podcast used the article to illuminate the “razor wars” of the 2000s (transcript here, audio embedded below).

Slate attributes this article to Joe Garden, who created columnists Jim Anchower and Jackie Harvey.

Most of us in February 2004 probably didn’t know about the heated rivalry between Gillette and Schick. But The Onion did. The genius of this column is not just remarking on the rivalry. It’s imagining how these corporate leaders might talk if they were unhinged and uncensored — the opposite of boring press releases that say nothing.

This column is written by the real-life CEO of Gillette. And he’s piping mad about the competition going to 4 blades and outshining the Mach3 Turbo:

Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

Honestly, this type of bold leadership is a good thing! Why make incremental changes when you can revolutionize the product? Again, this was real-life drama: Schick did go to 4 blades before Gillette, sparking a Gillette lawsuit over blade technology!

While the number of blades doesn’t necessarily improve shaving quality, it’s human nature to want to brag about the prowess of your … blade. And if you’re a CEO looking to fire up the troops, you want to make 5 blades sound sexy, even a bit dangerous:

All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

As you might guess, Gillette’s CEO is wonderfully cocky. He calls Bic “a penny-ante outfit” and mocks Norelco for making electric razors. To end the column, he unveils his grand innovation:

Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.

So what happened next? In September 2005, Gillette announced a new razor with 5 blades and 2 aloe strips. It really happened!

This is a watershed article. Writers and reporters saw this satire, and they made sure everyone knew that Gillette was copying The Onion. NPR, Boing Boing,¹ the Wall Street Journal and the Financial Times were just some of the publications remarking on the coincidence.² The Economist, somewhat jokingly, predicted 14-blade razors by 2100.

Most importantly, this is a profanely funny article that resonates because it’s not really about the number of blades; it’s about people’s need to compete, to save face, to boast. Razors are just the delivery vehicle The Onion uses in this case.

What’s going on in politics?

Osama Bin Laden Found Inside Each Of Us

“Osama Bin Laden Found Inside Each Of Us” reflected the ongoing struggle to find Osama Bin Laden. I love the illustration above, by the way. Feels like the front-page collages I remember real newspapers doing back then.

Fortunately for the Bush administration, they realize that the enemy isn’t physical but existential:

"Osama bin Laden wasn't hidden in a cave in the mountainous Pakistani province of Waziristan or huddled in the back of a Chitral meat-market stall. He was lurking in the blackness within us all, right there with the laziness and the jealousy."

You might think this would spark some soul-searching among leading Bush administration officials. But no, they need a scapegoat — not just for failing to find Bin Laden, but also for all bad behavior in America. For example, CIA Director George Tenet forgets to mail a Christmas card to his son. It can’t possibly be his fault!

Tenet presented his discovery to the U.N. Security Council the next day.

"There is a part inside each of us that makes us throw recyclable items in with the rest of our trash, let Mom go to voicemail, and eat coworkers' food out of the refrigerator," Tenet told the council. "It is a dark, dank, shameful place, and it is my belief that the man responsible for the events of Sept. 11 lurks therein."

Osama bin Laden is located on a busy Houston street.

This is a lengthy article, with great quotes from multiple U.S. officials and many reminders of Bin Laden’s past, if you’ve forgotten. Weirdly, to me, President George W. Bush comes off best. After all, this is solid advice … if you ignore the premise that Bin Laden has possessed our souls like a demon:

"There is only one way to defeat Osama bin Laden," Bush said. "The way to eliminate this evil man is for each American to love just a little bit more, see your brother's problems as your own, always look on the bright side, and leave every place a little better than you found it."

Kerry waves down to a crowd of supporters.

“Kerry Makes Whistle-Stop Tour From Deck Of Yacht” reflects a common satire of Sen. John Kerry during his 2004 presidential run: The out-of-touch, rich New Englander who can barely tolerate mingling with the commoners.³

Kerry struggled to shake this perception, which isn’t The Onion’s fault. This article is actually very pro-Kerry — calmly criticizing Bush’s record and explaining Democratic talking points. The problem is that he’s speaking through a PA system, on a yacht, while wearing a sea captain’s hat:

Campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill said Kerry's whistle-stop tour is scheduled to take him through Pennsylvania, Ohio, and on to six Midwestern states at an average speed of 26 knots.

Apart from a brief detour into Lake Michigan between Milwaukee and Chicago, the yacht will travel exclusively on land, attached to a drydock-mounting slip atop a highway-legal flatbed trailer.

…

"There's no better place to have a good conversation than on the deck of a fine sailing vessel, out there in the sunshine, with the gentle breeze playing in your hair," Cahill said. "It's beautiful up there."

I think we’d remember Onion John Kerry more if he won. If nothing else, this is how The Onion reacted to Kerry’s Super Tuesday triumphs.

Other political items include:

• “Former Chinese Dissident Has Your Order Ready”: A vicious commentary on how you can do important things in one country and be all but ignored in another.

  • “Xu, who was tortured into confessing to stealing state assets in collusion with organized crime shortly before he defected to the U.S. in 1999, is sorry, he will be right back with that Diet Coke.”

• “Iowa Resident Has Opinion Month Too Late”: I like the idea of The Onion revisiting undecided Iowa caucus participants to see whether they made up their minds.

• “Human Cloning”: In 2004, South Korean researchers claimed they cloned a human embryo. This claim was later discredited, although the work apparently had some scientific value. The Onion asked people on the street about the discovery. This response is interesting, not because it’s funny or clever but because South Korea today has the lowest birth rate in the world:

  • "Finally, someone invented a way to make more Asians."

    Harold Price • Music Director

Area People doing Area Things

Left: Hayter with his former ex-girlfriend Peterman. Right: Hayter cleans up a framed photo that must have fallen the previous evening.

“Hungover Couple Unaware They Broke Up Last Night” is an old favorite of mine, in part because of these great photos. Gene Hayter figures the broken glass must be because they accidentally knocked over the framed photo above — not because they smashed and ripped it.

Meanwhile, Amy Peterman doesn’t understand why her friend is being so weird:

"Oh, my poor head," Peterman said. "I would've liked to have slept off my hangover, but my friend Nora called me at the crack of dawn. She wanted to know if I was 'okay,' and if I knew where Gene was. She kept asking me if I needed to talk. I was, like, 'No, I don't want to talk. My head is killing me.'"

"She was kinda weirding me out, actually," Peterman added. "Gene says she was probably still drunk."

Amy ripped off her promise ring and poured lighter fluid all over her boyfriend’s clothes, but she doesn’t remember either event. Meanwhile, Gene doesn’t realize he has a black eye or that a friend took away his Swiss army knife — just in case.

This article is a more somber version of 2003’s “Breakup Secretly Hilarious To Friends,” as both involve a blowout fight at a bar in front of the couple’s friends. But instead of the couple being sad and the friends stifling laughter, this time, the friends are upset and the couple oblivious:

"I stopped by expecting to find Amy distraught over the breakup," Peterman's childhood friend Mary Swaney said. "But I walked in and found her and Gene cuddling under a blanket and watching Law & Order. Gene didn't seem to even realize that he had a black eye, let alone who gave it to him."

I like that the article ends on a cliffhanger, as the couple hasn’t listened to the 14 voicemails awaiting them.

If you’re going to make light of a drunken, violent relationship, this is the way to do it.

Seversen, who recently gave up on the idea of making a living from his comics (below).

“Day Job Officially Becomes Job” is also sad, as a cartoonist working part-time as a dishwasher gives up on his cartooning dreams.

In 1999, Seversen was hired as a kitchen crewmember at Tres Café. Later that year, he began to self-publish his monthly photocopied mini-comic Dishdog Days, in which he chronicled the daily trials of an underemployed college dropout who works at a restaurant while pursuing his dream of cartooning.

In 2000, Seversen distributed 12 full-sized, color issues of his comic, launched a Dishdog Days web site, and received a 75-cent-an-hour raise.

Unfortunately, he’s not published regularly, partly because of financial constraints, but also because he’s kind of lazy. He also seems confused about the economics of working in the restaurant business, as he says he needs to “build up seniority and get on board with the pension plan."

Are his cartoons good? I don’t know, but The Onion offers us a sample, and I love them for that:

The Onion had a couple of front-page photos, one that delighted me and one that (briefly) confused me.

“Fox News Problem Solvers In Way Over Their Heads” is not about Fox News, the cable channel, but is the name of the investigative team at local Fox news affiliates.

“Penis Enlargement Pills Tested On Dog” makes me laugh every time. Look at that dog’s happy face.

Other Area People items include:

• “William Katt Programs Own Name Into TiVo”: Didn’t know who he was in 2004, don’t know now. I did learn he was considered for the role of Luke Skywalker.

• “Specifics Of Hostile Takeover Fiercely Boring”: I love this because, yeah, corporate news is often boring despite using all the vocabulary of adventure and war.

• “Teen Responsible For All Six Items In Clarksburg Police Blotter”: I was so happy to see this one again, although a 17-year-old getting a DUI arrest seems pretty serious!

  • “Clarksburg, population 16,743, last experienced an all-Nathum crime spree in December, when the teen stole a bicycle, burned down a barn, and punched Old Man Herman.”

Were the infographics good?

This week, The Cut published an article about a woman who was scammed out of $50,000 because she believed many untrue things, including that she was talking to Amazon, the Federal Trade Commission and the CIA. In that light, “Identity Theft Safeguards” seems as relevant as ever.

I love the joke “Buy ‘The Identity Club,’ the only personal-identity lock recommended by police.” It helps if you remember commercials for the anti-theft device The Club.

Honestly, this is a great collection of jokes. The Silly Putty one is bizarre genius, and “Never let anyone know ‘the real you’" feels like it could be a meme today.

“What Parts Are We Trying Out For?” is a fun collection of theater jokes. “Bear Chasing Polonius; failing that, Polonius” is my favorite.

What columnists ran?

“I'll Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay” is a surprisingly interesting column in 2024. It’s certainly a collection of gay stereotypes as seen through a straight white guy’s eyes, but it’s also a damning condemnation of men who can’t get their act together.

Our columnist, Keith Whitlock, is a dismissive husband and inattentive father who hasn’t gotten his life, fitness or career in order … because those are apparently qualities of gay men?

Finally, if I were gay, I would make an excellent uncle. My kids know to stay away from me when I'm drunk or watching ESPN, but gay Uncle Keith would be totally different. I'd get down on my hands and knees with the kids and dig for fossils at the children's museum. I'd read to them from the beloved storybooks I'd have saved since childhood. I'd even let them rollerblade on the rooftop of my condo. Then, we'd all pile into my 2001 forest-green Jaguar XK convertible and go out for frosty malts at a retro diner. Sometime in their early teenage years, it would dawn on my nieces and nephews that I didn't own a television, and that I was a homosexual.

I’m not saying this is a must-read in 2024, but it’s a lot better than I expected or remembered.

What was the best horoscope?

This week’s horoscopes are a fun bunch, but my favorite is Aries. Maybe it’s because The Onion has so many funny stories where God is the main character.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Religious leaders from around the world will agree that God seems to be reacting to your criticism rather harshly.

What holds up best?

“Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades” is the easy choice here. It’s beautiful satire and accurately predicted the future. Also, does anyone really care how many blades are on a razor? I still see Mach3 razors in the store!

What holds up worst?

Sorry, William Katt. But “William Katt Programs Own Name Into TiVo” feels even older than it is. If it weren’t for the mention of IMDB, I would have thought it was a 1990s joke.

What would be done differently today?

I don’t think The Onion would update “I'll Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay” for a transgender theme, but you never know.

One thought I had this week was that this was the final season of “Friends,” yet The Onion barely mentions TV. There’s also little to no mention of sports. This all makes sense, in some ways — The Onion is spoofing local newspapers, not national papers or websites.

Today, though, The Onion has to spoof the internet and pop culture broadly. A very different job.

Thank you

Thank you for being here! Please share this newsletter with anyone you think might enjoy it. Next week, we look back at 2 of my favorite 2004 stories: “Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry” and “Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist.”

1. The Boing Boing article notes that Mad magazine and “Saturday Night Live” made successful razor blade predictions in the 1970s.

2. Some companies have not learned the lesson — Dorco created a 7-blade razor in 2015, prompting the WSJ to again note The Onion article.

3. “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” particularly skewered Kerry, possibly because Conan is a fellow Massachusetts-raised Catholic Democrat who knew exactly what this type was like.